A little girl goes to her mother, really young girl, she says, "Mommy the boy next door has a penis and it's like a peanut."
Almost laughing, her mother is barely able to keep her composure, this being a new discovery and all.
Her mother says, "Oh really? Is that because it is shaped like one?"
The little girl says, "No, it's salty!"
Almost laughing, her mother is barely able to keep her composure, this being a new discovery and all.
Her mother says, "Oh really? Is that because it is shaped like one?"
The little girl says, "No, it's salty!"
A blonde and a brunette walk into a florist's shop. The brunette overhears the florist on the phone and realizes her husband is ordering flowers for her. She goes over to the blonde and says, "Damn! Now I gotta spend all next week lying on my back with my legs spread in the air." The blondes asks, "What, you don't have a vase?"
McCombs' two-seater plane catches fire as he's flying across the wilds of the amazon,and he's forced to crash land in the jungle.He climbs out of the plane,starts walking ,and no sooner is he crossing a clearing than hundreds of screaming savages come out of the forest and surround him,chanting,grunting,and madly waving their spears.McCombs says to himself"i'm fucked".Just then a deep voice bellows from the heavens and says"you are not fucked.Go forth grab the spear of the closest native,and run it through the chief's hear5t."McCombs quickly grabs the closest spear,runs over to the guy with the biggest headdress and lunges the into the man's chest,right where the heart is.The deep voice says"now you're fucked."
LOL nice one 2!
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous
day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her
knees, but still nothing".
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous
day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her
knees, but still nothing".
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"
Two guys walked into a bar. One looked at the other and asked, "You didn't see it either?"
---
A guy stumbles into a pub in Scotland and with a great sigh, orders a scotch on the rocks. Sensing the man's melancholy, the barkeep obliged the man and asked, "Why the long face lad?" In a thick Scottish accent, the man asked, "Have ye seen the barn across the feckin' road from yer pub?" The bartender nodded. "I built i' wi' me own two 'ans"... He takes another sip of whiskey and says, "But do they call me McGregor the Barn Builder? Nay" The bartender furowed his brow and says, "Tis ok lad, one rarely get's credit for one's feats". "Have ye seen the feckin' road ye cross to reach the feckin' barn?" He said dismissively in response to the bartender's reply. "I laid every cobble stoon with me own feckin' 'ands. Do the call me McGregor the Road Engineer? Nay!" Not answering this time, the bartender only studied the distraught man's face, making a tisking noise. To which the the drunken Scotsman replied sticking his index finger up... "But you feck one goat".
---
A guy stumbles into a pub in Scotland and with a great sigh, orders a scotch on the rocks. Sensing the man's melancholy, the barkeep obliged the man and asked, "Why the long face lad?" In a thick Scottish accent, the man asked, "Have ye seen the barn across the feckin' road from yer pub?" The bartender nodded. "I built i' wi' me own two 'ans"... He takes another sip of whiskey and says, "But do they call me McGregor the Barn Builder? Nay" The bartender furowed his brow and says, "Tis ok lad, one rarely get's credit for one's feats". "Have ye seen the feckin' road ye cross to reach the feckin' barn?" He said dismissively in response to the bartender's reply. "I laid every cobble stoon with me own feckin' 'ands. Do the call me McGregor the Road Engineer? Nay!" Not answering this time, the bartender only studied the distraught man's face, making a tisking noise. To which the the drunken Scotsman replied sticking his index finger up... "But you feck one goat".
What did the Bra say to the Hat? " You go on ahead and I will give these two a lift"
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quit nice, don't u think, Tracy?" "Yeah, what's it called Sharon?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi? What does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help."Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'." Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arme to Tracy again asying, "That dosen't smell like come to me. Does it smell like cum to u?"
A couple is at the nude beach when a bee flies inside the woman. they don`t know what to do so they go to the ER. The physician says this is a nodd case and says I have an idea. He turns to the husband and asks how long he is and the husband, confused shows the doc. The doc says this is odd but I am much longer and my thinking is to tempt the bee out with honey on the end but it has to go in deep enough so the bee can get on without stinging the wife.
With time wasting they all agree and the doc gets himself hard and covers the end of his penis with honey and slides in and no bee. He then tries to lure the bee and slides in and out a few times and the husband is getting quite anxuos by now. Finally the doc starts picking up the pace really moving his hips and slamming her and the wife is moaning and the upset husband says "doc, what the fuck are you doing"
The doctor replies change of plans, we are going to drown the bastard.
With time wasting they all agree and the doc gets himself hard and covers the end of his penis with honey and slides in and no bee. He then tries to lure the bee and slides in and out a few times and the husband is getting quite anxuos by now. Finally the doc starts picking up the pace really moving his hips and slamming her and the wife is moaning and the upset husband says "doc, what the fuck are you doing"
The doctor replies change of plans, we are going to drown the bastard.
A cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."
The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me.
See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!"
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned
prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."
The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me.
See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!"
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned
prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
God and St. Peter were sitting on a cloud looking down at the earth. St. Peter turns to God and says "Poor Adam, he has no one to blame but himself"
Gods replies; "Well, I can do something about that!"
Gods replies; "Well, I can do something about that!"