Hi all, me again here with another vent.
As we have turned into full blown swingers, our "Vanilla" friends are becoming an issue.
We usually swing out of town for two reasons, first there are very few swingers in our area, and I'm having my doubts that the ones that are here are who they say they are, and second, (as a friend once said) we are in a small town and can't "shit in our own nest."
The problem is we are very fun people to be around (not bragging,) and when we go out of town our Vanilla friends want to come with us.
This leads into the problem, if we take our friends out of town with us we can't find someone to play with, or we have to "out" ourselves to them which leads to SO many other issues that I don't even want to contemplate what could happen then. (Basically all of them would not be open and understanding.)
So we are planning a trip to Mesquite, for all you Northerners that's like Wendover, and some of our Vanillas want to come, but we want to "hook up" while we are there, and if we don't "hook up" we could still have alot of fun with our regular friends.
So do we risk putting a wedge in our friendships by making up stories and lies, or do we give up on getting some? its like a double edged sword, (we would love to have more swinger friends, but I will refer you to above statement about lack of real swingers in our area.)
In many ways I would love to just announce at the next bash that we are swingers now and they should just deal with it, but we all know that's NOT a good idea.
Any thoughts or ideas? I guess we just have to pick one huh?
-Classy
As we have turned into full blown swingers, our "Vanilla" friends are becoming an issue.
We usually swing out of town for two reasons, first there are very few swingers in our area, and I'm having my doubts that the ones that are here are who they say they are, and second, (as a friend once said) we are in a small town and can't "shit in our own nest."
The problem is we are very fun people to be around (not bragging,) and when we go out of town our Vanilla friends want to come with us.
This leads into the problem, if we take our friends out of town with us we can't find someone to play with, or we have to "out" ourselves to them which leads to SO many other issues that I don't even want to contemplate what could happen then. (Basically all of them would not be open and understanding.)
So we are planning a trip to Mesquite, for all you Northerners that's like Wendover, and some of our Vanillas want to come, but we want to "hook up" while we are there, and if we don't "hook up" we could still have alot of fun with our regular friends.
So do we risk putting a wedge in our friendships by making up stories and lies, or do we give up on getting some? its like a double edged sword, (we would love to have more swinger friends, but I will refer you to above statement about lack of real swingers in our area.)
In many ways I would love to just announce at the next bash that we are swingers now and they should just deal with it, but we all know that's NOT a good idea.
Any thoughts or ideas? I guess we just have to pick one huh?
-Classy
You could always say that you two are looking at this trip as a couples only outing. All couples need time away and alone now and then. Let them know that you'd love to have them go with you any other time but you really need this time alone on this trip.
Good luck and have fun!
Ali
Good luck and have fun!
Ali
I have to agree the vanilla friend thing is a problem. For us I feel it goes even deeper than scheduling. If one of our friends calls and asks if we are free for dinner Friday night, it automatically pops into my mind
I don't think we've ever had this problem, nor do I see it happening in the future. My wife and I are pretty aloof as it is, and generally don't have any sort of "me too" type people that we deal with often.
That aside, I can't imagine a long-term "friend" who we keep close contact with and who we had to wear a mask around. I'm sure this isn't helping the problems stated on this thread, but I'm genuinely curious what a "friend" would have to offer when you fear rejection from them at the mention of a certain aspect of your life. Don't get me wrong, we have vanilla friends too, but any of them that we have any prolonged contact with know what we are about. They understand that we are fine with their choice of lifestyle and they are fine with ours, any of our acquaintances who we believe won't be alright with our lifestyle aren't ones that we spend too much time with. In other words, we don't shout from the rooftops or anything, and we do keep low key for the most part (and among morality police types), but we couldn't invite anyone that judgmental into our lives.
FollowtheFender
That aside, I can't imagine a long-term "friend" who we keep close contact with and who we had to wear a mask around. I'm sure this isn't helping the problems stated on this thread, but I'm genuinely curious what a "friend" would have to offer when you fear rejection from them at the mention of a certain aspect of your life. Don't get me wrong, we have vanilla friends too, but any of them that we have any prolonged contact with know what we are about. They understand that we are fine with their choice of lifestyle and they are fine with ours, any of our acquaintances who we believe won't be alright with our lifestyle aren't ones that we spend too much time with. In other words, we don't shout from the rooftops or anything, and we do keep low key for the most part (and among morality police types), but we couldn't invite anyone that judgmental into our lives.
FollowtheFender
Its really just how to bring it up. I will tell any of my old friends but just how to get that started is kinda tricky but when it has to come up it will be little drama.........I think
C&K
C&K
I once heard it put *I dont grow potatos where I get my meat*, I prefer to say *I dont play in my own backyard*.
I know... I'm just one of *those* single men.
You know, it doesnt sound like you give your *vanilla* friends much credit. You assume *they* would not enjoy a local *off premise* swingers club. Have you ever sat your vanilla friends down and talk to them (feel them out so to speak), to see if they are looking for ways to *spice* up their relationship?
I've taken many *vanilla* women to the local swinger clubs. Ok, so some wont go back, but others are like *wow, that was fun!! I'm not into swinging and swapping, but these people are great!*
Here in the Dallas / Ft Worth area, the lifestyle is HOT and happening! There are at least 7 off premise clubs, and as many on premise clubs. Plus many swingers in the area prefer going to the *vanilla* clubs to pick up men, women, and other couples.
In MHO, IF, and I say IF, you go to a swinger club hoping/looking/expecting to pick up someone, I feel you've gone for the wrong reason. Go to have fun, meet new people, network, and IF you find someone at the club you enjoy being with, then I'm sure *as they say here in Texas* ya'll are going to have some swapping fun....
And yes, I have been part of a couple, with a few different women. Why am I not still a couple with any of them? They seem to start really getting into the lifestyle, and then they realize they're having too much fun, and scare themselves out of it.
Oh yeah, and I'm the asshole single male, the most unwanted animal in the lifestyle. lol
I know... I'm just one of *those* single men.
You know, it doesnt sound like you give your *vanilla* friends much credit. You assume *they* would not enjoy a local *off premise* swingers club. Have you ever sat your vanilla friends down and talk to them (feel them out so to speak), to see if they are looking for ways to *spice* up their relationship?
I've taken many *vanilla* women to the local swinger clubs. Ok, so some wont go back, but others are like *wow, that was fun!! I'm not into swinging and swapping, but these people are great!*
Here in the Dallas / Ft Worth area, the lifestyle is HOT and happening! There are at least 7 off premise clubs, and as many on premise clubs. Plus many swingers in the area prefer going to the *vanilla* clubs to pick up men, women, and other couples.
In MHO, IF, and I say IF, you go to a swinger club hoping/looking/expecting to pick up someone, I feel you've gone for the wrong reason. Go to have fun, meet new people, network, and IF you find someone at the club you enjoy being with, then I'm sure *as they say here in Texas* ya'll are going to have some swapping fun....
And yes, I have been part of a couple, with a few different women. Why am I not still a couple with any of them? They seem to start really getting into the lifestyle, and then they realize they're having too much fun, and scare themselves out of it.
Oh yeah, and I'm the asshole single male, the most unwanted animal in the lifestyle. lol
all of our vanilla friends know that we swing.we try to juggle time between all.when we tell our vanilla friends we are going out of town they understand.as a rule we don't play in town with people we already know but rules are made to be broken though.as far as going to mesquite just tell your friends that want to come along that you meeting another couple there and let them wonder.
Phil
Phil
FOLLOWTHEFENDER,
We do not fear rejection from our friends, we have to live with these people everyday in our lives. Imagine for a moment the scenario when your close friends find you out (the first thing they would do is tell everybody they see or talk to) and the next time there is a bash and you stand too close to someones spouse you must "want to fuck them", or if they bring around a new friend "you better stay away" and "stop trying to fuck my friends." suddenly you have no morals or values and they think of you as a slut, and treat you like a whore.
How about those disrespectful types that think because you swing they have an open door to grope, hit on, and fuck you or your spouse anytime they want? Thinking if you swing you must be OK with fucking anybody, even that gross guy that looks homeless that I cant figure out why he keeps getting invited.!!
IRONHORSE360,
Its not about giving my friends more credit, its about knowing these people, some all of my life, if you have to wonder how they would feel about swinging, they are not true friends.
I am a swinger, and even in secrecy I do not hide who I am, I have been told already to stay away from so and so, and stop touching whats his name, and why would you say that man is hot in front of your husband? what the hell is wrong with you?
These people already disrespect my relationship because we allow flirting, dancing and touching with other people, imagine the disrespect if I told them I fuck other people.
We don't have very many friends we would fuck even if we had an opportunity, so why go there?
P.S. We enjoy single males, do not think of them as unwanted animals, I think they are very enjoyable, and so does Mr Classy, (not BI loves to share!)
I would love to get all new friends that all know about my lifestyle, but in a town as small as ours, its not going to happen. We keep our preferences a secret because its how it has to be for us. I have only 2 friends who "know" and already we have had problems from it.
~Mrs~
We do not fear rejection from our friends, we have to live with these people everyday in our lives. Imagine for a moment the scenario when your close friends find you out (the first thing they would do is tell everybody they see or talk to) and the next time there is a bash and you stand too close to someones spouse you must "want to fuck them", or if they bring around a new friend "you better stay away" and "stop trying to fuck my friends." suddenly you have no morals or values and they think of you as a slut, and treat you like a whore.
How about those disrespectful types that think because you swing they have an open door to grope, hit on, and fuck you or your spouse anytime they want? Thinking if you swing you must be OK with fucking anybody, even that gross guy that looks homeless that I cant figure out why he keeps getting invited.!!
IRONHORSE360,
Its not about giving my friends more credit, its about knowing these people, some all of my life, if you have to wonder how they would feel about swinging, they are not true friends.
I am a swinger, and even in secrecy I do not hide who I am, I have been told already to stay away from so and so, and stop touching whats his name, and why would you say that man is hot in front of your husband? what the hell is wrong with you?
These people already disrespect my relationship because we allow flirting, dancing and touching with other people, imagine the disrespect if I told them I fuck other people.
We don't have very many friends we would fuck even if we had an opportunity, so why go there?
P.S. We enjoy single males, do not think of them as unwanted animals, I think they are very enjoyable, and so does Mr Classy, (not BI loves to share!)
I would love to get all new friends that all know about my lifestyle, but in a town as small as ours, its not going to happen. We keep our preferences a secret because its how it has to be for us. I have only 2 friends who "know" and already we have had problems from it.
~Mrs~
That makes sense Classy. I know a couple that lives in Cedar City as well, and they don't keep friends there. Probably the same kind of stuff.
FollowtheFender
FollowtheFender
Well, I'd say that your best bet for fending off the tagalongs is telling them you just need some time away for the two of you. Or possibly tell them you have plans to visit with some friends you hardly ever get to see. You could tell it would probably be really boring for them. It might just save you the grief of taking extra people with you.
I used to live in one of those towns where if someone thought they saw you doing something bad whethere it turned out to be true or not, everyone in town knew about it by the next day and so did all my family so I know where you're coming from. Good luck!
-SG
I used to live in one of those towns where if someone thought they saw you doing something bad whethere it turned out to be true or not, everyone in town knew about it by the next day and so did all my family so I know where you're coming from. Good luck!
-SG
OK fair warning some may be shocked....well just be straight out...Tell them "we are doing something together". For some who know me and Lisa...I am as straight forward as they come...most of my friends that i grew up with know i am into this and understand...I really don't have friends who don't really know me..Whats really scary....going to a party....and seeing your step-sister!!! I left fast!!! Not before i was seen...Friends..there are always a way around..family...now thats complicated..good luck to ya!!Erik
classy, if you get this one figured out, please fill me in! I hate lies and find I tell them to people I truly care about and should never feel the urge to lie to. I have a terrible memory so lies just don't suit me!
The "we're going to a family wedding" lie doesn't work when one of our best vanilla friends is also a cousin.
Maybe this thread needs to turn into a list of the perfect foolproof lies to tell friends that cant seem to do anything without you cuz you're too fun to be around! Sucks to be soo cool doesn't it
The "we're going to a family wedding" lie doesn't work when one of our best vanilla friends is also a cousin.
Maybe this thread needs to turn into a list of the perfect foolproof lies to tell friends that cant seem to do anything without you cuz you're too fun to be around! Sucks to be soo cool doesn't it
So to add to this thread another chapter........
My best friend, who is also gay, is one of the only people that know we swing, I "came out" to him a couple months ago.
Over the weekend he took it upon himself to tell a single male friend of his that we swing and he should meet us and then brought him to a Vanilla party we were at. Talk about being devastated, embarrassed and furious. To be standing in front of this vanilla boy, probably red faced, and looking at your friend thinking "Why are you trying to sabotage me?"
Now comes the question of, what do you say? I am really taken back by this turn of events. I understand that he is only trying to help, and in some way thinks hes doing me a favor, but all I could do is shine this guy on and try to keep whatever composure I had.
We don't mind bringing in a Vanilla boy here and there, but never into our "regular life" scene. The problem being that vanilla boys talk to much, and they find it COOL, cool enough to tell all their friends, and sooner or later it will come back to us. UGH.
So........ since this has come up I have decided that NO ONE needs to know, because no matter how much they love you they just will not understand.
~K~
My best friend, who is also gay, is one of the only people that know we swing, I "came out" to him a couple months ago.
Over the weekend he took it upon himself to tell a single male friend of his that we swing and he should meet us and then brought him to a Vanilla party we were at. Talk about being devastated, embarrassed and furious. To be standing in front of this vanilla boy, probably red faced, and looking at your friend thinking "Why are you trying to sabotage me?"
Now comes the question of, what do you say? I am really taken back by this turn of events. I understand that he is only trying to help, and in some way thinks hes doing me a favor, but all I could do is shine this guy on and try to keep whatever composure I had.
We don't mind bringing in a Vanilla boy here and there, but never into our "regular life" scene. The problem being that vanilla boys talk to much, and they find it COOL, cool enough to tell all their friends, and sooner or later it will come back to us. UGH.
So........ since this has come up I have decided that NO ONE needs to know, because no matter how much they love you they just will not understand.
~K~
Small towns are a real pain in the posterior. We were asked if I was at the hospital when we came in at about 4am. We told tham that we were at a party that lasted a bit longer than we had expected. People here talk about other people on the other side of town... I think they can tell what you ate last night, and will tell everyone they comeincontact with about it. A for this specific case... I think I would just tell them that you have plans that do not involve them but maybe another time when things are not planned. Being good friends with "vanilla" people who are so hanggie oners can be a real drag if you are in the lifestyle. As for telling most people that you swing... well to say the least..... DOn't... I wouldn't tell my right winged brother that we swing... He would probably have a conniption. If friends ask if you swing, they alreasy have the notion and they are still there so if you think it's prudent... OK. Never just tell anyone just so that you are honest with you and in a small town.... you will probably be ostrisized. We have contacted people in this town who are on other sites and they usually will not answer a note. Afraid that people will find out who they are. We have met people on the streets that we know from clubs and generally just say hi or exchange pleasantries.... Happened yesterday at a local restaurant...met a guy with his daughter and we said hi and were very warm but the daughter looked very confused by it all... His wife wasn't there so we figured that his daughter was taking Dad out for FathersDay. Have met people we have played with and just said hi and little more and moved on... I haven't aclue why anyone would duck out of a club if they see some one they know, even a relative. They are there for the same reason as you and might be just as imbarrassed but your secrete is safe with them. One of my girlfriends and my wife and I were at a club social and she ran into her husbands boss... Nothing ever came of it and they didn't even ask why he wasn't there or who we were. We swingers are a very descreet lot, for the most part.. and seeing someone you know, at a club, generally results in nothing but another friend. We go to socials/dances/parties just about every week but in towns not too far away... If we meet people we know we are most likely to talk to them and say hi and talk about how great the music is that night or even hook up.... So one never knows ... Life is a joke within a joke sometimes.... and one need to learn how to laugh at what it brings to the table.