I see this frequently in profiles, almost exclusively those of men or couples - the assurance that there won't be pressure to do things nor will personal boundaries be disrespected.
Since pressuring someone to have sex or violating their boundaries borders at the minimum on assault, isn't it a given that one won't assault another person or attempt to do so? Those who've been around the lifestyle for awhile, what does it look like when those things happen?
Am I being naive or can I actually expect to have a person attempt to do something to me when I'm not looking in a group session?
Since pressuring someone to have sex or violating their boundaries borders at the minimum on assault, isn't it a given that one won't assault another person or attempt to do so? Those who've been around the lifestyle for awhile, what does it look like when those things happen?
Am I being naive or can I actually expect to have a person attempt to do something to me when I'm not looking in a group session?
CHEFFETTE wrote:
I see this frequently in profiles, almost exclusively those of men or couples - the assurance that there won't be pressure to do things nor will personal boundaries be disrespected.
Since pressuring someone to have sex or violating their boundaries borders at the minimum on assault, isn't it a given that one won't assault another person or attempt to do so? Those who've been around the lifestyle for awhile, what does it look like when those things happen?
Am I being naive or can I actually expect to have a person attempt to do something to me when I'm not looking in a group session?
We think that some people, sometimes, are referring to all sorts of boundaries and not just sexual boundaries. Some people just want to play with no strings attached and really don't want to do things like exchange phone numbers. Some people have expectations as to how much time they either do, or do not want to spend with the people they play with. But yes, for the most part, we think people are saying that they will respect your sexual boundaries. For example some people exclude kissing from playtime with sexual partners they meet in the lifestyle. Yes we have met people that will try and do things, that we have expressed are off limits, sexually and we have met people that had expectations socially, that we had expressed were not available with the two of us as well. With the sexual acts, it is easier to be clear, and to know if and when someone is clearly violating with intent. Misunderstandings about social, and yes emotional boundaries are perhaps a bit more difficult to eliminate altogether and those boundaries may tend to fall into gray areas anyway. Whereas human interaction, friendship and emotional intimacy is pretty fluid, those sorts of boundaries and permissions often adjust, one way or the other, depending on the chemistry and the trust or the lack there of, between the people involved. As for touching, should anyone ever, try and proceed after hearing no, then you know that they have no respect for your boundaries, your happiness or well being.
This lifestyle is risky on many levels. People in the lifestyle are often here to test their own limits. We shouldn't be here to test the sexual limits of the people we meet without their full and expressed consent.
"...isn't it a given that one won't assault another person or attempt to do so?"
One would hope. Unfortunately the lifestyle has become so adulterated (pun intended) by just about anyone who thinks it's a free, easy way to get NSA sex that you now have a virtual cornucopia of people who don't really "get it". What I guess I'm trying to say is that it seems like it's no longer wife swapping or swinging. It's now "the lifestyle" and apparently includes every manner of sexual libertine imaginable including those who view swingers (and yes I mean mostly females) as wanton sluts who are borderline nymphomaniacs that lack the capacity or will to say (or mean) "No.".
It would be very interesting to poll women who have been in the lifestyle for a considerable amount of time, say ten, fifteen or twenty years, and ask them if they're ever had to more or less fight a guy off or worse, or if they've ever entertained unwanted advances so as to not rock the boat or harsh the vibe at a swing party. Sadly I'd be willing to bet the number would be fairly high.
One would hope. Unfortunately the lifestyle has become so adulterated (pun intended) by just about anyone who thinks it's a free, easy way to get NSA sex that you now have a virtual cornucopia of people who don't really "get it". What I guess I'm trying to say is that it seems like it's no longer wife swapping or swinging. It's now "the lifestyle" and apparently includes every manner of sexual libertine imaginable including those who view swingers (and yes I mean mostly females) as wanton sluts who are borderline nymphomaniacs that lack the capacity or will to say (or mean) "No.".
It would be very interesting to poll women who have been in the lifestyle for a considerable amount of time, say ten, fifteen or twenty years, and ask them if they're ever had to more or less fight a guy off or worse, or if they've ever entertained unwanted advances so as to not rock the boat or harsh the vibe at a swing party. Sadly I'd be willing to bet the number would be fairly high.
EVILDOERS wrote:
"...isn't it a given that one won't assault another person or attempt to do so?"
One would hope. Unfortunately the lifestyle has become so adulterated (pun intended) by just about anyone who thinks it's a free, easy way to get NSA sex that you now have a virtual cornucopia of people who don't really "get it". What I guess I'm trying to say is that it seems like it's no longer wife swapping or swinging. It's now "the lifestyle" and apparently includes every manner of sexual libertine imaginable including those who view swingers (and yes I mean mostly females) as wanton sluts who are borderline nymphomaniacs that lack the capacity or will to say (or mean) "No.".
It would be very interesting to poll women who have been in the lifestyle for a considerable amount of time, say ten, fifteen or twenty years, and ask them if they're ever had to more or less fight a guy off or worse, or if they've ever entertained unwanted advances so as to not rock the boat or harsh the vibe at a swing party. Sadly I'd be willing to bet the number would be fairly high.
We don't mind the alternative people, or the poly people, or people with a different sort of fetish. We actually enjoy all that sort of diversity. We like the nymphomaniacs (Really, we do, ladies, really, really) and the dudes with over the top sex drive. Takes one to know one. We can deal with all sorts of people different than we are, and people looking for different things, or people looking for the same things sexually, so long as they understand that the same sorts of bad behaviors that cause people to fail at sex, and at relationships, in the vanilla world don't work with most swingers and certainly not with us. Yes the online world, seems to allow a lot of losers to lurk around the community.
We just had a dude KiK chat us and the second thing had to say was he wanted to "choke Mrs. Delicious on his dick." What would that guy be like in the flesh?
Maybe he said he wanted her to do coke off his dick (in which case he would come across as generous and sharing with his stash)...AutoCorrect sometimes sucks. 
EVILDOERS wrote:
Maybe he said he wanted her to do coke off his dick (in which case he would come across as generous and sharing with his stash)...AutoCorrect sometimes sucks.
Well maybe so. But that is still so 1970s.
I hire a back doorman....Just to be safe. I have one and he is well trained. We also use code words...when things get too much!
I put it in my profile specifically because no one seems to understand what bisexual means.
It means someone is attracted to the same sex and other sex, it doesnt mean you want to automatically fuck some woman's husband. I still have what I like to see in men just like i have a type in women.
It means someone is attracted to the same sex and other sex, it doesnt mean you want to automatically fuck some woman's husband. I still have what I like to see in men just like i have a type in women.
Sometimes you just have to trust your instincts about people. If another couple is pushy or we just don't make a connection then we are not really interested, just our preference. While we are not specific in our profile we do say we like to make some sort of connection. We like to have a discussion about boundaries but the more we get to know you the farther we will take those boundaries if we trust you. For us it pretty simple.
SKICOUPLE wrote:
Sometimes you just have to trust your instincts about people. If another couple is pushy or we just don't make a connection then we are not really interested, just our preference. While we are not specific in our profile we do say we like to make some sort of connection. We like to have a discussion about boundaries but the more we get to know you the farther we will take those boundaries if we trust you. For us it pretty simple.
Well said!!
You can trap yourself in the specifics and you can miss out too. Human interaction and attraction is really fluid and dynamic. We as a couple are not monarchs or rule givers and we really don't want to be ruled. Human interaction is dynamic and fluid. We have preferences and we have likes and dislikes. We have tendencies and with our profile we try to sort of define how we tend to react and what we tend to like and dislike. We are not creatures governed by very many absolutes. We reserve the right to expand or contract boundaries in order to more fully enjoy the evolution of a relationship or to allow a relationship to run a course towards disinterest. One absolute for many of us is that people behave respectfully.
Personally we prefer to assume everyone is guilty, until proven innocent. Let's face it, people (okay mostly guys) are douchecopters who would fuck a knothole in a tree even if the tree said "No.". The old adage "All's fair in love and war." applies doubly to swinging. We prefer the slash and burn/shock and awe method of vetting potential lovers. Remember, there's no "i" in surprise butt sex.
EVILDOERS wrote:
Personally we prefer to assume everyone is guilty, until proven innocent. Let's face it, people (okay mostly guys) are douchecopters who would fuck a knothole in a tree even if the tree said "No.". The old adage "All's fair in love and war." applies doubly to swinging. We prefer the slash and burn/shock and awe method of vetting potential lovers. Remember, there's no "i" in surprise butt sex.
Yeah that's not misanthropic at all....
Evil you are just full of surprises aren't you. Good to see not everyone takes things so seriously.
EVILDOERS wrote:
Personally we prefer to assume everyone is guilty, until proven innocent. Let's face it, people (okay mostly guys) are douchecopters who would fuck a knothole in a tree even if the tree said "No.". The old adage "All's fair in love and war." applies doubly to swinging. We prefer the slash and burn/shock and awe method of vetting potential lovers. Remember, there's no "i" in surprise butt sex.
Sorry, isn't there an "i" in surprIse?
WILYBOBCAT wrote:
So we are really new to all of this, and as such we are naive and nervous etc. We recently attended a meet and greet and while I was getting my wife another drink some guy came up to her and just shoved his tongue down her throat. Not what we were expecting from things we'd read on the site at all, but we don't really have any experience with this, so how do we know any different? We talked to another couple about it and they said that really shouldn't happen, but I guess there's always going to be pushy inappropriate assholes in any group. It almost turned us off to this whole thing, but there are still a few couples we've been in contact with who seem really cool and chill, and exactly the kind of "no pressure" "boundaries respected" people that we're looking for.
That's awful, I'm sorry your wife was assaulted like that. No, it shouldn't happen to either of you anywhere, much less at an event around a lifestyle that requires so much trust to have hopes of success. I was slow dancing w/ a guy at an event and the male half of a married couple dancing behind us started rubbing my ass out of nowhere; I asked him if he could 'fucking not' do that and while he stopped, his look of 'How dare you?' at me was priceless. There will always be the fuckheads who push it no matter the social setting and sadly it is more likely to be one gender than the other. #notallmenarefuckheads
Wilybobcat you learn that some people feel empowered to do what they want at LS events. Saw that a lot at Naughty N Nawlins last weekend. You do have to be willing to speak up and you have to be willing to ASK PERMISSION. Thats what we do most of the time. For some reason guys don't mind her kissing them, I always ask if its a stranger. Don't be bothered or get bent, its just not worth it. Move on because there are nice people out there.
We r usually too shy to cross anyone's boundaries.. Unless u get her drunk then she strips to get party going..but we kinda make sure we only go into situations where everyone is attracted and pre know what boundaries they have.. Love small parties