Swingers Forum - Adulter or Swinger?

Loving to dance at clubs and bars, Cyn and I frequently go out on weekends and are often met by a variety of friends. Over the years, we have accumulated a number of single females that enjoy dancing with us. One of these lovely gals enjoyed meeting attractive single men and would often end up spending the night with them. Not too long ago, somehow it was brought to her attention that Cyn and I were..... "swingers". She was furious with us and expressed her dissapproval in very clear terms. After she was through venting her feelings about how disguisting it was that we could possibley be involved in committing adultry, I took a moment to present to her a few select questions. First, she saw no wrong in spending an evening with another man in sex and carnal expressions of emotion? She responded that they were consenting adults and both single.. therefore committing no wrong to anyone. I asked if she felt it was wrong not to be monogamous with just one of these men rather than continually finding new friends to experience. Again, she responded she felt no wrong with what she was doing. Why then I asked, did she find fault with what Cyn and I were doing, as consenting adults and with full knowledge of what each was doing? She responded with the comment that "swinging" was just wrong and that as husband and wife we needed to be faithful to each other. So, I asked why it wasnt wrong for her to swing but it was for us. She retorted she WAS NOT a swinger. To that, I shared the following with her... according to every dictionary I can find, a swinger is defined as a person who engages in promiscuous sex, an adulter is a married person who has voluntary sex with another person to whom they are not lawfully married to. The realization of the fact that she was practicing swinging came as a shock. It took a few days to fully sink in, but when it finally did, she accepted us with open arms for what we are, (I guess adulters), and our friendship resumed.

One very important item here to consider, too often the request to bring another single individual into our bedroom is presented with the excuse that the partner doesnt like sex anymore. The solution to their problem is to cheat... or in their mind... go swinging. In our book, these people are not swingers by definition, but cheaters. Its wrong and unfair to try to use the cloak of swinging to justify being unfaithful. Lifestyles and swinging is not a remedy to solve trouble at home. Often when we decline the request to involve people in our sexual activities for the reason their spouse is not aware or doesnt approve, we hear the rebuttle.."why not? you are swingers arent you?". What ever name we give it, people need to remember... this lifestyle is all based on a few key components. Trust, respect, and the terms YES and NO. Period. Cant we keep the labels, the slander, and the lies out of what we can find to be a productive, social, and even in many cases educational activity between honest, consenting, respectable adults?

I would like to say that this is a very good forum post. A nice definition of terms and how they relate. BRAVO!
Regarding the unfaithful, I wonder about how extensive the research about an individual needs to be before engaging in any activity, indeed before a gun is in my face.

I'm often impressed with the comments by Xplorr. They often offer a depth that many in the lifestyle haven't yet experienced. I lived through the fifties with it's "Grease" psychology, the sixties "free love" hippy movement, seventies with all the attempts to formalize swapping, key parties and the like. Those years were with my first wife and were often spent on unsure ground both emotionally and psychologically. In the mid eighties I met my current wife. She introduced me to a love for experience that had no bounds. There was no psychology, sociology, or deep introspection. There was a clean clear approach to what life is and has to offer... as well as how to fearlessly enjoy it. It wasn't until much later, when the "lifestyle" became classified and organized, did we even realize we were swinging. We thought we were just living life to its fullest. On Jan. 1, 2004 Martha had an aneurysm that left her in a PVS state. Not only is she the most magnificent woman I have ever met, and I am devoted to her comfort and happiness, but more, I am eternally grateful that she invited me into a world that has no restrictions on love... no matter what it's labeled.

Well, I struggled in the begininng of our journey into this lifestyle with my values and whether this was right or not. I grew up in such a staunch religious family as most ppl in Utah do (GRIN). I didnt feel as though I was a "cheater" because my husband obviously knows and participates, I also didnt consider myself an "adulter" for the same reasons....we just consider ourselves to be "swingers" hehe straight up, bottom line, we are swingers. Is it right to do so when you are married or single for that matter?? I dont know, I think it is an individual decision and how you feel about it or about yourself. I know ppl outside of this circle of swingers would most likely turn their nose up to how we live or rather how we spend some of our spare time. Especially living here in Utah, and in a very tight nit, religious town where there is a church on every corner, and a bishop on every street it seems. However, this is how Mr. Stitch and I feel about it. We are not cheaters, or adulters (maybe by definition but not in our personal dictionary) we are occasional SWINGERS. Some call it a lifestyle....for some it may be. For us we dont consider it a lifestyle only because it isnt a way of life for us. We dont make it something that we live to do by planning our lives around the LIfestyle Conventions, or other parties, or vacation sites (not saying that any of you do make it your whole life, cuz I know most do not). We dont do it every weekend. This swinging stuff is something we do occassionally. We are more in this type of thing to meet open minded awesome couples that we can hang out with and things of a sexual nature are welcome, but it isnt something that we expect everytime we get together. This is why we dont consider it our lifestyle rather just a recreational hobby that we SOMETIMES do.
We dont feel that it is a moral issue/problem because we do it together, we have a great time, it has made our relationship tighter. We have discovered a better appreciation for each other, and our love for one another has grown. We are more confident in our sexual desires (especially me, Mrs Stitch) and it has made us better lovers. We communicate more openly, and as odd as it may seem it just overall has made our relationship improve. Now that may bring up a whole other arguement upon some of you, but I know that we are not the only couple that has experienced this new found love,appreciation, and confidence in your relationships. Back to my point......we feel that unless or until all this recreational swinging that we do ...makes a negative impact on our love/relationship or until it causes problems between the two of us then we will rethink our decision to do such things. Some of the outside ppl may ask...."well, why would you put your relationship out there for there to be problems....doesnt this open up the door for problems" My answer to that is....."Absolutely!, it does open up that door for inviting feelings, problems, desires...etc, but only if you let the door open" You have to communicate every feeling, desire, problems...etc. we make this about EACH OTHER...he doesnt make it just about him, or I dont make it just about me. We always do things together it is decisions we make together with what we do, and how we do it and until it does cause problems that we cant handle then we are going to keep on swingen without remorse or guilt of whether or not we are adulters/cheaters....
How dare the neighbors down the street or the single female friend who sleeps with everyone judge us for having openness in our relationship....it is something we do together, and when we decide to quit we will quit together. Lets be honest, we are all humans with sexual needs/desires and married or not you still have them. At least we can share those desires and needs together and experience those things together....therefore never leading us to cheat, or be an adulter.....not that we ever would anyways, but we may have thought about it ,which in my mind is just as bad!!!!!

Love the thought that is going into everyones comments. Its interesting to hear peoples ideas and opinions of things that we all have or will run into some day.

Just a few addtitional comments to add to our post. Consider the names that are given to all the variouis actions we take... wheither its "swinging", committing "adutry", "fornicating", etc... they are all only words or more correctly verbs, nouns or adjectives depending upon how you use them. The truth of the matter is that we are all people try to share something that can be a very intimate, beautiful and a bonding part of this life. Its when this privledge is abused that the words start to have nasty connotations.

When people use lifestyles to justify "cheating", it blackens everyones eye and gives everyone involved a bad label. Anytime someone has to use deception, be dishonest with themselves, their partner or another individual in order to gain some personal gratification, that is cheating to us. The end result is always a tragedy for someone.

Cyn and I have enjoyed over 28 wonderful years of marriage with each other and more than half of that has been involved with lifestyles. We realize that society, our families and religion tell us that what we do is sinful and wrong. However, none of our family, church members or society taught us how to bring the sensations, the deep physical emotions and the ability and concern to completely satisfy each other intimately. These experiences help bond us closer and taught us how to feel a deeper emotion for each other that many of you perhaps understand, but people outside this type of life will never comprehend. We know that its not for everyone, it takes a secure relationship to begin with.. but for us.. we have never had any regrets.