Swingular - Swingers

Swingers Forum - That little nudge many of us need

line
Previous Post Next Post
Fiancé and I have never played, together, as a couple, with another couple. Many times have we played “Hotwife”, and “hot-hubby” (not sure what that’s actually called)
We also don’t get out a ton. (Lots of kids) And she is extremely self conscious. Especially in a group setting. We met with couples before, she liked them... but something about it being “arranged” or “set up” prior somehow, made her less comfortable. Having said that, I know her, better than anyone, we’ve talked about it many, many times... and I know that if we met up with a couple, and she didn’t know specifically how I knew these “old friends”, that after warming up, maybe a few drinks, a little bit of flirty suggestiveness & maybe a little nudity, that she would forget her worries and self consciousness, and finally be able to let go and enjoy herself, and do so together.
So, are we the only ones like this?
Are we the only ones wishing we had real, actual friends that we could get naked with and it wouldn’t be weird?
Does it make me a bad person wanting to set up this experiment and not tell her about it?
Is there a cute, sexy younger couple out there that would try it with us?
Be careful it may backfire and create lots of drama but at the same time it might work out. Assuming she doesn’t know about swingular? Are you a gambler?
I'm not really sure why she would be okay playing "Hotwife" (depending on what that actually means to you) but then have an issue meeting a couple. Perhaps you could meet a couple, with no immediate sexual agenda whatsoever, and get to know each other a little over time before taking things to the bedroom. That seems, to us at least, to be a more authentic way to overcome her anxiety without being deceptive. *shrug*


ps- We don't mean to sound so skeptical but we had a very similar situation a number of years ago where a gentleman contacted us and wanted us to pretend to be work associates of his and "run into" he and his wife at a Salt Lake Bees game. After emailing back and forth with him for a week or so and expressing some reservations about deceiving his wife he actually said that if it didn't work we could just get her really drunk to overcome her reservations. We politely declined.
I can relate. My fem is interested for sure but always seems uncomfortable with selections and taking next steps. She's worried about discretion and her career and is super cautious. So, I've realized it would be much easier if I had "old friends" so to speak, or at least people I've met and played with before. So, when couples approach us here, I have to say it would just be me initially and get her involved later. That results in a "no thanks" with most couples....so yeah its tricky...but hey reach out if you want to talk more or meet up etc.
We, especially when we were in our 20's, had quite a few awkward first time couples dates. For us since we had a travel a long distance, or in your case the rarity of a free night, house parties might fit your need. A chance to meet several new people and no expectation of having to do something with a certain person is a bit more relaxing.
I have seen this scenario in the past and usually doesn’t work out and if it does one of the partners in the other couple ends up taking one for the team.

I think a lot of honest conversation needs to take place to understand why your in the lifestyle and what your specific kinks are. Some couples are hot wife or MFM or other variations and that works.

Anyway house parties are good and nudists outings are also good to get comfortable with being naked around other people. It can be awkward at first but nudists in general don’t judge body types or body shame and that can be very empowering.
So our first real experience was at a Risqué event. It wasn’t a sex party, but a massage party. At the beginning of the party they said dress down to were you are comfortable and everyone took off everything and laid on their tables. My wife noticed voluptuous women, curvy women and skinny women all getting nude and being comfortable. She was always very self conscious of her body. She is taller than most, very curvy, wife hips, big sexy ass and very small boobs. She went with everyone else and got naked. After the massaging people were up and talking, having drinks and she talked and flirted and everything else nude. But that “body positive” vibe has been with us ever since. We have played with first time couples, and she has always played the “have to got to the bathroom “ card where she busts out naked and says “let’s play!”. The women we have met absolutely love her for that (and the guys don’t mind either!) and still talk how they helped them feel comfortable in their own skin years later. A common joke among friends is “M, go to the bathroom” which means party time.

NOGDEN wrote:


Is there a cute, sexy younger couple out there that would try it with us?


This right here doesn’t show body positivity. You just posted all that about how she is not comfortable, but you want to find someone younger and sexy that she will most likely feel even worse around. Sounds like the vibe is super vain and likely the cause.
Also, not sure how “setting something up” is supposed to feel not setup. Sounds like an even worse fail and likely will hurt her more.
Sounds like from posting this you actually care, but you need a reboot. Throw vain and dishonesty and planning behind her back, out the window. Restart with body positivity and honesty and see where it goes. Next time you show her a couple you want to meet, tell her what you like about their personality and vibe and say nothing about their looks(if you can).
Sounds like you want young and sexy trophies and she wants fun and comfortable friends.
We think honesty is the best way to be. If she found out about the meeting without her knowledge, your tryst into the lifestyle may be over. Plus, she might feel the pressure to play at some point anyway. Also, she will always wonder if the next meeting is arranged without her knowledge.

Evildoers is correct in meeting with zero chance of playtime. Take their advice. She will feel more relaxed and could enjoy herself with the pressure off. We will take it a step further:

Step 1: Set up a date with ZERO playtime opportunity and let the other couple know that. Do something fun (a hike, Topgolf, etc) and get to know them. At the conclusion of the date, let them know that if they do not receive a message from YOU within 24 hours, you don't feel you are a match.

Step 2: If you send a message to meet again, let them know your intent and your boundaries. For example, (kissing ok), (fondling ok), (bi kissing ok), (same room, separate room, either room ok), (nudity ok or not). But, speak honestly with each other about this. It's not nice to lead people on after you have committed. At the conclusion of the date, let them know that if they do not receive a message from YOU within 24 hours, you are not ready to go further.

Step 3: If you send a message to meet again, let them know what is acceptable. For example (full swap or soft swap), (same room, separate rooms or either ok), (kissing or no kissing), (bi play) etc. Again, you will have to be honest with yourselves if you can do this. By a third date, the other couple has invested a lot of time in you. So, be nice and don't lead them on. Enjoy the playtime. Save enough time for the afterglow sex with them relaxing, chatting, and laughing.

By this point, you may have found a couple that you can see multiple times. Doing vanilla activities with them might be a bonus. They may even introduce you to their lifestyle friends too.

The other option is attending a house party where play is not expected. You will be able to speak to several couple and perhaps, use the process above. Or you can play that night.

When we entered the lifestyle, we never had that couple who could mentor us. After we considered ourselves as no longer newbies, we became the newbie "whisperers" to offer what we never had. However, we've gotten away from newbies since our circle is with experienced swingers now. But with covid, we would date newbies again.
PARTYINLV wrote:

We think honesty is the best way to be. If she found out about the meeting without her knowledge, your tryst into the lifestyle may be over. Plus, she might feel the pressure to play at some point anyway. Also, she will always wonder if the next meeting is arranged without her knowledge.
Evildoers is correct in meeting with zero chance of playtime. Take their advice. She will feel more relaxed and could enjoy herself with the pressure off. We will take it a step further:
Step 1: Set up a date with ZERO playtime opportunity and let the other couple know that. Do something fun (a hike, Topgolf, etc) and get to know them. At the conclusion of the date, let them know that if they do not receive a message from YOU within 24 hours, you don't feel you are a match.
Step 2: If you send a message to meet again, let them know your intent and your boundaries. For example, (kissing ok), (fondling ok), (bi kissing ok), (same room, separate room, either room ok), (nudity ok or not). But, speak honestly with each other about this. It's not nice to lead people on after you have committed. At the conclusion of the date, let them know that if they do not receive a message from YOU within 24 hours, you are not ready to go further.
Step 3: If you send a message to meet again, let them know what is acceptable. For example (full swap or soft swap), (same room, separate rooms or either ok), (kissing or no kissing), (bi play) etc. Again, you will have to be honest with yourselves if you can do this. By a third date, the other couple has invested a lot of time in you. So, be nice and don't lead them on. Enjoy the playtime. Save enough time for the afterglow sex with them relaxing, chatting, and laughing.
By this point, you may have found a couple that you can see multiple times. Doing vanilla activities with them might be a bonus. They may even introduce you to their lifestyle friends too.
The other option is attending a house party where play is not expected. You will be able to speak to several couple and perhaps, use the process above. Or you can play that night.
When we entered the lifestyle, we never had that couple who could mentor us. After we considered ourselves as no longer newbies, we became the newbie "whisperers" to offer what we never had. However, we've gotten away from newbies since our circle is with experienced swingers now. But with covid, we would date newbies again.


Sounds like an excellent plan to avoid those one and done awkward meet ups👍
Utahldscouple wrote:

Be careful it may backfire and create lots of drama but at the same time it might work out. Assuming she doesn’t know about swingular? Are you a gambler?


She definitely knows of it well, & uses it herself.
LOL and I am, slightly.

I fear my intent may have become clouded somehow. This notion, or idea isn’t intended to be deceitful or malicious in any way.
When we have met LS couples before, from the get go it starts & feels different somehow for her because of that. I think many people feel like this when the years of experience in doing so is absent.
My hypothesis is that if we met & enjoyed the company of a new couple, (or “old friends”) & maybe if she didn’t know of their involvement in the LS, that it might be a more natural, easier, & more enjoyable experience & transition for her. Which would in turn, do so for myself as well. 🤷🏼‍♂️
Am I wrong, or completely out of the box & alone in thinking this?
There are plenty of people on Swingular, ourselves included, who strongly prefer to meet and get to know people a bit (sometimes over weeks or even months) before any kind of 'sexy time' happens. In fact, for us at least, we're happy just to hang out and be friends even if sex NEVER happens. There are also avowed demi-sexuals here who absolutely need some kind of emotional connection (and no, it doesn't necessarily have to be romantic or love or anything beyond friendship) before they can feel sexual attraction to other people. Perhaps your wife is more oriented in that direction. Beyond that, maybe it would be more above-board to just hang out with vanillas and see if you can slowly evolve your friendship towards something more sexual. Just a thought.
EVILDOERS wrote:

There are plenty of people on Swingular, ourselves included, who strongly prefer to meet and get to know people a bit (sometimes over weeks or even months) before any kind of 'sexy time' happens. In fact, for us at least, we're happy just to hang out and be friends even if sex NEVER happens. There are also avowed demi-sexuals here who absolutely need some kind of emotional connection (and no, it doesn't necessarily have to be romantic or love or anything beyond friendship) before they can feel sexual attraction to other people. Perhaps your wife is more oriented in that direction. Beyond that, maybe it would be more above-board to just hang out with vanillas and see if you can slowly evolve your friendship towards something more sexual. Just a thought.


We have friendships with vanilla couples who we think are smoking hot and wish they were in the lifestyle. lol. Perhaps this is a question for another forum thread. But, how does one broach the subject with a vanilla couple who are friends? Does anyone have any success stories of how you converted a vanilla couple friendship to the lifestyle? We would be afraid about outing ourselves or maybe even losing a friendship.
PARTYINLV wrote:

EVILDOERS wrote:

There are plenty of people on Swingular, ourselves included, who strongly prefer to meet and get to know people a bit (sometimes over weeks or even months) before any kind of 'sexy time' happens. In fact, for us at least, we're happy just to hang out and be friends even if sex NEVER happens. There are also avowed demi-sexuals here who absolutely need some kind of emotional connection (and no, it doesn't necessarily have to be romantic or love or anything beyond friendship) before they can feel sexual attraction to other people. Perhaps your wife is more oriented in that direction. Beyond that, maybe it would be more above-board to just hang out with vanillas and see if you can slowly evolve your friendship towards something more sexual. Just a thought.

We have friendships with vanilla couples who we think are smoking hot and wish they were in the lifestyle. lol. Perhaps this is a question for another forum thread. But, how does one broach the subject with a vanilla couple who are friends? Does anyone have any success stories of how you converted a vanilla couple friendship to the lifestyle? We would be afraid about outing ourselves or maybe even losing a friendship.


Personally, we think the best way to broach that subject with vanillas is to just, at some point in the friendship, put it out there that you're swingers and then let the other couple process, digest, and come to terms with that information and do with it what they will. We feel like there are FAR too many swingers who enjoy 'vanilla hunting' and use unfair tactics (alcohol, late nights, etc.), if not outright subterfuge, to try to 'convert' them as, I guess, some kind of power trip. If you let people have the space to come to a rational, informed decision on their own there is, IMO, FAR less chance for drama (or WORSE!) as a sequela.
Absolutely when and can we talk a bit?
I am!
Absolutely!
Message me at 7 o’clock