Completely giving yourself to the one you love...riding bareback while looking into each other's eyes between kissing....and looking deep into the eyes to the brink of orgasm....to me, this is the deepest and most sacred (not in the religious sense) of acts. The mix of physical and emotional connection is synergistic.
For the full-on swappers out there: How do you separate emotional attachment from the raw sexual gratification? Can you allow yourselves some level of attachment during the act to get a fuller effect ...then, without issues, fully detach upon completion?
Given my wife and I have not been with anyone else since we were 15 years old, it is difficult to envision what all this is like. I can certainly imagine the excitement of experiencing something new and different. However, having no experience, the lines of emotion and raw physical gratification elude me.
For the full-on swappers out there: How do you separate emotional attachment from the raw sexual gratification? Can you allow yourselves some level of attachment during the act to get a fuller effect ...then, without issues, fully detach upon completion?
Given my wife and I have not been with anyone else since we were 15 years old, it is difficult to envision what all this is like. I can certainly imagine the excitement of experiencing something new and different. However, having no experience, the lines of emotion and raw physical gratification elude me.
We had the same thought and decided we would seek friends with benefits. For me there is a minimal emotional attachment. We don't jump in bed with anyone we don't have a connection with, in Turn respectfulness and a certain amount of caring. Thats just our preference. Personally if I'm worried about her and if she's ok and the guy is treating her right I can't even physically perform so that's why we seek a connection and a level of trust first. Besides, lifestyle folks make the best friends anyway.
Hi. Read your thread. We are Tammy and Derich, not new to this but have taken a few years off and are starting to get back into it. If you guys wanna talk message us.
I am the same way with the guy I’m seeing. He lost his v card to me around that age and since then he has only been with me. we do a lot of solo play I’m the only one that plays. Tho New Years we are planning on doing a full swap
We are super new to this but we believe sex is primal. Monogamy is nothing more than a social construct created by religion to control the masses passed down for centuries.
I think it's actually kind of hard to explain to someone who hasn't done it. And it certainly is something that not everyone is hardwired to do, but it IS possible and relatively easy to separate the two in our opinion. Ms. Evil, however, was skeptical, initially, and had the same concerns when we first started. We actually remained "soft" swappers for like the first two years. Once she tried it and realized it was all in her head and mostly a construct of her strict Mormon upbringing she quickly overcame those fears/concerns and hasn't looked back. LOL
From our perspective, there's absolutely no connection between sex and love. As skicouple801 said, society, driven through religion, has created that connection (mostly to control women). It's bullshit. Sex is a biological, not emotional act.
Agree to all that has been stated. Physical attraction and animal magnetism are entirely different than "making love" Neither of us have ever crossed the line into emotional need or desire of somebody else. Not to say that emotions are not involved to some extent but the emotions felt and shared while having sex with others are not related to those that we share with one another.
We have been together for 39 years and married for 38 years. Our time together has been extremely passionate, and gratifying in so many ways beyond the passion. We have been swinging for 15 maybe a 16 years. Our relationship is just so center stage, we really don’t worry much at all about whether or not either one of us ends up developing some feelings for someone else. Jealously, unresolved, often does more harm than good in a relationship. We take a great deal of pleasure in one another’s pleasure. We tend to care about and like people that care about either of us, and that either of us care about. Stronger connections only enhance any potential sexual intimacy . Jealousy isn’t, or, so far, hasn’t been an issue.
The combination of passion, emotion, pleasure, and love that we experience as husband and wife cannot be duplicated in play with others. We have fun playing with others, and it is very exciting to do so. Heck, that's why we do it. These experiences with others are fun to talk about during our lovemaking but it is never on the same level and that is not a bad thing.
The love you have for your spouse or significant other is as you described...emotional and connected. The feelings for other lovers for us is like that of a friend...with some exceptional benefits. Sometimes its just people you like and sometimes its a deep connection like what you have with any dear friend except its much more intimate. We are lucky enough to have had those experiences and we have many good swinger friends in Houston and the SLC area as well. We would have no problem with these people being at family gatherings and any other vanilla situation.
It has honestly never even been even a hint of an issue with us. I think to be successful and flourish in this LS, you have to have an elevated level of trust and openness with your partner. And assuming you have that, guess what, your love and caring for each other are there equally high too. With us, I dont want feelings for another because I already have that utopia my partner. We did this wanting to just spice things up solely, but it 100% has improved our marriage. We talk more, are more open with each other, we reconnect, and our love life has been better than honeymoon night since starting this. She is more cemented as my lover and life partner than ever before.
And agreed with much of the above. Sex with another is about physical pleasure alone. Sure we care about others as close friends, but I dont think once I have gathered feelings, and do not desire to. because I already have them, with my soul mate. Playing is great in that you feel wanted and desired by someone other than your spouse. But instead of it turning into feelings, it makes you appreciate your SO even more, and it fuels yourslelves like you wouldnt believe. Please feel free to message us, happy to answer whatever
And agreed with much of the above. Sex with another is about physical pleasure alone. Sure we care about others as close friends, but I dont think once I have gathered feelings, and do not desire to. because I already have them, with my soul mate. Playing is great in that you feel wanted and desired by someone other than your spouse. But instead of it turning into feelings, it makes you appreciate your SO even more, and it fuels yourslelves like you wouldnt believe. Please feel free to message us, happy to answer whatever
Loverofthewife wrote:Canvas wrote:
Completely giving yourself to the one you love...riding bareback while looking into each other's eyes between kissing....and looking deep into the eyes to the brink of orgasm....to me, this is the deepest and most sacred (not in the religious sense) of acts. The mix of physical and emotional connection is synergistic.
For the full-on swappers out there: How do you separate emotional attachment from the raw sexual gratification? Can you allow yourselves some level of attachment during the act to get a fuller effect ...then, without issues, fully detach upon completion?
Given my wife and I have not been with anyone else since we were 15 years old, it is difficult to envision what all this is like. Obviously, I can imagine and even long for the excitement of experiencing someone new and different. However, having no experience, the lines of emotion and raw physical gratification elude me.
Why do you need to detach upon completion? Why not have a raging crush for the mistress/mister on the side? Wade in slowly, be 100% honest with your spouse, and a little romance is fun. Spices up your life & your spouse also gets to benefit...
IMO if you need and seek an emotional bond (beyond friendship) from someone other than your spouse or significant other that clearly shows your needs are unfortunately not being met, and is a sad state of a relationship. I assume most swingers are swingers for purely physical sexual diversity, and probably don’t want their partner to connect with someone who is looking for a romantic connection (is looking for love in all the wrong places 🎶 lol) ... good luck
Interesting thread. Always enjoy adding some different insights into the fray. First off, the question about how to "separate emotional attachment from the raw sexual gratification" is something specific to a given couple/person, but not necessary or even desired by many lifestyle people. If that is a goal you are aiming to achieve then that is great for you and something you can work on together. It takes honest, open communication, trust and the ability to see pitfalls and avoiding those. However, many of our friends don't want a casual encounter. The thought of sex without a deep connection is not what they are looking for. Some go so far as to be polyamorous, which on the surface appears to be loving two people, possibly in the same manor and with equal amounts of passion, love and desire for the non-spouse partner. Some people will barely want to know your name. They want to meet, make sure there is some connection, bang boots for the night, then quickly separate and go back to their partners. This may be the ideal situation for some if you are worried about your spouse creating a connection that you feel is to strong with another person. Or, maybe you just enjoy the sex and don't care for any bonding. There isn't any right or wrong answers. You will see endless debates on the forums about the "right way" to swing, or statements like "why are people on the site if they aren't willing to fuck others all the time." Swinging is about fucking, that's it. Well, that may be their truth, but that's all it is. So, after all that, what I'm trying to say, is that if your goal is to maintain a line between sex and emotion or connection, it is definitely possible and many on here are expert at that. But, there is always a possibility that what you want to happen and what really happens are very different. And you may be pressured by others for something that differs from your goals.
I'm sure there have been a few instances where the couple started out as only wanting sex and then eventually things happened and perhaps it went so far as to ruin the initial marriage because the spouse, or spouses, fell in love with someone else. It's a concern, to be certain. It may be what your initial question is alluding to. How to swing without causing chaos or failure in the marriage? Swinging can be dangerous and even fatal to a marriage, even a great marriage. If you are stepping into the lifestyle world it is best, in my opinion, to have a set of guidelines each of you follow. If boundaries get pushed, you communicate and reevaluate. Is the lifestyle for you? What are your goals? What are the dangers and how do you avoid those. Is it even worth it?
I think what a lot of people go through is an initial state where they want to move slowly and cautiously. It's smart. You say things like "we will never do this." Well, give it time. Your needs may change as may your ideas about what you will or won't do. Most seem to progress and from what I have seen it doesn't take long before people feel a lot more comfortable being in situations they never would have thought possible. That's part of the thrill of the lifestyle. So many different experiences and so many different people. So maybe you start super slow and 6 months from now you are laughing that you even asked such a question. Or maybe you play with a couple and realize there is no way for you the both of you to separate sex from emotion and you never play again.
So to answer your questions, yes, it is possible, for some, to separate completely afterwards and for some it is mandatory. Is it possible for you? No real way to tell until you do it. I would stick with couples who are looking for the same and who are also looking for a quick detach. It may make it easier for you. Keep in mind your views will change. Experiences can't help but forge a new you. It's an exciting new venture but it sounds like you have some reservations. Keep those close, talk about them with your spouse and only do what you two feel comfortable with. Don't ever let others convince you that their was is the right way. This is your journey. You two make it exactly the way you want.
I'm sure there have been a few instances where the couple started out as only wanting sex and then eventually things happened and perhaps it went so far as to ruin the initial marriage because the spouse, or spouses, fell in love with someone else. It's a concern, to be certain. It may be what your initial question is alluding to. How to swing without causing chaos or failure in the marriage? Swinging can be dangerous and even fatal to a marriage, even a great marriage. If you are stepping into the lifestyle world it is best, in my opinion, to have a set of guidelines each of you follow. If boundaries get pushed, you communicate and reevaluate. Is the lifestyle for you? What are your goals? What are the dangers and how do you avoid those. Is it even worth it?
I think what a lot of people go through is an initial state where they want to move slowly and cautiously. It's smart. You say things like "we will never do this." Well, give it time. Your needs may change as may your ideas about what you will or won't do. Most seem to progress and from what I have seen it doesn't take long before people feel a lot more comfortable being in situations they never would have thought possible. That's part of the thrill of the lifestyle. So many different experiences and so many different people. So maybe you start super slow and 6 months from now you are laughing that you even asked such a question. Or maybe you play with a couple and realize there is no way for you the both of you to separate sex from emotion and you never play again.
So to answer your questions, yes, it is possible, for some, to separate completely afterwards and for some it is mandatory. Is it possible for you? No real way to tell until you do it. I would stick with couples who are looking for the same and who are also looking for a quick detach. It may make it easier for you. Keep in mind your views will change. Experiences can't help but forge a new you. It's an exciting new venture but it sounds like you have some reservations. Keep those close, talk about them with your spouse and only do what you two feel comfortable with. Don't ever let others convince you that their was is the right way. This is your journey. You two make it exactly the way you want.
Thanks for the insight, everyone! Fascinating stuff to me.
To let it be known, I do not disagree with the idea that sex is primal, or that monogamy is a social construct created by religion. My questions about this was solely out of curiosity... and on a deeper level of connection that is difficult for me to articulate. Of course, as is the case of individual personality traits, so too will we have our individual sexual fingerprints.
Some very good responses here. Thanks again and keep'em coming.
To let it be known, I do not disagree with the idea that sex is primal, or that monogamy is a social construct created by religion. My questions about this was solely out of curiosity... and on a deeper level of connection that is difficult for me to articulate. Of course, as is the case of individual personality traits, so too will we have our individual sexual fingerprints.
Some very good responses here. Thanks again and keep'em coming.
Calvin4u wrote:
We trust each other because we have each others best interests in mind and know that we aren't out looking for something we are missing from the other person.
Thanks for your post. Appreciated. Question though. When you say you "aren't out looking for something you are missing from the other person", I assume this is something on the emotional level. Correct? After all, isn't one of the reasons many swing or practice poly relationships, is to experience something new...something different, something their partner doesn't have... such as some physical characteristic they are curious to experience? Or did my tangled brain miss something?
Calvin4u wrote:
That SAID, it doesn't negate that these other relationships beyond your primary do in fact have things in them that the other relationship doesn't... like, anal. Or... every Tuesday availability... or, red hair. Or... but they aren't SEEKing that as a means for fulfillment. Does that make sense?
Thanks for clarifying Poly relationships. And yes, I think I understand the rest. Of course, the key words are "I think". Feel free to expound a little more if you'd like.
What you can see in this thread are many different perspectives as seen through many different lenses and experiences. All this talk is clear indication that there is a broad range across the lifestyle from raw physical gratification to the emotions of polyamory and every combination in between. As long as it's managed appropriately in a healthy and consensual manner, there is no right or wrong answer despite what some may say. Unfortunately, the rub is in presuming that baseline and navigating accordingly because there are plenty here and elsewhere masking their intentions instead of communicating openly, even between partners. We used to think LS folks must be the most well adjusted, polite, confident, nonjudgmental, and courteous communicators there could ever be. Simply not true. Many are just that, but people are people.
At the end of the day, your best chance at success in this is to be true to your partner in all that you choose.
At the end of the day, your best chance at success in this is to be true to your partner in all that you choose.
SexyPowSkiers wrote:
What you can see in this thread are many different perspectives as seen through many different lenses and experiences. All this talk is clear indication that there is a broad range across the lifestyle from raw physical gratification to the emotions of polyamory and every combination in between. As long as it's managed appropriately in a healthy and consensual manner, there is no right or wrong answer despite what some may say. Unfortunately, the rub is in presuming that baseline and navigating accordingly because there are plenty here and elsewhere masking their intentions instead of communicating openly, even between partners. We used to think LS folks must be the most well adjusted, polite, confident, nonjudgmental, and courteous communicators there could ever be. Simply not true. Many are just that, but people are people.
At the end of the day, your best chance at success in this is to be true to your partner in all that you choose.
We have found this thread to be a stimulating and insightful read. Your comments are in accord with our perspective.
SexyPowSkiers wrote:
We used to think LS folks must be the most well adjusted, polite, confident, nonjudgmental, and courteous communicators there could ever be. Simply not true. Many are just that, but people are people.
At the end of the day, your best chance at success in this is to be true to your partner in all that you choose.
Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful reply. Appreciated!
From 3 months of heavy lurking on this site, I've gotten the vibes you speak of.