I'm recently divorced, and have begun to date again. I'm enjoying the attention, the freedom, the ability to pick and choose dates, companions, and yes, the variety.
In the back of my mind, though, I'm a bit nervous, and wonder if anyone in Swingular has any experience with this.
My ex knew about my bi sexuality, and actually was - here's a surprise - quite fond of it. We shared a full swap lifestyle, albeit on a limited basis. He enjoyed that, as well.
To this point I haven't met anyone that I've wanted to get really close to, so I haven't had to cross the bridge of discussing my lifestyle choices. But, hopefully, that bridge will eventually be in front of me.
Here's the conundrum - I'm sure I'll struggle with timing and detail. When to discuss the lifestyle issue, and how much detail to lump on.
I know that guys have this #1 fantasy thing - two women. But, I don't want my relationships to hinge on the fact that a guy knows that's a sure thing with me. I want a relationship to be first about us, then if the lifestyle choices make sense for us to evolve to that point.
I realize I never had to face this before, and perhaps some of you are laughing at me. I suspect this is a situation that lots of ladies (and men) have faced before.
Thoughts?
xoxo
Lizzi
In the back of my mind, though, I'm a bit nervous, and wonder if anyone in Swingular has any experience with this.
My ex knew about my bi sexuality, and actually was - here's a surprise - quite fond of it. We shared a full swap lifestyle, albeit on a limited basis. He enjoyed that, as well.
To this point I haven't met anyone that I've wanted to get really close to, so I haven't had to cross the bridge of discussing my lifestyle choices. But, hopefully, that bridge will eventually be in front of me.
Here's the conundrum - I'm sure I'll struggle with timing and detail. When to discuss the lifestyle issue, and how much detail to lump on.
I know that guys have this #1 fantasy thing - two women. But, I don't want my relationships to hinge on the fact that a guy knows that's a sure thing with me. I want a relationship to be first about us, then if the lifestyle choices make sense for us to evolve to that point.
I realize I never had to face this before, and perhaps some of you are laughing at me. I suspect this is a situation that lots of ladies (and men) have faced before.
Thoughts?
xoxo
Lizzi
We ourselves haven't had to deal with this problem, but your problem isn't unique. We know a woman who recently broke up with a boyfriend who was simply using her and her bi-sexuallity to bring in the girls. Eventually she realized this and moved on (wasted time).
Don't rule out those within the lifestyle, or outside of the lifestyle. Follow your heart, with a little guidance from your grey matter and you'll do just fine.
PS I don't think anyone would think this is a funny situation for you. (don't date those that do)
xoxoxoxox
Don't rule out those within the lifestyle, or outside of the lifestyle. Follow your heart, with a little guidance from your grey matter and you'll do just fine.
PS I don't think anyone would think this is a funny situation for you. (don't date those that do)
xoxoxoxox
From my experience, being the other side of the equation, I think it's best to approach the subject as early as possible. I think you should build your relationship first, then once that is firmly established then introduce others. Communication is the key. Make sure that the person you are with understands that you want those things that come with the lifestyle but that you will not partake until you are sure they will be around a while. If it is the right person then they will stick around. That's just my 2 cents. Good Luck!
I think your question and concern is very valid and probably something a lot of women think about. For us it would be about being honest with yourself and those that you communicate with and hopefully they will be as honest in return.
My husband is no different than any other man and loves the FMF thing (not a fantasy anymore) but also understands that people have to achieve that level of comfort before anything will happen and nothing is ever a sure thing. Some achieve that comfort level faster than others. I can only speak for hubby and I but for us a lot of the excitement and satisfaction comes from people with not only great attitudes about the lifestyle but also those that are not afraid of saying they are not comfortable with something instead of taking one for the team. Having said that, people that communicate about things that truly turns them on can be exciting too. For us the more turned on the other person or persons are the more we are. If people can't accept your concerns and choices then it's best that you stay away from them. Again communication is very important.
We've been in the lifestyle for a little over 3 years now and we find it much easier to be comfortable quicker than we did when we first started... maybe we need to change our name to "not_so_newcpl99" lol
Be yourself, it's your life, your decision. Be honest with yourself and others and good things should follow
My husband is no different than any other man and loves the FMF thing (not a fantasy anymore) but also understands that people have to achieve that level of comfort before anything will happen and nothing is ever a sure thing. Some achieve that comfort level faster than others. I can only speak for hubby and I but for us a lot of the excitement and satisfaction comes from people with not only great attitudes about the lifestyle but also those that are not afraid of saying they are not comfortable with something instead of taking one for the team. Having said that, people that communicate about things that truly turns them on can be exciting too. For us the more turned on the other person or persons are the more we are. If people can't accept your concerns and choices then it's best that you stay away from them. Again communication is very important.
We've been in the lifestyle for a little over 3 years now and we find it much easier to be comfortable quicker than we did when we first started... maybe we need to change our name to "not_so_newcpl99" lol
Be yourself, it's your life, your decision. Be honest with yourself and others and good things should follow
See - I knew the insights I would get from y'all would be wonderful!
Thank you!!!
I love all the comments and they are very useful! For me the most important thing is that I have to be true to myself.
xoxo
Lizzi
Thank you!!!
I love all the comments and they are very useful! For me the most important thing is that I have to be true to myself.
xoxo
Lizzi
I think you need to just listen to what your heart says and just be yourself. When we first started swapping and all we were a bit nervous to...I think the first thing you should do is find someone and get to know them before making any kind of comittment.
Another excellent piece of advice!
Thanks for sharing!!!!
xoxo
Lizzi
Thanks for sharing!!!!
xoxo
Lizzi
Everyone has some anxieties when they set out on the scene, although in our experience most people are taken with how nice th people whom they meet are.
We think that couples try hard to make women alone feel at ease.
We think that couples try hard to make women alone feel at ease.
But then again, what happens if you meet a great guy and things really start off well... Then eventually, you realize (maybe an offhand comment or two) that he would never ever in a million years consider "sharing" you with another woman or man.
Would that necessarily be a 'bad' thing? Do you find yourself (now that you've experienced the multiple partner fun times) 'craving' the touch of a variety of people (or situations)?
Male's opinion here - I would wait before telling him your (ahem) interests or orientation. Many (and I mean MANY) women today are open-minded enough to consider other women attractive (and believe me, guys get every bit as turned on just by that alone), but hopping in bed with another woman is a different story altogether -- one that might scare off a decent guy too soon.
What you don't want is to meet a guy who (once he 'discovers' this) starts combing through his old address book trying to find that girl he dated 4-5 years ago who told him she really wanted to have a 3some. roll eyes
Meet a decent guy, and bring him along slowly as to what you like and what you're into. Eventually, if he's like most guys, he'll jump on board and good times will be had!
Of course, you could just 'accidentally' get drunk one night with him and a girlfriend of yours, and give him the night of his life! hehehe
Would that necessarily be a 'bad' thing? Do you find yourself (now that you've experienced the multiple partner fun times) 'craving' the touch of a variety of people (or situations)?
Male's opinion here - I would wait before telling him your (ahem) interests or orientation. Many (and I mean MANY) women today are open-minded enough to consider other women attractive (and believe me, guys get every bit as turned on just by that alone), but hopping in bed with another woman is a different story altogether -- one that might scare off a decent guy too soon.
What you don't want is to meet a guy who (once he 'discovers' this) starts combing through his old address book trying to find that girl he dated 4-5 years ago who told him she really wanted to have a 3some. roll eyes
Meet a decent guy, and bring him along slowly as to what you like and what you're into. Eventually, if he's like most guys, he'll jump on board and good times will be had!
Of course, you could just 'accidentally' get drunk one night with him and a girlfriend of yours, and give him the night of his life! hehehe
This is how I solved that issue at the times that I was single. First of all I didn't "date" when I was single. I had guy friends but I didn't consider that dating. I was strict in that I never brought any of my male friends into my lifestyle (I became active when I was 17). All of my male friends knew about my bisexuality and my lifestyle from the first moment I met them. Being that understanding my bisexuality and my involvement in the lifestyle was important to me I used this as a form of weeding out those that won't be a good match. Surprising I had/have a lot of males friends that weren't even interested in the lifestyle much less watching the girl/girl thing. As a matter of fact I remember (and still remember to this day) something a guy friend told me years ago. He stated that if I decided that I wanted to be exclusive with him then I would have to forever give up my sexual orientation and the lifestyle. Yeah you guessed it, I dropped him as a friend real quick upon him saying that. Also my first husband as well as hubby #2 didn't get involved in the lifestyle with me until we were in a committed relationship. They also were required to research the lifestyle as well. "J"
This is how I solved that issue at the times that I was single. First of all I didn't "date" when I was single. I had guy friends but I didn't consider that dating. I was strict in that I never brought any of my male friends into my lifestyle (I became active when I was 17). All of my male friends knew about my bisexuality and my lifestyle from the first moment I met them. Being that understanding my bisexuality and my involvement in the lifestyle was important to me I used this as a form of weeding out those that won't be a good match. Surprising I had/have a lot of males friends that weren't even interested in the lifestyle much less watching the girl/girl thing. As a matter of fact I remember (and still remember to this day) something a guy friend told me years ago. He stated that if I decided that I wanted to be exclusive with him then I would have to forever give up my sexual orientation and the lifestyle. Yeah you guessed it, I dropped him as a friend real quick upon him saying that. Also my first husband as well as hubby #2 didn't get involved in the lifestyle with me until we were in a committed relationship. They also were required to research the lifestyle as well. "J"
This is how I solved that issue at the times that I was single. First of all I didn't "date" when I was single. I had guy friends but I didn't consider that dating. I was strict in that I never brought any of my male friends into my lifestyle (I became active when I was 17). All of my male friends knew about my bisexuality and my lifestyle from the first moment I met them. Being that understanding my bisexuality and my involvement in the lifestyle was important to me I used this as a form of weeding out those that won't be a good match. Surprising I had/have a lot of males friends that weren't even interested in the lifestyle much less watching the girl/girl thing. As a matter of fact I remember (and still remember to this day) something a guy friend told me years ago. He stated that if I decided that I wanted to be exclusive with him then I would have to forever give up my sexual orientation and the lifestyle. Yeah you guessed it, I dropped him as a friend real quick upon him saying that. Also my first husband as well as hubby #2 didn't get involved in the lifestyle with me until we were in a committed relationship. They also were required to research the lifestyle as well. "J"
If you have read my other posts in this forum, you probably know by now I have a very different take on things.
Dating as a single or dating as a couple (in the Lifestyle) you should use the same criteria. My criteria are as follows:
First is communications: You need to be able to talk about anything and everything. If either of you hold back, the relationship will fail. While there are things what can and should remain private, nothing should remain secret. You need to distinguish in your own mind what is necessary and what is nice. You have every right to have your needs met in the relationship and you have every right to your feelings. Compromise on needs and you are asking for trouble.
Second is shared values: Sex, religion, politics, children and money. All involve values. Some include their pets. Would he/she kick your cat? Early on you should have no problem saying you are liberal (or conservative); you hate organized religion (or are a bible thumping fundamentalist), you have or want children (or you can
Dating as a single or dating as a couple (in the Lifestyle) you should use the same criteria. My criteria are as follows:
First is communications: You need to be able to talk about anything and everything. If either of you hold back, the relationship will fail. While there are things what can and should remain private, nothing should remain secret. You need to distinguish in your own mind what is necessary and what is nice. You have every right to have your needs met in the relationship and you have every right to your feelings. Compromise on needs and you are asking for trouble.
Second is shared values: Sex, religion, politics, children and money. All involve values. Some include their pets. Would he/she kick your cat? Early on you should have no problem saying you are liberal (or conservative); you hate organized religion (or are a bible thumping fundamentalist), you have or want children (or you can
We are both once divorced, twice married and have been together for 10 years. Our first marrigaes for both of us included swinging so both of us were looking for open minded people when we started dating again. But we actually met at a lifestyle event so we never had to open the subject with each other.
We agree with the other comments stating open and frank communication with the other people is important once the relationship becomes serious. Unless you luck out and meet them at a lifestyle event!
We agree with the other comments stating open and frank communication with the other people is important once the relationship becomes serious. Unless you luck out and meet them at a lifestyle event!
we have had a different journey....i (the male) am bi and she just found out she likes girls last summer. we started this lifestyle journey after i came out to her. so far it has been an awesome ride. i was afraid to tell her because i thought she would leave.....she didn't and our relationship is better than ever.