First a little background. I am the male half of a 21 year long relationship(married 16, open 15). We have had many wonderful experiences in the lifestyle and met some fantastic people. Last year, we got involved with a 24 year old female co-worker of mine who at the time was going through a rough situation coming out of a physically abusive relationship. The first month of this relationship involved many intimate moments and her even staying over with us on weekends when able to find childcare for her 6 yr old. Throughout this time there was excessive drinking and evidence of drug use on her part which my wife and I excused as a young person doing what she can to cope with a rough situation. In no time with as much help as she would take from us she was back on her feet and dating again which we encouraged but still maintained our intimate association. Things began to turn bad for us when our phone calls were ignored and our requests to spend time with her would go unanswered. When we did see her and make plans she would respond with excitement and enthusiasm but on the day of the event would not show or make an excuse. One night after 4am we both received a text on our phones from her saying she needed her space. My wife replied asking if that meant that they were not going to a concert they had planned to and got a phone call from our friend saying that wasn't what she meant. I found it very hard to be friendly with her at this point. Having only late night flings before meeting my wife in high school, I had never to this date "broken up" with anyone. Not only did I still have to work with her, but had to endure her responding to mutual friends as if she had not just dumped us including her present boyfriend who was also a co-worker. After a month or so I tried to swallow my bruised pride and ego and continue to respond to her as a friend and explain to her what she had done and how it made me feel. The information that I was hurt by her came as a surprise since she believed I didn't need her. After a time, this boyfriend ended up getting the same kind of treatment from her as we received and went so far as to suggest my wife and I spending more time with her to get her back to the "happy" time that she was when he got together with her. We tried to manage this unusual request as best we could and during this time when we went way out of our comfort zone to be around her we got burned again by her inability to even notice we were around. (She excused this behavior later as a combination of drugs and 'distractions') At this point my wife was done and was able to emotionally cut off herself from being affected in any way by this girl since all our efforts were never really rewarded. I unfortunately am more stubborn.
After many rocky times since, it has been a year of emotional high and lows, mostly lows. Talks of suicide, more lovers latched on to then abandoned, giving up her child to her child's father, and recently losing her job. Throughout all of this my interaction has been just as lopsided as it was before, with me reaching out and her taking but never appreciating what was given. A google of mental health disorders online came up with her entire history as a textbook case of Borderline Personality disorder. The worst possible mental illness a woman can have. My research has found that in order to help myself gain emotional distance from this girl, I had to directly address the things about our relationship that I didn't like. I did this last night after she invited us to dinner. At a quiet time outside her house I asked if it was her idea to see us. It was not.Her present boyfriend suggested it. I asked if she planned to seek professional mental health counseling. She is not. I asked if she planned to work on her alcohol and drug abuse. She is not. Basically telling me that she will continue as she is not taking any steps to improve her situation.
So here I am left with all these feeling for her and general concern that should not be given to her. I decided last night to not pursue any further contact with her and bring my focus back to my wife who has endured all this like a champ. Its hard. I'm stubborn. I think I've helped this girl. I think I could continue to do so. Everything she does tells me that she doesn't want or even feels she deserves it. So I'm left feeling the loss with the only gain being knowledge of a mental disorder that isn't 'curable'.
So I guess my question is does anyone have any experience they could share with me to help me get on with my(our) life. Your input is greatly appreciated.
After many rocky times since, it has been a year of emotional high and lows, mostly lows. Talks of suicide, more lovers latched on to then abandoned, giving up her child to her child's father, and recently losing her job. Throughout all of this my interaction has been just as lopsided as it was before, with me reaching out and her taking but never appreciating what was given. A google of mental health disorders online came up with her entire history as a textbook case of Borderline Personality disorder. The worst possible mental illness a woman can have. My research has found that in order to help myself gain emotional distance from this girl, I had to directly address the things about our relationship that I didn't like. I did this last night after she invited us to dinner. At a quiet time outside her house I asked if it was her idea to see us. It was not.Her present boyfriend suggested it. I asked if she planned to seek professional mental health counseling. She is not. I asked if she planned to work on her alcohol and drug abuse. She is not. Basically telling me that she will continue as she is not taking any steps to improve her situation.
So here I am left with all these feeling for her and general concern that should not be given to her. I decided last night to not pursue any further contact with her and bring my focus back to my wife who has endured all this like a champ. Its hard. I'm stubborn. I think I've helped this girl. I think I could continue to do so. Everything she does tells me that she doesn't want or even feels she deserves it. So I'm left feeling the loss with the only gain being knowledge of a mental disorder that isn't 'curable'.
So I guess my question is does anyone have any experience they could share with me to help me get on with my(our) life. Your input is greatly appreciated.
Not speaking from experience, but just a few observations, based on what you've told us.
There may be some mental health issues, but it sounds as though her biggest problem is nothing more/nothing less than immaturity.
Obviously, she doesn't place nearly as much value on your friendship as you and your wife do.
In ANY relationship, one always cares more than the other.
I suspect you may have allowed yourself to get more emotionally involved with this girl than just the co-worker/friendship, sex play aspects.
You appear to be smitten - breaking one of the cardinal rules of the Lifestyle.
She obviously does not want your help, and doesn't seem to have much interest in remaining friends.
Continue to be cordial to her as a co-worker, but write the relationship off as a bad debt and learn from it.
And move on - as she obviously has.
JMO
There may be some mental health issues, but it sounds as though her biggest problem is nothing more/nothing less than immaturity.
Obviously, she doesn't place nearly as much value on your friendship as you and your wife do.
In ANY relationship, one always cares more than the other.
I suspect you may have allowed yourself to get more emotionally involved with this girl than just the co-worker/friendship, sex play aspects.
You appear to be smitten - breaking one of the cardinal rules of the Lifestyle.
She obviously does not want your help, and doesn't seem to have much interest in remaining friends.
Continue to be cordial to her as a co-worker, but write the relationship off as a bad debt and learn from it.
And move on - as she obviously has.
JMO
Some people/personalities are broken and dysfunctional beyond repair...or perhaps beyond what you're willing to give of yourself and relationship.
The price is simply too high...move on indeed, and bring your focus back upon yourselves.
The price is simply too high...move on indeed, and bring your focus back upon yourselves.
Thanks for all your responses. We did get that book and it helped a lot as far as understanding the behavior and what our responses should be. And I have to stress that this is an agreed upon diagnosis and not in any way a professional opinion. (all 3 parties, she, my wife and I agreed upon it though) The only thing it didn't address enough was day to day exercises for handling the feeling of loss. One such tip I got from a friend sounds like such a simple thing but it seems to make a huge difference. She suggested when people ask me about her or how she's doing I reply with, "I don't associate with her anymore" instead of my usual response of "She hasn't talked to me." They give the same information but one response is much more powerful and stings a lot less.
Having an adult daughter with diagnosed Borderline Personality and having spent most of her adult life in and out of crisis situations (and much of her adolescence - yes we
I am just going to simply say this, You guys started out as a couple, maintain that relationship. It is the important one..you and your wife, you cannot force help or perspective on someone who cannot see nor understand it.
I believe one of the reasons your wife had married you is your kindness. Although passionate for others issues, your depriving your wife of a balance that she requires pertaining to this girls issues. Your wifes closure is your closure as well. In my readings, I have found that there are clips of misfortunes that turn someone from societal colaboration. Loss of a family member/close friend, rape, and abandonment to name a few. She will get tired of traveled chances and pick a day to get professional help. Or step off into the deep. Either way the lifestyle isnt a band-aid as she had intended. It's a fantasy not a right. You should sustain from helping her and reroute to doing something for your wife. massage, dinner, dancing, weekend get away, or even a gentleman to assist in (her) fulfillment. Hats off to you for trying to help, oligating yourselves for her sexual stimulation. She has moved on by cutting you, you should too. There is always the negative side of this. She could have stole a credit card, gained addresses, took a house key, hide drugs in your home, bring others to your home that are from the wrong side of the tracks, get you to give her rides to friends/suppliers homes just to name a few. Count your blessings that your out now and move on!