So my wife and I have been in the lifestyle for a while and very comfortable with each other madly in love and have a hot sex life with doing stuff maybe once a month. Our best friends are very attractive and one night the girls got it on which stimulated conversation about where this goes. We played off that we are not experts in this. The other couples male have, seems to have an issue with me doing anything with his wife, yet when we have played together he has fingered my wife and put his cock in her mouth. When I have tried to reciprocate he immediately freaks out.
I told him that this whole thing is based on communication, respect, living out fantasies while keeping your partner first. That they need to establish rules and our rules are no communication behind the other persons back, and to have clearly defined rules. He reached out to my wife saying how much she wanted to fuck her.
I’m so bummed out because this is one of my good friends yet he continues to push the limits as if it’s OK to mess with my wife but me not his.
It’s really bummed me out and I’m not returning his phone calls right now.
I need advice I’ve never had this happen where we swing with friends. I told them that if we were doing this in the lifestyle we would be done because it would be too much drama
Please give me good advice community
I told him that this whole thing is based on communication, respect, living out fantasies while keeping your partner first. That they need to establish rules and our rules are no communication behind the other persons back, and to have clearly defined rules. He reached out to my wife saying how much she wanted to fuck her.
I’m so bummed out because this is one of my good friends yet he continues to push the limits as if it’s OK to mess with my wife but me not his.
It’s really bummed me out and I’m not returning his phone calls right now.
I need advice I’ve never had this happen where we swing with friends. I told them that if we were doing this in the lifestyle we would be done because it would be too much drama
Please give me good advice community
Time to walk away from having a naked experience with this couple. If you don't think you can salvage the vanilla relationship...walk away. I don't think its worth trying to change anyone's mind and as you know swinging is about sharing within everyone's consent and no drama. If others cannot abide by the boundaries of everyone, walk away.
How does the saying go? Make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends.
Walk away, if he not going to respect your boundaries then the relationship isn’t meant to be. It also depends obviously of the thoughts of both women involved. Is his wife not into you and he’s the one having to express that for her? There are many variables to be considered I’m happy to chat if you want to message me.
First, always set boundaries before playing. We always say lowest common denominator. If his lowest is not to touch his wife then it’s a mutual boundary. Second, your wife should be reinforcing boundaries. If there is no contact to be made she should politely remind him of such. This way it’s not you. We personally have a philosophy of the best answer to those text is no answer, it speaks louder. Lastly, if you want to salvage the friendship we would suggest sitting down with all four of you at dinner. Express you are concerned it may jeopardize your friendship and it’s not worth it to you guys.
Sorry to say it .. but you have a creepy friend.
I’d drop that connection like a hot potato. !
I’d drop that connection like a hot potato. !
From a different perspective... it sounds like the other couples rules are the wife can play with another woman and he can do whatever he likes. but another male is not allowed to touch his wife. Perhaps you should respect those boundaries or find another couple to play with. Every couple has their own rules and boundaries and they don't always make sense to us, but it works for them.
Perhaps we see this as we know a couple that anything goes with one exception. You couldn't stick your dick in her and that was actually her rule and not his.
To me you actually sound like a child upset that you shared your favorite toy with him but he won't share his with you. Either except the rules as laid down or move along. The foundation of the lifestyle is concent and you're whining because you were denied.
Perhaps we see this as we know a couple that anything goes with one exception. You couldn't stick your dick in her and that was actually her rule and not his.
To me you actually sound like a child upset that you shared your favorite toy with him but he won't share his with you. Either except the rules as laid down or move along. The foundation of the lifestyle is concent and you're whining because you were denied.
We tried to turn a female friend into a playmate a few years ago, turned out to be an utter fucking disaster,can't turn friends into playmates.
I'm somewhere between FunKinkyDuo and MoreFun4U, and there's always at least two sides to every story.
Our limited experiences so far have been mostly fun and we've found that communication is paramount to success in these adventures. Once things got sexy with the wives (it sounds like it was spontaneous), it seems like that might have been the time to really turn up communication and be clear in your boundaries (it sounds like you did this). If boundaries have already been crossed than I'm of the opinion you and your wife need to have an honest conversation and ensure you're reacting as a unified front.
To MoreFun's point, people are unique. Couples have their own rules and boundaries, and soft swap vs full swap is kind of a black and white picture of all the shades that might exist between of what different people may have. If both teams here don't have an agreement on the rules and regulations, then it may be best to not even begin to play - or in this case, get everyone off the field now.
So, to me, it comes back to clear, early communication and where there is a lack of respect, shit needs to get shut down immediately. I hope your friendship survives, because it can be hard to make meaningful friendships - but if your buddy isn't being respectful, it's possible he was never a good friend to begin with.
Good luck.
Our limited experiences so far have been mostly fun and we've found that communication is paramount to success in these adventures. Once things got sexy with the wives (it sounds like it was spontaneous), it seems like that might have been the time to really turn up communication and be clear in your boundaries (it sounds like you did this). If boundaries have already been crossed than I'm of the opinion you and your wife need to have an honest conversation and ensure you're reacting as a unified front.
To MoreFun's point, people are unique. Couples have their own rules and boundaries, and soft swap vs full swap is kind of a black and white picture of all the shades that might exist between of what different people may have. If both teams here don't have an agreement on the rules and regulations, then it may be best to not even begin to play - or in this case, get everyone off the field now.
So, to me, it comes back to clear, early communication and where there is a lack of respect, shit needs to get shut down immediately. I hope your friendship survives, because it can be hard to make meaningful friendships - but if your buddy isn't being respectful, it's possible he was never a good friend to begin with.
Good luck.
1. The way that you played with them could be their rules. If you don't like their rules, do not play with them.
2. The other husband is reaching out to your wife. Question: Was he allowed to before you played? If so, he might not see it as a big deal now.
3. If you truly want to salvage your friendship, then you and your wife have to be a united front with conditions you both agree on regarding them. Then you BOTH meet the other couple for a specified NO-play meeting. I recommend that your wife do the majority of the talking. She has to tell them that you ALL play or there is NO play. If the other husband doesn't like this, then stop playing with them. It's not right to coerse him to your style of play.
Also tell them that the dynamics of your relationship with them will change because you have played. Therefore, since you are not comfortable with him reaching out to your wife, he has to stop immediately or the friendship ends. He has to respect your rules.
4. If he defies your rules, drop them or your marriage could be negatively affected.
5. You have unwittingly introduced them to the lifestyle. So they are now newbies and will evolve at their own pace. We all know that newbies make a lot of mistakes along the way. You are the experienced couple. Use your wisdom to mentor them so that they don't fuck it up with you or any other couples.
2. The other husband is reaching out to your wife. Question: Was he allowed to before you played? If so, he might not see it as a big deal now.
3. If you truly want to salvage your friendship, then you and your wife have to be a united front with conditions you both agree on regarding them. Then you BOTH meet the other couple for a specified NO-play meeting. I recommend that your wife do the majority of the talking. She has to tell them that you ALL play or there is NO play. If the other husband doesn't like this, then stop playing with them. It's not right to coerse him to your style of play.
Also tell them that the dynamics of your relationship with them will change because you have played. Therefore, since you are not comfortable with him reaching out to your wife, he has to stop immediately or the friendship ends. He has to respect your rules.
4. If he defies your rules, drop them or your marriage could be negatively affected.
5. You have unwittingly introduced them to the lifestyle. So they are now newbies and will evolve at their own pace. We all know that newbies make a lot of mistakes along the way. You are the experienced couple. Use your wisdom to mentor them so that they don't fuck it up with you or any other couples.
PARTYINLV wrote:
1. The way that you played with them could be their rules. If you don't like their rules, do not play with them.
2. The other husband is reaching out to your wife. Question: Was he allowed to before you played? If so, he might not see it as a big deal now.
3. If you truly want to salvage your friendship, then you and your wife have to be a united front with conditions you both agree on regarding them. Then you BOTH meet the other couple for a specified NO-play meeting. Tell them that you ALL play or there is NO play. Also tell them that the dynamics of your relationship with them will change because you have played. Therefore, since you are not comfortable with him reaching out to your wife, he has to stop immediately or the friendship ends. He has to respect your rules.
4. If he cannot accept or defies your rules, drop them or your marriage could be negatively affected.
That’s about perfect answer in our opinion. We have seen this very similar situation to some of our friends. And ultimately it ended up in an affair that almost destroyed a marriage.
Like stated above. You and your wife have to be on the exact same page. If he is messaging her and he should not be, SHE needs to tell him to stop. If there’s playing that is happening that shouldn’t be that needs to be discussed right at the moment. Set the boundaries and either follow them or get away.
Good luck. It should be pretty easy to confront.
Not sure exactly what your dynamics are. But our rule is simple. Either everybody plays, or nobody plays!!. Nobody gets to be left out or take one for the team.
Keep it as friends only moving forward then.
First off, I'd quit playing with them. Anything that makes the experience uncomfortable is not worth pursuing.
If the male is going behind your back then I'd put a stop to that immediately. A good friend won't do that to you.
There's lots of other people out there. You're not going to click with everyone but there's usually some that you will.
We're to a stage in our lives that it really doesn't matter who knows that we swing. We don't advertise it, but we don't shy away from it.
Our best friend knows about our lifestyle, but we've never played. Not their thing. Cool. But a good friend won't judge. That's why we're still friends.
If the male is going behind your back then I'd put a stop to that immediately. A good friend won't do that to you.
There's lots of other people out there. You're not going to click with everyone but there's usually some that you will.
We're to a stage in our lives that it really doesn't matter who knows that we swing. We don't advertise it, but we don't shy away from it.
Our best friend knows about our lifestyle, but we've never played. Not their thing. Cool. But a good friend won't judge. That's why we're still friends.
MoreFun4U wrote:
From a different perspective... it sounds like the other couples rules are the wife can play with another woman and he can do whatever he likes. but another male is not allowed to touch his wife. Perhaps you should respect those boundaries or find another couple to play with. Every couple has their own rules and boundaries and they don't always make sense to us, but it works for them.
Perhaps we see this as we know a couple that anything goes with one exception. You couldn't stick your dick in her and that was actually her rule and not his.
To me you actually sound like a child upset that you shared your favorite toy with him but he won't share his with you. Either except the rules as laid down or move along. The foundation of the lifestyle is concent and you're whining because you were denied.
Love this response! It's absolutely correct. We have had a few experiences where my husband played with the female half of the couple and I wasn't attracted to the male so I didn't touch him. That's just the way it goes. It's never an absolute that someone will hook up with you just because u hook up with their mate. There has to be attraction and concent. And NO ONE likes feeling pressured to do something they aren't into. Weather it be hooking up with someone or sharing your spouse with someone. Everyone gets to make their own rules. That's why it's a good idea to discuss all of your rules and boundaries before hand.
WEJOFirecouple wrote:
Walk away, if he not going to respect your boundaries then the relationship isn’t meant to be. It also depends obviously of the thoughts of both women involved. Is his wife not into you and he’s the one having to express that for her? There are many variables to be considered I’m happy to chat if you want to message me.
She has told me she is very into it, but he is the one putting n the brakes
I would agree with you but she told me she was into me and not having rules but told me it was him that is pumping the brakes
We have our rules and if they are not compatible with the other couple or vice versa, then that's it. The fact it's your friend is complicated but he's got to respect them or move on. That said we are very much a full swap couple and we'd be happy to hang out anytime. You can touch my wife all you want during play time (assuming she consents also of course).
drhunnybunny wrote:
I would agree with you but she told me she was into me and not having rules but told me it was him that is pumping the brakes
He's not pumping the brakes, but that's a cute spin on things to make you look good or feel good, I'm not exactly sure which.
Bottom line - They have rules. You're attempting to bypass or alter their rules. That is not your job or your place and attempting to do so is completely out of line and could be considered bullying by some.
They have a set of rules, it's time for you to respect their rules and relationship.
Idk what was the rule before u guys starting to play but I think is bullshit the he can touch your wife and u can’t do anything with his if u knew the from the start than u fuck up but if there weren’t any rules set I think is bullshit but my feeling is going to saying walk away walk way soon before is to late
So update to all. He and I had a really good chat about how I was feeling and him breaking the rules. It’s partially our fault for egging it on and him never been in this situation so being a newbie made some newbie mistakes. He admitted it’s his own insecurities about seeing his wife with another man but at the same time thinks it could be hot. We left it that we are all good as friends and we are but that we think it’s a bad idea to be their first couple to walk down this path bc they needs to know their rules and boundaries before we even consider a revisit.
Thanks for the update. Glad everything worked out for you guys, and that a friendship can remain.
This from Singular:
"MY WIFE WON'T SLEEP WITH YOUR HUSBAND, BUT I CAN SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE.
Why is this? Jealousy? Greed? Insecurity? Or is just the way she wants it? These are the questions this scenario will produce. Most couples will NOT go for this. Most adhere to the 'fair play all around' rule. If you get to do it to my wife, I get to do it to yours, and vice versa. Fair's fair. If you are doing this because you are too jealous to allow your mate to enjoy the same pleasures you want, it's just not fair, and will create hostility. If you are doing it because this is truly what he/she wants, then more power to you. Just realize that many couples will not allow this to happen, and it will be more difficult to find suitable partners."
"MY WIFE WON'T SLEEP WITH YOUR HUSBAND, BUT I CAN SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE.
Why is this? Jealousy? Greed? Insecurity? Or is just the way she wants it? These are the questions this scenario will produce. Most couples will NOT go for this. Most adhere to the 'fair play all around' rule. If you get to do it to my wife, I get to do it to yours, and vice versa. Fair's fair. If you are doing this because you are too jealous to allow your mate to enjoy the same pleasures you want, it's just not fair, and will create hostility. If you are doing it because this is truly what he/she wants, then more power to you. Just realize that many couples will not allow this to happen, and it will be more difficult to find suitable partners."
I'll spank his wife's ass every chance I get and then post this on my Facebook (change the names and faces of course).
