OK here's the thing. We jointed in the lifestyles to find not only our super sexual side but also to make and develope new friendships with like minded people. So why is it that profiles say "friendship first" and in the end if sex doesn't occure they vanish. We have met some very interesting people that we could really like to be firends with without the sex but once they understand nothings going to happen they disappear. Is this friendship thing just a "come on "..what's your opinion !
We think people join these sites for the sex aspect.They are after all Swinger sites.
It seems it is sex first friendship later.
We have made friends with couples we have met but we have also had sex with them.People we meet and do not have sex with seem to fade away.
I think it's because they do not have the qualities we look for in friends.
Also,let's face it.How would you feel if a couple who you meet talk about the sex they have had with others and say they don't want it with you..Do you want to be friends with them?
It seems it is sex first friendship later.
We have made friends with couples we have met but we have also had sex with them.People we meet and do not have sex with seem to fade away.
I think it's because they do not have the qualities we look for in friends.
Also,let's face it.How would you feel if a couple who you meet talk about the sex they have had with others and say they don't want it with you..Do you want to be friends with them?
We have met some great people since we joined and to be honest most we have not played with. Not because we aren't attracted to them or vice versa it just hasn't happened yet. There are also some that we have played with but found that we didn't get along as well as we thought we would so we all just kinda drifted away I guess. We also have some friends that we will probably never play with, and thats totally fine but they are some of our best friends.
I think it just depends on what everyone is really looking for - some say friends but only want the sex and vice versa.
Good luck!!
A&K
I think it just depends on what everyone is really looking for - some say friends but only want the sex and vice versa.
Good luck!!
A&K
Join the club, we have found that now after a few years we actually have grown to hate going out to meet people. We Had a wonderful couple in Virginia we hung out with and did same room sex with. It was a nice relationship, no pressure to do anything but the option seemed always open. We moved to Vegas and thought we would find a slew of friends but alas it has been the opposite.
We have met some wonderful people through going to the local swing club. No one on the internet seems to reply to mail or tells us they arent feeling a connection through reading our profile. Lately our trips to the club have been eye openers in that we would be playing openly and occasionally people would join us at varying levels, but then we realized that the male half of our couple was always left out or would get a quick blow and go, a blowjob never to completion but done out of 'sympathy' since her husband got a blow job so I guess I owe him one kind of attitude.
If we ever sat together at a table, which is what happened most times, no one would approach us, but if she was alone and he was alone at a table or hot tub everyone would go for her but he would sit alone the entire night. When we would leave abruptly it was questioned as to where we were going, the question always posed to him, but they really didnt want her to leave.
We have found that more people then most want to just get their rocks off and don't care for relationships. Many of them don't have respect for the other peoples relationship as long as they have sex we don't care that you two are getting seperated or leaving one out. We arent fans of taking one for the team and thats the attitude we seem to be treated with. We don't think either of us is unattractive, in fact based on body shape and fitness, he is alot better then most at the local swing club, but people don't want to play.
So we have reduced our visits to the local swing club simply to see people we enjoy being around, but never play with. Its usually a cheap drunk night out with a hot tub.
We have met some wonderful people through going to the local swing club. No one on the internet seems to reply to mail or tells us they arent feeling a connection through reading our profile. Lately our trips to the club have been eye openers in that we would be playing openly and occasionally people would join us at varying levels, but then we realized that the male half of our couple was always left out or would get a quick blow and go, a blowjob never to completion but done out of 'sympathy' since her husband got a blow job so I guess I owe him one kind of attitude.
If we ever sat together at a table, which is what happened most times, no one would approach us, but if she was alone and he was alone at a table or hot tub everyone would go for her but he would sit alone the entire night. When we would leave abruptly it was questioned as to where we were going, the question always posed to him, but they really didnt want her to leave.
We have found that more people then most want to just get their rocks off and don't care for relationships. Many of them don't have respect for the other peoples relationship as long as they have sex we don't care that you two are getting seperated or leaving one out. We arent fans of taking one for the team and thats the attitude we seem to be treated with. We don't think either of us is unattractive, in fact based on body shape and fitness, he is alot better then most at the local swing club, but people don't want to play.
So we have reduced our visits to the local swing club simply to see people we enjoy being around, but never play with. Its usually a cheap drunk night out with a hot tub.
We have also met several couples that "under different circumstances" we could be
good friends wth. But I guess when you meet someone with a precept for sex you take the good with the not so good.
good friends wth. But I guess when you meet someone with a precept for sex you take the good with the not so good.
I think it is difficult to meet a couple that you really like, under the pretext of sex, and they don't want to have sex with you, but still want to be your friends. When you are together as friends, the thoughts always pop up in your head--" Why don't they want to have sex with us? Are we fun, but ugly? Which one of us is turning them off and why?" We are experiencing that very same thing right now with a couple that we like a lot, and it is hard not to wonder what is wrong.
I guess maybe we've been lucky. For the most part we're still really good friends with most of the couples we've played with. I don't if we're just any easy couple to get along with or what lol. I'd like to say we've been really lucky, there hasn't been but one couple we've haven't found common ground and friendship with.
We have a strict no playing on the first "date" policy, and most of the time we've been out a few times before we get in to anything serious. I guess we've just been lucky.
Tandvplay
We have a strict no playing on the first "date" policy, and most of the time we've been out a few times before we get in to anything serious. I guess we've just been lucky.
Tandvplay
We have discovered here in Texas that the profiles that stress friendship usually means that as long as you S&*^W us we'll be your friends and the ones we haven't played with just as the people who started this thread, thoses couples and EVEN SINGLES are long gone. But as we said that's what we've discovered HERE in TEXAS.
We try to stay friends even if sex is not involved. Can't account for what others may do. And if they stop we just chalk it up to me being too ugly and move on. LOL
We have met quite a few people in the lifestyle. We have only played with about half,out of the half that we have not played with only a 1/4 keep in touch,and 1/6th have become really good "friends". So what we have seen is the lifestyle is a matter of scales and balances. The more you people you meet the more friends you end up with and the more "playmates" you end up with.
Never give up hope..we were in the lifestyle for 5 yrs before we found a couple that we are best friends with now.
Never give up hope..we were in the lifestyle for 5 yrs before we found a couple that we are best friends with now.
Same here. *whew* thought maybe we were slow. LOL Took a few years to find folks we were comfortable with.
We've always joked that if we don't have sex with 'em fairly quickly into the process, and especially if we start to become friends, then we won't ever have sex with them. Holds true quite often. We have a few fuck buddies that are also good friends (take trips together, etc.) but it seems the buzz most often comes from the newness aspect of the get-together.
A generalization for us is:
Fuck first, friends later.
Friends first, never fuck.
Our natural inclination is to become friends with people we meet so if we want to get laid regularly we've found we need to be more aggressive in getting the deal done (which isn't quite our nature).
We have become friends with several we have had sex with and even have repeat sex with quite a few but so many seem to be looking for generic, for-the-moment sex toys that once ya become friends the next-new-thing thrill has vanished and sex doesn't happen.
Maybe it's just us...
A generalization for us is:
Fuck first, friends later.
Friends first, never fuck.
Our natural inclination is to become friends with people we meet so if we want to get laid regularly we've found we need to be more aggressive in getting the deal done (which isn't quite our nature).
We have become friends with several we have had sex with and even have repeat sex with quite a few but so many seem to be looking for generic, for-the-moment sex toys that once ya become friends the next-new-thing thrill has vanished and sex doesn't happen.
Maybe it's just us...
I think everone here agrees with me that we hope we never become Hottie's friend
Well, at least have sex with us first! ;-)
Yea, That's what I ment!!! LOL
There are lots of times that, during this lifestyle, a person is going to expierience rejection. Exspecially if you dont have the perfect body, age, whatever. I just dont take it personal, this lifestyle is based on physical attraction, like it or not, and not everybody is going to be physically attracted to you. I just move on and keep trying. Somebody out there is going to like me, lol.
Sorry, "meant" I don't want the spell check police to
chastise me.
chastise me.
We agree, Fuck first, friends later - Friends first, never fuck. If the sex is good friendships grow. Sex can ruin a good friendship.
Good topic! We have been fortunate in our short time as a couple in this lifestyle to have met wonderful people. We have fucked some of them, and some we are friends with, and have yet to fuck. We prefer to get to know someone first before we jump into bed, but, if the chemistry is right, LET'S FUCK! LOL
We go for quality, not quantity, when we meet others. It is not important to jump into bed on the first meet. We do love to flirt, and we can get comfortable with a couple rather quickly, again, if the chemistry is right.
That is what the lifestyle is for us, and we are enjoying it so far!
Ron & Chrissy
We go for quality, not quantity, when we meet others. It is not important to jump into bed on the first meet. We do love to flirt, and we can get comfortable with a couple rather quickly, again, if the chemistry is right.
That is what the lifestyle is for us, and we are enjoying it so far!
Ron & Chrissy
I feel your pain Alini.
It seems single men are the bulk of interest in us and, even when not, what I have to remind Shelli of that is generally true for them as well is that it's not about "us" but her and I'm just the guy who okays the play. I am merely the permission slip... the hall pass... the means to the end which is to get with Shelli. And for single men that's fine... REALLY... but what drives me nuts about it is those people treating me like I don't know this. I don't know about you, but that makes it hard for me to want to meet anyone. I know that she is the main interest and to patronize me is insulting. But, because I love my wife and it's hard for her to both catch when it happens and understand why it bugs me, I try to blow it off and concentrate on making sure it never boils down to me watching as everyone else has fun. I've told her plainly that once it gets to that in any play she best not be surprised when I say it's time to go.... as in right now. Anf if I find that it's coming from her as well..... swingtime is over then. (I doubt the latter will EVER happen, but it's best to make sure we know where we stand with playing.)
So all I can suggest is to make sure everyone who wants to play understands that you are a couple and play is as a couple or not at all.... and she is YOUR wife. And then try and focus on her and you having fun and blow off the attitude or stupidity of others. It isn't easy but it's all I know to do or say to help... other than you aren't alone in noticing it. I'm afraid it will always be more about them than it will ever be about us.
Let me know if you have anything that works for you.
Aj
It seems single men are the bulk of interest in us and, even when not, what I have to remind Shelli of that is generally true for them as well is that it's not about "us" but her and I'm just the guy who okays the play. I am merely the permission slip... the hall pass... the means to the end which is to get with Shelli. And for single men that's fine... REALLY... but what drives me nuts about it is those people treating me like I don't know this. I don't know about you, but that makes it hard for me to want to meet anyone. I know that she is the main interest and to patronize me is insulting. But, because I love my wife and it's hard for her to both catch when it happens and understand why it bugs me, I try to blow it off and concentrate on making sure it never boils down to me watching as everyone else has fun. I've told her plainly that once it gets to that in any play she best not be surprised when I say it's time to go.... as in right now. Anf if I find that it's coming from her as well..... swingtime is over then. (I doubt the latter will EVER happen, but it's best to make sure we know where we stand with playing.)
So all I can suggest is to make sure everyone who wants to play understands that you are a couple and play is as a couple or not at all.... and she is YOUR wife. And then try and focus on her and you having fun and blow off the attitude or stupidity of others. It isn't easy but it's all I know to do or say to help... other than you aren't alone in noticing it. I'm afraid it will always be more about them than it will ever be about us.
Let me know if you have anything that works for you.
Aj
Opps.... forgot the topic comment! Lol
We haven't found "good friends" yet but friendship possibilities is a real component in play with anyone we meet, especially if play is to happen more than once.
As far as I'm concerned the possibility of having good friends who we have sex with is pretty small. Good aquaintinences is the best I expect and if we find good friends that the sex will stop. And honestly to have good friends who are also sex playmates is asking for problems. It's easier to insure feelings don't get all mixed up if there is distance. So maybe limiting expectations to finding one or the other but not both would help. Also making sure that you know the others are or are not looking for play right off. If both expectations match before meeting the connections should be easier to make.
Just my take on things. But I'm weird. Lol
Aj
We haven't found "good friends" yet but friendship possibilities is a real component in play with anyone we meet, especially if play is to happen more than once.
As far as I'm concerned the possibility of having good friends who we have sex with is pretty small. Good aquaintinences is the best I expect and if we find good friends that the sex will stop. And honestly to have good friends who are also sex playmates is asking for problems. It's easier to insure feelings don't get all mixed up if there is distance. So maybe limiting expectations to finding one or the other but not both would help. Also making sure that you know the others are or are not looking for play right off. If both expectations match before meeting the connections should be easier to make.
Just my take on things. But I'm weird. Lol
Aj
We have decided that finding a "friend" in the lifestyle is no different then going to a party where you don't know anyone personally, seeing people you think look attractive and interesting, and trying to start a friendship with them! Most of the time people will be friendly but by the end of the night you may not have made any friends at all, just acquaintences that you would at least be able to recognize and talk to should you meet them again in the future. It is like friends out of the lifestyle, the more functions you attend together with the same people the better chance you have of finding more things in common and striking up a meaningful friendship.
We have come to the conclusion that unless you are really just interested in sex, don't bother "looking" for friends in the lifestyle, just recognize them when they materialize and be thankful when you meet people that you hit it off with. We have also found that there are a fairly large number of polyamory people that frequent swing sites and functions and they are the easiest people to make friends with because their main focus is on the relationship, not the sex. Not that all poly peeps have that mindset, but most of the people we have met are much more interested in the relationship than the sex.
Another problem we have come up against is prioritising time to meet with people after the initial get together. We met a couple back in November or December and because of work schedules, holidays, illness, "life in general" we have not been able to get together again even though we like each other very much and look forward to developing the friendship and feelings we all felt for one another in our initial meeting. The fact that we live over an hour apart doesn't make it very easy either! lol
Good luck to all and we wish you the best in your persuit of love and laughter and friends to share it with!
We have come to the conclusion that unless you are really just interested in sex, don't bother "looking" for friends in the lifestyle, just recognize them when they materialize and be thankful when you meet people that you hit it off with. We have also found that there are a fairly large number of polyamory people that frequent swing sites and functions and they are the easiest people to make friends with because their main focus is on the relationship, not the sex. Not that all poly peeps have that mindset, but most of the people we have met are much more interested in the relationship than the sex.
Another problem we have come up against is prioritising time to meet with people after the initial get together. We met a couple back in November or December and because of work schedules, holidays, illness, "life in general" we have not been able to get together again even though we like each other very much and look forward to developing the friendship and feelings we all felt for one another in our initial meeting. The fact that we live over an hour apart doesn't make it very easy either! lol
Good luck to all and we wish you the best in your persuit of love and laughter and friends to share it with!
We have come to the conclusion that a lot of you are making this way too difficult. Sexual variety is what we are looking for. This is why we don't have rules and don't need chemistry. Rules get in the way, and we already have chemistry. We just want to have sex with other people. If friendship develops, then that is a bonus. On the other hand, we don't have to have sex to be friends.
We have had sex with couples that we were not that attracted to and still had fun. We have also had sex with couples that we were very attracted to and didn't have so much fun. Why did we not have fun? RULES! I thought we all got into the lifestyle for the same reason---- to have sex with other people. Why do you have to label everything? We are not looking for soulmates. We already are that. We are not looking for chemistry. We already have that. So if you are friends, GREAT, have sex. If you are not friends, GREAT, have sex. Isn't that why we are in the lifestyle?
We have had sex with couples that we were not that attracted to and still had fun. We have also had sex with couples that we were very attracted to and didn't have so much fun. Why did we not have fun? RULES! I thought we all got into the lifestyle for the same reason---- to have sex with other people. Why do you have to label everything? We are not looking for soulmates. We already are that. We are not looking for chemistry. We already have that. So if you are friends, GREAT, have sex. If you are not friends, GREAT, have sex. Isn't that why we are in the lifestyle?
We also originally wanted to meet people for the sex but have found it makes little differnce if they want to jump in bed with us or not,we have made many wonderful friends,that we wouldnt have had the pleasure meeting otherwise.
in your single life how many people did you meet, have sex with, stop having sex with, and stay friends?
C'mon folks, it's not rocket science.
The law of averages says a slim percentage of the people you meet will actually want to stay friends. And since most are here for sex NO MATTER WHAT THEIR PROFILE SAYS, that slims it even further.
Another point to consider: maybe your not the type of person people WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH.
We've had no problems maintaining the relationships we've formed, we've just learned where to draw the line as far as sharing too much personal information, etc... most people could care less about our personal problems, etc...this type relationshhip is meant to remain SOCIAL.
We can't even BEGIN to explain all the times we've met a great couple, been very interested, and been BORED TO DEATH with hour after hour of them babling on about themselves, thier finances, thier kids, etc... It kinda kills the mood.
Keep it sociable...and keep your friends
C'mon folks, it's not rocket science.
The law of averages says a slim percentage of the people you meet will actually want to stay friends. And since most are here for sex NO MATTER WHAT THEIR PROFILE SAYS, that slims it even further.
Another point to consider: maybe your not the type of person people WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH.
We've had no problems maintaining the relationships we've formed, we've just learned where to draw the line as far as sharing too much personal information, etc... most people could care less about our personal problems, etc...this type relationshhip is meant to remain SOCIAL.
We can't even BEGIN to explain all the times we've met a great couple, been very interested, and been BORED TO DEATH with hour after hour of them babling on about themselves, thier finances, thier kids, etc... It kinda kills the mood.
Keep it sociable...and keep your friends