Recently we have run into a rash of couples who say that they are "Exclusive" with another couple and can't get involved with anyone else.
Everyone has the right to do as they feel comfortable, so we are not attacking anyones rights or comfort zones. We are however confused by some of the inconsistancies we have come across would like to hear some other view points. Let us share a few examples:
Couples who post on forum and in chat the desire to meet other couples, but upon responding to them, the replies are "we can only be social friends, we are already committed." Now being social friends is okay with us, but then, on the occassions we have gone out with them, the entire evening is filled with comments about the fear of any word of our being together getting back to the other couple because they will feel cheated on.
Then we have the couples that are exclusive to another couple, except the other couple is playing the field while couple one remains devoted to them ... Okay.. we know.. RED FLAG !
We then move on to the couple we felt really close to, enjoyed all they had to offer until we found out it was like an engagement... now they wanted us to move on to being totally exclusive with them or end the relationship.
Now we realize that beggars cant be chosers, and at our age we are just happy to have anyone be our friend. Problem is we are becoming frustrated with all these new rules and committments. Our view point is that as a couple.. we are married and devoted to each other. We entered lifestyles to enjoy a somewhat more non-committment type of relationship with other people and couples. There will always be various levels of friendships with emotional ties to fit the relationship... Are we missing the boat here? We feel extremely sad about the relationships and friendships we cant have with some people because they have locked themselves in with someone else. If you aren't going to have anything to do with other couples... why advertise and mislead ? Just more games and drama.
What do others here feel about the exclusive couples relationship?
Everyone has the right to do as they feel comfortable, so we are not attacking anyones rights or comfort zones. We are however confused by some of the inconsistancies we have come across would like to hear some other view points. Let us share a few examples:
Couples who post on forum and in chat the desire to meet other couples, but upon responding to them, the replies are "we can only be social friends, we are already committed." Now being social friends is okay with us, but then, on the occassions we have gone out with them, the entire evening is filled with comments about the fear of any word of our being together getting back to the other couple because they will feel cheated on.
Then we have the couples that are exclusive to another couple, except the other couple is playing the field while couple one remains devoted to them ... Okay.. we know.. RED FLAG !
We then move on to the couple we felt really close to, enjoyed all they had to offer until we found out it was like an engagement... now they wanted us to move on to being totally exclusive with them or end the relationship.
Now we realize that beggars cant be chosers, and at our age we are just happy to have anyone be our friend. Problem is we are becoming frustrated with all these new rules and committments. Our view point is that as a couple.. we are married and devoted to each other. We entered lifestyles to enjoy a somewhat more non-committment type of relationship with other people and couples. There will always be various levels of friendships with emotional ties to fit the relationship... Are we missing the boat here? We feel extremely sad about the relationships and friendships we cant have with some people because they have locked themselves in with someone else. If you aren't going to have anything to do with other couples... why advertise and mislead ? Just more games and drama.
What do others here feel about the exclusive couples relationship?
Sounds like a polyamory case to me. At least they tell you up front and you know instead of going too far and getting into a mess. When we hear that, we just say "Thanx" and we run like hell.
problem is.. most dont tell us until we are interested.
Bravo Cyn&Hym bravo. We totally understand the frustration. We have chatted with met and even thought things were great on occasion with some couples. Only to have the rug pulled out from under us.
We know we are also getting to an age where we are limited to other couples interested in us sexually. Having said that we would love to find people to play with once again as it has been a very long time.
Here
We know we are also getting to an age where we are limited to other couples interested in us sexually. Having said that we would love to find people to play with once again as it has been a very long time.
Here
i totally understand...thats why every now and then a single lady and a single gentleman (as myself) could be part of a non attached best opportunities to click...
lol
lol
I feel that swinging is whatever you make of it, and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to swing, only right or wrong for you.
Now that said, I think that many of these "exclusive couples" are more poly than they'll admit. I shall dub them "poly-lite". ;-)
Now that said, I think that many of these "exclusive couples" are more poly than they'll admit. I shall dub them "poly-lite". ;-)
We have been "poly" before but that was when we were younger and part of the "pretty people" lol
Ask upfront. That'll solve the issue. I do think Poly Couples should state their status on their profile and what they're looking for. As far as "how I feel" about poly couples. I say all the power to them. To each their own. If they want poly relationships/commitments... I say GO FOR IT!!! I am for liberty. I say plural marriage is cool for those CONSENTING ADULTS, that want it. Who the fuck am I to tell someone else how to be happy?
-D-
-D-
Exactly Who the fuck are you TR? Just kiddin man, had to say it.
Yeah, who the fuck is this TR dude? He seems to be the say-all speak-all in the forums. If you're gonna talk the talk, then fuck the fuck. My wife is horny so are you coming over tonight? Bring that little red-headed Irish gal with you so I have somewhere to put my weiner. Hope to see ya soon.
Mr. X
Mr. X
UTCPLREXTREME,
Who're the hotties in your pic? HAHAHAHA!
-D-
Who're the hotties in your pic? HAHAHAHA!
-D-
Posted By: CYNANDHIM Reply posted on:
Mar 20, 2008 - 3:10 pm
problem is.. most dont tell us until we are interested.
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So far, we have met two poly couples and we pretty much avoid them like the plague. Once we find what they are looking for, if they are poly, we just say "no thanx". Until people start posting in their profile what they are looking for, that is probably the way it has to be.
Mar 20, 2008 - 3:10 pm
problem is.. most dont tell us until we are interested.
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So far, we have met two poly couples and we pretty much avoid them like the plague. Once we find what they are looking for, if they are poly, we just say "no thanx". Until people start posting in their profile what they are looking for, that is probably the way it has to be.
turn on the radio on fuck it turn it off, fear is the only god on the radio. ( nothing to do with the post a song stuck in my head)
we have some friends that are exclusive. We have had a lot of talks with them, they have some good points to make about the poly thing and we respect them for that. We do not look at people diferently for what the chose to do in this lifestyle,(fuck had that to much in the last lifestyle), we stay friends. We have met some hot fun and nice couples and that is what we like.
Being honest up front is good, dont be ashamed of your choice to soft, full, flip flop, girl girl,guy guy, singles only, no singles, etc. Have fun and if you are not liked for your choice it is a good thing you have someone in your life that loves to fuck your brains out, ok atleast i do.
we have some friends that are exclusive. We have had a lot of talks with them, they have some good points to make about the poly thing and we respect them for that. We do not look at people diferently for what the chose to do in this lifestyle,(fuck had that to much in the last lifestyle), we stay friends. We have met some hot fun and nice couples and that is what we like.
Being honest up front is good, dont be ashamed of your choice to soft, full, flip flop, girl girl,guy guy, singles only, no singles, etc. Have fun and if you are not liked for your choice it is a good thing you have someone in your life that loves to fuck your brains out, ok atleast i do.
I can understand this type of situation. I ran across a couple that I became great friends with and we shared a great deal of time on the weekends! After a while the wife decided she wanted a commitment from me and I was a little confused myself! She at one point wanted to leave her hubby and move in with me... that is when it was time for me to leave.... I am not here to add to the divorce rate! Sometimes just being a third wheel helps a relationship out!
Ok, First poly people are not a problem... Up front one needs to let people know what they are looking for and what they are NOT looking for. If poly people want to have a sexual relation or just friends situation with another couple then why not. If they are looking for love relationships then that is an intirely different situation.
I think that most of the couples who are looking for exclusive relationships are those who are not confortable with open sex or those who engage in open sexual liaisons. They are concerned about STD's etc...Most of the time they are the new people who are now enpth nesters in their late 50's early 60 and beyond. They wish to taste the openess of sex with others but are afraid of what they can catch or might catch. It's not like they are going to live forever but dieing with something like AIDS... of Herpies scares hell out of them.
So it's basically it comes down to asking on the front end with the explanation as to why you ask.
Ray
I think that most of the couples who are looking for exclusive relationships are those who are not confortable with open sex or those who engage in open sexual liaisons. They are concerned about STD's etc...Most of the time they are the new people who are now enpth nesters in their late 50's early 60 and beyond. They wish to taste the openess of sex with others but are afraid of what they can catch or might catch. It's not like they are going to live forever but dieing with something like AIDS... of Herpies scares hell out of them.
So it's basically it comes down to asking on the front end with the explanation as to why you ask.
Ray
I don't think poly people are the problem. However, they do take up our time if we keep talking for hours till they tell us. That is why we said that when we find them, we run and avoid them. We are not intersted in their sort of action.
There are times when you just want to pull in and hold comfort - be with what/who you know.
Then, times sweep by when you let it fly like it's your last week pulling breath.
Poly folk, put it on your profile - please.
Swing folk, save the trouble and simply ask up front.
Otherwise? Live and let live...it's all just a short life.
Then, times sweep by when you let it fly like it's your last week pulling breath.
Poly folk, put it on your profile - please.
Swing folk, save the trouble and simply ask up front.
Otherwise? Live and let live...it's all just a short life.
Cheers K_T!!!! Well said!!!
F
F
Perhaps "Polyamorous" could be put as another option under the Swing Preferences during the upgrade?
At any rate, I'm not convinced that the defiinition of true polyamory has been touched upon...as we have not heard from any polyamorous couples yet on this matter.
I find it hard to believe that merely because a couple elects to go exclusive with another couple, that they are truly polyamorous. They are merely interested in boinking only one couple.
And what of couples that remain exclusive within a network of 2 or 3 couples...are they "Poly" as well? I would think not. It seems we've run into PLENTY of couples that establish a small circle of friends that they play with on a consistent basis, yet don't refer to themselves as distinctly "Poly".
Polyamorists may have a completely different outlook on the matter and what they are looking for.
J
At any rate, I'm not convinced that the defiinition of true polyamory has been touched upon...as we have not heard from any polyamorous couples yet on this matter.
I find it hard to believe that merely because a couple elects to go exclusive with another couple, that they are truly polyamorous. They are merely interested in boinking only one couple.
And what of couples that remain exclusive within a network of 2 or 3 couples...are they "Poly" as well? I would think not. It seems we've run into PLENTY of couples that establish a small circle of friends that they play with on a consistent basis, yet don't refer to themselves as distinctly "Poly".
Polyamorists may have a completely different outlook on the matter and what they are looking for.
J
Ok! You have heard from someone who is poly....ME. But we are still swingers and no one expects us to be exclusive either.... anymore than we expect them to remain true to us and us alone. Polyamorous is a conjunction of a Greek and a Latin word. Means to love more than one.....I don't fall in love with everyone that we have sex with but I do have 2 secondary relationships. One woman is separated and we met her in the lifestyle.. We love, yes WE love her as much as people can feel love. The other were seeing what swinging was about and came to a club that we attend. The lady and I started talking and then on line and we discovered that we loved each other. I stopped by their house and talked to her husband and we, that couple and us are great friends and she and I are lovers.... and everything is open and above board. Recently while I was in the hospital from a heart attack, they came to visit everyday. So poly really isn't about swinging at all but there are poly people in swinging who are looking for exclusive relationships... I let people know that I'm poly because if the lady and I hit it off...... I don't want any surprises... BUT I never go looking for that type of loving relationship in the swinging community, i.e., "the lifestyle"
I think that some people use the word without a true understanding of what poly really is... Poly can involve sexual relationships but those are based on love not sexual recreation. My wife is not basically poly however, she loves that lady who is not attached as much as I do... so in a way she may be poly but does not wish to define herself that way.
When talking about poly and swinging one has to make a distinction as to what people are looking for in a relationship. And, let's not kid ourselves...swinging and sex with people outside of your marriage or relationship is really a relationship aleit maybe a short lived one but one all the same.
I'm just a person who can and does love more than one person. Like being hetro or BI or whatever..... that's just part of my make up.. I have chosen to be a swinger and if it lead to something I hope that I have let people know ahead of time and found out their feelings on that possibility... If they are not open to that but are sexually attracted, then we can keep it on that basis and I simply have to be aware. I think it can best be analoged to a couple or one of the partners in a couple being bi. They find a couple to play with but that couple are not bi or have no curiosity in that bent.... So they play and the bi part is never an issue because they discussed it beforehand and everybody was fine with the situation....
I belong to a poly group here in my state. the group is more a discussion group although they get together once a month and every mon or Fri to discuss poly issues. Most of the people who are in that group, over 300, will say that poly and swinging are two entirely separate issues and they are totally unrelated. There are a number of members, both single and couples, who are also listed on swinger sites....They are looking for sexual companionship and maybe, if it happens, loving relationships... So poly and swinging are not so exclusive nor does it mean that poly swingers are only looking for LTRs any more than bi women will only play with couples who have bi women in them.... Being poly of Bi ain't an issue...playing is...
There may be some who are in the lifestyle to find lovers... Easy to find out and make a decission about....
I think that some people use the word without a true understanding of what poly really is... Poly can involve sexual relationships but those are based on love not sexual recreation. My wife is not basically poly however, she loves that lady who is not attached as much as I do... so in a way she may be poly but does not wish to define herself that way.
When talking about poly and swinging one has to make a distinction as to what people are looking for in a relationship. And, let's not kid ourselves...swinging and sex with people outside of your marriage or relationship is really a relationship aleit maybe a short lived one but one all the same.
I'm just a person who can and does love more than one person. Like being hetro or BI or whatever..... that's just part of my make up.. I have chosen to be a swinger and if it lead to something I hope that I have let people know ahead of time and found out their feelings on that possibility... If they are not open to that but are sexually attracted, then we can keep it on that basis and I simply have to be aware. I think it can best be analoged to a couple or one of the partners in a couple being bi. They find a couple to play with but that couple are not bi or have no curiosity in that bent.... So they play and the bi part is never an issue because they discussed it beforehand and everybody was fine with the situation....
I belong to a poly group here in my state. the group is more a discussion group although they get together once a month and every mon or Fri to discuss poly issues. Most of the people who are in that group, over 300, will say that poly and swinging are two entirely separate issues and they are totally unrelated. There are a number of members, both single and couples, who are also listed on swinger sites....They are looking for sexual companionship and maybe, if it happens, loving relationships... So poly and swinging are not so exclusive nor does it mean that poly swingers are only looking for LTRs any more than bi women will only play with couples who have bi women in them.... Being poly of Bi ain't an issue...playing is...
There may be some who are in the lifestyle to find lovers... Easy to find out and make a decission about....
Our viewpoint on this topic is more of one that deals with emotions. We have nothing against people who practice poly or being exclusive with other couples. Our problem is when people who are involved in these relationships befriend you and lead you to believe there is interest in becoming close. After you have gone through the typical getting to know each other, start to feel close and relaxed, suddenly you are informed that the relationship either has to end or take a different route because the "other couples" either dont approve or won't understand. Here comes the jealously issues and drama. We feel its only fair that if you are going to be in these types of relationships.. be honest up front or dont go out playing games with others emotions. We have even had couples that have had issues with their exclusive friends for being social with us. If you have decided to let others rule your life, live within the boundaries and dont involve others without for warning. There are feelings and emotional pains that come with rejection in any form.
Posted By: THOUGHTGARDEN Reply posted on:
Mar 23, 2008 - 10:59 am
Perhaps "Polyamorous" could be put as another option under the Swing Preferences during the upgrade?
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That wouldn't be a bad thing. On some other boards, you are listed as
Tame: Are you interested in tame pleasures such as meeting others at a nude beach, or same room sex, but with your own partner? Things such as these?
Moderate (Soft Swing): Are you interested in Moderate pleasures such as touching and oral play with others, and anything else short of intercourse with someone other than your partner?
Wild(Full Swap): Are you interested in Wild pleasures such as having sex with someone other than your partner?
Mar 23, 2008 - 10:59 am
Perhaps "Polyamorous" could be put as another option under the Swing Preferences during the upgrade?
===============================================================
That wouldn't be a bad thing. On some other boards, you are listed as
Tame: Are you interested in tame pleasures such as meeting others at a nude beach, or same room sex, but with your own partner? Things such as these?
Moderate (Soft Swing): Are you interested in Moderate pleasures such as touching and oral play with others, and anything else short of intercourse with someone other than your partner?
Wild(Full Swap): Are you interested in Wild pleasures such as having sex with someone other than your partner?
Posted By: THOUGHTGARDEN Reply posted on:
Mar 23, 2008 - 10:59 am
Perhaps "Polyamorous" could be put as another option under the Swing Preferences during the upgrade?
===============================================================
That wouldn't be a bad thing. On some other boards, you are listed as
Tame: Are you interested in tame pleasures such as meeting others at a nude beach, or same room sex, but with your own partner? Things such as these?
Moderate (Soft Swing): Are you interested in Moderate pleasures such as touching and oral play with others, and anything else short of intercourse with someone other than your partner?
Wild(Full Swap): Are you interested in Wild pleasures such as having sex with someone other than your partner?
Mar 23, 2008 - 10:59 am
Perhaps "Polyamorous" could be put as another option under the Swing Preferences during the upgrade?
===============================================================
That wouldn't be a bad thing. On some other boards, you are listed as
Tame: Are you interested in tame pleasures such as meeting others at a nude beach, or same room sex, but with your own partner? Things such as these?
Moderate (Soft Swing): Are you interested in Moderate pleasures such as touching and oral play with others, and anything else short of intercourse with someone other than your partner?
Wild(Full Swap): Are you interested in Wild pleasures such as having sex with someone other than your partner?
Posted By: THOUGHTGARDEN Reply posted on:
Mar 23, 2008 - 10:59 am
I find it hard to believe that merely because a couple elects to go exclusive with another couple, that they are truly polyamorous. They are merely interested in boinking only one couple.
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Which brings us to a question. If that is the way they are, why are they here? What purpose could be served?
Mar 23, 2008 - 10:59 am
I find it hard to believe that merely because a couple elects to go exclusive with another couple, that they are truly polyamorous. They are merely interested in boinking only one couple.
===============================================================
Which brings us to a question. If that is the way they are, why are they here? What purpose could be served?
Aklim, we were wondering the same thing. Maybe they are scouting for a new couple they think their exclusive couple would enjoy too. That was all we could come up with.
We don`t have a problem with it just so they make it known should we ever make contact.
We don`t have a problem with it just so they make it known should we ever make contact.
still, it does seem like a waste of time and effort to post a profile. If it were me, I'd take down my profile after I made such a match.
Not being into that sort of thing, we can only feel that looking for others is a form of cheating. Before the lifestyle, we would never have considered being with anyone else and if as a couple we were committed to one couple we would not be looking for new playmates. Guess it is not a waste of time to have a profile if you are not really happy in the relationship you are in. If we were into that sort of thing, we would not see a couple knowing they were committed to someone else because if they do the cheating thing to them then they would do it to us. There just to many couples we match with to focus our energy on couples we do not match with.
AKLIM: Your cutting and pasting skills are truly a marvel and a wonderous example of what modern technology gives us!
Oh, and thank YOU for sharing some of our seeking preferences from "another board" (swinging site).
However, I'm wondering, exactly what purpose did interjecting our preferences from another site into your responses serve? Why not just merely cut and paste my original posting from THIS site and analyze my response accordingly?
I'm really scratching my head over that one....huh.....
At any rate, I don't suppose for a moment that I could answer completely why the so-called polyamorists would continue to maintain a profile after entering into an exclusive relationship with another couple or couples.
It would be nothing but "fluff"...
You see, Siren and myself....we're not polyamorists....(at least in the sense that it has been explained to us by the-real-deal, devoted polyamorists), so once again, I restate, as in my original response...that you would have to ask someone that IS a participant in polyamory in order to satisfy your curiosity.
I believe there was at least one response already posted on this thread by a self-admitted polyamorist. Why not direct your inquiries to him/them? I'm sure that will be MUCH more gratifying!
I will add one more thing, however (yes, whis is the "fluff" that I was talking about), that there are plenty of people/couples on here that do enjoy the friendships that are made here in Swing-Land, and even or especially those that don't involve play within those friendships. Siren and I are part of that crowd. We don't have to elect to boink someone just to enjoy their company and open and like-minded friendship they have to offer.
Would it be that much different for the polyamorists?
Perhaps that is why the Amorists keep a profile on here, or any swinger-related site for that matter?
Oh, and thank YOU for sharing some of our seeking preferences from "another board" (swinging site).
However, I'm wondering, exactly what purpose did interjecting our preferences from another site into your responses serve? Why not just merely cut and paste my original posting from THIS site and analyze my response accordingly?
I'm really scratching my head over that one....huh.....
At any rate, I don't suppose for a moment that I could answer completely why the so-called polyamorists would continue to maintain a profile after entering into an exclusive relationship with another couple or couples.
It would be nothing but "fluff"...
You see, Siren and myself....we're not polyamorists....(at least in the sense that it has been explained to us by the-real-deal, devoted polyamorists), so once again, I restate, as in my original response...that you would have to ask someone that IS a participant in polyamory in order to satisfy your curiosity.
I believe there was at least one response already posted on this thread by a self-admitted polyamorist. Why not direct your inquiries to him/them? I'm sure that will be MUCH more gratifying!
I will add one more thing, however (yes, whis is the "fluff" that I was talking about), that there are plenty of people/couples on here that do enjoy the friendships that are made here in Swing-Land, and even or especially those that don't involve play within those friendships. Siren and I are part of that crowd. We don't have to elect to boink someone just to enjoy their company and open and like-minded friendship they have to offer.
Would it be that much different for the polyamorists?
Perhaps that is why the Amorists keep a profile on here, or any swinger-related site for that matter?
NPNUDISTCPLE, I don't think most people doing it are doing it to "find someone new". I think most do it as a means to keep things, safer, drama free and to save all the trouble of finding someone new to swing with. I say to each there own.
-D-
-D-