Swingers Forum - Just Jokes

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."


You may want to give this next one to the dog to bury

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped!"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this!"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was sign ed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless!"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm fucked, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:


I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.

Lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now that she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

oh no frosty!

sucked off

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

OK one more for today.

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes
to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture.
Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.

Again,the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.

Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow
down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"

A Touching Elephant Story for my dearest friends.

In 1986, Mikele Mobembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Mobembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found
a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as
gently as he could, Mobembe worked the wood out with his hunting
knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mobembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled but
eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mobembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mobemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mobembe and his son
Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mobembe, lifted
its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did
that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mobembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mobembe summoned up his courage, climbed
over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right
up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Mobembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in
a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a
little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the
top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"


Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far way........"We're down
here!"

A man decides he wants a blow up doll. So he heads to the Adult book store. When he gets there he tells the clerk that he wants a blow up doll.
The clerk ask him if he wants a male or female doll. The man responds "female".
Black or white the clerk asks. The man thinks and answers "white".
The clerk than ask if he wants a Christian or Muslim doll. The man, very puzzled, ask what does religion have to do with blow up dolls. The clerk responds that The Muslim dolls blow themselves up.

Donny George and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, the John Cross Tavern in Beaufort, SC, drinking beer.
Donny George turned to Jim Bob and said, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the USC Branch here, and sign up for some classes."

Jim Bob tells Donny George he thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Donny George goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

Donny George says, "Logic? What, exactly, is that?"
The dean says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?'
Donny George says, "Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," said the Dean, "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes; I do have a house."
"And, because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And, because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual! That is absolutely amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Donny George shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the John Cross Tavern.

Donny George tells Jim Bob about his classes; how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?", Jim Bob asks, "What's that?"
Donny George says, "I'll show you how this 'logic' works. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No." says Jim Bob.
"Then you're a queer."