We had an experience last night that, for the life of us, we cannot understand. Maybe someone here can shed some light on why these things happen. We met a couple from here about a week ago. We have had extensive chats with these people on messenger, exchanged pics, and even chated on webcam with all 4 of us present. They were coming here for the weekend and agreed to meet us for some sexual fun. Now let me state that there was no question that sex is what we all had in mind.
They came to our house and we spent an hour or so talking and laughing and generally getting to know each other. Everything seemed great. We went out to dinner and to another bar, listened to a band there, had some more drinks, and were having a great time. There was no indication that anything was wrong. The plan from the very beginning was for them to come back to our house and have sex with us. They even left their car at the house. They gave us no indication that we were un-appealing to them. Everything seemed to be GO. When we got home, they spent quite awhile outside in the driveway talking after we had gone inside. We wondered if they had left. I went outside and asked if everything was ok, and he said that they were discussing the " pros and cons."
Shortly thereafter, they came inside. He indicated that maybe there were some insecurities on his part about this whole thing. Like he thought that we were attracted to her, but not him. We assured him that this was not the case and that we certainly had no intention of stealing his girl. It seemed that maybe he was afraid of that happening. Again we spent a good while socializing, telling stories, jokes, etc, etc. We thought that bringing out a sex board game that we had would break the ice, but they wouldn't play and finally they left, apologizing and saying maybe we could get together today. Right!
Now here's my point. We realize that there are people on these sites that are only fantasizing and really have no intention of ever playing, but if that was the case, why did they agree to meet us in the first place. We certainly don't want to force anyone to do anything, and we don't have any problem just meeting new people without having sex, but our primary motive in meeting people who are supposedly " in the lifestyle" is to have sex. They knew this and gave every indication that this is what they also wanted. We had another couple that had invited us to their home last night which we declined because of our plans with these people. We also spent quite a bit of money on dinner, drinks, and what not. We could have worked yesterday and today and made some money. Can't work today, too hungover, LOL.
Why do people do this? Why are they in the lifestyle? What the f#!*k is going on? They could have told us that they were unsure, and we would have told them to wait until they were sure. It was a total waste of our time and our money. And my hard-on! LOL.
Anyone have any idea why this shit happens?
They came to our house and we spent an hour or so talking and laughing and generally getting to know each other. Everything seemed great. We went out to dinner and to another bar, listened to a band there, had some more drinks, and were having a great time. There was no indication that anything was wrong. The plan from the very beginning was for them to come back to our house and have sex with us. They even left their car at the house. They gave us no indication that we were un-appealing to them. Everything seemed to be GO. When we got home, they spent quite awhile outside in the driveway talking after we had gone inside. We wondered if they had left. I went outside and asked if everything was ok, and he said that they were discussing the " pros and cons."
Shortly thereafter, they came inside. He indicated that maybe there were some insecurities on his part about this whole thing. Like he thought that we were attracted to her, but not him. We assured him that this was not the case and that we certainly had no intention of stealing his girl. It seemed that maybe he was afraid of that happening. Again we spent a good while socializing, telling stories, jokes, etc, etc. We thought that bringing out a sex board game that we had would break the ice, but they wouldn't play and finally they left, apologizing and saying maybe we could get together today. Right!
Now here's my point. We realize that there are people on these sites that are only fantasizing and really have no intention of ever playing, but if that was the case, why did they agree to meet us in the first place. We certainly don't want to force anyone to do anything, and we don't have any problem just meeting new people without having sex, but our primary motive in meeting people who are supposedly " in the lifestyle" is to have sex. They knew this and gave every indication that this is what they also wanted. We had another couple that had invited us to their home last night which we declined because of our plans with these people. We also spent quite a bit of money on dinner, drinks, and what not. We could have worked yesterday and today and made some money. Can't work today, too hungover, LOL.
Why do people do this? Why are they in the lifestyle? What the f#!*k is going on? They could have told us that they were unsure, and we would have told them to wait until they were sure. It was a total waste of our time and our money. And my hard-on! LOL.
Anyone have any idea why this shit happens?
I am at a loss for words or anything to say. You look like decent people and I would like to say that I had a partner with whom we could meet and have a good time. I guess some aren't so comfortable with sex right away and sometimes people pose as experienced when they are greensticks.
LOL well we've been in the lifestyle since 1993... What seems to happen ( at least to us ) is alot of folks are experimenting and sometimes don't have the experience or confidence. We've had couples where the female felt uncomfortable and other times its the male. Of course for us that was a learning curve. We tend to chat on yahoo alot now, and ask questions. Some simple ones are, How did you get into the lifestyle? What do you enjoy about the lifestyle? There are alot of others but you listen and ask as in any good relationship. This seems to weed out the folks that are unsure or lack confidence. Emailing and webcamming is kinda cool but understand its like Halloween, it acts just like a mask. Things change when its time to throw the chips in and ante up LOL
Looky,
I agree, but we did all that.
I agree, but we did all that.
Sinful,
You make some very valid points, and I agree with you on most, but I don't think they apply in this case. I don't think it was a matter of changing their mind. I really don't think that one of them (most likely him) ever intended on having sex. I believe that they have some issues between them that they should resolve before doing things like this. If people want to "experiment", as you put it, they should tell you that. We are not guinea pigs. LOL. If you were privy to the conversations we had, you would agree, I think. As far as the meeting the next day, I agree with you on that too, but guess what...... haven't heard a peep from them.
You make some very valid points, and I agree with you on most, but I don't think they apply in this case. I don't think it was a matter of changing their mind. I really don't think that one of them (most likely him) ever intended on having sex. I believe that they have some issues between them that they should resolve before doing things like this. If people want to "experiment", as you put it, they should tell you that. We are not guinea pigs. LOL. If you were privy to the conversations we had, you would agree, I think. As far as the meeting the next day, I agree with you on that too, but guess what...... haven't heard a peep from them.
Wetfem
I don't know what to say. We've all been there.
Sinful
I agree with some of your points. I go into a meet with the mindset that at worst I'll meet someone and have a few laughs. At some point I think Wet's couple gave them the indication that hey, this is going to end up in the bedroom. That sucks. Remember high school and blue balls? LOL Of course people can change their minds, but sooner ( before hormones get ramped up ) is always better.
I don't know what to say. We've all been there.
Sinful
I agree with some of your points. I go into a meet with the mindset that at worst I'll meet someone and have a few laughs. At some point I think Wet's couple gave them the indication that hey, this is going to end up in the bedroom. That sucks. Remember high school and blue balls? LOL Of course people can change their minds, but sooner ( before hormones get ramped up ) is always better.
We have found the best thing to do is meet somewhere neutral first and arrange to play another day if all like each other. Like the other couple here said, have no expectation of sex. If you hit it off really well and decide to go play then, great! If your uncomfortable with something you have time to go home and think it over.
We have hit it off really well with people on email chat and when we met in person, after a few drinks, they obviously were not someone we wanted to play with. Sometimes one of them drinks WAY too much. Email chats are not enough, it still doesn't show the real person. My guess is the couple you mentioned discovered something that made them rethink it. Whether it was their own insecurities or something about you who knows? It happens.
We have hit it off really well with people on email chat and when we met in person, after a few drinks, they obviously were not someone we wanted to play with. Sometimes one of them drinks WAY too much. Email chats are not enough, it still doesn't show the real person. My guess is the couple you mentioned discovered something that made them rethink it. Whether it was their own insecurities or something about you who knows? It happens.
When it come to meeting other couples we have had more talk then anything. We have been to peoples houses and them to ours and nothinging happening. E-mails and phone calls everything seems great until it actually comes time to get something going on and some lame excuise come up. I think most people get scared. Can't we all just be honest with each other.......
we still stand by what we said... altho I do agree when we meet folks we have no expectations and if it happens cool if not thats fine too. Cold feet is nothing new with couples, and who knows what happened. Think of it this way, maybe they saved you alot of drama. Its not that your questioning their choice you just wantto understand. Most folks have communication issues. THey are afraid to hurt anyones feelings. Especially in an age of political correction...
best thing to do (as was said prior to this reply) meert one time with NO expectations which allows other couple to back out gracefully. I do agree you went way out that evening with the expectation of recieving fun at end of the night. THat doesn't always happen and its easier to have a private party and games and allow everyone to talk and get comfortable. Just casue we are in the lifestle doesn't mean ( and this is everyone ) that we'll put out on first date situations. ( altho we would all like that ) I do agree it happens to us all, I would smile and put it behind you and just chalk it up to experience and next time meet and greet on neutral territory and if it works out cool. Next time the big dinner and dance combo.
best thing to do (as was said prior to this reply) meert one time with NO expectations which allows other couple to back out gracefully. I do agree you went way out that evening with the expectation of recieving fun at end of the night. THat doesn't always happen and its easier to have a private party and games and allow everyone to talk and get comfortable. Just casue we are in the lifestle doesn't mean ( and this is everyone ) that we'll put out on first date situations. ( altho we would all like that ) I do agree it happens to us all, I would smile and put it behind you and just chalk it up to experience and next time meet and greet on neutral territory and if it works out cool. Next time the big dinner and dance combo.
It seems that all have some valid points and I agree with both points of view. What we do to avoid this kind of situation is be very straight forward about our desire for sexual activity. We have very busy schedules and we don't like to waste any "play nights" on a dry run. We have also started meeting all new possible play friends at an adult club, that way if we click the rooms upstairs and if we don't click there are plenty of other possibilities at the club! First time meets at home tend to make people feel like they are expected to perform and I know neither of us like that feeling.
Trish & Jeff
Trish & Jeff
Sounds like a cold feet thing... We tell people right off and I believe in our profile that we generally do not play when we first meet unless there is a strong attraction and we feel that we can trust people. One very good reason that we generally like to meet at one of the clubs and see what happens.. We have been known to play at the clubs after getting to know the people that evening and we are all simpatico. We would be very uncomfortable going to someones home that we had never met before with them having the expectation that we are going to play there and then. So, your first point would seem to point to either cold feet. People in the lifestyle are primarily there to have sex but....Not always on a first date.
You ask; "...why does this shit happen?" How about they are embarrassed because they DID have some reservations about playing with you two and did not wish to hurt anyones feelings. Cold feet is also one of those shit happens things with new people in the lifestyle....
First dates should be Dutch so that everyone can be confortable that they don't owe anyone anything also. This can add to the embarrassment of saying no because of some incompatability. Besides all of the incompatabilities there is the trust factor.... Do we want to play with these people.... they are strictly bareback, he has a days growth of wiskers on his face and looks dirty.....She has a pimple on her arm and her face and her skin looks sallow.... I can tell you that those things will give pause and we will most probably not feel contortable playing with those people. I'm not saying that you look bad or your wife looks bad, I certainly don't know, I was just trying to illustrate that things like that could alter ones trust in the safety of playing with that couple.
You ask; "...why does this shit happen?" How about they are embarrassed because they DID have some reservations about playing with you two and did not wish to hurt anyones feelings. Cold feet is also one of those shit happens things with new people in the lifestyle....
First dates should be Dutch so that everyone can be confortable that they don't owe anyone anything also. This can add to the embarrassment of saying no because of some incompatability. Besides all of the incompatabilities there is the trust factor.... Do we want to play with these people.... they are strictly bareback, he has a days growth of wiskers on his face and looks dirty.....She has a pimple on her arm and her face and her skin looks sallow.... I can tell you that those things will give pause and we will most probably not feel contortable playing with those people. I'm not saying that you look bad or your wife looks bad, I certainly don't know, I was just trying to illustrate that things like that could alter ones trust in the safety of playing with that couple.
Great inter-action folks and thanks for your participation and comments.
During our journey into the lifestyle, this is the second time that this has happened, and I guess my main problem with this is that I want to know why. It's like, "what's wrong with us?" I think that we are a reasonably good looking couple, and I know that we are very likable and social. It seems that the couples involved in both cases refuse to tell us the real reasons why they decided not to play with us. It's always some general comment like, "we didn't click or the chemistry wasn't there." That is a cop-out. I want to know the real reason because if we are doing something wrong, maybe we can fix it. The chemistry thing has never played well with me because we are in this for one reason, and that is to have sex with other people. We are not trying to start romantic relationships or fall in love. Why do you need chemistry? This is just sex. We are not trying to be soulmates. Since both us and the other couple have already determined that we are sexually attracted to each other, and we are clean and have not mis-represented ourselves, then what is the problem? We once declined to play with a couple that we met, and we were honest and told them why. They both had rotten teeth, and their breath was horrible. In an e-mail the next day, we told them that this was the reason. I'm a big boy, and I can accept constructive criticism.
The first time this happened to us, their answer was that things just didn't "click" with one of them. We are still good friends and we are "clicking." We just don't play. So I know there is a problem that they are not revealing. We talk all the time and have been invited back. We like them, and by all indications, they like us. So either there is something about one of us that turns one of them off sexually, or they were insecure about playing to begin with. Just be honest and tell us. That's all we ask. Maybe we can fix it. I really like these people, but I have a hard time being "vanilla" friends with them because she is really hot to me, and I don't think I could ever not want her sexually. It started out sexual. I just can't turn that off.
We are always up front with people, and let them know that sex is our primary objective. If you are insecure about playing, then don't waste our time.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it! LOL. I'll stop now. I'm on the couch, Doc. Help me out. LOL
During our journey into the lifestyle, this is the second time that this has happened, and I guess my main problem with this is that I want to know why. It's like, "what's wrong with us?" I think that we are a reasonably good looking couple, and I know that we are very likable and social. It seems that the couples involved in both cases refuse to tell us the real reasons why they decided not to play with us. It's always some general comment like, "we didn't click or the chemistry wasn't there." That is a cop-out. I want to know the real reason because if we are doing something wrong, maybe we can fix it. The chemistry thing has never played well with me because we are in this for one reason, and that is to have sex with other people. We are not trying to start romantic relationships or fall in love. Why do you need chemistry? This is just sex. We are not trying to be soulmates. Since both us and the other couple have already determined that we are sexually attracted to each other, and we are clean and have not mis-represented ourselves, then what is the problem? We once declined to play with a couple that we met, and we were honest and told them why. They both had rotten teeth, and their breath was horrible. In an e-mail the next day, we told them that this was the reason. I'm a big boy, and I can accept constructive criticism.
The first time this happened to us, their answer was that things just didn't "click" with one of them. We are still good friends and we are "clicking." We just don't play. So I know there is a problem that they are not revealing. We talk all the time and have been invited back. We like them, and by all indications, they like us. So either there is something about one of us that turns one of them off sexually, or they were insecure about playing to begin with. Just be honest and tell us. That's all we ask. Maybe we can fix it. I really like these people, but I have a hard time being "vanilla" friends with them because she is really hot to me, and I don't think I could ever not want her sexually. It started out sexual. I just can't turn that off.
We are always up front with people, and let them know that sex is our primary objective. If you are insecure about playing, then don't waste our time.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it! LOL. I'll stop now. I'm on the couch, Doc. Help me out. LOL
Wettfem, 1st rule of swinging is No Means No and the last part of that is no reason is necessary. It has been our experience that people want to know why until they find out. Interestingly enough it may be different for each person, each couple why the answer is NO and in many cases the reason will not jibe with your perception.
You say: <"It's always some general comment like, "we didn't click or the chemistry wasn't there." That is a cop-out."> and you continue with....: <"The chemistry thing has never played well with me because we are in this for one reason, and that is to have sex with other people. We are not trying to start romantic relationships or fall in love. Why do you need chemistry? This is just sex. We are not trying to be soulmates. Since both us and the other couple have already determined that we are sexually attracted to each other, and we are clean and have not mis-represented ourselves, then what is the problem?"> You are right in a round about way... but people are what they are...people and their reasons may not equate with yours. Maybe they think you are too agresssive, too much into lets get it into each other and be done with it... Crudely put but necessary for you to see what I mean. In many cases it's not just sex even if it is ultimately.
I think this paragraph makes the best point about why I've said some of what I've said... Sometimes people within a couple do not agree on the fit with another couple... Compatable only one sided...he likes and she doesn't or visa versa. bBut here is the paragraph you wrote.
<The first time this happened to us, their answer was that things just didn't "click" with one of them. We are still good friends and we are "clicking." We just don't play. So I know there is a problem that they are not revealing. We talk all the time and have been invited back. We like them, and by all indications, they like us. So either there is something about one of us that turns one of them off sexually, or they were insecure about playing to begin with. Just be honest and tell us. That's all we ask. Maybe we can fix it. I really like these people, but I have a hard time being "vanilla" friends with them because she is really hot to me, and I don't think I could ever not want her sexually. It started out sexual. I just can't turn that off.>
Try reading this from a different point of view... think of it as if you are someone else, someone who wants to have sex but need some sort of attraction to....wet their appetite. She may be hot but she may not be as hot about you as you are about her... In fact, you seem a bit obsessive about her and sex with her... I may be wrong but you may be comming on too strong....Scareing the poor people with an almost obsessve drive towards copulation. Women, particularly need to have an attraction, even with other women.... They like to be treated as women...soft and tender. We have friends, a couple who we have known for 5 years.... The lady and I are quite hot for each other... her husband is hot for B but B is not turned on by him... mainly because he is not agressive enough... i.e., He goes just short if where he needs to go with her... and he knows this. His wife is tall and strongly built.. B is small and looks so fragile. So he backs off when he should move in... At some point I am sure that we will all play if we don't die first, none of us are youngsters. He, his wife and I don't push B at all..At some point he will make the right move at the right time and boom we will be playing.... His wife and I have had some serious making out and she and I are hot for each other but we know that we have to wait. In the mean time there are more fish in the sea and more fish fries to go to. Slow down and smell the ......Well it's not coffee that I'm thinking... and if it smells...well no coffe today...LOL
You say: <"It's always some general comment like, "we didn't click or the chemistry wasn't there." That is a cop-out."> and you continue with....: <"The chemistry thing has never played well with me because we are in this for one reason, and that is to have sex with other people. We are not trying to start romantic relationships or fall in love. Why do you need chemistry? This is just sex. We are not trying to be soulmates. Since both us and the other couple have already determined that we are sexually attracted to each other, and we are clean and have not mis-represented ourselves, then what is the problem?"> You are right in a round about way... but people are what they are...people and their reasons may not equate with yours. Maybe they think you are too agresssive, too much into lets get it into each other and be done with it... Crudely put but necessary for you to see what I mean. In many cases it's not just sex even if it is ultimately.
I think this paragraph makes the best point about why I've said some of what I've said... Sometimes people within a couple do not agree on the fit with another couple... Compatable only one sided...he likes and she doesn't or visa versa. bBut here is the paragraph you wrote.
<The first time this happened to us, their answer was that things just didn't "click" with one of them. We are still good friends and we are "clicking." We just don't play. So I know there is a problem that they are not revealing. We talk all the time and have been invited back. We like them, and by all indications, they like us. So either there is something about one of us that turns one of them off sexually, or they were insecure about playing to begin with. Just be honest and tell us. That's all we ask. Maybe we can fix it. I really like these people, but I have a hard time being "vanilla" friends with them because she is really hot to me, and I don't think I could ever not want her sexually. It started out sexual. I just can't turn that off.>
Try reading this from a different point of view... think of it as if you are someone else, someone who wants to have sex but need some sort of attraction to....wet their appetite. She may be hot but she may not be as hot about you as you are about her... In fact, you seem a bit obsessive about her and sex with her... I may be wrong but you may be comming on too strong....Scareing the poor people with an almost obsessve drive towards copulation. Women, particularly need to have an attraction, even with other women.... They like to be treated as women...soft and tender. We have friends, a couple who we have known for 5 years.... The lady and I are quite hot for each other... her husband is hot for B but B is not turned on by him... mainly because he is not agressive enough... i.e., He goes just short if where he needs to go with her... and he knows this. His wife is tall and strongly built.. B is small and looks so fragile. So he backs off when he should move in... At some point I am sure that we will all play if we don't die first, none of us are youngsters. He, his wife and I don't push B at all..At some point he will make the right move at the right time and boom we will be playing.... His wife and I have had some serious making out and she and I are hot for each other but we know that we have to wait. In the mean time there are more fish in the sea and more fish fries to go to. Slow down and smell the ......Well it's not coffee that I'm thinking... and if it smells...well no coffe today...LOL
It's too bad not everyone can be upfront about what their feelings toward us are, but most people just aren't comfortable saying "Look, I thought I was getting X here, but I found out you're Z and I really don't want that." It's not just sex, it's everything in life. Have you ever been turned down for a job with "I'm sorry, but you're just not what we're looking for right now" or something similar? We all want to better ourselves (well, those of us who aren't already perfect), but we can't make people uncomfortable by forcing them to tell us what they don't like about us. Some people are just too nice or don't want to seem shallow by saying "I just don't like the way you Q."
Not only that, but for most people they have to have a certain level of attraction to a person to have sex with them (I thought this was true of all people, but apparently I'm wrong). When you are trying to get four separate people to all have sex together, all it takes is one of them to not feel any kind of connection to nix the whole evening. When you've got four separate people trying to find something that they can be happy with, you should count yourself lucky that you ever do end up closing the deal. I am not speaking of anyone individually, but of all people everywhere no matter how attractive you are. If there IS an attraction there, then how likely is it that it will be equally distributed between the two? They like her, but he's got that big mole on his neck and that's just throwing me off or if she'd just lose a few pounds she'd really be a looker. People pick up on even the tiniest favoritism (just ask my kids!) and if they are not completely secure to begin with, then they may feel like you're doing it just to be with the other person and they don't want to be a pity fuck.
Look, we're new to this whole situation and we're still trying to feel out how we each feel about certain things and how far we want to take it and if this is really a lifestyle that we want to be involved with. The fact is, though, that we're never going to know unless we try it. I know this is a forum for people in the lifestyle, but there are people like us here, too, that would like to try these experiences, but are concerned about the stereotyped image of the swinging couple. Hearing talk like this is really playing to the stereotype and off-putting. I'm not trying to curb your free speech and I really appreciate your honesty (trust me, I'll tell ya straight!), but we're all such different individuals... even if we all are looking for the same thing.
Don't dis someone for not wanting to be with you and don't be offended if they are not comfortable telling you why (perhaps they thought you were too aggressive and/or drunk and were afraid of telling you... I don't know, I wasn't there, but anything's possible). Either they had their reasons and didn't want to tell you or it was just a negative feeling that they couldn't quite put their finger on... or they just didn't care enough about you to tell you. And what if they did tell you and you didn't believe them? We will always question ourselves, it's part of our own insecurities. Chalk it up to incompatibility and move on to the next experience... and try not to blow your whole load in the first shot. Leave them wanting for more.
Not only that, but for most people they have to have a certain level of attraction to a person to have sex with them (I thought this was true of all people, but apparently I'm wrong). When you are trying to get four separate people to all have sex together, all it takes is one of them to not feel any kind of connection to nix the whole evening. When you've got four separate people trying to find something that they can be happy with, you should count yourself lucky that you ever do end up closing the deal. I am not speaking of anyone individually, but of all people everywhere no matter how attractive you are. If there IS an attraction there, then how likely is it that it will be equally distributed between the two? They like her, but he's got that big mole on his neck and that's just throwing me off or if she'd just lose a few pounds she'd really be a looker. People pick up on even the tiniest favoritism (just ask my kids!) and if they are not completely secure to begin with, then they may feel like you're doing it just to be with the other person and they don't want to be a pity fuck.
Look, we're new to this whole situation and we're still trying to feel out how we each feel about certain things and how far we want to take it and if this is really a lifestyle that we want to be involved with. The fact is, though, that we're never going to know unless we try it. I know this is a forum for people in the lifestyle, but there are people like us here, too, that would like to try these experiences, but are concerned about the stereotyped image of the swinging couple. Hearing talk like this is really playing to the stereotype and off-putting. I'm not trying to curb your free speech and I really appreciate your honesty (trust me, I'll tell ya straight!), but we're all such different individuals... even if we all are looking for the same thing.
Don't dis someone for not wanting to be with you and don't be offended if they are not comfortable telling you why (perhaps they thought you were too aggressive and/or drunk and were afraid of telling you... I don't know, I wasn't there, but anything's possible). Either they had their reasons and didn't want to tell you or it was just a negative feeling that they couldn't quite put their finger on... or they just didn't care enough about you to tell you. And what if they did tell you and you didn't believe them? We will always question ourselves, it's part of our own insecurities. Chalk it up to incompatibility and move on to the next experience... and try not to blow your whole load in the first shot. Leave them wanting for more.
AND with the last couple of posts they nailed it on the head LOL... I agree that most people want to know why till they find out why... than they become pissed. Its people.. we all have our likes and dislikes and sometimes its better to remember other folks have feelings too. I do agree it sounds like the woman was someone you were interested in and dounds like you were frustrated casue you didn't get a chance to sleep with her. It doesn't matter that you spent money on a couple LOL Ask any single guy how many times they've gone out to a regular bar and spent money on some woman just to strike out at the end of the evening. I promise you don't want to know ther reason, and it maybe a possibility you can't fix it. On the other hand it coulda just been them, behind a computer , behind a cam, behind an email its all a mask... all of a sudden they are at your place and OMG they were so nice to us and I'm not sure about this... it happens If you already have successful relationships with other folks don't sweat the small stuff... you ain't never gonna get along with everyone. Not everyone takes criticism well and even those who say they can't sometimes don't LOL. Get into sales you discover that quickly. Get passed it don't try and change anything ... especially if you're not sure if it was you or them. Theres lots more fish in the pool and just casue you feel like you missed a catch doesn't mean something else won't come along thats a better catch
Very good advice. I think I was just venting and it's good to have a place to do that and fine people like all of you to listen. We have now talked to the most recent couple, and if they are being truthful, it' all good. Truth, Love, and Joy to you all.
I think that with alot of people ( including ourselfs) making the first move or waiting for that move to be made can be quite intimidating.
we have had alot of "dates" where the conversation was excellent and the flirting was deffinately present. in fact we've had some strip poker games that have gotten us all down to our suits that were picked out by our creater and had nothing happen.
we never expect sex when we meet anybody for the first time or the fifth time. its much more fun when everything comes into play and we know for sure that the people we are with all feel comfortable and dont act on pure impulse.
getting to know eachother on an intimate level is a huge step, for all sides and once that knowlege is discovered it makes the comfort level much higher.
we have found that on the first date with people and some we have found later on but its all in what people want.
just our thoughts.
D&M
we have had alot of "dates" where the conversation was excellent and the flirting was deffinately present. in fact we've had some strip poker games that have gotten us all down to our suits that were picked out by our creater and had nothing happen.
we never expect sex when we meet anybody for the first time or the fifth time. its much more fun when everything comes into play and we know for sure that the people we are with all feel comfortable and dont act on pure impulse.
getting to know eachother on an intimate level is a huge step, for all sides and once that knowlege is discovered it makes the comfort level much higher.
we have found that on the first date with people and some we have found later on but its all in what people want.
just our thoughts.
D&M
In reply to wetfem there is nothing wrong with you as a cpl. We have had simular situations everything from "oh no your a yankee" to "your too old" of course they never said this to our face we just could tell from the way those nights went the bottom line is ,you cannot possibly be compatible with everyone you meet and chatting, talking on phone, and e-mails/messages gives you just a slight insight into who you are planning on meeting thats why for us for the most part at least folks local to us we do not spend alot of time chatting etc...
we setup a face to face meeting very quickly and see where it leads most 1st meetings are strictly social and then we tell whomever we are meeting with lets make it" more private "next time that normally will lead to a positive response or a polite "we don't feel we are compatible".
We have learned to laugh about the ones who choose not to bring it to a sexual level and consider it thier loss not ours . Being in the mid aged range we know that we are more uncompatible with the majority of the swingers who frequent sights like this my wife no where looks 47 People continue to guessed her age in her mid 20's (she drives those fair ages guessers crazy she has won every time lol) and when cpls/singles meet us face to face and we tell them our kids are 28 and 26 you can see the look on thier faces that is very obvious "They did not read our profile very well".
With all that said, we approach all face to face meetings with no "sexpectations" if it happens great if it doesn't we say nice to meet you and then say "NEXT"
Norm&Sharon
we setup a face to face meeting very quickly and see where it leads most 1st meetings are strictly social and then we tell whomever we are meeting with lets make it" more private "next time that normally will lead to a positive response or a polite "we don't feel we are compatible".
We have learned to laugh about the ones who choose not to bring it to a sexual level and consider it thier loss not ours . Being in the mid aged range we know that we are more uncompatible with the majority of the swingers who frequent sights like this my wife no where looks 47 People continue to guessed her age in her mid 20's (she drives those fair ages guessers crazy she has won every time lol) and when cpls/singles meet us face to face and we tell them our kids are 28 and 26 you can see the look on thier faces that is very obvious "They did not read our profile very well".
With all that said, we approach all face to face meetings with no "sexpectations" if it happens great if it doesn't we say nice to meet you and then say "NEXT"
Norm&Sharon
it is a shame they did not play it does sound as though they may have been newbesi comend them for at least apolgising i have to agree its is always best to expect nothing we always try to be no pressure after all every one must feel comfertable if i do not feel my wife is in saafe hands ie a gentlemqan i caan not enjoy my self either evrey one from the newbe to the exp swinngwer must fel comfertable witrh wht is about to happenyou really have to be sedur3e in you relation ship but thtas all been said in other places too i am sure
It's probably best to just move on and not worry about it. Maybe they got cold feet or something but it's bound to happen sooner or later when you deal with different people. Best of luck with the next people you have fun with!
all too often, people in the lifestyle try to analyze things that didnt go as they had hoped/planned. i agree with those that have said not to worry about it too much. the couple that backed out is the only one that knows why they did it and it is unlikely that you will ever know what that reason is.
we have had a few similar experiences which have caused us to change the way we handle our first meetings. we very rarely will ever agree to meet at anyones home (ours nor theirs). we suggest that we meet at a club for a few drinks and maybe an appetizer. we explain that we prefer to have a quick/no-pressure meeting to atleast give everyone a chance to meet and see each others personality/chemistry. we also explain that after the drinks we plan on taking the time to confirm that all involved want to proceed "after all, we dont want to waste your time if we arent right for you." but as others have said, proceeding just means continue with the nite, no guarantee of sex. if kim and i will indicate our level of interest to each other discreetly and if we are thumbs up, we pose the very pointed question "we feel some chemistry and would like to proceed. may we excuse ourselves and go get a drink at the bar and give you two a chance to discuss it privately to see if you feel the same?" from there we will give them a few minutes. on the few occassions that they have said that they dont feel any chemistry, we thank them for their time/company and wish them luck in their persuits. from there, we move on with the rest of our evening and enjoy our time with each other.
we have had a few similar experiences which have caused us to change the way we handle our first meetings. we very rarely will ever agree to meet at anyones home (ours nor theirs). we suggest that we meet at a club for a few drinks and maybe an appetizer. we explain that we prefer to have a quick/no-pressure meeting to atleast give everyone a chance to meet and see each others personality/chemistry. we also explain that after the drinks we plan on taking the time to confirm that all involved want to proceed "after all, we dont want to waste your time if we arent right for you." but as others have said, proceeding just means continue with the nite, no guarantee of sex. if kim and i will indicate our level of interest to each other discreetly and if we are thumbs up, we pose the very pointed question "we feel some chemistry and would like to proceed. may we excuse ourselves and go get a drink at the bar and give you two a chance to discuss it privately to see if you feel the same?" from there we will give them a few minutes. on the few occassions that they have said that they dont feel any chemistry, we thank them for their time/company and wish them luck in their persuits. from there, we move on with the rest of our evening and enjoy our time with each other.
It all depends on your perspective of what you want from the lifestyle. For us it's ONLY for Amway connections and an occasional free dinner. My god, people don't really do this for the sex do they? JK!!!! ;-) BTW, SEXYCOUPLEINUTH... Ya ever going to buy those Ginsu knives or what?
Moose
we need atleast 15-100 additional demonstrations before we can decide. when can you come over?
we need atleast 15-100 additional demonstrations before we can decide. when can you come over?
Demonstrations! hee hee... Sounds good to us! ~but do we get free hot dogs or do we have stand outside RC Willey's again! And also we noticed a thin residue of racing oil in those super deluxe plastic bowels you claimed where going to be used for car keys, for that key party. hmm ;-)
I am sure everyone has horror stories that have occured at some point or another...
I have a few points that might make things a bit easier..
We are all involved in a play style that requires us to be adults... And some might fit the bill on thier birth certificates, but not mentally...
When we are dating, to find that significant other, there is a lot of trial and error.. and more than a few times where you went out with someone and said to yourself.. " Yeah, thier nice, but thats as far as it goes..." In this situation, there are 4 people dating... If one of the 4 doesnt seem interested, ITS NORMAL.
When I read thru the story that began this thread, and the subsequent postings.. It seems that the visiting gent didnt want to "follow thru".. There are any number of issues that could have caused this, Jealousy, Lack of Arousal ( personally, I dont see this but, I am not this guy
) and not least, Intimidation... Some guys get intimidated by the idea of not matching up to expectations.. Unless they call on the god of the little blue pill that is..
We like most everyone here has a set of rules we follow when we meet new people, Ours is simple, Plan on NOTHING, expect ANYTHING... We do not set out to play on the first date, but do prepare as if we are, right down to the overnight bag. When asked why we were taking a bag with us, if we were just going out for the night, we just said, if I decided to drink, we would get a room, and spend the night rather than DWI it.. and a few times even though it didnt work out with the playmates for the evening, we stayed out anyway.
So let me sum up by saying, if you were closer , we would love to spend some quality time in a darkend room for many a night...
The problem is not you, its them... and like we all have told our kids for years... when someone has a problem its thier problem not yours... This playstyle isnt for some folks.. While for others, we like it.... alot
:z
I have a few points that might make things a bit easier..
We are all involved in a play style that requires us to be adults... And some might fit the bill on thier birth certificates, but not mentally...
When we are dating, to find that significant other, there is a lot of trial and error.. and more than a few times where you went out with someone and said to yourself.. " Yeah, thier nice, but thats as far as it goes..." In this situation, there are 4 people dating... If one of the 4 doesnt seem interested, ITS NORMAL.
When I read thru the story that began this thread, and the subsequent postings.. It seems that the visiting gent didnt want to "follow thru".. There are any number of issues that could have caused this, Jealousy, Lack of Arousal ( personally, I dont see this but, I am not this guy
) and not least, Intimidation... Some guys get intimidated by the idea of not matching up to expectations.. Unless they call on the god of the little blue pill that is..We like most everyone here has a set of rules we follow when we meet new people, Ours is simple, Plan on NOTHING, expect ANYTHING... We do not set out to play on the first date, but do prepare as if we are, right down to the overnight bag. When asked why we were taking a bag with us, if we were just going out for the night, we just said, if I decided to drink, we would get a room, and spend the night rather than DWI it.. and a few times even though it didnt work out with the playmates for the evening, we stayed out anyway.
So let me sum up by saying, if you were closer , we would love to spend some quality time in a darkend room for many a night...
The problem is not you, its them... and like we all have told our kids for years... when someone has a problem its thier problem not yours... This playstyle isnt for some folks.. While for others, we like it.... alot
:z
Putnamcocpl,
I think you are correct about it being him. I originally surmised that he may have been a little intimidated, but he is also rather outgoing. Not shy at all. Who knows?
I think you are correct about it being him. I originally surmised that he may have been a little intimidated, but he is also rather outgoing. Not shy at all. Who knows?