A couple with whom I have been friends with for many years (we all grew up together) used to participate in the swinging lifestyle but stopped when they decided to have children. It has been five years and 3 children later and recently my friend came to me with his problem. It would seem that his wife wants to begin participating in lifestyle activities again while he does not. Since his children have been born he has had time to rethink things and while he loves his wife he has no interest in the lifestyle nor does he want to participate in it. My advice to him was 2 fold. The first piece of advice I gave him was to be honest with his spouse about his feelings. The second piece of advice was for them to get counseling by a licensed therapist who has experience in alternative lifestyles.
What do you guys think? what would your advice be if the roles were reversed? If he wanted to resume the lifestyle but she did not?
Richard
What do you guys think? what would your advice be if the roles were reversed? If he wanted to resume the lifestyle but she did not?
Richard
get a new spouse 
rose
just teasing, but we know friends that it did happen
rose
just teasing, but we know friends that it did happen
Its a tough situation either way. Honesty is definitely the best policy. My wife and I each had fantasy's about this lifestyle for years before we actually told the other. Once we Finlay did we talked about it every day it seemed. We didn't want to jump in to it. One of the things that we discussed was what if she or I just couldn't "do it". we agreed that neither of us would push the other nor resent the other if one of us wanted to take things further. Provided be fallowed basic rules. At the time neither of us even considered playing/meet ting people without each other, but we felt it was necessary to discus it. Over the course of a few months we talked and had a meeting with a few couples together. Although the prospect of being with another couple/person turned my wife on she is a very very shy person. It was harder and harder for her to get excited to meet people because she always felt she was being judged and/or sized up. rather than push her it was easyer for me to talk With/meet couples and slowly bring her into things. This way when she met them it wasn't meeting total strangers and if she didn't want to meet she felt no pressure. I find myself very lucky that she has given me the freedom to have fun. (provided its only with couples, she has a real issue with the idea of me just meeting woman alone, which i can understand) I would defiantly do the same for her. For us it was realizing that sex and love are two different things and that neither of us has any intention of leaving the other. Also it was her trusting me and me trusting her. Just because one of us wanted to be with someone else sexually didn't take anything away from how much we loved each other. its been nice with her not feeling like there is that pressure to meet people when shes not ready, she can say go ahead have fun, just tell me all about it..lol. (funny thing is shes been more willing to talk and meet with couples after I Have been talking with or met them) We both agreed that the other persons happiness was what each of us wanted. Maybe were different I don't know. I just know that we are happier now than we have ever been.
I would say "game over " also
I don't understand why they need councelling. All they need to do is sit down and work on the solution. Does he trust her enough that she can play by herself or, by the same token, not play and not cheat. IF there are issues that they cannot resolve then maybe councelling would be appropriate. THere is an unwritten rule that when it's over for one it's over for both but again rules are simply to keep things in order... Maybe playing separate, i.e., she plays and he makes sure she is safe... It may be that seeing her play might respark interest, but who knows.
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I think the logic is obvious. Common sense should answer this one. I for one, see no necessity in this lifestyle. My wife is just as able to give it up. We do this as fun, it does not define us. We do it if it's convenient to and we are both game. Granted, it hasn't all been perfect, but we learn as we go. I don't think anyone should invest <u>more</u> in swinging than they do their own life and relationship. If you choose swinging over your partner's wishes, then you do not respect or love your partner more than the "lifestyle". I think that's the answer. Some view this as a way of life. Those that choose the "lifestyle" as #1, should be single. This is my opinion. Personally, I could give a fuck if shit happens. We are here for friends with similar interests. If it results in naughtiness great, if not... Oh well. This is not our life. We do not live to "hook up".
<br>
-Don-</p></div>
I think the logic is obvious. Common sense should answer this one. I for one, see no necessity in this lifestyle. My wife is just as able to give it up. We do this as fun, it does not define us. We do it if it's convenient to and we are both game. Granted, it hasn't all been perfect, but we learn as we go. I don't think anyone should invest <u>more</u> in swinging than they do their own life and relationship. If you choose swinging over your partner's wishes, then you do not respect or love your partner more than the "lifestyle". I think that's the answer. Some view this as a way of life. Those that choose the "lifestyle" as #1, should be single. This is my opinion. Personally, I could give a fuck if shit happens. We are here for friends with similar interests. If it results in naughtiness great, if not... Oh well. This is not our life. We do not live to "hook up".
<br>
-Don-</p></div>
It seems to me that the marriage and family should be more important than the lifestyle. It does seem backwards that the guy is the one stopping for good, but still it should be the way the family goes. The woman should not divorce her husband over this, again for the good of the kids. Children are not forever.....they grow up and become adults one day. Maybe then he will decide to continue.
Cheating wives should not be treated any different than cheating husbands. If it is wrong for a married man to swing without the wife knowing, it is wrong for a woman to step out on her husband.
Cheating wives should not be treated any different than cheating husbands. If it is wrong for a married man to swing without the wife knowing, it is wrong for a woman to step out on her husband.
For me and my wife swinging was NOT about me having sex with another woman, or her having sex with another man or woman. Swinging was all about US, as a COUPLE having sex with our good friends. We never played alone and we always swapped in the same room.
If at any time my wife had wanted to stop, we would have stopped. I also know that if I had wanted to stop, she would have stopped. We discussed this situation more than once and we checked our commitment to each other and the lifestyle before attending or hosting parties.
If at any time my wife had wanted to stop, we would have stopped. I also know that if I had wanted to stop, she would have stopped. We discussed this situation more than once and we checked our commitment to each other and the lifestyle before attending or hosting parties.
My wife read the post and wanted me to add if she was DONE with this lifestyle then we would be done. Its not a HAVE to but a WANT to for us. That if it hurts or looks like it will hurt our relationship or family then we are both done. I agree with her 100%.
Her advice was be honest and talk, then go from there.
Thanks
Her advice was be honest and talk, then go from there.
Thanks
Aye,
The logic in a lot of these responses is sound.
What are you here for? What are you doing it for? If it's for fun, then you know the saying "All good things..."
The "Game Over" response is pretty sound. But sometimes? You do get a Pandora's box...and need to get some perspective - a different view. Life isn't always as simple as "Black and White" (this coming from the MASTER of Black and White!)
So the initial answer of Find a Counselor familiar with Alternative Lifestyles experience? A VERY good one.
Here's a place to start:
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/index.htm
If you can't flip the switch? Build a new one, on a new page and start something you can both agree with and be happy about.
-K_T
The logic in a lot of these responses is sound.
What are you here for? What are you doing it for? If it's for fun, then you know the saying "All good things..."
The "Game Over" response is pretty sound. But sometimes? You do get a Pandora's box...and need to get some perspective - a different view. Life isn't always as simple as "Black and White" (this coming from the MASTER of Black and White!)
So the initial answer of Find a Counselor familiar with Alternative Lifestyles experience? A VERY good one.
Here's a place to start:
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/index.htm
If you can't flip the switch? Build a new one, on a new page and start something you can both agree with and be happy about.
-K_T
The "No" always wins Dude...
Yeah.
I hear your pain.
-Te
Yeah.
I hear your pain.
-Te
Well.
How amazing that the "couple in question" just happens to be in my home town. And my wife and I are at a serious impasse about the same subject, but in the "traditional direction" i.e. I still want it. She still doesn't.
I'm... very surprised that a bunch of Swingers are so unanimous that "No trumps yes": that swinging is just something you do - but are ashamed of enough that any "no" in the group instantly defines the partner's life as well. Why isn't "yes" just as valid?
In our case, we've been married for over 25 years. We've had a very-good run. Our children are grown and gone. We're financially comfortable. And we're still physically capable - as we watch our parents be physically unable to walk, hear, see, pee, or do much of anything to enjoy *anything* - the point there being that I hear the clock ticking and to me, this is THE time of life to reap one's reward for the life one has lead - before it's too late to do anything but try to keep breathing.
And for me, being honest, the ONE thing that is my reward - is erotic fun. Let me be clear that what I crave is *erotic fun* - not just madly try to find someone new to fuck and never see again - but partners who want to wallow in the erotic experience of "Truth or Dare" and Lifestyle conventions and teasing and games. That's IT for me. That's why "doing it" is called "doing IT". And I've been a great husband/father/responsible citizen for over 50 years. And I feel that there isn't anything else in my life that really gives me a "reason for living".
And my wife, bless her, just has never had any passion. She enjoys it when I have sex with her. When I give her a nice massage followed by 3 or 4 orgasms. But she's happy with twice a month or less. And she had no need at all for my "erotic experiences". So here we are. And over the last 10 years we've tried pretty-much every possibility: traditional fidelity, me cheating, us swinging, me swinging alone with her permission... and it always ultimately winds up that the only way she is not *miserable* is if I'm following "traditional fidelity". And the only way I'm not miserable - is if I have the freedom to pursue erotic associations.
Now. If my passion were bowling, there wouldn't be a problem. If her passion were gardening or shoe shopping, there wouldn't be a problem. Everybody would just tell us to do our thing without the other - and enjoy what we *do* enjoy together. But somehow sex is THE one that we have to do *together* or not at all.
So we're very very seriously trying to figure out if we'd both be happier by tearing up a marriage and going our separate ways.
We can all *say* that whoever does NOT want to swing - rules the day, but imagine whatever your very-favorite thing is to do. Then imagine your spouse telling you: "I don't like to do that, so WE won't ever do that and You won't do it without me - and you won't do it alone, either - ever again". Now what?
How amazing that the "couple in question" just happens to be in my home town. And my wife and I are at a serious impasse about the same subject, but in the "traditional direction" i.e. I still want it. She still doesn't.
I'm... very surprised that a bunch of Swingers are so unanimous that "No trumps yes": that swinging is just something you do - but are ashamed of enough that any "no" in the group instantly defines the partner's life as well. Why isn't "yes" just as valid?
In our case, we've been married for over 25 years. We've had a very-good run. Our children are grown and gone. We're financially comfortable. And we're still physically capable - as we watch our parents be physically unable to walk, hear, see, pee, or do much of anything to enjoy *anything* - the point there being that I hear the clock ticking and to me, this is THE time of life to reap one's reward for the life one has lead - before it's too late to do anything but try to keep breathing.
And for me, being honest, the ONE thing that is my reward - is erotic fun. Let me be clear that what I crave is *erotic fun* - not just madly try to find someone new to fuck and never see again - but partners who want to wallow in the erotic experience of "Truth or Dare" and Lifestyle conventions and teasing and games. That's IT for me. That's why "doing it" is called "doing IT". And I've been a great husband/father/responsible citizen for over 50 years. And I feel that there isn't anything else in my life that really gives me a "reason for living".
And my wife, bless her, just has never had any passion. She enjoys it when I have sex with her. When I give her a nice massage followed by 3 or 4 orgasms. But she's happy with twice a month or less. And she had no need at all for my "erotic experiences". So here we are. And over the last 10 years we've tried pretty-much every possibility: traditional fidelity, me cheating, us swinging, me swinging alone with her permission... and it always ultimately winds up that the only way she is not *miserable* is if I'm following "traditional fidelity". And the only way I'm not miserable - is if I have the freedom to pursue erotic associations.
Now. If my passion were bowling, there wouldn't be a problem. If her passion were gardening or shoe shopping, there wouldn't be a problem. Everybody would just tell us to do our thing without the other - and enjoy what we *do* enjoy together. But somehow sex is THE one that we have to do *together* or not at all.
So we're very very seriously trying to figure out if we'd both be happier by tearing up a marriage and going our separate ways.
We can all *say* that whoever does NOT want to swing - rules the day, but imagine whatever your very-favorite thing is to do. Then imagine your spouse telling you: "I don't like to do that, so WE won't ever do that and You won't do it without me - and you won't do it alone, either - ever again". Now what?
Quote:
We can all *say* that whoever does NOT want to swing - rules the day, but imagine whatever your very-favorite thing is to do. Then imagine your spouse telling you: "I don't like to do that, so WE won't ever do that and You won't do it without me - and you won't do it alone, either - ever again". Now what?
In my mind, if a partner has a problem with something the other is doing, the one doing it should cease participating in the problematic activity.
Continuing in actions that you know cause your partner pain just because you like/enjoy/think you need it is selfish and uncaring.
Take the situation of an alcoholic - they like drinking. They enjoy it. It makes them feel good, brings them pleasure. They've worked hard for 20-50 years, they deserve to let loose and enjoy life a bit. But what that alcoholic does not see, beyond his own pleasure/addiction is the effect his/her actions are having on the very person they claim to love.
A loving relationship does not seek to engage in activities that cause harm to the relationship. Especially with the disclosure, "I like it, I need it, I want it." "If you'd just provide what I need, I'd be happy and would not have to look elsewhere."
That's emotionally abusive, manipulative and damaging.
One does not get to take their pleasures at the cost of another. In a partnership, one person's wants do not trump anothers. If both cannot agree, the thing in question should not happen.
I'm going to be brutally blunt here...
Nobody of any gender is owed sex. Nobody is owed erotic experiences simply because they did XYZ. Demanding a partner to comply with your sexual desires is wrong. Either you both agree or it should not happen. Erotic experiences are not a right. It's a perk of being an adult. Along with that perk comes a responsibility - you treat your life partner with respect, with understanding and do not demand that they kowtow to your desires.
Equating erotic experiences to bowling is, IMO, rather lame. Bowling has nothing to do with the physical and emotional connection between partners. (leaving swinging bowling parties out of the equation here) Sex, even when it is just plain old sex, is an exchange between two people who trust each other enough to lay bare the most intimate part of themselves. It's an act of trust. Bowling? Not so much.
Ali
We can all *say* that whoever does NOT want to swing - rules the day, but imagine whatever your very-favorite thing is to do. Then imagine your spouse telling you: "I don't like to do that, so WE won't ever do that and You won't do it without me - and you won't do it alone, either - ever again". Now what?
In my mind, if a partner has a problem with something the other is doing, the one doing it should cease participating in the problematic activity.
Continuing in actions that you know cause your partner pain just because you like/enjoy/think you need it is selfish and uncaring.
Take the situation of an alcoholic - they like drinking. They enjoy it. It makes them feel good, brings them pleasure. They've worked hard for 20-50 years, they deserve to let loose and enjoy life a bit. But what that alcoholic does not see, beyond his own pleasure/addiction is the effect his/her actions are having on the very person they claim to love.
A loving relationship does not seek to engage in activities that cause harm to the relationship. Especially with the disclosure, "I like it, I need it, I want it." "If you'd just provide what I need, I'd be happy and would not have to look elsewhere."
That's emotionally abusive, manipulative and damaging.
One does not get to take their pleasures at the cost of another. In a partnership, one person's wants do not trump anothers. If both cannot agree, the thing in question should not happen.
I'm going to be brutally blunt here...
Nobody of any gender is owed sex. Nobody is owed erotic experiences simply because they did XYZ. Demanding a partner to comply with your sexual desires is wrong. Either you both agree or it should not happen. Erotic experiences are not a right. It's a perk of being an adult. Along with that perk comes a responsibility - you treat your life partner with respect, with understanding and do not demand that they kowtow to your desires.
Equating erotic experiences to bowling is, IMO, rather lame. Bowling has nothing to do with the physical and emotional connection between partners. (leaving swinging bowling parties out of the equation here) Sex, even when it is just plain old sex, is an exchange between two people who trust each other enough to lay bare the most intimate part of themselves. It's an act of trust. Bowling? Not so much.
Ali
Thanks for the welcome, T4.
What in the world is this thread doing in the "Travel News" section? (smile)
The thing which is both great - and terrible - about our situation - is that we're past "blaming" each other. We just sadly realize that I will ALWAYS want this. And she will NEVER want it. I've gotten an opportunity recently to talk with my parents who are now 80. My Dad divorced my Mom 35 years ago - after 19 years of marriage - over EXACTLY the same thing. He didn't even *remember* why he left. But my Mom told me that he said "Why come home to even steak - if I can look for Filet Mignon" (not an exact quote, but that was the idea) - and I find myself at EXACTLY the same point. Part of that point is that my Dad STILL (at 80 years old) badly WANTS what I'm seeking. Part of the point is that my Mom verified that her *90*-year-old 3rd husband (she outlived the 2nd one) - still wants it!! So I'm NOT going to "just get over it".
And part of "the point" is that my Dad split from my Mom and found gobs of desperate divorcee's who were just sexy as hell - until he married one. Once she "had him" she put on 100 pounds, turn sex off *completely* (my Dad hasn't had sex with ANYBODY for over 30 years now). (OK. Yeah. I just got an "ugh" myself from thinking about that statement, but isn't it great that I *do* have a communications line open with my Dad where we can share that - when we need to). And she turned into a miserable bitch whose only happiness in life was to make other people miserable. He is finally free of her - at 80 years old - because she had a heart attack. It didn't kill her, but it shook her up enough to let my Dad go without raping him in a divorce.... which would have been the *only* way she would have had "sex" (sorry... attempt at humor). So all of that is a way to say:
1) I am confident that I'll never "get over it"
2) I fear that even if I screw up my life and my wife's - to split up - that I still won't find the playmates I'm looking for.
So. Those who have divorced. Did it work? Would you do it again? I *know* that there are women out there who do *love* the same kinds of things I love: I've met them. But I don't know if any are still "available" - and if they'd want *me*. If I found *the one*, I'd be happy to marry again, but...
What do you all think?
And, by the way, perhaps the original Melbourne, FL couple should talk to me. I've met many women who were in a mid-life crisis and just wanted *someone* to show them that they were still desirable. Could it work for me to just be her "boy toy"? Yes. I AM serious.
What in the world is this thread doing in the "Travel News" section? (smile)
The thing which is both great - and terrible - about our situation - is that we're past "blaming" each other. We just sadly realize that I will ALWAYS want this. And she will NEVER want it. I've gotten an opportunity recently to talk with my parents who are now 80. My Dad divorced my Mom 35 years ago - after 19 years of marriage - over EXACTLY the same thing. He didn't even *remember* why he left. But my Mom told me that he said "Why come home to even steak - if I can look for Filet Mignon" (not an exact quote, but that was the idea) - and I find myself at EXACTLY the same point. Part of that point is that my Dad STILL (at 80 years old) badly WANTS what I'm seeking. Part of the point is that my Mom verified that her *90*-year-old 3rd husband (she outlived the 2nd one) - still wants it!! So I'm NOT going to "just get over it".
And part of "the point" is that my Dad split from my Mom and found gobs of desperate divorcee's who were just sexy as hell - until he married one. Once she "had him" she put on 100 pounds, turn sex off *completely* (my Dad hasn't had sex with ANYBODY for over 30 years now). (OK. Yeah. I just got an "ugh" myself from thinking about that statement, but isn't it great that I *do* have a communications line open with my Dad where we can share that - when we need to). And she turned into a miserable bitch whose only happiness in life was to make other people miserable. He is finally free of her - at 80 years old - because she had a heart attack. It didn't kill her, but it shook her up enough to let my Dad go without raping him in a divorce.... which would have been the *only* way she would have had "sex" (sorry... attempt at humor). So all of that is a way to say:
1) I am confident that I'll never "get over it"
2) I fear that even if I screw up my life and my wife's - to split up - that I still won't find the playmates I'm looking for.
So. Those who have divorced. Did it work? Would you do it again? I *know* that there are women out there who do *love* the same kinds of things I love: I've met them. But I don't know if any are still "available" - and if they'd want *me*. If I found *the one*, I'd be happy to marry again, but...
What do you all think?
And, by the way, perhaps the original Melbourne, FL couple should talk to me. I've met many women who were in a mid-life crisis and just wanted *someone* to show them that they were still desirable. Could it work for me to just be her "boy toy"? Yes. I AM serious.
<meta http-equiv="robots" content="noindex"><meta http-equiv="pragma" content="nocache">
Beard,
You have great points and I, for one, agree with you!
There needs to be a middle ground. You need to listen to the word "No". But it is a partnership, so your partner also needs to listen to the word "Yes".
Together there needs to be a discovery as to "Why"?
Partnerships *should* be like democracies, but I've found they're often not. In my personal life, that's not acceptable any longer. My partnerships will be as equal as possible - for all parties.
I do see people on here saying "NO" is NO and live with it. I wish it were that simple. People like me see the world in black and white, but even with that I know there's grey.
So, what to do?
1. Accept no.
2. Reject no.
a. Leave the marriage.
b. Reject all personal attachment to you're wife's and your feelings and do what you want.
3. Make a plea for common ground.
a. Find a solution that, perhaps, only an outside perspective can offer.
-K_T
Beard,
You have great points and I, for one, agree with you!
There needs to be a middle ground. You need to listen to the word "No". But it is a partnership, so your partner also needs to listen to the word "Yes".
Together there needs to be a discovery as to "Why"?
Partnerships *should* be like democracies, but I've found they're often not. In my personal life, that's not acceptable any longer. My partnerships will be as equal as possible - for all parties.
I do see people on here saying "NO" is NO and live with it. I wish it were that simple. People like me see the world in black and white, but even with that I know there's grey.
So, what to do?
1. Accept no.
2. Reject no.
a. Leave the marriage.
b. Reject all personal attachment to you're wife's and your feelings and do what you want.
3. Make a plea for common ground.
a. Find a solution that, perhaps, only an outside perspective can offer.
-K_T
When it comes to swinging NO means NO.
We do this because of what it does for each other. The sex is still great without it and many time the fantasy is much better than the reality.
If either one stopped enjoying it for whatever reason - We agree: for us the Game is Over!
That however doesn't mean we would apply that standard to anyone else.
We do this because of what it does for each other. The sex is still great without it and many time the fantasy is much better than the reality.
If either one stopped enjoying it for whatever reason - We agree: for us the Game is Over!
That however doesn't mean we would apply that standard to anyone else.
well, every cpl has there own comfort level. If every one involved is ok with what is happening then go for it. Just look at the lifestyle as is, most people would have a problem watching their spouse have sex with someone else while for us it is the norm. ( to each their own and not for us to interfear, we can only support so long as our morals, and ethics will allow, but never inter-fear with another cpls relations.)
Blane & Mindy
Blane & Mindy
I think if 2 people come together in marraige with honesty and love and completely open communication then swinging should be a secondary thing to the marraige itself shouldnt it?. This is a sore point between my friend and his wife. My fiancee and I have talked about this and we have decided to take some time off from from this "lifestyle" and just work on us and our relationship. BTW whats a good month to get married in? she's keen on february while I think June is better.
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Swinging is a recreational thing. It should never define your relationship. As in anything in life, you have to be fluid, dynamic and open-minded, all while realizing your limits and the limits of your partner. Swinging is not a neccessity. Before we all made it real, it was a fantasy. No one can convince me that fantasies must be a reality or we'll all die. If that were the case, then the only people on earth would be rich or those that care nothing for material things. Healthy swinging is something you can pick-up and lay down. If you <u>need</u> to swing, I think you are in it for the wrong reasons. I think "lifestyle" is a bad word. This is not a lifestyle. It's a sexual choice. We don't live to swing or swing to live. We swing because we are horny and want some strange. There is nothing mysterious about it. We are sexual creatures and swingers just do not allow religious (moral) restraint to interfere with their sex life. That's my opinion.
<br>
<br>
-Don-</p></div>
Swinging is a recreational thing. It should never define your relationship. As in anything in life, you have to be fluid, dynamic and open-minded, all while realizing your limits and the limits of your partner. Swinging is not a neccessity. Before we all made it real, it was a fantasy. No one can convince me that fantasies must be a reality or we'll all die. If that were the case, then the only people on earth would be rich or those that care nothing for material things. Healthy swinging is something you can pick-up and lay down. If you <u>need</u> to swing, I think you are in it for the wrong reasons. I think "lifestyle" is a bad word. This is not a lifestyle. It's a sexual choice. We don't live to swing or swing to live. We swing because we are horny and want some strange. There is nothing mysterious about it. We are sexual creatures and swingers just do not allow religious (moral) restraint to interfere with their sex life. That's my opinion.
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-Don-</p></div>
There have been a lot of valid and reasonable points made. My fiancee and I are swingers, and we enjoy seeing each other with the same sex, as well as, the opposite sex. We have sat down and discussed it at great lengths. Like Tequila stated, it is recreational, it does not define our relationship. We like to meet as a couple, and we play as a couple, never separately. That is us, and how we swing.
I agree that they must sit down and discuss it. Not sure about the counseling. I think they work it out between themselves.
I wish them the best!
Ron
I agree that they must sit down and discuss it. Not sure about the counseling. I think they work it out between themselves.
I wish them the best!
Ron
BEARD your full of it
i bet she does not know what your up to
kristylynn
i bet she does not know what your up to
kristylynn
Kristi: You're correct that my profile isn't accurate. It *was*, but I haven't been active in swinging for about a year now as my wife and I try to work thru what we're going to do. The current situation is that we're trying to decide whether we can come up with an agreement and continue our marriage - or split and pursue our own versions of happiness - separately.
Meanwhile, I always have to smile that those who *have* the situation I want - always are so nasty to those who don't. Just because *you* are bi-sexual and enjoy being naughty - doesn't mean that it is easy to find a partner who is - or even one who *still* is - as opposed to someone who *did* enjoy sex - while they were trapping a mate and getting their babies, then completely shut down and still expect their partner to do whatever *they* want - sexually - without question.
You who are happily in the Lifestyle seem to be VERY nasty to those who haven't managed to wind up with a partner who is perfectly matched. Go back and ask yourself how you'd feel if your partner insisted on "traditional fidelity" - for the rest of your life. No more sexual contact with *anybody* but your husband - forever. And ask yourself how many marriages you've been in. I've had *one* - with the first woman I ever dated - for over 25 years.
Meanwhile, I always have to smile that those who *have* the situation I want - always are so nasty to those who don't. Just because *you* are bi-sexual and enjoy being naughty - doesn't mean that it is easy to find a partner who is - or even one who *still* is - as opposed to someone who *did* enjoy sex - while they were trapping a mate and getting their babies, then completely shut down and still expect their partner to do whatever *they* want - sexually - without question.
You who are happily in the Lifestyle seem to be VERY nasty to those who haven't managed to wind up with a partner who is perfectly matched. Go back and ask yourself how you'd feel if your partner insisted on "traditional fidelity" - for the rest of your life. No more sexual contact with *anybody* but your husband - forever. And ask yourself how many marriages you've been in. I've had *one* - with the first woman I ever dated - for over 25 years.
Beard....
Having been married, then single and participated in the lifestyle in each situation, I can speak only from my own experience.
I've also been in your shoes, where I had to choose between the lifestyle and my relationship. It was, hands down, a no brainer. The "no" wins because the relationship is far more important than the lifestyle. Fun is fun and relationship is relationship - It's really as simple as that. That said - nobody likes being dictated to and nobody likes when a partner doesn't put their needs first.
So what do you do? Be honest, open and hope for the best.
Good luck.
Te
Having been married, then single and participated in the lifestyle in each situation, I can speak only from my own experience.
I've also been in your shoes, where I had to choose between the lifestyle and my relationship. It was, hands down, a no brainer. The "no" wins because the relationship is far more important than the lifestyle. Fun is fun and relationship is relationship - It's really as simple as that. That said - nobody likes being dictated to and nobody likes when a partner doesn't put their needs first.
So what do you do? Be honest, open and hope for the best.
Good luck.
Te
Well, my wife and I have talked about this before in the past and we have been asked by other what if one of us said no? That is easy for us because we do truly love each other and are VERY much IN LOVE with each other that we would call it quits also. See that's where it is hard in the this lifestyle to find other cpls that are really into the lifestyle just to add spice in their life, but it seems that there are a lot of cpls that are in the life style because they are missing something in their relationship or something. I feel that I am so much in love with my wife and that we still after 12 years get butterflies in my stomach when I come home and know that she is there waiting for me. We still have excellent sex, as of a matter of fact we both have still not been able to have any other person do to us what we can do to each other, I guess that is because of the love factor, it is more than just sex to us when we are together but with others is just fun sex to spice things up a bit.
Hope it works out for your friends.
Hope it works out for your friends.
Well, my wife and I have talked about this before in the past and we have been asked by other what if one of us said no? That is easy for us because we do truly love each other and are VERY much IN LOVE with each other that we would call it quits also. See that's where it is hard in the this lifestyle to find other cpls that are really into the lifestyle just to add spice in their life, but it seems that there are a lot of cpls that are in the life style because they are missing something in their relationship or something. I feel that I am so much in love with my wife and that we still after 12 years get butterflies in my stomach when I come home and know that she is there waiting for me. We still have excellent sex, as of a matter of fact we both have still not been able to have any other person do to us what we can do to each other, I guess that is because of the love factor, it is more than just sex to us when we are together but with others is just fun sex to spice things up a bit.
Hope it works out for your friends.
Hope it works out for your friends.
I am almost ashamed to admit to being of the same gender as Beard. Men who truely love their wives will always put their own desires beneath hers. Buddy, you are married, and that means that you have pledged to give your love, integrity, honesty, presence, and fidelity to your wife. Fidelity means that you do nothing that will harm the marriage, no matter what the sacrifice to your own desires, wants and needs.
I also question your honesty in the lifestyle. Part of honesty in swinging is being honest as to why you want to be a part. Mine is friends, fun and sharing with my friends anyway and anyhow we determine to share. Your stated reason to be in the lifestyle is to find someone to help you get your rocks off (sorry for the bluntness to others). I think you should really examine who you are, what you want, and how committed you are to your marriage.
I also question your honesty in the lifestyle. Part of honesty in swinging is being honest as to why you want to be a part. Mine is friends, fun and sharing with my friends anyway and anyhow we determine to share. Your stated reason to be in the lifestyle is to find someone to help you get your rocks off (sorry for the bluntness to others). I think you should really examine who you are, what you want, and how committed you are to your marriage.
I love your comments on this one TEQUILAROSE. Couldn't have put it better if I had tried. Both need to be in it completely together, or not at all. This 'lifestyle' shouldn't never come first - and you are right, 'lifestyle' is not the best word for it....not sure what is either. LOL
Glad to see this thread revived. I had lost track of it.
Clearly it generates some intense emotional responses.
I'm struck by the remarks that "a marriage is more important than ANYTHING else".
If so, then what, exactly, is "a marriage"?
For me, the point of marriage is to share one's life experiences with someone who enjoys sharing many of the same things. Marriage which is defined by "who you fuck" - seems quite shallow and pointless to me. So for those of you who totally reject sex as "another hobby" - what *is* your reason for living, your reason for being married. Just what DO you share which is so wonderful and important? Is it over a quarter-century of shared little things? I've got that. Is it producing and raising a family and watching them become independent? I've got that. Is it travelling the world together and sampling new foods and experiences and cultures? I've got that. Is it feeling a connection with someone where you just enjoy sitting on the couch naked together watching TV? I've got that.
So. If my wife and I disagree on wanting "erotic" sex - as opposed to "romantic sex" - then you're saying that either we should throw away everything else by breaking up the marriage, or I should just suck it up and do without? Why is "no" stronger than "yes"? Why isn't a marriage a process of satisfying *both*? If you don't share *every* interest, do you give up everything but what you share? Remember that the original post was from a *wife* who wanted the excitement while the husband didn't. You're saying that *she* should also just "suck it up" and do without - forever? Why isn't it just as valid that *he* should just suck it up and either play with her - or let her play alone?
The hypocrisy here is amazing. A bunch of people who purport to enjoy recreational, erotic sex - so ready to say that they would absolutely give it up forever - if their partner didn't *happen* to enjoy it with them. Really? Shouldn't marriage be more about celebrating your partner's joy - than about selfishly trying to confine their interests to those you share?
Clearly it generates some intense emotional responses.
I'm struck by the remarks that "a marriage is more important than ANYTHING else".
If so, then what, exactly, is "a marriage"?
For me, the point of marriage is to share one's life experiences with someone who enjoys sharing many of the same things. Marriage which is defined by "who you fuck" - seems quite shallow and pointless to me. So for those of you who totally reject sex as "another hobby" - what *is* your reason for living, your reason for being married. Just what DO you share which is so wonderful and important? Is it over a quarter-century of shared little things? I've got that. Is it producing and raising a family and watching them become independent? I've got that. Is it travelling the world together and sampling new foods and experiences and cultures? I've got that. Is it feeling a connection with someone where you just enjoy sitting on the couch naked together watching TV? I've got that.
So. If my wife and I disagree on wanting "erotic" sex - as opposed to "romantic sex" - then you're saying that either we should throw away everything else by breaking up the marriage, or I should just suck it up and do without? Why is "no" stronger than "yes"? Why isn't a marriage a process of satisfying *both*? If you don't share *every* interest, do you give up everything but what you share? Remember that the original post was from a *wife* who wanted the excitement while the husband didn't. You're saying that *she* should also just "suck it up" and do without - forever? Why isn't it just as valid that *he* should just suck it up and either play with her - or let her play alone?
The hypocrisy here is amazing. A bunch of people who purport to enjoy recreational, erotic sex - so ready to say that they would absolutely give it up forever - if their partner didn't *happen* to enjoy it with them. Really? Shouldn't marriage be more about celebrating your partner's joy - than about selfishly trying to confine their interests to those you share?
Personally, I feel that counseling is a good idea. Swinging is a LIFESTYLE. there are a lot of questions that need to be answered. Why does he want to stop? Why does she want to continue? I don't think this is a black and white situation. Will she be willing to stop to make him happy and be happy with her decision? Will he be able to have here swing by herself and be happy with his decision?
Follow and I are pretty non-monogamous by nature, so I doubt this issue will come up, but if it did, him and I would talk about it. At length. We'd decide on a solution that would make both of us happy.
-Fender
-Fender