Ms. K_T and I already have a policy on this, but I'm curious about how the community feels.
It's a common belief and practice in Swinging that if a woman finds another woman attractive, but not her partner, that the women should be allowed to play without partner intervention. Many times, the "benched" partner will not want the other partner to play either...leaving the women to play alone or under a voyeuristic gaze.
Here's the other side of the toss.
No one in their right mind would ask their partner to "Take One For the Team" just because they wanted to play with someone (e.g. have their partner play with a person they had no desire for.)
What if you (the man) was approached by a woman who wanted to play but her partner had no interest in your female partner?
Would you walk on over to your lover and tell her she was benched while you trotted off to play?
Is this a double standard?
Always had a curiosity how the men and women of this Lifestyle feel about that.
-K_T
It's a common belief and practice in Swinging that if a woman finds another woman attractive, but not her partner, that the women should be allowed to play without partner intervention. Many times, the "benched" partner will not want the other partner to play either...leaving the women to play alone or under a voyeuristic gaze.
Here's the other side of the toss.
No one in their right mind would ask their partner to "Take One For the Team" just because they wanted to play with someone (e.g. have their partner play with a person they had no desire for.)
What if you (the man) was approached by a woman who wanted to play but her partner had no interest in your female partner?
Would you walk on over to your lover and tell her she was benched while you trotted off to play?
Is this a double standard?
Always had a curiosity how the men and women of this Lifestyle feel about that.
-K_T
K_T
Many have their different play styles as we all know. Diversity is one thing that makes this lifestyle fun and exciting. While this may be the case with many to leave their partner out, we do this lifestyle to enhance our relationship and fun experiences together, so we don
Many have their different play styles as we all know. Diversity is one thing that makes this lifestyle fun and exciting. While this may be the case with many to leave their partner out, we do this lifestyle to enhance our relationship and fun experiences together, so we don
Good topic, here is our take on it. Since we are both straight the lady only play is out. We do allow each other to play alone but since given this freedom only once did she play while I was working in our two years of allowing such a thing between us.
We try to meet couples and if we all click then great but if not we invite them to a house party. This way we get to play with the partner we were attracted to while the left out one finds someone else at the party. So far there has been no drama but am sure sooner or later we will have an issue to deal with. As far as taking on for the team, no way.
We try to meet couples and if we all click then great but if not we invite them to a house party. This way we get to play with the partner we were attracted to while the left out one finds someone else at the party. So far there has been no drama but am sure sooner or later we will have an issue to deal with. As far as taking on for the team, no way.
Let me see if I can dumb this down a little.
When I have been part of a couple, either WE ALL play, or NO ONE plays!
Period, end of story, no ifs, no butts, no question.
When I have been part of a couple, either WE ALL play, or NO ONE plays!
Period, end of story, no ifs, no butts, no question.
So, how does this happen?? People don't make up their mind somewhat before hand? For me, no picture, no surprises but thanks for asking. There is the exception where I have met someone who was not viaually appealing in a picture but after meeting the personality it was fun to be there.
Thanks all!
Very good input so far.
Desert, to answer your question, Ms. K_T and I really prefer to meet people in person. I do a lot of the IM conversation, she does a lot of the observation then BAM, she's out of her "view" mode and interacting with a personality that most simply don't expect.
Much different than the "quiet, shy" first impression she often gives.
That's what we see a lot. Profiles, pictures? They don't do justice to many. Yet, still, sometimes we just don't click in that bedroom way. Or one of us will while the other won't.
In Utah, we're fortunate enough to have large groups, meet and greets, parties and such. So we can set up meetings with people and if things work we can arrange more intimate time. A lot of the potential "bench" situations are avoided.
We have a great policy between the two of us that works great. We enjoy hearing how others have worked this out in their own relationships! Please, keep the responses coming.
-K_T
Very good input so far.
Desert, to answer your question, Ms. K_T and I really prefer to meet people in person. I do a lot of the IM conversation, she does a lot of the observation then BAM, she's out of her "view" mode and interacting with a personality that most simply don't expect.
Much different than the "quiet, shy" first impression she often gives.
That's what we see a lot. Profiles, pictures? They don't do justice to many. Yet, still, sometimes we just don't click in that bedroom way. Or one of us will while the other won't.
In Utah, we're fortunate enough to have large groups, meet and greets, parties and such. So we can set up meetings with people and if things work we can arrange more intimate time. A lot of the potential "bench" situations are avoided.
We have a great policy between the two of us that works great. We enjoy hearing how others have worked this out in their own relationships! Please, keep the responses coming.
-K_T
Dont know about people sometimes Alot of times it has been just my wife that got action because there were single men..and we are there for SEX NOT A RUNWAY?!?!and then there were times when there were more women..but my wife being bi well HEY NAW..there is alot of t&A to go around dontcha now?Dont know what youre missing you should,ve stayed at home if NO ONE MAKES YOU HOT!?!?!
Good Q .K T..... well like all (well most) we have never asked the other to take one for the team or been benched for the team... we agreed when we began that we would always play together and that is part of the excitenent we derive out of playing with others is watching the other give and recieve pleasure, if one of us is taking one for the team that one isnt truly enjoying them selves and it would severly detract from the pleasure derived from observing the other, and thus place a damper on the visual aspect and hamper the plesuring the other couples partner. The way we aproach it is that all 3 or 4 of us need to be comfy with the situation or it just dont happen... there have been times that we have not played because sara wasnt quite comfy,,, given a little more time and iming with them she baecame comfy and we proceeded foreward. There have been times that afterwords she confided in me that she dont know what happened she just wanted to attack his cock.... and did.. ive never seen her that enthusiastic about things... but it has happened.. and as for me... well come on im a guy.... enuf said?????
its a joint venture,, but if the boss says yes im all there.....
its a joint venture,, but if the boss says yes im all there.....
Nothing implied here KT, just responding and no intent to belittle.
Having a firm policy in place with one's partner makes good sense to me as it seems to others here. A list of alternate venues with no solid expectations. After all it is about fun and hopefully no disappointments.
Having a firm policy in place with one's partner makes good sense to me as it seems to others here. A list of alternate venues with no solid expectations. After all it is about fun and hopefully no disappointments.
Desert - No worries, I took no intentions away from your comment at all. It's all good.
When Ms. K_T and I were new to the lifestyle and still discovering each other, we would just lay down a few ground-rules before we went out to meet people or went to a party - and continued this until we had a strong feel for where we were at in the Lifestyle.
Even now, there are times where we may want to push a little further, or just hold back a bit - a bit like breathing. Times when you want to inhale deep and just take everything...and others where you are content to barely take breath at all.
Communication. It is key to everything. Right?
When Ms. K_T and I were new to the lifestyle and still discovering each other, we would just lay down a few ground-rules before we went out to meet people or went to a party - and continued this until we had a strong feel for where we were at in the Lifestyle.
Even now, there are times where we may want to push a little further, or just hold back a bit - a bit like breathing. Times when you want to inhale deep and just take everything...and others where you are content to barely take breath at all.
Communication. It is key to everything. Right?
I don't know about taking one for the team but either both of us are into them and vice versa or we walk. Now our standards of playmates are way lower than we would expect if we were looking for life mates. In this lifestyle we are looking for sex partners NOT life partners. If those sex partners become good friends, it's a bonus. If not, oh well.
I think it all depends on what you as an individual want from the lifestyle and what you are ok with. I would never bench my wife and sure as hell would never be "benched". We're in this together. We're not in this to be selfish. Anytime the "lifestyle" is one-sided, it's a selfish thing.
-D-
-D-
Sounds like the consensus (with one or two exceptions) is a willingness to Bench it by choice, but never force it on your partner.
The exceptions being that "we're in this together". (Don't want to imply anything contrary there.)
So what about the other side? I've seen, many times, men and women in the lifestyle play with little communication or seeming regard to their partner. Sometimes this causes problems, sometimes it doesn't. I'd like to hear from a few of you. What's your take on this discussion?
The exceptions being that "we're in this together". (Don't want to imply anything contrary there.)
So what about the other side? I've seen, many times, men and women in the lifestyle play with little communication or seeming regard to their partner. Sometimes this causes problems, sometimes it doesn't. I'd like to hear from a few of you. What's your take on this discussion?
We bench it if one desires as such...We both enjoy watching the other be pleased...
Also, as a side note, there is a shortage of single women, so why not allow someone to have their fantasy with yours? We have been trying since entering the lifestyle to find a couple where we could have rotating threesomes...but not a lot will bench it in real life, even though they say they will online or in conversations...
just our experience!
Also, as a side note, there is a shortage of single women, so why not allow someone to have their fantasy with yours? We have been trying since entering the lifestyle to find a couple where we could have rotating threesomes...but not a lot will bench it in real life, even though they say they will online or in conversations...
just our experience!
Hmmm....rotating threesomes...hmmmm...now there's a thought.
I can understand your point completely Jim. If there's an understanding between the couple? Great!
I guess what I'm really curious about is the assumption that it's okay for women to bench their men. However, if their man were to bench their partner? Well, let's just say that I've seen it happen and it hasn't gone over so well. Even with the same couples where the woman played solo just a short time earlier.
Is this "turnabout"? Is it an assumption in the Lifestyle? Lack of communication? Selfishness? Bad behavior? Something else?
I can understand your point completely Jim. If there's an understanding between the couple? Great!
I guess what I'm really curious about is the assumption that it's okay for women to bench their men. However, if their man were to bench their partner? Well, let's just say that I've seen it happen and it hasn't gone over so well. Even with the same couples where the woman played solo just a short time earlier.
Is this "turnabout"? Is it an assumption in the Lifestyle? Lack of communication? Selfishness? Bad behavior? Something else?
As K_T states the lack of communication and regard for the other partner is an important issue in this lifestyle, we feel. We also see it as a turn off for us with this couple if we don
Well it's about time there was an interesting conversation on the forums! 
As both K_T and FUNDO4YOU have pointed out, communication is paramount in this lifestyle, although it seems many don't quite practice that....and to their loss.
As Mr. Two and I have grown together, so have our conversations. Neither of us would EVER ask the other to "take one for the team", it's just not going to happen. However, the discussion of 'benching' one for the team has come up. Both Mr. and I have our own little fantasies that the other is not necessarily interested in participating in, but definitely interested in watching.
I don't think either of us, in these situations, has any problem, sitting it out on the bench (and as K_T points out......you always need someone to hold the camera
) and being the voyuer.
Again, it all comes down to talking with your partner and deciding what it is you are willing to do, and what it is you aren't. So long as there is agreement between the two of you, AND the parties you are playing with, all should be well.
Just my Mrs. Two cents
As both K_T and FUNDO4YOU have pointed out, communication is paramount in this lifestyle, although it seems many don't quite practice that....and to their loss.
As Mr. Two and I have grown together, so have our conversations. Neither of us would EVER ask the other to "take one for the team", it's just not going to happen. However, the discussion of 'benching' one for the team has come up. Both Mr. and I have our own little fantasies that the other is not necessarily interested in participating in, but definitely interested in watching.
I don't think either of us, in these situations, has any problem, sitting it out on the bench (and as K_T points out......you always need someone to hold the camera
) and being the voyuer. Again, it all comes down to talking with your partner and deciding what it is you are willing to do, and what it is you aren't. So long as there is agreement between the two of you, AND the parties you are playing with, all should be well.
Just my Mrs. Two cents
Mrs. Two, we know, we know, we know! OK if Mr Two is OK benching it then, and letting you have "YOUR FANTASY" with us (we know that is what you were referring to, from our psychic nature), we will honor that, and see how that goes this time, and not argue with you two about is and let that happen. Can we at least let him use our good camera? :P
We will have to all COMMUNICATE this more to have some clarity, so we are all on the same sheets. Hey how about these?
We will have to all COMMUNICATE this more to have some clarity, so we are all on the same sheets. Hey how about these?
Heheh...I love fantasy plans.
Two and FunDo, I must say we are on the same page here.
Ms. K_T and I have MANY fantasies and plans. And yes, there are a few that one or the other simply cannot participate in or isn't interested in or even isn't in the fantasy! If that's the case? Sure! We trust each other.
I'm sorry, now matter how I click my ruby slippers, I can't become a woman and participate in that all woman orgy Ms. K_T wants as a fantasy!
Uh...the ruby slippers? They're a metaphor...yeah.
As for seeing a couple who doesn't communicate? Yes FunDo. Doesn't matter if they're dropping in from Mt. Olympus and shooting ambrosia from their tenders! Won't play and DO NOT WANT!
It's a damn shame...waste of a perfect hottness if you ask us.
Two and FunDo, I must say we are on the same page here.
Ms. K_T and I have MANY fantasies and plans. And yes, there are a few that one or the other simply cannot participate in or isn't interested in or even isn't in the fantasy! If that's the case? Sure! We trust each other.
I'm sorry, now matter how I click my ruby slippers, I can't become a woman and participate in that all woman orgy Ms. K_T wants as a fantasy!
Uh...the ruby slippers? They're a metaphor...yeah.
As for seeing a couple who doesn't communicate? Yes FunDo. Doesn't matter if they're dropping in from Mt. Olympus and shooting ambrosia from their tenders! Won't play and DO NOT WANT!
It's a damn shame...waste of a perfect hottness if you ask us.
Well VP, that's an interesting wrench you toss there. Hehehe.
I would simply respond with this...Chicken? Or Egg?
Let's talk your language. To get two computers to talk over a network using the same protocols how is it done? Is it automatic? Or is there some communication that has to come first?
As it is with us.
Sure, we can have similar features, even like minds. But, regardless, there is still that initial sound of mouth before the thoughts merge and we begin finishing one another's sentences.
As for an extension of the Single Man syndrome? Couldn't have said it better myself. Excellent point! I think that's what I've seen happen from time to time.
I would simply respond with this...Chicken? Or Egg?
Let's talk your language. To get two computers to talk over a network using the same protocols how is it done? Is it automatic? Or is there some communication that has to come first?
As it is with us.
Sure, we can have similar features, even like minds. But, regardless, there is still that initial sound of mouth before the thoughts merge and we begin finishing one another's sentences.
As for an extension of the Single Man syndrome? Couldn't have said it better myself. Excellent point! I think that's what I've seen happen from time to time.
VP - in the context of a well established, mature relationship where a secure foundation is set? Yes. There is likely enough commonality to preclude much of the verbal process.
Alright...enough verbosity - I'm still in "work" mode. Apologies
I'm sure there are MANY couples here who can agree with what I'm about to say. (Feel free to nod along if you feel the beat. Wave your hands even...party peoples).
There is a moment, when you are with someone who "fits you" in that way of mystery. You look over and catch them in your peripheral. In a half-beat you are gifted with more insight about where they're at than a night-long talk over wine and candles could ever tell you.
That, my friend, is the moment I think you're talking about. Where the verbal transcends and together you reach something damn near metaphysical. The language of bodies, soul, pheromones, imagination, spirit, emotion...all those elements of being we have yet to define! All of it falls into a communication we suddenly understand. It's an encryption of familiarity and we have the key.
Yet, despite that, we still need the words as an anchor to all. The "I Love You". The "I feel..." Those crucial pieces to express what's more complex and important to our well-being as a couple. They ground us and connect us.
Then we have great sex and complete the circuit and all is well with the world. :P
Make sense?
I honestly feel sorry for the couples I see in this Lifestyle that have lost that. They seem to find other people to fuck just out of spite for their partners.
You can almost hear the distant whistle and crash of a train careening off it's track.
-K_T
Alright...enough verbosity - I'm still in "work" mode. Apologies
I'm sure there are MANY couples here who can agree with what I'm about to say. (Feel free to nod along if you feel the beat. Wave your hands even...party peoples).
There is a moment, when you are with someone who "fits you" in that way of mystery. You look over and catch them in your peripheral. In a half-beat you are gifted with more insight about where they're at than a night-long talk over wine and candles could ever tell you.
That, my friend, is the moment I think you're talking about. Where the verbal transcends and together you reach something damn near metaphysical. The language of bodies, soul, pheromones, imagination, spirit, emotion...all those elements of being we have yet to define! All of it falls into a communication we suddenly understand. It's an encryption of familiarity and we have the key.
Yet, despite that, we still need the words as an anchor to all. The "I Love You". The "I feel..." Those crucial pieces to express what's more complex and important to our well-being as a couple. They ground us and connect us.
Then we have great sex and complete the circuit and all is well with the world. :P
Make sense?
I honestly feel sorry for the couples I see in this Lifestyle that have lost that. They seem to find other people to fuck just out of spite for their partners.
You can almost hear the distant whistle and crash of a train careening off it's track.
-K_T
Since we last posted on this topic we have found the eroticism in seeing each other involved with another couple. Who would have thought that not playing but watching would be as much fun as being involved.
We are always together when we play, however, one may watch while the other plays. Since both of us are bisexual, she may watch me with another man, and I may watch her with another woman. That is a big part of why we swing, so we can satisfy each other, and being a voyeur is part of that satisfaction.
Ron & Chrissy
Ron & Chrissy
we are a couple and play as a couple .. its all or none .. and we have had some guys try to get her to play alone .. these few guys give all the single guys a bad name
Hijack On.
In reading the responses to this thread, it dawned on me that VP had been missing for quite some time. Just an observation. I have missed reading his posts.
Hijack Off.
Very interesting read.
In reading the responses to this thread, it dawned on me that VP had been missing for quite some time. Just an observation. I have missed reading his posts.
Hijack Off.
Very interesting read.
Hijack back on!
Yes Drew, his input is one of a few I referred to in my topic earlier tonight.
Hijack off!
Yes Drew, his input is one of a few I referred to in my topic earlier tonight.
Hijack off!
We're a tag team..all agree or no play..all together, and switching partners and watching each other with different people rocks!..all a part of long,hot nights! Bottom line is everyone has to be happy to enjoy
Hmmmm...yeah, where is VP?
We burned our bench.
We burned our bench.
The big problem we have is that "she" is great looking, exciting, fun in bed, amazing, adventuous, outgoing, hot, charming, ashtonishing, interesting, welcoming, funny, open-minded, a supurb catch, the entire package....and I'm just lucky that I tricked her into staying with me! So if I would never watch from the bench...her life could possibly be nothing more then a huge dissapointment!...LOL
Not anymore. Mr was benched one night for me to go play with My dream couple, the hot sexy lady and one of the only other men who has made me O. Five minutes after sex started Mr came knocking. It was over. Then I was in effect benched during the taking one for the team times, and I won't go for it again. It would take a very special person, and a very special relationship for me to sit on the sidelines or be "somewhere else" while the Mr gets his.