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Swingers Forum - What about the lifestyle didn't meet your expectations?

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I thought it might be interesting to see what preconceived ideas people had about swinging that were completely different than what they actually found in the lifestyle. As an example, this isn't one of OUR preconceptions but we've run into SO many people (yes, usually guys...single AND coupled) who have the idea that basically anyone will fuck anyone in the lifestyle. We've encountered a large number of swingers over the years who seem to believe that the ONLY commonalities necessary for a swinging connection is the simple fact that we're all swingers. Any other factors are, apparently, moot.

What things did YOU find in the lifestyle that didn't mesh with what you thought the lifestyle was all about? Did you think it would all be one big wild orgy? Or did you imagine that there were myriad unicorns ready, willing, and able to fuck you at the drop of a hat?
Fake people!!!!! Most on here are not real.
That's for us we missed some fun people and yes mostly guys come after it I like you said it's not all about fucking you got to have communication and friendship and some of meet and greets were fun
funmatures wrote:

Fake people!!!!! Most on here are not real.


Not talking about Swingular or any other lifestyle website. I'm asking about the lifestyle itself. We started swinging BEFORE there were any lifestyle sites. All we had were cheap ad magazines sold in porn shops that we had to contact people with P.O. boxes and Polaroid pictures. LOL It was MUCH slower and a LOT more work trying to connect with people. And while the argument could be made that opening up the lifestyle to basically anyone with an internet connection was a good thing since it allowed exponentially MANY more people to dip their toes in, it also opened it up to MANY more fakes and flakes. But again, my question was what, apart from HOW you meet people in the lifestyle, didn't jibe with what you thought you would experience?
Fake people and pretentious people. Too materialistic. We were hoping to meet people who wants a normal dinner and if we click enjoy each other.
Athleticeuropean wrote:

Fake people and pretentious people. Too materialistic. We were hoping to meet people who wants a normal dinner and if we click enjoy each other.


What about the lifestyle made you think that people who fuck other people recreationally would be really any different than people in general? Aren't those characteristics things you would also find in pretty much any other group? I know I found a LOT of those same things in my Mormon ward before I stopped attending.
I guess one of a few of our misconceptions is how hard it is to get four people on the same page. Either his wife isn't into me or my wife isn't to him I'm not into his wife so on and so on. And yes didn't anticipate so many FLAKES in the lifestyle.
Same!!! 3somes are way more fun than couples playing together. There is always one person feeling insecure
IVANNAPLAY wrote:

Same!!! 3somes are way more fun than couples playing together. There is always one person feeling insecure


So have you actually played a lot as "couples"? Just wondering since you're a single male and claiming "always one person feeling insecure" seems like more than a bit of a presumption given your relationship status.
Four way connection, had no idea it was as rare as it is. Usually someone not feeling it, or an offense was taken while playing, or drama after. I get it, everyone's different, and its hard enough to find a good match 1on1 much less 4. But the few that we have found, fantastic friends, our very closest šŸ‘
1st, we thought it would be alot easier then it is.
2nd we didnt think there would be so many people with so many damn rules, boundaries or what ever you wanted to label it as.

We got tired of living with so many rules and judged and expected to do so many things. Yes you guessed it in the church! Found out there are alot of people outside the church with alot of the same tendencies!
The sex has been as expected. The personalities and behavior of single males and females, as expected. We wrongly expected LS couples were all the most confident, well adjusted, secure, polite, and communicative people who surely knew what they wanted. After all, they arrived at this astounding decision together right? The truth has been eye opening. People are people and fakes and flakes are in every population.

That said, we've gotten really good at shutting out the noise. Negative experiences have been few and minor. We've met and enjoy knowing great couples with whom we've shared very positive experiences.
The lifestyle has met all our expectations and more. We would have never guessed that our relationship would grow stronger after having sex with others. We would have never guessed that we would have so many friends with benefits.

Sure we have had some bad experiences but we dont let that keep us from enjoying ourselves. We dont get frustrated with others and all the things others complain about just does not bother us. It's just the way we like to roll.

Our only regret is we did not start at a younger age. Of course maybe our attitude would be different if we had.
What is it about the four-way connection? I'm not necessarily disagreeing at all, but what is the typical impediment to four people finding enough in common or enough attraction to fuck? To paraphrase an old adage comparing pizza to sex, even BAD sex can be fairly good. LOL Is it our own expectations of perfection in a potential playmate? Is it, perhaps, that we see our partner with a somewhat better connection with the other half of a couple and we're jealous? Are many or most couples that terribly mismatched that one of us feels like we're taking one for the team? Or is our partner somehow just less "picky" than we are when it comes to an extracurricular sex partner? These are questions that keep me up at night. LOL
Because the four way for us, isnt a fuck-n-done. We like to stay in contact, arrange future meets where everyone is ever more comfortable and lets loose even more. But most we dont get past the first meet. We are very content in our marriage, but its nice to know we are thought of past an orgasm and something more wanted in the future.

EVIL we have had several circumstances where the sex was good, but the ghosting or drama afterwards kind of killed it. May just be us, but thats not our scene.
WifeyNeedsNew wrote:

Because the four way for us, isnt a fuck-n-done. We like to stay in contact, arrange future meets where everyone is ever more comfortable and lets loose even more. But most we dont get past the first meet. We are very content in our marriage, but its nice to know we are thought of past an orgasm and something more wanted in the future.
EVIL we have had several circumstances where the sex was good, but the ghosting or drama afterwards kind of killed it. May just be us, but thats not our scene.


Right there with you. Drama SUCKS! Prescreening and actually getting to know people before hopping into bed helps but drama can still creep up out of nowhere even many days/weeks/months after hitting it off with a couple. That's one of the reasons we don't really do poly. We have enough of our own shit to deal with and we DEF don't want to deal with anyone else's! LOL
For what is supposed to be an ā€œopen mindedā€ lifestyle we find many people here are WAY judgmental ... more on this site than on Kasidie and Fetlife .... but then again this is Utah šŸ¤£šŸ˜‚šŸ¤£
Not sure we had a lot of expectations when we started. So really, we were not disappointed. We played a lot more when we first started. Life changed. Our young adult and adolescent children, that wanted to go hang with their friends on the weekends, leaving us a bit more time to play with our friends, all grew up. Most of them now have significant others and kids. Now they want to hang out with us on the weekends. We enjoy it! We are in a different life cycle. Couple say that swinging can strengthen your romance. There is some truth to that. Sometime back we discovered that unless someone really gets at least one of us excited, we would rather just do each other. There are yet a few things and people that really interest us.
DANDTCURIOUS wrote:

For what is supposed to be an ā€œopen mindedā€ lifestyle we find many people here are WAY judgmental ... more on this site than on Kasidie and Fetlife .... but then again this is Utah šŸ¤£šŸ˜‚šŸ¤£


Most of us learned that particular skill sucking from the teat of the Mormon church. It takes a while to overcome inculcation that started before we could walk or talk.
For us it was all about exploration. But what we didn't prepare for, was how difficult it was like dating for four versus two. It is hard enough to get 2 people who are compatible let alone 4. But, we have had a wonderful ride! We would not trade living out our fantasies for anything. Largely for us after 22 years of swinging... Positive!
What did we expect to find? Not really sure what we expected to happen. What didnā€™t we expect? To find we are turned on by our partner being pleased, and doing the pleasing. We didnā€™t expect to make real friendships outside the play place (which we REALLY enjoy). We didnā€™t expect to learn as much about ourselves as we have. Are there things that annoy us? Of course, but that is life. Grocery shopping is annoying when the bread you like is out of stock (example of a frustrating experience in a specific context). Like flaky people in the lifestyle. Overall it has been positive for us.
EVILDOERS wrote:

What is it about the four-way connection? I'm not necessarily disagreeing at all, but what is the typical impediment to four people finding enough in common or enough attraction to fuck? To paraphrase an old adage comparing pizza to sex, even BAD sex can be fairly good. LOL Is it our own expectations of perfection in a potential playmate? Is it, perhaps, that we see our partner with a somewhat better connection with the other half of a couple and we're jealous? Are many or most couples that terribly mismatched that one of us feels like we're taking one for the team? Or is our partner somehow just less "picky" than we are when it comes to an extracurricular sex partner? These are questions that keep me up at night. LOL
Good question. When we first started about 10 years ago, we managed to have an easier time finding this four way connection. Thinking back, I think it may have been a few things. We were more anxious to "get to it", we didn't really know we had a choice...thought it was just expected, if you wanted to play this game......and lastly....we tended to hook up with the newer couples, like us.
WifeyNeedsNew wrote:

Because the four way for us, isnt a fuck-n-done. We like to stay in contact, arrange future meets where everyone is ever more comfortable and lets loose even more. But most we dont get past the first meet. We are very content in our marriage, but its nice to know we are thought of past an orgasm and something more wanted in the future.
EVIL we have had several circumstances where the sex was good, but the ghosting or drama afterwards kind of killed it. May just be us, but thats not our scene.
Sounds like us...yep!
Couple different perspectives because originally my ex signed us up on this site. I had a blast in college doing all the things people were calling swinging but I was just partying. 3 somes, group, house parties. When the ex signed us up there were many more from Florida than now. The ex and I started with pillow talk and told him about my college playing. At the time and still there are quite a few swing clubs. The largest being Trapeze. Still had many friends playing around that I was still great friends with, so first experience as a couple was at Trapeze with several other couples, our age and older couples. They were having a Halloween party, it was a lot of fun, the exā€™s eyes almost popped out of his head just like his penis. I did feel as I had to make sure he was alright constantly. Much different then going there as a single. People are talking about how hard it is for four different personalities to connect which wasnā€™t a problem for me but making sure the ex was alright. Probably canā€™t complain because I knew most of the people and he didnā€™t. What did help is having a party at our place so he could meet all my friends and others I had met at clubs and parties. It was a blast. Over time the marriage wasnā€™t on its way up but the one thing that was always good was sex. His grasp of money and paying bills was much different than mine. If I had any complaint with him he was a rule guy, just remember telling him to calm down and it all will work out fine. As said I had been playing with these people for years. Remember my gfs and even their husbands rolling their eyes when he would start in. At the end the jealous bug got him as well. Just figured at the end, he just didnā€™t have the mind for it. Still to this day meet others like him, you would think they would be happier not present. Am really enjoying myself today, play often, almost all my good friends are into this in one way or another. I have my rules but they are mine, donā€™t impose them on anyone, more like I donā€™t meet single guys or married guys with a pass alone. Really donā€™t have a need to meet new friends, if I am looking for a guy my gfs lend me their husband. Itā€™s just easy as how it should be, you shouldnā€™t have to work at having sex!
Unicorns in the Swinger community aren't Actual Unicorns. I was so bummed.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ff/2e/54/ff2e54f2ca5c09a877fb04d84bc562a4.jpg
Liar! They ARE real...they ARE!

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/14/d1/86/14d186cb7e26c73686a210e4173f386a.jpg
I've never met this guy at ANY Meet-n-Greets. Just sayin. And the outfit is fake. FAKE I tell ya.
I am new to this. My girlfriend is not. my presumptions were and are that we must have the same preferences. like a single female. both prefer. The presumption that both of us and the female involved must like each other beyond general looks attraction. That boundaries of every person will be respected period. That some interaction is good with the 3rd person, like BBQ, or some other forms of entertainment but its not a move a friend in type deal either. Not a everyday swing thing and not a seeking to just go hit it alone. This i believe is supposed to fit the basic relationship guidelines and only enhance whats already there. Just "HONEST" fun. Friends with benefits for couples. She said i was pretty spot on and feels %100 secure getting back into it with me. I have wanted to for quite some time but the right circumstances never came about till now. It would be nice to have some success in this attempt at the lifestyle but if not, that ok to.
Obviously... otherwise i wouldnā€™t have said it! It is possible that peopleā€™s relationships change. I was married for a few years and we were in the lifestyle together. Anymore stupid questions youā€™d like to ask?
#kidsatplay our only secret is we donā€™t have narrow parameters or an expectation so we never have uncomfortable moments of disappointment. We like just about everyone we meet, we may not want to get naked but that does not mean we have a bad time.

So whatā€™s your secret kidsatplay?
Loverofthewife wrote:

The biggest surprise for me has been how fun and friendly people in the LS generally are. We donā€™t play much as a couple in the Utah scene, but we have had great experiences at resorts. When I met a swinger couple for the first time at a resort, I was scared that all of the swingers in the group were going to jump me. I didnā€™t make eye contact, replied to their questions with short answers, and just generally avoided any conversations because I was afraid they would seduce me. šŸ˜
Now, a few years later, itā€™s easy to spot the newbies. They donā€™t make eye contact, avoid conversation, etc. I want to just straight up tell themā€”Iā€™m not going to rape you! I am just being friendly, lol!
Another surprise to me was how women-lead the LS is. Most couples that we have met say they follow the lead of the woman. She chooses the who and the when.


THIS - we had no expectations, so we have not been disappointed. We did have a few ā€˜trainwrecksā€™ along the way - learning ā€˜the ropesā€™, mostly because Mr Sweet didnā€™t do his homework. Weā€™ve been surprised by how much we crave more and better relationships. This LS has exceeded anything we even fantasized about. Uber cool people - cherished friendships, just not enough time to meet so many great people ... or get naked with them (grin).
Loverofthewife wrote:


Another surprise to me was how women-lead the LS is. Most couples that we have met say they follow the lead of the woman. She chooses the who and the when.


That's true for us, and the surprising (and frustrating) thing is how many profiles hide any view of the man. So not surprisingly, my woman has no interest in that couple. I don't understand why so few men comprehend that to play with us they need to appeal to the woman.
If you join any site thinking it's going to be a F*** fest, save your money. This is just another way to meet people in a busy world you won't have a chance to meet. What happens after that just happens... Be happy stay safe
For us, one of the things that surprised us was that all swingers were not extremely gifted and intuitive lovers. We kind of expected to be out of our league with a group of people who, having ostensibly had sex with a lot of people, would be extremely adept at the art of making love but with maybe a few exceptions we were very wrong. LOL

Another big shock was what terrible kissers most swingers are. It's funny, many of them THINK they are good kissers but our experience has been that most seem to have all the skills of a 10th grade high school vigin when it comes to sensuous kissing. Has anyone else found many of their play partners to be extremely lacking when it comes to kissing skills?
All the flaky people was a suprise
We have had mixed experiences but still hopefull. Female is a great kisser. Looking for people willing to take a little time to get to know each other but worth it. Not oerfect but a lot of fun.
We weren't too surprised about the flakey people. Our experience with many vanilla friends prepared us well for people who might flake. I mean, when people you've known for YEARS (and went to school and church with!) still blow you off if a better offer comes along then why would we not expect similar from people we don't even really know who we "met" on a sex site. LOL That's one of the reasons we like to get to know people before we hop into bed and stuff. Flakey people almost always "out" themselves as flakey pretty early on (sometimes just when emailing or texting) and then we don't have to waste any more time on them. Next!
Another surprise for me was that more people didn't share a same basic principal as me. And how hard it would be to find those that do. Sure, the very best sex is with someone who you really connect with....we all get that. But I also entered into this just wanting to explore sex outside of my norms. Different body types..different heights, shapes..ages..younger...or older...Partners that might show me a different position I REALLY like, etc..Do older partners really know how the use their experience to advantage? Partners that are meant really just to explore these avenues...seem to be hard to find.
I feel Cyn and I were very fortunate with our involvement in lifestyles. We had been married only a few years when we started experimenting on our own. We knew nothing about the lifestyle and the internet was as liberal and over run with websights as it is now. We could only go to chat rooms and visit with others if they were online at the same time. Over the years we met many great couples, a few we become very close too and enjoyed spending weekends and vacations together. The club thing become a blast as we loved dancing and meeting people. There was some occasional drama but we were able to keep that in control and away from our experiences before it did any damage. The only downside was after taking a break for many years, coming back has been difficult. It seems the lifestyle has changed a lot, doesn't seem as warm and friendly as we remember. Having grown older has caused many stumbling blocks too. We aren't as attractive to others as we used to be and finding people to give us a chance to meet is very discouraging. Lifestyles is something that we found addicting, much like riding our Harleys. It is difficult not being able to pick up where we left off.
We have received as much effort as we've put in.... the lifestyle improves our relationship and in no way has disappointed us. There are random people out there that just don't work out but we've always enjoyed making friends first and having fun after!
I'm home bored, so stop here if you don't want to read a bunch of shite. lol.
I think we both entered the lifestyle with some preconceived notions of what the people in the LS would be like, but that was mostly from our limited experience with being vanilla and having LS peeps try to hit on us. It just seemed creepy, desperate and gross at the time. We assumed most of the players would be super aggressive, ready to fuck anyone and have zero interest in relationships outside of sex. Our initial entry was simply to watch and be watched. We quickly learned that there are just as many wonderful people in the LS as out of it. Maybe more. There will always be the outliers, the few percentage on each end of the spectrum that are more extreme, but that happens in any population. Overall, it was a happy surprise. So that would be a negative expectation that wasn't met.
As far as things we were hoping would happen or expectation that weren't met, we have very few. But we also went into the labyrinth without really expecting or assuming anything. I don't think we were naive enough to think that this segment of the population was somehow immune from the social characteristics that reveal themselves in any other social class or group. You will always have the "cool kids" the "shy people" the "jocks" the "geeks" the people who classify themselves as the "pity party" and blame the world for their problems. Those things will exist anywhere and should. Swingers are a diverse group of people with a few, maybe very few, common goals. Those goals I think are to meet others with social deviancy and those interested in expanding their sexual experiences or simply to meet new friends. Swinging, in itself, doesn't solidify your beliefs in anything else (politics, food preferences, choice of travel location, or even how or what you are looking for as swingers). I think that is where expectations can fail. If a person goes into a situation thinking, "I/we think "x" so everyone else must think "x" as well", they are bound to be disappointed. I've said this a lot of times, the lifestyle is not black and white. Life isn't black and white. There will be frustrations around every turn if you allow yourself to be duped into thinking your way of thinking is more than just your viewpoint, that it is universal to everyone. I see people complaining of flakes, people who meet once then run away, etc. That's how they roll. That's their truth. It's what they are comfortable with or wanting and who am I to judge. That being said, I don't have to associate with them and hopefully learn how to avoid that situation or become more efficient at finding people with similar interests. The lifestyle is work. Sometimes a lot of work. I think it's foolish to think that it should be easy to find 4 people who all jive. Think about how many people you have dated before settling on the right one for you. And to assume that somehow changes in the lifestyle and that after chatting on kik for a few weeks then meeting over drinks will somehow magically connect you. Ugh. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes not. But I wouldn't expect it. For others, the thought of any connection past the one-nighter is absurd. Why would you want to make friends with your fuck-buddies? It may be too risky and cause too many emotions. Point is, we are all different and that is what makes the journey so beautiful.
And, just a note about flakes, since it is a recurrent theme. Yes, maybe there are more flakes in the lifestyle, but I'm guessing it's specifically related to the nature of the LS. Swinging for some can be very intimidating and frightening. Sometimes the chase is much more fun than the fucking. Not excusing them that do flake, it seems a problem for sure, but I think I understand, at least in part, why it happens so much. There is so much social pressure not to be in the lifestyle and most were brought up without it being the normal way to live. So society is telling us we are wrong, gross, deviant, etc. Add to that the fear of actually getting naked and fucking someone else and it can cause a lot of anxiety in some. When we first started we were petrified to even go the parties thinking it was going to be a fuck/rape fest. lol. Turned out we were wrong but it was a learning process. Lastly, if you are already treading carefully and the couple/person you are supposed to be meeting gives off any bad vibes, maybe flaking is best. It's hard not to hurt someone's feelings and honesty isn't always what happens. I know we have been honest with couples and it turned into a shit-show. Why don't you like us? If you only meet us and give us a chance we can prove we are wonderful. Other's like us, why don't you. It's hard to be honest at times about why there isn't a connection. May flaking be a way to spare feelings? I don't know. There are probably a plethora (Hefe, do you know what a plethora is?)of reasons people flake and some of those my be that they are just douches. But likely there are other people that aren't and are just trying to get out of a situation they are unfamiliar with. Avoid the douches but maybe give those others a second chance.
Evil: always good topics you bring to the table. So you think because people like sex they should be good at it? I know a lot of people who love food but suck at cooking. haha. Maybe having too many options on the table can also make people lazy. I don't have to try hard if I know tomorrow is another partner. To some it's the quantity and not the quality. But I can see why the expectation would be there.
All in all we really have no complaints. It's been a fascination journey. Some ups, some downs, but always and adventure. We will keep our expectations low, both of ourselves and those around us. Less disappointment that way. I'm going back to sitting in my underwear, drinking a beer and watching TV. Zero expectations. haha. :)
Mr. SRO
So far, so good. Some people have dated pictures of themselves, or arenā€™t upfront about their situation as a couple. For the most part we have met some awesome people. Most of our experiences have been very erotic and fulfilling for both of us. Seems like we are now focusing on experimenting with different fantasies. Itā€™s being on the same page as the other couple that is the challenge to really explore.
SRO said: "Evil: always good topics you bring to the table. So you think because people like sex they should be good at it? I know a lot of people who love food but suck at cooking. haha. Maybe having too many options on the table can also make people lazy. I don't have to try hard if I know tomorrow is another partner. To some it's the quantity and not the quality. But I can see why the expectation would be there."

While I agree with your premise in principle, I would argue that by sheer repetition alone swingers would eventually have to get at least a LITTLE better at sex...or succumb to swinger Darwinism and 'de-select' themselves from the lifestyle. LOL
EVILDOERS wrote:


While I agree with your premise in principle, I would argue that by sheer repetition alone swingers would eventually have to get at least a LITTLE better at sex...or succumb to swinger Darwinism and 'de-select' themselves from the lifestyle. LOL


hmmm . . . me thinks thou does't protest too much! šŸ˜‰šŸ¤£

I guess we've just been lucky . . . or we are too low in our 'circulation' - but, we've had GREAT experiences (so far)! šŸ˜ŠšŸ˜‰
How challenging it is for a truly legitimate married man with a VERIFIABLE hall pass to find single women and/or married women with hall passes. It seems to be automatically assumed that we are cheating. Also the fact that the majority (95% plus) of messages sent to people go unanswered. Even a thank and not interested is better than nothing.
Chato8 wrote:

How challenging it is for a truly legitimate married man with a VERIFIABLE hall pass to find single women and/or married women with hall passes. It seems to be automatically assumed that we are cheating. Also the fact that the majority (95% plus) of messages sent to people go unanswered. Even a thank and not interested is better than nothing.


We've never really done the "single" thing except for once when it evolved into that with a couple we had become very close friends with. But I can only imagine that that being a married male with a verified hall pass probably isn't all that different from being a regular old single male. Those who are looking for single males are definitely in the minority and the sheer number of single males DEFINITELY makes it a buyers market. Since you have a partner, have you considered trying the couples thing with, say, a couple who might be predisposed to eventually doing things on a separate basis? Just spitballing. But I'm enjoying the feedback to my question as to what people's expectations were for the lifestyle and what they actually found the lifestyle to be.