Our experience so far:
Religious > naturist > meet naturists/nudists who are swingers > soft swap > non-religious > full swap with couples same room > full swap separate room
Many lifestyle couples we know have followed a very similar path.
The rest of some of their evolution concerns us, especial polyamorous couples, triples, etc.
The tendency seems to be (very generalized) is to date and play separately. If the relationship becomes polyamorous, divorce seems VERY common.
We like having more than physical chemistry. Personality and interests are part of the package, but it is difficult to get an 8 way connection (chemistry between all 4 people).
We actually like the friendships more than playing, so we are comfortable where we are at the moment.
Thoughts?
Religious > naturist > meet naturists/nudists who are swingers > soft swap > non-religious > full swap with couples same room > full swap separate room
Many lifestyle couples we know have followed a very similar path.
The rest of some of their evolution concerns us, especial polyamorous couples, triples, etc.
The tendency seems to be (very generalized) is to date and play separately. If the relationship becomes polyamorous, divorce seems VERY common.
We like having more than physical chemistry. Personality and interests are part of the package, but it is difficult to get an 8 way connection (chemistry between all 4 people).
We actually like the friendships more than playing, so we are comfortable where we are at the moment.
Thoughts?
We could not agree more and are struggling with this as well.
We do see some paths like this but have seen many paths that aren’t. Our path is the same and will most likely stay the same. We are happy with where we are as a couple and agree getting 4 way connections is near impossible.
It depends on the communication of the couple. We have a similar path with a few differences. We have been for years and still play together no seperate play or date separately. When you find those friendships with other couples cherish them, we have been friends with a couple for 5 years now sometimes we play but most times go to dinner or drinks on weekends and hang out. Always go at you comfort level and if people don't respect that you will always find somebody that well.
That's an individual experience and as Naughtytravelers mentions it depends on the communication you have built with your partner. The LS doesn't have to continue evolving because just Utahldscouple mentioned you have control of how BOTH OF YOU want to go. We full swap same room because we enjoy it. Separate room is just a different flavor we'll communicate about if we want to taste it that day. Its an up/down slope not a constantly always rising one.
Divorce is very common regardless of poly. Many couples get into this lifestyle trying to "fix" something, and they're waiting for something else (kids to graduate, house to appreciate enough, ect) so they can get divorced.
We've been in the lifestyle 'for a minute' (lol) and were counting up a while back and got to over SIXTY couples that we've known over the years who've gotten divorced. Only about half of those were cases where it was widely known that the divorce was due to at least one partner falling in love with a play partner. And while divorce does happen outside of the lifestyle and some couples DO try swinging to "fix" something, that rate is still well over double the rate of divorce among our vanilla friends. This is actually a topic we could go on and on about having dipped our toes a bit into the poly pool a few times. 
We also enjoy the friendships with our play partners mostly as couples but not always. I (Mr. D) have played with single women and also as a single guy with other couples. These require Mrs D's consent and she has played solo with some of our play couples...usually when I am somewhere else.
For us its a situation where we never have any expectation and we go with the flow attitude where each of us have a veto power. We are good friends with folks that disagree with us politically and its ok. Not everyone is comfortable with that. One thing all our lifestyle friends have is the willingness to have fun in a non judgemental atmosphere. Its made for some great times with few disappointments.
For us its a situation where we never have any expectation and we go with the flow attitude where each of us have a veto power. We are good friends with folks that disagree with us politically and its ok. Not everyone is comfortable with that. One thing all our lifestyle friends have is the willingness to have fun in a non judgemental atmosphere. Its made for some great times with few disappointments.
This is the best thread I’ve seen in weeks. Great job OP.
Good comments all around. We love a good full swap! Prefer same room stuff though. Occasionally we play alone, but it’s rare.
I agree with the comments made above, you as a couple control how you evolve. We prefer to evolve together. (we feel even solo experiences can be experienced together)
The poly realm has always seemed like a very explosive situation. Mentally and emotionally you’re opening up, and we do not feel that that opening leads to a solid relationship.
Sure it works for several people. But we’ve always viewed the lifestyle as an addition to our sex life not an alternative to our sex life.
Even though I enjoy flirting, and I love watching her fucking, it’s always for us. Even if we’re with other people we do it because it turns US on, strengthens OUR desire, and builds our trust. It’s always us. (And some choice friends)
Cheers everyone!
B of BnK
Good comments all around. We love a good full swap! Prefer same room stuff though. Occasionally we play alone, but it’s rare.
I agree with the comments made above, you as a couple control how you evolve. We prefer to evolve together. (we feel even solo experiences can be experienced together)
The poly realm has always seemed like a very explosive situation. Mentally and emotionally you’re opening up, and we do not feel that that opening leads to a solid relationship.
Sure it works for several people. But we’ve always viewed the lifestyle as an addition to our sex life not an alternative to our sex life.
Even though I enjoy flirting, and I love watching her fucking, it’s always for us. Even if we’re with other people we do it because it turns US on, strengthens OUR desire, and builds our trust. It’s always us. (And some choice friends)
Cheers everyone!
B of BnK
For anyone who's interested, there is quite a bit of research available online about the effects of oxytocin and bonding. Some researchers call it the "love hormone" and claim that when it's released during orgasm it can contribute to strong physical and psychological bonding feelings and behaviors.
So, theoretically, you could have a very strong pair bond with your primary partner only to be bombarded with this "love hormone" while playing with a lifestyle play partner. And, of course, the grass always looks a little greener on the other side of the fence where you often don't have to deal with the day to day problems of jobs, finances, kids, etc.. It's often quite an intoxicating feeling to once again experience those intense butterflies of early infatuation and love.
So, theoretically, you could have a very strong pair bond with your primary partner only to be bombarded with this "love hormone" while playing with a lifestyle play partner. And, of course, the grass always looks a little greener on the other side of the fence where you often don't have to deal with the day to day problems of jobs, finances, kids, etc.. It's often quite an intoxicating feeling to once again experience those intense butterflies of early infatuation and love.
Us? Lifestyle for over 20 yrs, married for over 20 as well, very in love and happy together, always laughing and joking around. Our secret? Wife has bad taste in men.
We have had enough drama and came to the conclusion that in any situation, the sex is never going to be better than with your partner who you know the ins and out of and have that history and emotional attachment to. We are still in the lifestyle but are not necessarily seeking sex, just friendship....and if that turns into more great, if not great. For us there has to be a mutual base of trust/respect/caring. I know thats not everybodys shtick, just what we have evolved to 👍
Our relationship is perhaps different than most. When we entered the lifestyle we were but good friends. We were both looking to experience the sexy side of life we both were missing. Our love and relationship grew within the LS. While we prefer to have at least a friendly relationship with our play partners, We have always known the difference between our love relationship with each other, and sex. For us, they are not the same. Jealousy has never been an issue at all. In 11 years, not a single disagreement of that nature. Perhaps it is that outlook that makes us both appreciate play partners of all ages, and body types. Sure we have our likes and preferences, but fun can be found in new experiences, as well!
This is a terrific thread. I'm always fascinated to hear couples share their journey in the LS; especially from seasoned couples who always seem to have a funny story or two regarding how they navigated the potentially rocky first few years in the LS. I'm fortunate and proud to have a partner (Dr. Cari Oneal) who has dedicated her life's work to coaching couples through some of the LS challenges mentioned in this thread - coaching them to more often than not grow closer together and thrive. She's a great resource for anyone in the LS community. Cheers!
Sofutosuwappu wrote:
Our experience so far:
Religious > naturist > meet naturists/nudists who are swingers > soft swap > non-religious > full swap with couples same room > full swap separate room
Thoughts?
Wow - what a great thread Sofutosuwappu! I just read some of these responses today. We're actually shocked! Evil - 60 couples . . . WOW! This has not been our experience at all.
While we are relatively new in the LS (since 2015) and we definitely have less LS play experience than most who have commented - our experience has been very different from that described . . . both in terms of our own evolution, but also in terms of what we have personally witnessed with friends.
ALL of the couples we have met in the LS are still together and in loving long-term relationships (as far as we know). Part of that may be dumb luck . . . part of it may be in the 'rules' we set for ourselves. We don't play separately . . . part of the fun is seeing your partner receive joy, pleasure, and excitement! We also specifically seek out people in Long Term relationships . . . and we have stayed away from profiles that intimated a DTF (down to fuck) kind of mind set. Not that there is anything wrong with that - we don't judge . . . just not something we have been interested in. We are attracted to beautiful relationships.
As for our own evolution . . we are STILL very religious, we jumped into the LS first . . . and THEN became nudists 🤣 We have made only a slight adjustment to our play style from our first adventure, and we have no interest in becoming 'non-religious' - we have found the LS to be a continuation or advancement of our understanding of the Judeo-Christian commandment to 'Love One Another'. Maybe we just haven't been in long enough . . . maybe we are self-deluded and are secretly living a life of cognitive dissonance . . . but so far so good.
One HUGE change is that when we first started in the LS . . . we thought we would want to be completely anonymous . . . going so far as to create 'fake names' etc. (I know . . . but we were still virgins . . . we feel SOME guilt about that . . . but we have subsequently repented!😉) We thought that the less people knew about us . . . the better. That changed 180 degrees within the first 6 months of our stumbling into this LS. Now . . . we only seek friends . . . who can be genuine friends . . . and if that progresses to any type of sexual exploration . . . all the better . . . but the friendship rules.
I'm sure we still have a lot to figure out in this regard - but we cherish our new and longer-term friendships . . . and honestly can't wait to spend time with these people. We are missing the summer live concert venues . . . and we can't wait till the next time we meet with friends. If that makes us 'poly-amorous' . . . then consider us 'guilty as charged' - We have somehow managed to maintain significant and deep friendships with just about everyone we've played with. We don't see that changing.
Hope that helps - thought it might as far as providing an alternate perspective. We love the authenticity and honesty shown to us by friends in the LS - we honestly have a hard time now maintaining vanilla relationships . . . whats the point??🤷♂️
Thank you all for the riveting discussion!
We really enjoy the friendship aspect of the LS. My wife meet a friend that she calls up and they go out shopping. We join them for games nights, so far over 4 months we have only had a sexual relationship 2 times. We really want to have more friends like that.
We've been at the LS nearly our entire 15 year marriage.. and we've always done things as a couple. Even way back when we were newly hatched swingers, we've always done it as a couple, and we've used our real names from the beginning, mostly because we're not creative enough to come up with fake names. Neither of us would make good actors, because we'd never respond to anything but our real names either 🤣
We started this together with equal gusto with the idea of having fun together while having sex with other people at the same time, and with people we want to be friends with, and not exclusively in the bedroom either.
Has it always worked out that way? No but that's okay. We've always still managed to have fun. Anything that we can experience with each other and share together has made it 100% worthwhile. The day we can't have fun doing this together is the day we go back to being sexually monogamous. Simple as that.
But the REAL secret to why we're still happily married is that there is one thing we do separately, which may be problematic for some.
It's scary sharing this, but here goes....
We don't share blankets. We can't do it. We've tried, and it doesn't work for us. We're both very needy in regards to tossing and turning and being wrapped in our own blankets. Plus, we've got our individual blanket needs that can't be met with exclusively with the same one.
We started this together with equal gusto with the idea of having fun together while having sex with other people at the same time, and with people we want to be friends with, and not exclusively in the bedroom either.
Has it always worked out that way? No but that's okay. We've always still managed to have fun. Anything that we can experience with each other and share together has made it 100% worthwhile. The day we can't have fun doing this together is the day we go back to being sexually monogamous. Simple as that.
But the REAL secret to why we're still happily married is that there is one thing we do separately, which may be problematic for some.
It's scary sharing this, but here goes....
We don't share blankets. We can't do it. We've tried, and it doesn't work for us. We're both very needy in regards to tossing and turning and being wrapped in our own blankets. Plus, we've got our individual blanket needs that can't be met with exclusively with the same one.
I think is hard to connect with 3 people in a relationship, one get more attention and the other feels left out or both get jealous ect. That is when I have seen my friends go through divorce. I think its easier for 4 people to connect that way it's all even. Also you need to find who will work for you and your partner. That will take some time. Some people can be kids when it comes to this kind of stuff. One you have found your the one or ones it's a very beautiful thing ❤❤❤
It depends on how much you trust each other, each partners’ personality, and a couple other factors, but the relationship can evolve really anywhere you want to take it! Or in our case, wherever it leads. We still participate in the swinging lifestyle, but have also transitioned into a more poly relationship as well. We enjoy swaps, but also meeting people and developing relationships more than just physical and that’s hard to find 4 people all on the same page and all with the right chemistry. We believe that expecting one person to meet all of your needs (except Always sexually in the swinging case) can lead to toxicity in the relationship, and developing more relationships not only enhances your own personal relationships, but also let’s you enjoy other ones as well. Life is short, fall in love with as many things (or people) as you can! The key is open communication at all times
zugzug wrote:
We've been at the LS nearly our entire 15 year marriage.. and we've always done things as a couple. Even way back when we were newly hatched swingers, we've always done it as a couple, and we've used our real names from the beginning, mostly because we're not creative enough to come up with fake names. Neither of us would make good actors, because we'd never respond to anything but our real names either 🤣
We started this together with equal gusto with the idea of having fun together while having sex with other people at the same time, and with people we want to be friends with, and not exclusively in the bedroom either.
Has it always worked out that way? No but that's okay. We've always still managed to have fun. Anything that we can experience with each other and share together has made it 100% worthwhile. The day we can't have fun doing this together is the day we go back to being sexually monogamous. Simple as that.
But the REAL secret to why we're still happily married is that there is one thing we do separately, which may be problematic for some.
It's scary sharing this, but here goes....
We don't share blankets. We can't do it. We've tried, and it doesn't work for us. We're both very needy in regards to tossing and turning and being wrapped in our own blankets. Plus, we've got our individual blanket needs that can't be met with exclusively with the same one.
We also draw the line at blankets because we saw how well that worked out for so many Native Americans back in the day. :-( But we do share other stuff because, well...sharing is caring.
zugzug wrote:
We don't share blankets. We can't do it. We've tried, and it doesn't work for us. We're both very needy in regards to tossing and turning and being wrapped in our own blankets. Plus, we've got our individual blanket needs that can't be met with exclusively with the same one.
That is funny. We also don't share blankets, though I can't say we ever tried. Maybe we should chaulk that up for one more reason our marriage is great.
What is the right answer because that is mine? Haha
But to be honest, I think you are right, and at the same time it’s possible that it’s just a Utah story-line. The oppressive thumbprint from which most of us came, I think, causes a similar response in all of us as we come out from underneath it.
Evolution in the lifestyle, if you will, is inevitable; often driven by a need to accommodate the boundaries of others in whom we have an overwhelming interest.
While polyamory isn’t necessarily in our scope we also have made a step in the direction of no longer defining our new boundaries each time there is a change. I could describe out current state, but it would be exactly that, our current state. We have stopped placing definitive ends to our evolvement, we instead have a new even greater emphasis on communication and an agreed understanding that things will go wherever they may until which time we come up against something that we aren’t both in agreement on or comfortable with, then it’s just simply backing up.
Sincerely,
Your greatest admirer!!!
But to be honest, I think you are right, and at the same time it’s possible that it’s just a Utah story-line. The oppressive thumbprint from which most of us came, I think, causes a similar response in all of us as we come out from underneath it.
Evolution in the lifestyle, if you will, is inevitable; often driven by a need to accommodate the boundaries of others in whom we have an overwhelming interest.
While polyamory isn’t necessarily in our scope we also have made a step in the direction of no longer defining our new boundaries each time there is a change. I could describe out current state, but it would be exactly that, our current state. We have stopped placing definitive ends to our evolvement, we instead have a new even greater emphasis on communication and an agreed understanding that things will go wherever they may until which time we come up against something that we aren’t both in agreement on or comfortable with, then it’s just simply backing up.
Sincerely,
Your greatest admirer!!!