My ex and I dipped our toes into consensual non-monogamy a few times before we divorced. I thought that we were in a secure place in our marriage but she later said that she just did it because she thought I wanted her to. She's LDS and experienced a lot of shame afterwards, though in the moment we both had very positive experiences. She eventually filed for divorce, partly because of our differences with how we experienced the things we did. I'm wondering if others have had their experiences with non-monogamy negatively impact their marriage/relationships. For those who have been successful at maintaining a healthy relationship, what allowed you to do that?
Open honest communication. Respecting the boundaries. Not pushing your partner or allowing him/her to pressure you into things your both not ready for.
We have seen other failed marriages in the LS. It usually becomes a tipping point for what was already a relationship with issues. The many couples we have met in the LS have all had very secure relationships and trust. If you don’t have at least those 2 components swinging will be detrimental to your relationship.
My ex regularly blames our divorce on our lifestyle activities, even though she admits loving almost all of it. In the end she had a long-term secret affair with someone we met in the LS which was the real tipping point.
The LS is an easy target and allows her to dodge the real issues that were going on for years before we ever dipped our toes in the LS.
The LS is an easy target and allows her to dodge the real issues that were going on for years before we ever dipped our toes in the LS.
Swinging is some graduate-level relationshipping shit. If you don't have a solid foundation built on mutual respect and honesty with IMPECCABLE communication skills you're gonna have a bad time.
My wife is the one who wanted to try the lifestyle. And she loves it. I guess since we have been married 46 years she figured it would be something new and different. We still get along great so best I can tell has not changed are relationship at all. If anything made it a little better
We will have been married 40 years in just a few months. We started swinging almost 17 years ago. Early in our marriage and all the years we had small children at home, we enjoyed a happy monogamous marriage. Once all of our five kids were either older adolescents or young adults, and wanted, needed and deserved a lot of time to develop socially, emotionally and that requires more autonomous time hanging out with their peers, we discovered that we had more of the same to enjoy as a couple. So, we gave swinging a go, and we enjoy it. Not so often these days. Most of our kids are now married and have kids of their own, and we really enjoy our relationships with all our kids and our grandkids. We spend way more time hanging out with all of them than we do swinging. Family, is and always has been our primary lifestyle and focus. Swinging, well, we just fit it in when and where we can. The pandemic sort of forced us back into monogamy, for a time. We missed swinging, but it was hardly a tragic loss. During those days when our kids were hanging out a lot with their friends, and so were we, we were having sex with somebody other than each other pretty much a couple of times a week, and yes, we played with couples, singles, small groups, you name it. That lasted for maybe 7 or 8 years. Yes, there was a bit of drama, early on, but really with only one relationship, but nothing even close to dissolving a marriage, or anything like that. That short episode did no damage to our relationship together.
Seriously, we seem to be less interested in re-establishing ourselves as roving players these days, meeting and playing with a lot of people. Looking more for just a few convenient ongoing relaxed yet red hot relationships, that live nearby.
Seriously, we seem to be less interested in re-establishing ourselves as roving players these days, meeting and playing with a lot of people. Looking more for just a few convenient ongoing relaxed yet red hot relationships, that live nearby.
LDS culture definitely affects your post more than LS issues. We know first hand dealing with those conflicts (internal more than external/relationship) that affects you. Without knowing details seems like there is more to it. She felt guilt and you didn’t would be our guess.
A quick addendum to our previous post. We've been doing this for a minute (as the kids say nowadays-lol) now and started counting up, to the best of our recollection, and stopped at around 60 couples that we've known since we started in the lifestyle that have split up. Most were just acquaintances (not playmates) but, of the ones where we were privy to the root cause, a little over half were definitely affected by participation in the lifestyle and at least 25% of those were from at least one of the spouses catching 'feelings' for a play partner. Swinging AIN'T for the faint-hearted.
Oh, and any LTR couples who've been in the lifestyle for any length of time and claim that they've NEVER had any issues whatsoever are likely fibbing...or in deep denial.
Oh, and any LTR couples who've been in the lifestyle for any length of time and claim that they've NEVER had any issues whatsoever are likely fibbing...or in deep denial.
Lamento de ante mano que esto sea en español, pero es mas favil expresar mi pensamiento en mi idioma natal. Somos SUD. Yo la esposa siempre quize este tipo de ambiente y aventuras mi esposo. Se nego durante dos años. Pero despues lo acepto. Hemos tenido varias experiencias. Del cual siempre platicamos si esto esta bien por el y se siente comodo. El dice que si. Pero la base solida en este estilo de vida es la comunicación abierta entre pareja. A veces las personas se siente mal consigo mismos. Por eso debes darte tiempo y hablar abiertamente con tu pareja, y especificar que te gustaria. Probar esta vida. Solo si ella o el se sienten cómodos con ellos, no es una obligación pero ellos mismos deben tomar su propia decisión.
EVILDOERS wrote:
A quick addendum to our previous post. We've been doing this for a minute (as the kids say nowadays-lol) now and started counting up, to the best of our recollection, and stopped at around 60 couples that we've known since we started in the lifestyle that have split up. Most were just acquaintances (not playmates) but, of the ones where we were privy to the root cause, a little over half were definitely affected by participation in the lifestyle and at least 25% of those were from at least one of the spouses catching 'feelings' for a play partner. Swinging AIN'T for the faint-hearted.
Oh, and any LTR couples who've been in the lifestyle for any length of time and claim that they've NEVER had any issues whatsoever are likely fibbing...or in deep denial.
We must have run in different circles. Yes, most everyone we know well within the lifestyle, has experienced drama at some level, with other people they've interacted with in the lifestyle, but we know few that have had serious issues as a couple, because of the lifestyle. We know several couples that just kind of stopped swinging, believe or not, because they just sort of lost interest, but we don't have any swinger friends, that we've know well that ended up divorced, or fought a lot over it. We have lost track of a few people, so maybe that's a possibility, we just are not ware of. You have been involved for longer, and we kind or suspect, more involved in the events crowd than we are. That may be a reason for the difference in experience.
Sexy_In_Paradise wrote:We do it just fine. No matter religion most are raised to be monogamous and that the LS is "evil" or "bad". So mental gymnastics are required to be part of the LS.
Well your (her) belief system condemns all of us heathens to hell (I know not actually hell the way other religions understand it… I’m a return missionary, I get it… but you know what I mean) for participating… I’ve never understood how active LDS people do the mental gymnastics to have orgies Saturday night then attend church on Sunday. I would say that living the LS and remaining believers is almost sure to lead to conflict.
Sexy_In_Paradise wrote:
Well your (her) belief system condemns all of us heathens to hell (I know not actually hell the way other religions understand it… I’m a return missionary, I get it… but you know what I mean) for participating… I’ve never understood how active LDS people do the mental gymnastics to have orgies Saturday night then attend church on Sunday. I would say that living the LS and remaining believers is almost sure to lead to conflict.
Yeah it's hard to reconcile for sure. The guilt she experienced afterward was so hard to deal with, especially because in the moment and right after we both agreed that it was a very positive experience. But it sounds like from what others are saying, even when guilt isn't an issue, having a solid foundation of trust and open communication is key. I thought we had those things but I guess we were on different pages with some important parts.
My now ex husband wanted an open marriage and I didn't. I told him I thought it would mean the end of our marriage for me. We both were raised LDS and were fully in until 5 years before that for him and 2 years before that for me. The fact that he wanted an open marriage and I didn't want one, was frustrating and I was left wondering why I wasn't enough for him. When I found a condom in his wallet 5 days later, and asked him about it, he said we talked about it. And we had. But I was vehemently against it. He didn't seem to care at all about my feelings and was going to do whatever anyway. So, I did decide to dabble for a bit, but in the back of my mind the idea that he didn't care about my feelings, the lack of respect, was the biggest issue. It was the final straw for me. I could see your wife feeling similar if she is LDS.
You said that it was a very positive experience for both of you, how do you know it was for her? What did she do or say to make it seem that way? I just wonder if it wasn't for her, but you read it differently. I think marriage is difficult and so is one within the LS-any issues in your marriage will be exacerbated.
You said that it was a very positive experience for both of you, how do you know it was for her? What did she do or say to make it seem that way? I just wonder if it wasn't for her, but you read it differently. I think marriage is difficult and so is one within the LS-any issues in your marriage will be exacerbated.
Teacher T. Very well put
TeacherT wrote:
My now ex husband wanted an open marriage and I didn't. I told him I thought it would mean the end of our marriage for me. We both were raised LDS and were fully in until 5 years before that for him and 2 years before that for me. The fact that he wanted an open marriage and I didn't want one, was frustrating and I was left wondering why I wasn't enough for him. When I found a condom in his wallet 5 days later, and asked him about it, he said we talked about it. And we had. But I was vehemently against it. He didn't seem to care at all about my feelings and was going to do whatever anyway. So, I did decide to dabble for a bit, but in the back of my mind the idea that he didn't care about my feelings, the lack of respect, was the biggest issue. It was the final straw for me. I could see your wife feeling similar if she is LDS.
You said that it was a very positive experience for both of you, how do you know it was for her? What did she do or say to make it seem that way? I just wonder if it wasn't for her, but you read it differently. I think marriage is difficult and so is one within the LS-any issues in your marriage will be exacerbated.
I can see what you mean, and I certainly wouldn't have ever wanted her to do anything she felt uncomfortable with. She was the one who initiated our exploration after we fantasized about it together for a while. She clearly expressed having positive experiences and brought them up unsolicited for weeks or sometimes months afterward. It felt to me like she was torn between allowing herself to let her guard down vs. dealing with the guilt associated with her beliefs.
It seems like this lifestyle is a great way to bring issues in a relationship to the surface, whether it's guilt, insecurity, dishonesty, mistrust, etc. But in healthy, secure relationships, it can work really well.
TeacherT wrote:
My now ex husband wanted an open marriage and I didn't. I told him I thought it would mean the end of our marriage for me. We both were raised LDS and were fully in until 5 years before that for him and 2 years before that for me. The fact that he wanted an open marriage and I didn't want one, was frustrating and I was left wondering why I wasn't enough for him. When I found a condom in his wallet 5 days later, and asked him about it, he said we talked about it. And we had. But I was vehemently against it. He didn't seem to care at all about my feelings and was going to do whatever anyway. So, I did decide to dabble for a bit, but in the back of my mind the idea that he didn't care about my feelings, the lack of respect, was the biggest issue. It was the final straw for me. I could see your wife feeling similar if she is LDS.
You said that it was a very positive experience for both of you, how do you know it was for her? What did she do or say to make it seem that way? I just wonder if it wasn't for her, but you read it differently. I think marriage is difficult and so is one within the LS-any issues in your marriage will be exacerbated.
Yet here you are. I find that interesting. Can you elaborate?