I have a girlfriend who has been verbally abused by her soon-to-be ex and has not enjoyed the mutually giving as he was so selfish only interested in his pleasure. I want to pleasure her with cunnilingus but she isn't interested. She thinks her vagina is disgusting. Is there anyone who can give an honest response that will help her to become more interested. Only serious answers please.
If I were acting like she's acting it would be because I felt bad for a former friend who's now homeless but I wasn't that sexually attracted to and I hoped he took the hint. I see excuses and inaction that contradict what you understand her wants to be; that's the bigger problem overall, not the fact she won't let you touch her intimately. You don't concentrate on your homelessness but I'll wager it's heavy on her mind and that is NOT a sexy trait. It's clearly not making her want to have sex w/ you as well as strangers and could be what's behind her wish for you to keep busy writing sexy texts while not letting you touch her. That's what I get when I stand in her shoes and look at the situation.
SLOW DOWN PEOPLE......YOU ARE JUDGING ME WITHOUT KNOWING ME. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST DELETE MY POST. YOU PEOPLE ARE WAY WAY WAY TO QUICK TO START HAMMERING ME AND HER. PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE. WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE AND I JUST WANT TO PLEASE HER
CHEFFETTE wrote:
If I were acting like she's acting it would be because I felt bad for a former friend who's now homeless but I wasn't that sexually attracted to and I hoped he took the hint. I see excuses and inaction that contradict what you understand her wants to be; that's the bigger problem overall, not the fact she won't let you touch her intimately. You don't concentrate on your homelessness but I'll wager it's heavy on her mind and that is NOT a sexy trait. It's clearly not making her want to have sex w/ you as well as strangers and could be what's behind her wish for you to keep busy writing sexy texts while not letting you touch her. That's what I get when I stand in her shoes and look at the situation.
Wait a minute! She lets me touch her. I'm not a homeless loser. I was in a temporary crisis that was not of my choosing or making. She's NOT acting any way or the other. We are in the early stages of developing our sexual bonding. Please be considerate. She is very emotionally traumatized from years and years with an abusive jerk and never had the opportunity to experience cunnilingus. Her perception is off and she realizes it. I am just asking for suggestions on how to help her let go and allow me to show her how pleasurable it is.
If she has had as much abuse and lack of sexual experience as you say, it might just take a long time for her to become comfortable with her own body again. She may never get to that point even with time. All you can do is give Her the most support you can and let things progress as they may.
WAKEBOARDING wrote:
If she thinks a vagina is disgusting. this might not be the place for her ever! I think this lifestyle \ website would tip her over?!?!?!?
She is open minded....just traumatized and again...SHE KNOWS I have a profile here. She isn't na
MYRNASTWINS wrote:
If she has had as much abuse and lack of sexual experience as you say, it might just take a long time for her to become comfortable with her own body again. She may never get to that point even with time. All you can do is give Her the most support you can and let things progress as they may.
NOW THERE'S A KIND HEARTED REAL REPLY....THANK YOU. I agree that its going to take some time. However I don't sugar coat myself in being expressive. I am NEVER disrespectful to her but I won't just let it go either. She understands that I just want to please her. I would never do anything selfishly. I do however believe that she will begin to relax and trust me more and more as time heals her wounds. She will come to realize that I have a heart of gold and the monster is gone.
ILLUSTRATOR wrote:
Friend, You should consider clicking edit on your dissertation and shorten it to, "I have a girlfriend who has been verbally abused by her soon-to-be ex and doesn't feel worthy. I want to pleasure her with cunnilingus but she isn't interested. She thinks her vagina is disgusting. Is there anyone who can give an honest response that will help her to become more interested. Only serious answers please."
By writing so much of your background story, you may embarass her to where she may never be interested. The two responses above by Wakeboarding and Cheffette are also valid possibilities. She may need some counseling to feel worthy of love and physical pleasure. 10 years of abuse tears at the soul. She needs time to resolve her troubles and find her own sense of self-respect. She just may need space and once you become independent and move out on your own, that may allow her to heal more fully.
Very true. I did go off but I am honest and we both have had a very difficult year. However I believe its a beautiful and very amazing set of circumstances that has brought us together. I am finally connecting after decades with a woman of my dreams and she is being pampered and guided and morally supported through a very stressful and difficult time. I felt it was necessary to expose the truth and maybe some of the ladies might have a better chance of helping me to understand her under these circumstances. Thank you for your honest kind reply BTW....you convinced me and I copied and pasted your suggestion. Thanks again
I think you are really beginning to over think this whole thing every time some one says something you react. You Possibly might want to sit back and let things take shape as they may. Take the good things said and go from there. I agree you have let way too much of yourself out here and that allows for too much speculation on our parts
ILLUSTRATOR wrote:
Realize that healing from a damaging relationship isn't easy and that it is better done on your own strength. You may be trying too hard to save her and that's not healthy for her. Men want to save us, but we need to save ourselves in order to be truly healthy. It's hard for many men to hear this, but it's true. If you love her as much as you say you do, you will allow her the opportunity to go the rest of the way without pressure to explore the part of her body she's not ready to discover. You've planted the seed. She might choose to do so. Pressuring her into cunnilingus will not make her enjoy it. It may, however, cause her to dislike it that much more while pretending to enjoy it to please you. Not all women enjoy cunnilingus. Good luck with your situation. Remember, if you truly love her, you will back away to give her all the space she wants and/or needs.
Thank you thrice! I totally agree with what you have said. Are you a therapist? If not you should consider it. All these suggestions I have already deeply considered. I absolutely agree not to push her. I am sincerely trying to learn and understand how emotionally abused woman think and feel after they remove the abuser. I have spent long hours reading online and I will continue to open my mind wide so I can best accommodate her. I also realize that by my eagerness to learn, it gives me an opportunity to take inventory of myself so I can change or reshape the man I am to be more sensitive to her needs.
MYRNASTWINS wrote:
I think you are really beginning to over think this whole thing every time some one says something you react. You Possibly might want to sit back and let things take shape as they may. Take the good things said and go from there. I agree you have let way too much of yourself out here and that allows for too much speculation on our parts
You are absolutely right. Thank you. I apologize to those I may have snapped back at. I did however take the advice of another very intelligent and caring member and shortened my posting,
She clearly indicated she is not interested in cunnilingus. No means No. It doesn't mean you negotiate, plead, or harass her for consent. I suggest you respect Her right to make Her own decisions about Her body.Your reasons for wanting it are irrelevant, and continuing in your current vein only shows your selfishness, not any real concern for her well-being.
Just send her to our place, we'll show her the ropes.. 
TREETREE wrote:
She clearly indicated she is not interested in cunnilingus. No means No. It doesn't mean you negotiate, plead, or harass her for consent. I suggest you respect Her right to make Her own decisions about Her body.Your reasons for wanting it are irrelevant, and continuing in your current vein only shows your selfishness, not any real concern for her well-being.
Well said. The more I read of the OP the more I see a desire to control another person.
AFRIENDOFAFRIEND wrote:MYRNASTWINS wrote:
If she has had as much abuse and lack of sexual experience as you say, it might just take a long time for her to become comfortable with her own body again. She may never get to that point even with time. All you can do is give Her the most support you can and let things progress as they may.
NOW THERE'S A KIND HEARTED REAL REPLY....THANK YOU. I agree that its going to take some time. However I don't sugar coat myself in being expressive. I am NEVER disrespectful to her but I won't just let it go either. She understands that I just want to please her. I would never do anything selfishly. I do however believe that she will begin to relax and trust me more and more as time heals her wounds. She will come to realize that I have a heart of gold and the monster is gone.
Mine was a kind-hearted and real reply, you just didn't like what it contained b/c I didn't agree w/ what you want from this woman. She can know all these great things about you and still not want to be intimate w/ you; no one's a martyr here, nor a monster. But it's interesting to see you imply there was a monster before that's gone now; what monster do you mean? And why doesn't she already feel you have a heart of gold since you've known each other so long and been through so much painful growing this past year?
Why is it such a big deal for you that she let you go down on her? If I've learned anything about women in my lifetime it's that women most often need to feel very secure in a relationship before they can truly let themselves go and open up and possibly...POSSIBLY embrace something that they were previously uncomfortable with whether it be cunnilingus or swinging or whatever. I've had a LOT of single guys ask me over the years how they can find a woman who is willing to swing or how they can get their vanilla girlfriend to swing. I ALWAYS tell them they're putting the cart before the horse and in effect making swinging a dealbreaker for having some kind of a relationship with a woman. My experience has been that that's absolutely the wrong way to approach it. Personally, and I know it's not what you want to hear, I would NOT pressure her at all to do anything sexually that she for whatever reason isn't comfortable with. I don't see it any different, really, than being in a swinging situation and trying to convince a woman who is someone else's partner to do something she didn't want to do. My advice? If you really want to have a close intimate relationship with this woman then with time and patience you might build trust and eventually she may let you go down on her. If, on the other hand, she's just a fuck buddy and you don't really plan on letting the relationship progress then I think you should just drop it, or drop the relationship. JMHO
ps- It appears you've edited your initial post quite a bit so perhaps there are factors I'm unaware of but likely my advice still stands.
ps- It appears you've edited your initial post quite a bit so perhaps there are factors I'm unaware of but likely my advice still stands.
Many of the opinions stated here are good. From my perspective as a male I think getting this woman to feel comfortable with you and being able to trust you are probably two of the most important things you can do. Complements and anything to develop self confidence will probably help her a great deal. Let her be confident and trust you. Don't put the pleasure on to perform certain things she is uncomfortable with. You say that its for her but it can easily be perceived as being pressured to do something you do not want to. Perhaps if you have patience and make this woman feel good about herself things will get to where you want with little to no effort. Good luck, you are gonna need it.
TREETREE wrote:
She clearly indicated she is not interested in cunnilingus. No means No. It doesn't mean you negotiate, plead, or harass her for consent. I suggest you respect Her right to make Her own decisions about Her body.Your reasons for wanting it are irrelevant, and continuing in your current vein only shows your selfishness, not any real concern for her well-being.
No that is not the way it is. I'm absolutely not selfish. I don't negotiate, plead or harass. And I have GREAT concern for her well being.
CHEFFETTE wrote:TREETREE wrote:
She clearly indicated she is not interested in cunnilingus. No means No. It doesn't mean you negotiate, plead, or harass her for consent. I suggest you respect Her right to make Her own decisions about Her body.Your reasons for wanting it are irrelevant, and continuing in your current vein only shows your selfishness, not any real concern for her well-being.
Well said. The more I read of the OP the more I see a desire to control another person.
I'm laughing. Its absolutely not about control. Please you are assuming things without knowing her or myself. Instead of offering advice you are looking for ways to assume that my motives are wrong. When you were a virgin, didn't the male find it necessary to woo you or seduce you? We have discussed this numerous times and she admits her perception of it is unusual, she just needs to let go and she's not quite ready for that. I'm not rushing her or pushing her. I just thought I might see what others think and I'm getting slammed with assumptions that are unfair and just not even close to reality with us.
WETANDHARDUTCPL wrote:
Just send her to our place, we'll show her the ropes..
HAHAHA!!! I will see if she is interested. Thanks for the offer. That's what I wanna hear!!!
CHEFFETTE wrote:AFRIENDOFAFRIEND wrote:
[quote=MYRNASTWINS]If she has had as much abuse and lack of sexual experience as you say, it might just take a long time for her to become comfortable with her own body again. She may never get to that point even with time. All you can do is give Her the most support you can and let things progress as they may.
NOW THERE'S A KIND HEARTED REAL REPLY....THANK YOU. I agree that its going to take some time. However I don't sugar coat myself in being expressive. I am NEVER disrespectful to her but I won't just let it go either. She understands that I just want to please her. I would never do anything selfishly. I do however believe that she will begin to relax and trust me more and more as time heals her wounds. She will come to realize that I have a heart of gold and the monster is gone.
Mine was a kind-hearted and real reply, you just didn't like what it contained b/c I didn't agree w/ what you want from this woman. She can know all these great things about you and still not want to be intimate w/ you; no one's a martyr here, nor a monster. But it's interesting to see you imply there was a monster before that's gone now; what monster do you mean? And why doesn't she already feel you have a heart of gold since you've known each other so long and been through so much painful growing this past year?[/quote]
My friend....the monster is her soon to be ex husband who verbally,emotionally and financially abused her for many many years. She absolutely knows I have a heart of gold because of the constant effort and persistent efforts that I have put forth to help her to get through this divorce and to get control of her financial security which he has committed crimes of identity theft, stolen checks and forged them, filed fraudulent insurance claims against her policy.....,neglected to help her around the home leaving her unable to do everything. I believe that she will eventually let go of her uneasiness of cunnilingus because she is a very sexual woman and we openly discuss sex. She's just been controlled and has never known what its like to be shown real affection and freedom to be herself. I appreciate your participation in my thread and I hope that you can begin to sense the kind of gentleman that I really am. It's very difficult to be seen as a gentleman these days thanks to the high percentage of humans that I share gender with who are selfish controlling insecure a-holes
CHEFFETTE wrote:AFRIENDOFAFRIEND wrote:
[quote=MYRNASTWINS]If she has had as much abuse and lack of sexual experience as you say, it might just take a long time for her to become comfortable with her own body again. She may never get to that point even with time. All you can do is give Her the most support you can and let things progress as they may.
NOW THERE'S A KIND HEARTED REAL REPLY....THANK YOU. I agree that its going to take some time. However I don't sugar coat myself in being expressive. I am NEVER disrespectful to her but I won't just let it go either. She understands that I just want to please her. I would never do anything selfishly. I do however believe that she will begin to relax and trust me more and more as time heals her wounds. She will come to realize that I have a heart of gold and the monster is gone.
Mine was a kind-hearted and real reply, you just didn't like what it contained b/c I didn't agree w/ what you want from this woman. She can know all these great things about you and still not want to be intimate w/ you; no one's a martyr here, nor a monster. But it's interesting to see you imply there was a monster before that's gone now; what monster do you mean? And why doesn't she already feel you have a heart of gold since you've known each other so long and been through so much painful growing this past year?[/quote]
My friend....the monster is her soon to be ex husband who verbally,emotionally and financially abused her for many many years. She absolutely knows I have a heart of gold because of the constant effort and persistent efforts that I have put forth to help her to get through this divorce and to get control of her financial security which he has committed crimes of identity theft, stolen checks and forged them, filed fraudulent insurance claims against her policy.....,neglected to help her around the home leaving her unable to do everything. I believe that she will eventually let go of her uneasiness of cunnilingus because she is a very sexual woman and we openly discuss sex. She's just been controlled and has never known what its like to be shown real affection and freedom to be herself. I appreciate your participation in my thread and I hope that you can begin to sense the kind of gentleman that I really am. It's very difficult to be seen as a gentleman these days thanks to the high percentage of humans that I share gender with who are selfish controlling insecure a-holes
HAOPENGYOU wrote:ILLUSTRATOR wrote:
Realize that healing from a damaging relationship isn't easy and that it is better done on your own strength. You may be trying too hard to save her and that's not healthy for her. Men want to save us, but we need to save ourselves in order to be truly healthy. It's hard for many men to hear this, but it's true. If you love her as much as you say you do, you will allow her the opportunity to go the rest of the way without pressure to explore the part of her body she's not ready to discover. You've planted the seed. She might choose to do so. Pressuring her into cunnilingus will not make her enjoy it. It may, however, cause her to dislike it that much more while pretending to enjoy it to please you. Not all women enjoy cunnilingus. Good luck with your situation. Remember, if you truly love her, you will back away to give her all the space she wants and/or needs.
She's right my friend. Try as we might, we cannot abrogate the free will of those we love, even when it would clearly be in their best interest. And the followup question is this; Who are we to say what is in their best interest?
By what you said, she just came from a relationship in which she was robbed of her power and control. The only way for her to regain that power and control is by her own volition and action. If you seek to do it for her, you teach her that now YOU have the power and control, rather than she. That would prolong her suffering, and impede her healing.
Just take a few steps back, and let her find her way, knowing that you will be there to help her if she asks for that help, but she has to make the decisions.
Men have difficulty understanding women who have been abused by a man. There's no way we can know what they went through. We simply cannot judge or say what she should do. I am told by a close friend who came from a very abusive marriage that such trauma can never completely go away. She says that it can be managed and mitigated, but never fully erased.
All you can really do is love her, and if you truly do love her, you'll allow her to grow, even if it causes pain to you. That's pure love given freely my friend, and it's within you to do it. Look for it. She needs you to be strong enough to let her struggle and strive, while you suffer in silence behind her.
Best of luck. I feel for the both of you.
Very nice reply thank you. I am absolutely in agreement with most of this but as I have been defending myself here today, I am very sensitive to not controlling her and I do believe that with ongoing positive reinforcement with kindness, respect, trust, gentle affection and awareness of the benefits of therapy together, we will eliminate most and possibly all of the damages that she has suffered. I believe in miracles as I have experienced numerous small ones throughout my own life. Thank You
******UPDATE******
My friend I have been reading over and over what I have shared and expressed and every one of the replies from those of you who expressed themselves. It's been quite uhm.....hostile? (for lack of a better word). However, as I read your very eloquent and frank comments I realized that you are absolutely right on the mark. In fact I just realized that I have and will continue to approach this (not the oral thing) situation precisely as you described. I am humbled by this paragraph that you wrote:
" All you can really do is love her, and if you truly do love her, you'll allow her to grow, even if it causes pain to you. That's pure love given freely my friend, and it's within you to do it. Look for it. She needs you to be strong enough to let her struggle and strive, while you suffer in silence behind her."
That paragraph right there is exactly how I feel. I have stepped back a LOT. I have pretty much stopped any physically affectionate approaching towards her. I wait until I am certain that she is obviously approachable, usually when we go out and have some fun where we will hug and hold each other.....a few romantic passionate kisses and lots of praise and admiration through kind understanding words and attentiveness. Open the car door for her....stuff like a gentleman should. And I certainly do share her pain and I can only hope that my persistent efforts to assist her and carry some of her weight will make a difference for her..... like mow the lawn, cook, make her lunches for work, laundry, misc fix its around her house or anything I can find to do for her that needs someone to step up and get it handled. I am aware that I can very easily lose her because she may not be ready for me now or maybe ever? Only my higher power can answer that question and so far he seems to have control of the steering wheel driving in a direction that appears that a smoother highway might be ahead in the distance. Thank you so much for your inspiration.
EVILDOERS wrote:
Why is it such a big deal for you that she let you go down on her? If I've learned anything about women in my lifetime it's that women most often need to feel very secure in a relationship before they can truly let themselves go and open up and possibly...POSSIBLY embrace something that they were previously uncomfortable with whether it be cunnilingus or swinging or whatever. I've had a LOT of single guys ask me over the years how they can find a woman who is willing to swing or how they can get their vanilla girlfriend to swing. I ALWAYS tell them they're putting the cart before the horse and in effect making swinging a dealbreaker for having some kind of a relationship with a woman. My experience has been that that's absolutely the wrong way to approach it. Personally, and I know it's not what you want to hear, I would NOT pressure her at all to do anything sexually that she for whatever reason isn't comfortable with. I don't see it any different, really, than being in a swinging situation and trying to convince a woman who is someone else's partner to do something she didn't want to do. My advice? If you really want to have a close intimate relationship with this woman then with time and patience you might build trust and eventually she may let you go down on her. If, on the other hand, she's just a fuck buddy and you don't really plan on letting the relationship progress then I think you should just drop it, or drop the relationship. JMHO
ps- It appears you've edited your initial post quite a bit so perhaps there are factors I'm unaware of but likely my advice still stands.
Thank you for participating in my thread today. I really do listen and I must express that I am honored to be the lucky guy that has this opportunity to share a relationship with this woman I have yearned for so long. It's a very surreal experience to say the least. She certainly isn't and will not be just a fuck buddy haha. And as far as swinging goes, I have learned some very painful lessons over the years. I used to think and ask the same questions you were referring above. Thank GAWD I have let it go. I no longer have that obsession with needing or wanting to swing. It's a very frustrating mindset for a single OR a married/attached man to live with if he isn't one of the very lucky few to somehow find themselves with a woman who just so happens to ahare the same desires. It's not as do or die as I may have led some of you to believe in regards to whether or not she lets go and allows me to show her. It's just something I really enjoy and I won't to show her some of the wonderful normal experiences she was never introduced to before. I am fully on board with taking time and allowing her to enjoy her freedom. I will share our journey here as I am now an official lifetime member (yay who) I am no longer searching for sex here. But I have few very close friends that you may already know. I just find people in the lifestyle to share a lot of the same views and I really like YALL
AFRIENDOFAFRIEND wrote:CHEFFETTE wrote:
[quote=TREETREE]She clearly indicated she is not interested in cunnilingus. No means No. It doesn't mean you negotiate, plead, or harass her for consent. I suggest you respect Her right to make Her own decisions about Her body.Your reasons for wanting it are irrelevant, and continuing in your current vein only shows your selfishness, not any real concern for her well-being.
Well said. The more I read of the OP the more I see a desire to control another person.
I'm laughing. Its absolutely not about control. Please you are assuming things without knowing her or myself. Instead of offering advice you are looking for ways to assume that my motives are wrong. When you were a virgin, didn't the male find it necessary to woo you or seduce you? We have discussed this numerous times and she admits her perception of it is unusual, she just needs to let go and she's not quite ready for that. I'm not rushing her or pushing her. I just thought I might see what others think and I'm getting slammed with assumptions that are unfair and just not even close to reality with us.[/quote]
How nice that issues of consent vs. assault make you laugh. Wooing and seducing still require a YES from her. You've discussed it numerous times and She is not ready. Not ready=no. As for her dislike of cunnilingus being unusual, according to whom? You, the all powerful decider? You have a choice, judge her and try to convince her she is wrong and you are right, or, my advice, since you need it spelled out: support her and drop the subject. apologize to her, listen to her, and believe her. Realize that freedom to be herself includes freedom to say no to your sexual desires.
Let her have space and that includes you. With her "soon to be" ex committing multiple felonies upon her, why is it soon to be. With all this drama in her life you ask swingular people how you should approach going down on her?
Like you mentioned at the beginning that you should delete the thread. Delete it and leave her alone.
Like you mentioned at the beginning that you should delete the thread. Delete it and leave her alone.
Why is it so important to go down on her? If she enjoys pleasure in other ways, just do it in those ways. Sometimes the Mrs. doesn't feel like me going down on her, so she let's me know, I don't do it, we have a good fuck and both end up satisfied. I agree with several of the others who have mentioned that you shouldn't be "pressuring" her to let you go down on her. She's getting out of a controlling relationship, let her experience being in control for once. You do what she tells you to do, and let her feel how a woman should feel by having control in her own life, including the bedroom.
DEEPMOAN wrote:
Let her have space and that includes you. With her "soon to be" ex committing multiple felonies upon her, why is it soon to be. With all this drama in her life you ask swingular people how you should approach going down on her?
Like you mentioned at the beginning that you should delete the thread. Delete it and leave her alone.
Im not in a rush to go down on her. Did I say anywhere that I was frantically craving her clitoris? No I did not. The only reason I felt like deleting my thread is because of quick to judge overly intelligent replies like yours. I was just sitting here on a Saturday afternoon surfing the web and I got curious and thought you people might be sincerely non-judgemental but I was sadly mistaken and unfairly and immediately taken out of context. And I do not plan on leaving her alone. It has been 36 years since I first laid eyes on her and I haven't stopped thinking about her to this very day. I wont behave or do ANYTHING to scare her away or cause her to feel uncomfortable. We have had lots and lots of open mature enjoyable conversations regarding all kinds of sexual activities and topics.....including cunnilingus which I have repeatedly assured her I will never pressure her or nag her or try to persuade her to try it. In fact we have not yet fully had intercourse yet which is just fine with me. (Complimentary erotic revelation coming up) However we have had numerous very erotic passionate bubble baths to groovy romantic jazz music, candles all over the place where we just rolled around and touched each other changing positions where I could hold her and hug her. We did everything but cunnilingus and intercourse followed by an intensely erotic and deeply passionate shower where she soaped me up and scrubbed me EVERYWHERE and vice versa. We are having a BEAUTIFUL very profoundly surreal experience of a lifetime and we are being very careful. We are in the wonderfully exciting early stages of falling deeply and eternally in love so we can reclaim her inner soul and spirit that has been victimized and held hostage for decades. This is such an amazing love story it could seriously be a great movie plot. Both of us have a riveting dramatic but rewarding life story. We are two people who have yearned for true love that is free and trusting and mutually unselfish. PLEASE....my Swingular friends.....I have read a LOT of your comments on other peoples posts.....especially us single guys who are understandably stereotyped as douchebags and losers. I have read some very snotty, self righteous know it all comments. I can only hope that your own marriages or relationships are as good and as smooth as the vibe you project through your words.....or are some of you just too embarrassed to throw up a post of your own asking for advice on a very private and personal topic. Pardon me for being so defensive but you know what? I'm not afraid to say exactly how I feel and I really don't care about what ANYONE thinks but when I am hammered by comments that are pathetically judgmental with a scornful attitude, I'm going to correct you and hopefully you might pause and rethink how your mindset is before you start pointing fingers assuming the worst because I'm a horny crude filthy single male. Go ahead and hammer at me some more!!! I love to bare my soul and express how you people make me feel. I'm much more pre-occupied with the level of rudeness than I am about......uhm...what was my original question?
TREETREE wrote:AFRIENDOFAFRIEND wrote:
[quote=CHEFFETTE][quote=TREETREE]She clearly indicated she is not interested in cunnilingus. No means No. It doesn't mean you negotiate, plead, or harass her for consent. I suggest you respect Her right to make Her own decisions about Her body.Your reasons for wanting it are irrelevant, and continuing in your current vein only shows your selfishness, not any real concern for her well-being.
Well said. The more I read of the OP the more I see a desire to control another person.
I'm laughing. Its absolutely not about control. Please you are assuming things without knowing her or myself. Instead of offering advice you are looking for ways to assume that my motives are wrong. When you were a virgin, didn't the male find it necessary to woo you or seduce you? We have discussed this numerous times and she admits her perception of it is unusual, she just needs to let go and she's not quite ready for that. I'm not rushing her or pushing her. I just thought I might see what others think and I'm getting slammed with assumptions that are unfair and just not even close to reality with us.[/quote]
How nice that issues of consent vs. assault make you laugh. Wooing and seducing still require a YES from her. You've discussed it numerous times and She is not ready. Not ready=no. As for her dislike of cunnilingus being unusual, according to whom? You, the all powerful decider? You have a choice, judge her and try to convince her she is wrong and you are right, or, my advice, since you need it spelled out: support her and drop the subject. apologize to her, listen to her, and believe her. Realize that freedom to be herself includes freedom to say no to your sexual desires. [/quote]
WOW just WOW......I'm STILL laughing. You people are just not getting it. I have gone into GREAT detail describing the fact that I AM NOT PRESSURING HER.....Let me correct myself. She has not expressed a dislike for cunnilingus....she just has never experienced it before and her abusive selfish self serving ex husband has brainwashed her to think its filthy and smelly so he could just lay back and enjoy his blow jobs every time he ordered her to please him. PAH-LEEZ give me some respect here. I'm not an insensitive bonehead. I have spent long hours staying up till 3 am studying everything available online trying to understand what happens to a woman that has suffered a life of verbal, emotional and financial abuse. I'm whole heartedly committed to educating myself as much as possible so I can be the absolutely best and most effective partner for her as she moves forward into her new life of freedom and serenity. I have also come to realize and identify some of my own wrongful past behaviors and attitudes where I should have been much more aware of my former spouses feelings. I am very committed to taking inventory of myself in this process and believe me....snacking on her chooch is not a priority by a long shot. Being the best man I can be for her, protecting her and assisting her with numerous financial identity theft issues and ongoing battles as this prick is still coming at her. So please.....read and consider all the time consuming attempts to defend and explain myself as I have replied to everyone's criticism on this thread. Can anyone comment on something positive that I have said? Can we just set this oral sex question aside for as moment as its become a one sided attack on my character and motives? Has anyone noticed anything good about what I have openly and honestly shared here in the past 24 hours?
AFRIENDOFAFRIEND wrote:DEEPMOAN wrote:
Let her have space and that includes you. With her "soon to be" ex committing multiple felonies upon her, why is it soon to be. With all this drama in her life you ask swingular people how you should approach going down on her?
Like you mentioned at the beginning that you should delete the thread. Delete it and leave her alone.
Im not in a rush to go down on her. Did I say anywhere that I was frantically craving her clitoris? No I did not. The only reason I felt like deleting my thread is because of quick to judge overly intelligent replies like yours. I was just sitting here on a Saturday afternoon surfing the web and I got curious and thought you people might be sincerely non-judgemental but I was sadly mistaken and unfairly and immediately taken out of context. And I do not plan on leaving her alone. It has been 36 years since I first laid eyes on her and I haven't stopped thinking about her to this very day. I wont behave or do ANYTHING to scare her away or cause her to feel uncomfortable. We have had lots and lots of open mature enjoyable conversations regarding all kinds of sexual activities and topics.....including cunnilingus which I have repeatedly assured her I will never pressure her or nag her or try to persuade her to try it. In fact we have not yet fully had intercourse yet which is just fine with me. (Complimentary erotic revelation coming up) However we have had numerous very erotic passionate bubble baths to groovy romantic jazz music, candles all over the place where we just rolled around and touched each other changing positions where I could hold her and hug her. We did everything but cunnilingus and intercourse followed by an intensely erotic and deeply passionate shower where she soaped me up and scrubbed me EVERYWHERE and vice versa. We are having a BEAUTIFUL very profoundly surreal experience of a lifetime and we are being very careful. We are in the wonderfully exciting early stages of falling deeply and eternally in love so we can reclaim her inner soul and spirit that has been victimized and held hostage for decades. This is such an amazing love story it could seriously be a great movie plot. Both of us have a riveting dramatic but rewarding life story. We are two people who have yearned for true love that is free and trusting and mutually unselfish. PLEASE....my Swingular friends.....I have read a LOT of your comments on other peoples posts.....especially us single guys who are understandably stereotyped as douchebags and losers. I have read some very snotty, self righteous know it all comments. I can only hope that your own marriages or relationships are as good and as smooth as the vibe you project through your words.....or are some of you just too embarrassed to throw up a post of your own asking for advice on a very private and personal topic. Pardon me for being so defensive but you know what? I'm not afraid to say exactly how I feel and I really don't care about what ANYONE thinks but when I am hammered by comments that are pathetically judgmental with a scornful attitude, I'm going to correct you and hopefully you might pause and rethink how your mindset is before you start pointing fingers assuming the worst because I'm a horny crude filthy single male. Go ahead and hammer at me some more!!! I love to bare my soul and express how you people make me feel. I'm much more pre-occupied with the level of rudeness than I am about......uhm...what was my original question?
Overly intelligent as an insult to a woman based on her posts in this and other threads; that's not gentlemanly (though I hope you mean courteous when you use the word gentlemanly). You've gone off in a split second on messages to me and in other threads' posts at other members, do you think you're the only one to remember how people act in other places on this site? Your being a loose cannon is on my mind every time I address you here. You can protest it all you like, the manner in which you do so (your many time consuming attempts to make us change our minds shows your control issues plainly) simply underscores your mania about this.
Your overall attitude that you can or are entitled to fix this woman is not a loving one; why can't you simply accept her as she is? She's already a whole person and on the way to living her best life as SHE chooses and the more you try to influence her (which you ARE doing, simply living in her home reminds her of what you want whether you say the words or not) the more you tell her she's not good enough yet. If you lived in your own place right now both of you would feel more relaxed about the situation but the cohabitation has brought undue pressure to bear. If her husband knows you're there it's probably spurring him to keep acting like an ass; if you're sharing the marital home w/ her now and he's out that's almost certainly the case.
Drama is what it sounds like to us...time to move on...sorry to sound like a jacka$$ but life is waaaaay to short for to drama...
tell she is totalie away from him by law her soon to be x can put you in jail if he even thinks your touching her but ya thus far it sounds like drama
FUNFOR2AND2 wrote:
Drama is what it sounds like to us...time to move on...sorry to sound like a jacka$$ but life is waaaaay to short for to drama...
It seems he thrives on the drama.
1"Can anyone comment on something positive that I have said?". "I have also come to realize and identify some of my own wrongful past behaviors and attitudes where I should have been much more aware of my former spouses feelings." Good start, positive statement, more work needed though.
2 "I'm not rushing her or pushing her." But moving in with her is not either? Why are you so transient in your behavior?
3"It has been 36 years since I first laid eyes on her and I haven't stopped thinking about her to this very day." Probably why you have ex spouses.
4 "I have spent long hours staying up till 3 am studying everything available online trying to understand what happens to a woman that has suffered a life of verbal, emotional and financial abuse. I'm whole heartedly committed to educating myself as much as possible so I can be the absolutely best and most effective partner for her as she moves forward into her new life of freedom and serenity." See 2.
5 "I am fully on board with taking time and allowing her to enjoy her freedom." See 2-4. She is smothered by you and her ex.
6" I am very sensitive to not controlling her and I do believe that with ongoing positive reinforcement with kindness, respect, trust, gentle affection and awareness of the benefits of therapy together, we will eliminate most and possibly all of the damages that she has suffered." I agree that she needs professional help, the last thing she needs is professional help with you involved.
I do believe that the people that have posted on this thread want the same thing as you do.
We would hope that at some time in her life she can be healed of the terrible tragedies that have affected this woman's life. I think we all agree too, that she has to take this incredibly hard journey on her own.