I know that some couples in swinging just want to get to the main course (sex) in swinging and then move on down the buffet line to the next entree (fresh meat). Others, of course, prefer to take a little more time and develop some level of trust and/or friendship. But even then there seems to be somewhat of a rush to get to the point of actually having sex.
To me, that dynamic has always seemed just a little bit artificial or even forced, somewhat. I mean, most of us. when we were dating our significant others, we probably took things a little slower, moving from, say, holding hands to kissing to maybe petting to, eventually, having sex.
I've been wondering lately if perhaps slowing things down just a little would allow the desire to build a little more organically as well as allowing ourselves the time and space to learn what really turns our potential play partners on and, ultimately, make the sex even better once it finally happens.
Does that kind of approach appeal to anyone else or am I just completely off my rocker? Don't pull any punches if you think I'm totally nuts and should quit swinging and go back to playing spin the bottle with drunk vanillas.
To me, that dynamic has always seemed just a little bit artificial or even forced, somewhat. I mean, most of us. when we were dating our significant others, we probably took things a little slower, moving from, say, holding hands to kissing to maybe petting to, eventually, having sex.
I've been wondering lately if perhaps slowing things down just a little would allow the desire to build a little more organically as well as allowing ourselves the time and space to learn what really turns our potential play partners on and, ultimately, make the sex even better once it finally happens.
Does that kind of approach appeal to anyone else or am I just completely off my rocker? Don't pull any punches if you think I'm totally nuts and should quit swinging and go back to playing spin the bottle with drunk vanillas.
we're finding that most so called couples us the husband trying to get some on the side wife's not into it
Desryan wrote:
We really like to get to know the people we are hooking up with first.
As do we. What I'm asking is whether or not, even after you get to know another couple better, it would be exciting to slowly build, perhaps over several or even more playdates, to slowly ramp up the physical contact until the anticipation is almost overwhelming before you actually have sex with a new play partner?
I was talking to a friend online who was telling me how unbelievably hot it was once when he was very attracted to a woman he worked with. They, of course, just talked at first. Then flirted. Then there was casual touching along with the flirting, and that soon led to quick kisses in the break room soon followed by intense make-out sessions in the supply closet and, ultimately, passionate sex in the restroom after the everyone else had gone home for the day.
He mentioned that the slow build-up made it so much sexier than other hook-ups he'd had with other women. THAT was the main theme of this post and why I wondered if that dynamic could possibly transfer to a swinging situation or if swinging is uniquely different and therefore wouldn't lend itself to the slow build-up and burn.
He mentioned that the slow build-up made it so much sexier than other hook-ups he'd had with other women. THAT was the main theme of this post and why I wondered if that dynamic could possibly transfer to a swinging situation or if swinging is uniquely different and therefore wouldn't lend itself to the slow build-up and burn.
EVILDOERS wrote:
Does that kind of approach appeal to anyone else or am I just completely off my rocker?
I've seen your posts. I'm not sure these two things are mutually exclusive. 😋
But seriously, it sounds appealing to me. With adult schedules being what they are it would take living in close proximity and being able to get together pretty regularly, but that's ideal for us anyway.
Could be fun to try.
Definitely slow down
We don't mind a slow build up. It does make it nicer when you finally get intimate. But, how long is the build up? It took me several weeks of seeing my wife almost daily when we started dating. We're not going to wait that long. Haha!
We prefer slowly building up. Have a fun conversation, play some card games or watch a funny movie, enjoy a drink or two, and let the clothes come off gradually. There is no race to bust a nut or get the woman to orgasm as quickly as possible. What fun is in that?
Nah, better to warm up the body, feel nice and loose, and seeing a smile is always priceless especially with devilish eyes.
And most important, have fun with multiple orgasms! Love trying to come up for air after the 3rd or 4th thrust to my face. . . the taste is so much better.
Nah, better to warm up the body, feel nice and loose, and seeing a smile is always priceless especially with devilish eyes.
And most important, have fun with multiple orgasms! Love trying to come up for air after the 3rd or 4th thrust to my face. . . the taste is so much better.
That's a lot.... did ya'll cramp up typing this? Whew !
On the topic, we are always friends first... it makes the actual play much better ( in our own humble opinion )
On the topic, we are always friends first... it makes the actual play much better ( in our own humble opinion )
DELICIOUSLYWET wrote:
A nice, slow, buildup might be ideal. In the vanilla world, the buildup often begins long before the first date. You meet a co-worker, or a fellow student, or someone who you see at the coffee shop, and there is some immediate attraction, and eventually you connect on a more physical level. If we are hoping to make those sort of connections, within the swinging lifestyle community, then we are going to have to find a way to run into lifestyle people frequently, and casually. If there is no, or limited opportunities to just run into swingers, enough to build relationships like that, then the way we end up meeting is through dating. If you are swiping right and you are vanilla dating, online, if there is shared chemistry and attraction, you will have a second date and so on and so forth. If the chemistry is super hot, even in the vanilla world, people sometimes fuck on the first date. If the sexual intimacy was superb, that might just accelerate the depth of the shared communications, the amount, and the quality of the time together. The way we see it, if there is some super hot chemistry, on a swinging date, if sexual intimacy happens, the same sort of acceleration in the relationship might happen. It might not. If it doesn't and the sex was good, well, good sex beats mowing the lawn.
For us, we raised five kids, who all grew up to be happy, healthy successful adults. All but one of our kids have significant others. Some have kids, which makes us grandparents. Our kids and our grandkids, really like us, love us, and we really like and love them, so we spend a lot of time together. We have friends from work and friends from the neighborhood, and we have jobs. Seriously, dating, at the level we dated, when we were wooing each other, in terms of time, well we just don't have it. If non-monogamy was the openly celebrated norm, and friends openly fucked each other, as a normal part of a friendship, then we would all just naturally end up in those sorts of relationships. Well, except the assholes. Assholes don't flow into meaningful relationships. They take advantage of people's vulnerabilities and loneliness. Manipulation isn't friendship. Demanding people, who wish to break you into the vision of their expectations don't want to be your friend. No give, just take. You'll never be able to give them enough. You owe them nothing, and yet, they will shame you for not giving them exactly what they want when they want it. If we can all just avoid the assholes, then what we do get to share with good caring people, is a privilege and for lack of a better term, a blessing. Good people, reaching out, accept and defend each other's vulnerabilities, even if that means some disappointment and patience, and that takes an honest caring person. Sexual desire honestly expressed is surrounded with vulnerability, and romance even more. I changed subjects there for a moment. Since what swingers do is considered taboo, as a social norm, then that leaves dating. Let's face it. Dating is hit and miss, when it comes to making a lasting connection. When four people are involved dating becomes maybe a bit more complicated. We are not apposed to the slow burn buildup. If we meet someone and there is a spark, that is the motivation. If there really is a nice shared spark, and they want to jump ahead and build the fire, we probably won't say no.
We don’t see anything wrong with playing "spin the bottle" with tipsy vanillas. 😇
And the slower approach that Evil describes certainly appeals to us.
First and foremost we got into this to make friends with similar interests, physical attributes and life experiences as us and if anything of a sexual nature were to happen...it’s always considered a bonus, but certainly not expected.
And the slower approach that Evil describes certainly appeals to us.
First and foremost we got into this to make friends with similar interests, physical attributes and life experiences as us and if anything of a sexual nature were to happen...it’s always considered a bonus, but certainly not expected.
SOMEWHERENTIME wrote:
We don’t see anything wrong with playing "spin the bottle" with tipsy vanillas. 😇
And the slower approach that Evil describes certainly appeals to us.
First and foremost we got into this to make friends with similar interests, physical attributes and life experiences as us and if anything of a sexual nature were to happen...it’s always considered a bonus, but certainly not expected.
That is exactly how and why we got into the lifestyle. Well said.
Great sex, like revenge, is best served with a warm appetizer, a steamy main course, then cherries flambe for dessert. The French believe in several courses with a little sorbet between to whet (wet?) the appetite. The longer and more excruciating the wait, more anticipated the final course.
Only a connoisseur of fine relationships can appreciate the rewards of delayed gratification.
Only a connoisseur of fine relationships can appreciate the rewards of delayed gratification.
Slow and steady is how we prefer it, we're not really into the buffet style.
LILMISSRIDINGHOOD wrote:
Great sex, like revenge, is best served with a warm appetizer, a steamy main course, then cherries flambe for dessert. The French believe in several courses with a little sorbet between to whet (wet?) the appetite. The longer and more excruciating the wait, more anticipated the final course.
Only a connoisseur of fine relationships can appreciate the rewards of delayed gratification.
Wow! Excellent response, MISSRIDING! In fact, a lot of these posts are really really good and better/more than I'd anticipated when I started this thread. Good to know that we're not the only ones who enjoy a little bit, or maybe occasionally a LOT, of build-up and some delayed gratification to make that first, long-anticipated taste of entree so exquisite.
Yes!!! My wife has to have a connection to even think about getting sexy. We are so in that boat looking to know a fun couple to hang out with and have similar interests.
Exactly how we feel, yet it seems like everyone just wants that wam bam thank ya maam and on to the next. We prefer the repeat customers because the next time or two or hopefully more around everyone will be more comfortable therefore have more fun.
We like that approach as well. You’ve got some valid points.
Exactly!!!!!
Same here
SOMEWHERENTIME mostly said it for us. To elaborate, we believe the best sex organ is between your ears, not your legs, and it should be stroked too. We all have our physical criteria, but it's just exponentially better when it gets just a bit deeper and less strange. I'm not talking about polyamory, but simply exhibiting enough self discipline to allow the anticipation to build. Talking back and forth... Talking with your partner... Repeat... Then finally unleashing it when you can say with confidence you know what gets your new friends off! I'm getting turned on just typing this!
Anyway, every situation and couple is different. If things are clicking and it feels right, then maybe your head and your heart aren't slowing things down. Still, that doesn't mean it should be a quick one and done. If you can establish a connection then trust, being more comfortable, eliminating drama, and increased pleasure are more likely to result in a successful experience. Under those conditions boundaries might even get extended when otherwise they wouldn't. I know it works that way for us. Then suddenly it's time to edit our profile to include more "yes" answers. Or at least for those people who were patient and made us so slutty. ;-)
Anyway, every situation and couple is different. If things are clicking and it feels right, then maybe your head and your heart aren't slowing things down. Still, that doesn't mean it should be a quick one and done. If you can establish a connection then trust, being more comfortable, eliminating drama, and increased pleasure are more likely to result in a successful experience. Under those conditions boundaries might even get extended when otherwise they wouldn't. I know it works that way for us. Then suddenly it's time to edit our profile to include more "yes" answers. Or at least for those people who were patient and made us so slutty. ;-)
Love to have a proper friendship with a couple to start with dinner, drinks, intelligent conversations. and then meet again until all of us feel comfortable and at that point start to explore other side of
We were just chatting about this last night, until the Mr informed me that this was already recently(ish) brought up. I really do like the idea of taking the time to get to know people, and then maybe taking a more gradual approach to the sex. Heck, even when we do the chat > meet for dinner > sex format, it's nice to sit down and chat for a bit instead of jumping to rending of clothes and getting physical.
Extending boundaries is absolutely something I think we're much more open to now, versus when we first started doing this 13 years ago. I think that while I don't consider swinging a "character building exercise" it certainly has had a positive impact on our personalities as we've been doing it off and on over the years.
Will there always be boundaries that get extended with every couple? Probably not, and in some instances, there will be certain situations where interactions with people will compel boundaries to be created after the fact. But taking the time to get to know people and slow things down a bit will allow either a buildup of trust, or allow us to recognize some of the patterns of behavior that are hard crossing of boundaries and be able to walk away.
Ultimately our collective goal is to have fun, and on a personal level for myself, I look forward to the possibility of learning something new about myself when we have new play partners.
SexyPowSkiers wrote:
If you can establish a connection then trust, being more comfortable, eliminating drama, and increased pleasure are more likely to result in a successful experience. Under those conditions boundaries might even get extended when otherwise they wouldn't. I know it works that way for us. Then suddenly it's time to edit our profile to include more "yes" answers. Or at least for those people who were patient and made us so slutty. ;-)
Extending boundaries is absolutely something I think we're much more open to now, versus when we first started doing this 13 years ago. I think that while I don't consider swinging a "character building exercise" it certainly has had a positive impact on our personalities as we've been doing it off and on over the years.
Will there always be boundaries that get extended with every couple? Probably not, and in some instances, there will be certain situations where interactions with people will compel boundaries to be created after the fact. But taking the time to get to know people and slow things down a bit will allow either a buildup of trust, or allow us to recognize some of the patterns of behavior that are hard crossing of boundaries and be able to walk away.
Ultimately our collective goal is to have fun, and on a personal level for myself, I look forward to the possibility of learning something new about myself when we have new play partners.