Swingers on Swingular - Swingers Forum

I have a friend who is a newly wed, (last month in fact). Last night her new husband, who is 7 years her junior, told me that he will not "go down on her" and in fact even the hands don't go below the waist. I gasped in horror, seriously gasped and clutched my chest!!
I told him what I believed about giving and receiving because of course he loves to receive oral, he says its sounds gross and has never even tried it, and never will. All I could do is give her a big hug and told her how truly sorry I felt for her. (The women had been drinking BTW!!)
When I have come across this mentality for myself, and I have fixed the problem by telling him "I give head to get head, if you wont I wont" it worked for me, but he claimed he didn't care, nothing could convince him to try it.
Any suggestions for my poor friend?, I suggested getting a boy toy, HAHA!!, but she is not ready to "go there" and I can't blame her for that, shes only been married a month.
How selfish is this? UGH I would shrivel up and die without my oral.
Any thoughts??

~K~

This probley sounds mean and cruel maybe even inhuman, get the guy drunk tie him down onto the bed and sit on his face.......Or like you said no give no get!

Just a thought

~A~

All I can say is poor misguided man.

Oh YE GODS!!!

She married a closet!!! (That was a bad joke...sorry)

Seriously, it's time for them to have a serious talk. But I really like the idea of tying him down...heheheheh.

-K_T

Before casting too many stones here... I think there is the need for more info. What kind of religious upbriinging did he have. How "clean" or moral was their dating prior to marriage. What kind of enviroment where they raised in? I suffered a similar fate, having been raised strictly by the teachings of the faith I attended. Was a virgin as was my wife when we married and neither of us had any knowledge of what to expect. We knew only three things... we were supposed to get naked, part a was inserted into part b, introduce friction and wait. It took a few years before either of us dared attempt oral on each other. NOW... skies the limit... get out the shopvac honey!

My point is there is something your friend has either been told, a fear of the unknown, or something in his mind he isnt sharing that has him or them holding back. (I know of several people who have been afraid of oral because of being lead to believe its unsanitary and can cause all kinds of illness).

I suggest they need time, lots of open communication and a good porno to give them some insight.

Thank Goodness for lifestyles... (thats how we broke the oral barrier).

HYM.

My first thought was this guy was raised in an LDS home and had the usual brainwashing "Oral sex is bad. It is a sin" bs ingrained in him since birth. (no offense to those in the faith- I am a former mo so I know the drill on oral being evil)

I dated a guy in high school who would let me go down on him, but he would not go down on me. Nor could we have sex. About all we could do was tit play and oral for him. So yeah, that didn't last long.

Did she know this about her hubby before the wedding day? Or did they wait and now this is all a big surprise to her?

They need to talk about it. Find out why he won't. Is he just uncomfortable? Not sure what to do so doing nothing may be better then coming off as a bumbling fool? I'd suggest a good therapist to them.

Then on the flipside, just to stir the pot-- what about men who will go down and women who won't? Or women who rarely do?

Ali

Oral Sex is an odd thing for some, so correct you are...we should not cast stones. Best thing is to explore, be patient and communicate the desire - work towards a goal.

-K_T

A little Nutella goes a long way.

The question is... what does she think about all this. Does she mind him not reciprocating? If she doesn't have a problem with him not going down on her and she is happy to give him a blow job, who are we to say anything. If it aint broke don't fix it.

Personally though, I love giving and receiving. but I can't say for sure weather or not I would stop giving head to the man I love if he didn't want to give me head. I do it because I love it. I do think that he should be willing to at least try it.

I agree...

Also, it is true that upbringing can REALLY screw things up... (oddly most of them religious.)

Take example from this link:
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0504/oralsex.html

Good god, that one made me snerk.

It is hard to believe that someone could belived that crap on the site the folks above shared with us. I could almost not finish reading from laughing too hard. IT sounds far fetched for someone in the 14th century let alone this one.

I do have a simular problem, not by choice. My tongue cannot go 1/2" further from my lips. Thank god everything else can compesate for that

The only question i have is ,if they have only been married for a month why is the husband talking to you about their sex life?in your original post it appears the mrs.is talking.sounds like it should have been your friend that would bring it up.
Phil

Highway,
No actually he did. I made a joke, on a different subject, about how all men need to eat the coochie, and he went off! told me all of it, I barely know him, I was a little taken back by it myself.
No they are not religious, and yes they have been sexually active for a couple of years now. Just one of those couples, if you know what I mean!

but if she refused to do it evar well then I'm gonna have to find me a new girl. I could understand if she said no way to anal sex but sucking a dick??? Come on now.

*****

Seriously?

Would you even ask her why first or just move on? Not trying to be snarky, just asking.

Ali

"I mean really it's just a blow job. "

To you maybe..

Allow me to play devil's advocate for a minute if you will..

Imagine a woman who from ages 5 - 7 years of age was forced to give oral to her mother's live in boyfriend. She had no way to protect herself, mom was oblivious to all that was going on and she was powerless to stop what the boyfriend was doing to her.

As a woman, every time she tries to go down on her partner, images of what happened as a child come rushing back and she cannot continue. She gets physically ill when she tries.

Is that reason enough for a woman to not want to blow you? Or would you still walk?

No, not all women have this kind of a reason for not wanting to give a blow job. But some do.

Some women have had very bad experiences with men who are too rough. It's one thing if both partners like it that way, it's another story if one does not enjoy having a man ram their cock into their throat or force their heads down and hold them there.

It can create issues of trust.

Any type of sexual intimacy requires some degree of trust. Trust is not built overnight. It takes time. As you build a relationship the trust grows as does the level of intimacy.

So again, while to you it's "just a blow job" for her it may be much more.

Ali

I have to agree with ULUV, its just a blow job! Yes there are circumstances that would be exceptions, but if you wont give a man blow jobs, he will go find someone else who will. You have to be sexually compatible also to stay together, I don't care who you are.
Would be a very boring sex life don't ya think?

If a couple is happy doing or not doing something why should we pass judgement. It's a preference for whatever reason.. I say it's either "Live and let live" and or " To eatch their own" .

along the line of religon and giving or receiving oral sex. if you are religous and they say that the bible is the word of god. show me in the bible where god says the oral is a sin it doesn't sex is between that man and women and what they do to eash other a can still feel close to god is not a sin if what you do in the bed room makes you feel dirty or you feel it is a sin then it maybe thats just my two sense

wildcraze, omg! I just read that link, is it for real???!!! Maybe it's the demons on his tounge that make me scream, moan and gush the sheets?

on a serious note, I don't think everyone has to be into the same sexual things to find personal sexual satifaction. Only oral I'd had performed on me, till I was married, was at a young age with an older man and it left me feeling dirty. then my bi-curious days hit me, and I went for years thinking, well if I cant see myself going down on a woman, i can't imagine he'd like it either. Adulthood and a perfect partner came into my life and changed it all and i'm so glad it did. New horizons were opened up to me and I can't imagine going back, but if I take a peak back at my sexual career, pre oral, I was still having a lot of fun, so Im not gonna knock em.
Your friend married him, after 2 years of sexploration, means she loves him for more than his tongue. Was she complaining about not getting it orally? Maybe she loves to give head and doesn't want his head between her thighs either. Actually, with his attitude towards it, she probably can't imagine oral sex to be all that and wouldn't let him explore even if he changed his mind. (poor girl) odds are she'll still live a happy fullflled life with the man she chose to marry.
we'll just keep our demon tongues to ourselves, well I mean we'll all share demons

MrsCurious

Don't be dense, please.

I asked what you would do in THAT situation. Would it still be a dealbreaker or would you stay with the woman? It's rather a simple question.

You stated that any woman who would not blow you would be sent packing. I asked if there were circumstances, possibly like the ones I listed that would make you rethink your view.

As for women who were sexually assaulted, 4 out of 5 women are the victim of sexual abuse or assault. So the odds of finding a woman who had issues with her sexuality due to past experiences is not minimal.

I know quite a few women who have a history of abuse and also have issues with certain acts triggering memories and unwanted negative experiences.

Don't minimize the effects of abuse or rape on a woman.

I love how you skirted the question rather than answer it. If you don't want to answer, just say so.

Is it just a blow job (and the assumed importance of it) or is it about respecting and loving the partner you are with? Which comes first? Your need to be blown or a woman's right to say what she will or won't do with her body, at any given time, no matter the reason?

Ali

Ali,

I had a wife (sometime ago) that was raped by a family member when she was young, now mind you we are no longer together but not for those reasons.....I can not sit here and tell you the pain she went thought when we had sex, but I can tell you she suffered horriably every time for a couple months till the trust was built up. She tried to explain it in detail and I had to stop her from doing so as I could not even stand hearing it.....We married at a pretty young age and I dont know why or what went wrong but at the end she walked away with no word, and I can only think it was due to this family memeber who raped her. She was my life and I offten wonder what happend to her. But like all things life stands still for noone and it took 7 years for a devorse to be done with.

I would not like to go though another marrige like that as I can safely say if the person who had the wrong undoing done too, it would take alot for the other person to get that trust level built up!!!! One last thing, I never did get a "blowjob" and I never asked for one. Sex was short and mostly filled with tears on her part. Trust me it sucked! But she was my wife and I did at that time love her!

I hope this answers you question?

Dave

Dave,

Thanks for sharing something so personal.

There are women who have had horrific experiences but do get help through therapy or other resources. Often they are able to have a healthy, loving relationship.

Trust, as you said, is a major factor. You cannot build it overnight. It takes time and seeing through actions that your partner is not going to hurt you.

Demanding that your partner do XYZ to keep you happy and satisfied is not a way to build up trust. Feeling that you are entitled to have XYZ will only add to the lack of trust. Nobody is ever owed anything when it comes to sex. Intimacy in a relationship is a gift. Never a right. In any relationship, swinging included, nobody is entitled to or owed a damn thing. Every person has the right to say yes or no at any time.

If someone cannot respect me, my boundaries, my comfort zones then they are not going to get anywhere near me.

One's body is the only thing that you truly have ownership over. We do all we can to nourish it, protect it, preserve it. Few would want to turn their body over to someone who little regard for them physically, mentally or emotionally.

I know, I sound like a total obnoxious prude. Far from it. If I trust you enough to be intimate with you, you are in for a hell of a ride. Just ask my hubby. Twenty three years later and I can still rock his world like no other. And he mine. And it's all because of trust.

There's an old saying "Don't cast your pearls before swine." I think it fits in many areas, this one included. If someone is piggish enough to not care anout your comfort level in regards to sex, they aren't worth the energy it takes to get undressed for.

All that said, if a couple is having issues with sex, they need to find someone qualified to help them with it. Both have to be willing to go. It's not just the problem of one person it's both as it is a partnership.

I'd certainly be open to exploring all options to get the therapy/counseling whatever to heal the issues. I'd do all I could before I simply walked because my partner refused to go down on me.

While it may feel good, I don't think anyone has ever died from not having oral sex.

Ali

I suppose I will get severly chastised for this statement along with the ridicule, but, I had heard this many years ago, and believe this as a general rule.

Why do men marry women hoping they will never change, and they always do?
And why do women women marry men hoping to change them, and they never do?

I think this is sad this woman entered into a marriage knowing what he was like before marriage. This was just a general statement, however, I see it in so many young marriages. I hope the best for this couple. I hope he changes. But, when it comes to statistics , well, ....... it doesn't look good.

I agree with one of the earlier posts. Strap his ass to the bed, and jump on his face. Did I say that?

How did this get all turned arround? Did you all forget HE refused to go down on HER!!! Now your all chatting about Her not blowing him.

All we can say is "WOW"! I don't know how any woman could go without oral, and I agree with the original post, maybe she needs a "boytoy" to perform oral on her.

Me, the male, is an oral fanatic, and usually will not have sex without oral pleasure for the woman. I totally love the clitoris, stimulating it, watching it expand in excitement, and the only time I won't go down is that monthly visitor time.

Other than that, give me that pussy!!!

You know what, I posted this thread thinking we could all talk about how good we have it because we are in healthy sexual relationships, not why its selfish to want oral (come on give me a break, like being swingers isn't already selfish.).
You people (and you know who you are) are whacked! its just a discussion on how bad it would suck to be this girl, not how holier than thou the fucking majority of the people in this site are, but once again you all proved that it doesn't matter what anyone says, you are all anti-fun.
Thanks for ruining another fun thread. PLEASE do us all a favor, and pull the sticks from your asses. Enjoy your miserable fucking lives, cause I'm happy giving and receiving oral sex.
Now I'm off to enjoy head, jealous much?

Classy, Thank you

Tis a beautiful ending to a thread run amuck.

Have a co worker that does the same thing.. turns out, when younger, he got a hold of a stinky one! And was thinking thats just the way they were.

I took a different approach.. told him about the power of making a woman, quiver, moan, beg for him, want him even more, and how this will totally blow his mind, when he can realize the power and pleasure he holds over her in this intimate moment.. Then when she returns the favor, it will be will zealous, and soooo much more exciting... and when she will kiss him, and taste herself on him... it's very very erotic....

sometimes, just knowing that he's in complete control, will give him the willingness to go down town

My last wife was a very sexy and beautiful woman. When I met her she was a professional bellydancer and watching her dance always made our lovemaking fantastic. After 7 years of marriage my wife suddenly became a Born Again Christian. The Bellydance costumes that I love so much were thrown out. Our lovemaking was becoming less of a joy. Month after month our lovemaking dwindled. One weekend she went on a Women's Religous Retreat and came home to inform that she was told that all forms of oral sex was considered Sodomy in the eyes of God and we could no longer have oral sex. That was the straw that broke the Camel's back, I went to the attorney and filed for Divorce.

I,m wondering if he knew just how good it is and more imporntatnly what it will do for her. If is does not work out she can always cum her here for a good licking!

WOW, helpfire, that is some story, and it sounds like you did what you had to do. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and if it changes for the worse, and there is nothing you can do to improve it, you sometimes have to go this route, I know I did.

Speaking only for myself, of course, I am a very sexually being, and love giving oral pleasure to my woman, it could be the only thing we do that evening, and I would be satisfied. But, like Tequila said basically, to each his or her own.

Ron

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