Scroll down and you\'ll see Santa\'s willy!
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For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there is no Santa!!
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For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there is no Santa!!
A Florida Christmas
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, \"I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.\"
\"She did,\" he replied. \"But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?\"
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, \"I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.\"
\"She did,\" he replied. \"But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?\"
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The christmas alphabet has no L (noel)
The christmas alphabet has no L (noel)
Signs Santa Doesn\'t Like Your Kid
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- 10 -
Kid\'s letter to north pole comes back stamped, \"Dream on, Chester!\"
- 9 -
Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
- 8 -
Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
- 7 -
By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
- 6 -
Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
- 5 -
Instead of \"Naughty\" or \"Nice\", Santa has him on the dork list
- 4 -
Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
- 3 -
First words when kid gets on his lap are, \"Touch my beard and I\'ll put the hurt on you.\"
- 2 -
Labels on all your kid\'s toys read \"Straight from Craptown.\"
- 1 -
Four words: \"Off my lap, Tubby!\"
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- 10 -
Kid\'s letter to north pole comes back stamped, \"Dream on, Chester!\"
- 9 -
Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
- 8 -
Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
- 7 -
By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
- 6 -
Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
- 5 -
Instead of \"Naughty\" or \"Nice\", Santa has him on the dork list
- 4 -
Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
- 3 -
First words when kid gets on his lap are, \"Touch my beard and I\'ll put the hurt on you.\"
- 2 -
Labels on all your kid\'s toys read \"Straight from Craptown.\"
- 1 -
Four words: \"Off my lap, Tubby!\"
Thought I would add this one. Hope it hasn\'t been posted already.
THE ADULT VERSION OF THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISMAS
\'Twas the night before Christmas and boy it was neat.
The kids were both gone and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook.
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude.
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we\'d built
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I\'m speaking, he was high as a kite.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I\'ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post and don\'t hit the tree.
Quit shaking the sleigh, \'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub.
Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jocked to cover my ass
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore.
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
\"That was some brothel,\" he said with a smile,
\"The reindeer are pooped, and I\'ll just stay awhile.\"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee.
That old boy was hung nearly down to his knee!
Back in the den Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were
packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits.
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa\'s next find,
And six pairs of panties; the edible kind.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil.
And a dildo so long it lay in a coil.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension.
And several more things I shouldn\'t even mention.
\"This stuff ain\'t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I\'ll leave them here, and then I\'ll just split.\"
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead.
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch
Saying, \"Take me home Rudolf. This night\'s been a
bitch!\"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
\"The best thing about pussy is you can\'t wear it out!\"
MERRY CHRISTMAS
THE ADULT VERSION OF THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISMAS
\'Twas the night before Christmas and boy it was neat.
The kids were both gone and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook.
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude.
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we\'d built
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I\'m speaking, he was high as a kite.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I\'ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post and don\'t hit the tree.
Quit shaking the sleigh, \'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub.
Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jocked to cover my ass
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore.
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
\"That was some brothel,\" he said with a smile,
\"The reindeer are pooped, and I\'ll just stay awhile.\"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee.
That old boy was hung nearly down to his knee!
Back in the den Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were
packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits.
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa\'s next find,
And six pairs of panties; the edible kind.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil.
And a dildo so long it lay in a coil.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension.
And several more things I shouldn\'t even mention.
\"This stuff ain\'t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I\'ll leave them here, and then I\'ll just split.\"
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead.
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch
Saying, \"Take me home Rudolf. This night\'s been a
bitch!\"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
\"The best thing about pussy is you can\'t wear it out!\"
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Merry Christmas to you all.........
HO HO HO.....and yes im talking about myself......(WINK)
LOOK under your tree and you might find me.........
HOW TO MAKE A FRUITCAKE
(If your really must...)
- Ingredients -
1/2 pint cream
1 pound marsmallows
1 pound pecans
1/2 pound mixed fruit
1/2 pound raisins
1 pound crushed graham crackers
- Directions -
Cook cream and marshmallows until melted. Do not boil.
Mix pecans, raisins, mixed fruit, and graham crackers in a large pan.
Pour in melted ingredients and mix thouroughly. Pack in long pans, pushing mixture down firmly. Refrigerate.
Eat the thing... better yet, give to your in-laws or worst enemy or use as door stop!
(If your really must...)
- Ingredients -
1/2 pint cream
1 pound marsmallows
1 pound pecans
1/2 pound mixed fruit
1/2 pound raisins
1 pound crushed graham crackers
- Directions -
Cook cream and marshmallows until melted. Do not boil.
Mix pecans, raisins, mixed fruit, and graham crackers in a large pan.
Pour in melted ingredients and mix thouroughly. Pack in long pans, pushing mixture down firmly. Refrigerate.
Eat the thing... better yet, give to your in-laws or worst enemy or use as door stop!
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks
They go into town, and blow a few bucks
We found a 6 foot snow cock on the side of the road