Swingers Forum - Can you be in love AND swing? If so, tell us how!

I do have to say that your so called coach is definetley wrong - my husband and I have never ever doubted that we are not totallly 100% inlove with eachother - we figure that this is just something that we both do together and enjoy very much - You have to have rules and you have to be honest with eachother and you cannot let this lifestyle be the main priority in your life - Its kinda funny cuz almost all of our friends have atleast been divorced once or more and not any of them would even think of this kind of lifestyle - and here we are 11 years later - happier than anyone of them by far - They allways say that they wish their marriage was as good as ours - but hey! why go out for something without eachother when its much more fun together right? ( and alot of spouses cheat) sad but true - I love my husband more than anything he is definetly my soulmate and my very best friend in the world - but if you ever feel like your not #1 with your spouse that is when you shouldnt be SWINGING - anyway, sorry for the novel
thanks

one more thing
swinging is sex not love

Lifecoach = Someone who cannot get a real job, so takes money from others under the guise of providing the "answers".

It never ceases to amaze me how people come up with catchy names as a way to separate people from their hard earned bucks.

Has anyone not had sexual experience with someone they were not in love with? Obviously, love and sex are separate entities, which would mean you can be in love with someone, and have sex with someone else. There are millions of people doing it everyday, only they don't share it with their loved one. That's refered to as cheating.

Swinging is sharing.

LOL well I am sure we can see that one is laid to rest. LOL

two words

BULL SHIT...

OK more words...he is overly educated, under experienced...PERIOD...

Hi.. I thought I would add my two cents.
My husband and I are new to the lifestyle, although we experienced a few threesomes before, and our relationship has gotten even stronger.
We were close before, but after 5 years, we wanted to "spice it up" a little. We have already made friends with one couple and made sure that they were in a strong loving relationship too. I'm sure that there are couples out there that didn't have a solid relationship to begin with and swinging probably wouldn't help.
Love is key to your relationship, but as a previous poster said, love has nothing to do with swinging. Swinging is about pleasure and couples helping couples fulfill their fantasies, and make friends at the same time.

Thanks for raising the question!

Here is our two cents worth......first of all....the so called life coach that you have coaching you....you need to fire....what you need is common sense.....so here is what I can tell you and that most have told you on this thread........My wife and I have been married 29 years....and have been swinging for 6 years....we Love each other more then anything you can imagine....if you love each other......and communicate with each other....about anything and everything...from jealousy....to what turns you on....no matter what is is....swinging will be a very fun...and satisfying experience. If you are in this to fix your marriage.....your marriage is already destined to fail. We have known alot of couples....who dont communicate while swinging...and they have ended up split or divorced....or have ended the swinging experience. We have had alot of couples tell us...that they want a relationship like ours....well you can have that.....just talk with each other....be open with each other....and it can work. We swing from couples to doing seperate dates cause we trust each other and love each other...and very much enjoy what we do. Hope things go well for you with your experiences....if we can help at all.....email us.
R & M

Hmmmmm.... where to start.

The basics on relationships I guess. I will try to be as brief as possible. No promises though.... Lol

In any successful relationship, the needs of the other being met are as much, or more, important to you than your own and the same from them to you. That is NOT advocating doormat status. Doormat = problem. When your focus becomes more about getting your needs met the other will eventually pick up on it and you have succeeded in putting a wedge between you. Selfishness has been the death of millions of relationships. But fixing this problem is as easy as admitting it and changing your mindset and focus. Over time the relationship will recover as the evidence of the change mounts and is reciprocated. It is critical that this be right before swinging! If it isn't, and swinging doesn't cause it to be exacerbated, you should then have serious doubts as to how much love was there to begin with. And remember, wants are NOT needs!

Communication on a real and specific level has to be the norm before swinging. If you can't hang in a conversation until how you feel is clear and both reach an understanding of the other and commit to working out the issue to both of your satisfaction then don't swing. Get this straight before doing any swinging! Read whatever books you need or counseling to get that learned and in practice FIRST. Do not kid yourself. You WILL have a person or situation arise that will tear you apart if you don't talk it through with a dedication to resolve. Again, if lack of communication doesn't cause a problem then you'd best question if there was love to begin with.

For example, if you feel that the woman you love is far too infatuated with play with another or, that having welcomed someone into your bed the attention had seemingly become all on that person, you have to be able to sit down and calmly explain how you are feeling and what things have you feeling that way. And you have to have already discussed the possibility and agreed that if it has actually become the case then these are the steps that will be taken to resolve it. And you need to be prepared for a heated response from her wether it's real or is just an emotional response or incorrect assumption on your part. The "reality" isn't the issue but the way you feel about it is and must be resolved. I know that's vague. I'm trying to be clear but short. Lol

Okay, let's see if this helps any. We have a "distance" agreement. We have already determined that there is not to be a lot of phone calls, online chats or emails with anyone we play with. If a friendship gets that close we have determined the sex with that person stops. For us and in our experience a lot of communication can make it difficult to prevent too strong an emotional attachment, even if it's not us who is having the attachment problem. So we know that if there is lengthy conversations more than once a week involving the same two people that there is the potential for a problem or there is an actual problem. It's a barometer of sorts. We have already agreed that if the spacing.... the distance.... isn't increased and maintained then the communication/relationship is severed completely. It applys to many types of relationships. Workplace cheating figures should be all the proof anyone needs.

Sound like we have dealt with this before? You bet your ass. And, I am ashamed to say, more than once. An easy check for an attachment problem is that, if your day can be negatively affected by NOT talking to someone other than your mate.... if you find you are on the lookout for daily word or call from someone other than your mate.... if you feel anger or jealousy upon hearing that a specific someone other than your mate is chatting with someone else.... if having your mate hear every word and tone of every conversation with someone you are conversing with regularly strikes fear in your heart and would make you ashamed or embarassed when your mate looks at you.... then you probably have a problem and you'd best slam the door shut on further interaction with that person until you have yourself in order. And it also works as a check for someone to you or your mate to another.

Okay. More on that is either making it harder to understand my point or beating a dead horse. Lol Like has been said, have ground rules and a plan and STICK to it. Don't be blind or stupid. Moving on...

Let's try this. Basic truth: If any relationship is given something which will take something healthy away from your relationship with your mate it's wrong. Example: If swinging means that the sexual play between you two either becomes dependent on swinging or is replaced by swinging it's unhealthy. And if your mate says that if you don't swing, or can't swing seperately from each other, will be cause to re-evaluate being together, then you have a serious love issue. I'm going to get blasted here but sex is intimate and, even though a lot of people feel that there is an infinate supply of intimacy, it's not the case. We humans are only capable of a certain amount and it varies from person to person. So there is a point at which, to give someone else more intimacy, will have to mean it is reduced to someone else. And when it comes to such an emotional and physical ride as sex is, it can only come from a very limited number of places. And as uncomfortable as it may make others to hear, there can be no sex without shared intimacy. Well.... not true. Sex without shared intimacy is possible.... it's called rape.

So for us, we have decided the best way to make sure that the balance of intimacy never shifts away from her and I for each other is to never play seperately. And we have both agreed that, if either feels that seperate play has become an important issue, we solve the problem by refocusing on us and no one swings.... apart or together. We have already decided that for us it's a warning sign that we need to find and repair a problem. I know it can also be called a "trust" issue and for many it's a "failure to trust" if there can be no seperate play. It's smoke and mirrors. It boils down to determining the level of intimacy shared between you. If a close but light level is comfortable and desired then seperate play becomes a means to that end. And for many, years of personal knowledge becomes a substitute for intimacy, many times without their even being aware of it or as their choice. I've heard some compare having sex with other people as being no different than playing football or board games. But I'm sorry, last time I played football none of the other players knew my erogenous zones, what turns me on, what my penis looks like up close or just how an orgasm makes me feel. No one I have played chess with knows where to touch me, how to calm or arouse me or has permission tobethisclose to me at anytime.

It's very difficult to quantify something as potentially volitile as swinging and your relationship. And maintaining a healthy relationship under life's daily assaults alone should be challenging to your relationship in order for it to grow. But not when swinging is added. And the other comments about swinging being an amplifier for problems is just as true as getting married was an amplifier. It has to be by it's very nature especially in a love relationship.

I know for me, the one person I want sexually above ANY other is my wife. It is her I want to talk with when I am needing to vent or share good/bad news. She is the very first person I want to share any news with, which makes it really hard around her birthday and the like! I'm excited about what I did for her but she is the one I want to share the excitement with but can't! Lol When I fall a sleep at night it is her I want near me. Usually I have a hand or something touching her as I drift off. It is her with whom I share emotions noone else would even be aware of. Several years ago I was struck by a car while crossing a parking lot and the impact was enough to knock me several feet sending both my shoes off my feet with one of them disappearing entirely. I was taken by ambulence to the emergency room and my father was the first one the hospital could reach. I was fine when he arrived and later when my mother arrived. But once my father brought Shelli to the hospital soon after she got home from work to an empty apartment, and she came into the area I was laid and straped down, I lost it. The look on her face and in her eyes drove straight through me beyond even that of my parents and we had only been together about a year at that point. It hurt me to see her feeling like that, seeing me that way and being unable to do much of anything to comfort her. And I knew the moment she came close and looked in my eyes I wasn't able to fool her and didn't want to.

No one we play with would hold her head if she was vomiting, would sit with her through 30 plus hours of labor.... twice, would go without sleeping in order for her to try and rest during a hurricane.... or two.... or three. There is no one I'd rather be with and no one I want to be old with but her, and on and on I could go. I could get mushy and romantic easily but I'll spare everyone. Lol We have been through so damned much, inclusive of others wanting a focused physical and/or emotional relationship with her trying to break us up, that there is no way we will blindly be involved in either our bdsm lifestyle or the swing lifestyle we have incorporated into it. WE and our family are the primary focus and should any of this begin to change that, it becomes a liability and is therefore done. So we diligently apply the things I have said here and some others, which are simply variations on the theme, in order to protect and grow with, and for, each other.

If you are not complete and sustainable WITHOUT swinging then you are probably not in love enough to do it at all. Like has been said, it won't fix anything but could easily take a small problem and make it the fracture point of your relationship. So can you swing and be in love? No doubt! Can you swing and not be in love? Same. Can you be in love and careless in your relationship and swing? Only if you plan for it to fail.

So, meet her needs (and NO ONE needs multiple sex partners in a love based relationship.... the two are mutually exclusive as any kind of "need") and her meet yours, deep communication in everything, have a plan, avoid situations where what belongs to her from you and you from her is being given to anyone else and make sure that the most intimate relationship (and that requires daily touching, sharing, etc) that either of you have is with each other. Do that and swinging will stay all that it should be.... shared sexual play with select others. And at the first sign it is straying into being other than that, pull out of it until it isn't. If your life coach is telling you anything that contradicts this then maybe you best question just how much they really know about relationships in general, let alone love relationships.

I tried to be brief.... *deep sigh* Lol

Oooooo.... bet I'm going to catch some heat from this post.... be nice.... Shelli reads these too. Lol

Aj

Let me state first that this is not a personal attack but I disagree with the last post. All of what was said may be true for that person and not for others. You will have to figure that out for yourself. Personally I don't feel there is a limit on intimacy nor the capacity to love. Nor do I believe a friendship can get dangerous. We personally feel that the friendship adds to the sex and relationship. We don't feel that being intimate with more folks will diminish the intimacy for your significant other as was implied. Yes you may need to keep an eye out to make sure that the attraction of feelings does not go past a certain point. We just happen to feel that won't happen on our part. We love each other too much to allow ANYONE to take the other's place. There are also levels of imtimacy. I will never be as intimate with anyone as I will with my wife. And there is sex without intimacy without it being rape. A good example is masturbation.

Much of the lifestyle is balance and keeping things in perspective. If it is something you just HAVE to have maybe there is something wrong. If it is something that is just a supplement that if you had to you could live without then that is probably the more healthy approach. If it is a replacement for something missing in the basic relationship that is not good. If it is recreational than it is all good. Friendships are not something to be avoided but cherished. We have one couple we have been with several times. We talk regularly and hang out. I would say that 80 percent of the time we have no sex involved but just enjoy each other's company. The times we have sex is great and does not endanger our marriage or relationship with each other.

It is all about fun. Making new friends is fun and the sex is really fun. :-) Are there dangers and risks? Of course but all of life has those. As long as you communicate and are honest and open with each other the dangers will be very very minimal at best.

Bottom line keep communication open between each other, make friends, have fun and stop worrying. Life is too short.

The only way any relationship works is mutual respect/love/caring/communication. It doesn't matter if it's a marriage, LTR, or any other possible configuration. As proof I would submit that 60+ to 70+ percentage of marriages, both first and second, fail in the "normal" world. Also in poles taken, 60 to 70% of all married people or people in relationships have had relationships outside of marriage without their partner's knowledge.....i.e., "CHEATING". Swingers can hardly cheat, although it sometimes happens... Divorce in the swinging community is about one quarter of that in the "normal" community. I would submit that the reason for this is

a. the partners respect and love and trust each other as no other group does.

b. the need or want to cheat is virtually eliminated...

c. communication needed for the trust and the ability to work thru hard relationship problems is in place and working well

d. RESPECT for each other as individuals is greatly enhanced. Jealousy is part fear and part possessivness... Fear of loosing, fear that someone is better, fear that they are inadequate.. and many more fears are basiclly absent. And possessivness is not possible if you and your wife or SO are sharing yourself with others.

One thing about swinging.... If your relationship is good, communications are good and your sex life is good .....Swinging might very well work for you, as a couple. If there are any problems, fix them first or stay out of swinging... A good relationship will generall be enhanced by swinging. A relationship with problems will generally magnify problems introduce problems and ultimately cause devistation in that relationship.

You life coach has their head where the sun doesn't shine...and knows not of what he spake...

Amen

I have to join the chorus in beating down such an idea of those that are in the lifestyle must not be in love. Most of the time I don

Your "Life Counsler" is an idiot. Also the answer about love is within yourself. Nobody can tell you if it is right for you ar not. Swinging is not for everybody. Some people are looking for replacements, some are power swingers who get addicted & others like us just enjoy an evening of fun once in a while. If you have a strong relationship then swinging just multiplies your feelings for one another. If your relationship is a little rocky then it is definitely not for you.

We're each other's life coach*, we swing and we love each other madly so we must really be fucked up. Damn I hate finding that out at this late date.


*(my penis often says to her "put me in coach, I'm ready to play!")

We're a young couple that is deeply in love. We have been through everything together, even a near death experience where I saved her life. We have been together for almost 4 years and know that we're going to be together the rest of our lives.
What helps us out in this lifestyle is knowing that we're good enough for eachother. We aren't here because we cannot get the right kind of satisfaction from one another but because having people that we know and trust join us and make our sexual experiences 10x better is something that we'd enjoy and keep on enjoying through life. We're here to meet friends, if things do not work out, what happens? You gain a friend or two, we think that is an awesome result. If everything works out, you have a great friendship that is only strengthened and a love life that gets more exciting. We love eachother deeply but swinging to us isn't just a peice of ass or a one night stand. It's long lasting friendship and great connection between you and your lover in the bedroom.

Derek & Felicia