We imagine the irony of this message won't escape too many people, but we are hoping to get a little bit of insight into some of the inner workings of the people that are in the lifestyle because we have to admit that we are a little bit confused and discouraged by one particular trend we have noticed on this site and the other one that we are one.
As the title of this message suggests, we are confused by the lack of communication we have seen since we have ventured into the lifestyle. In particular, one thing we have noticed is that when we send out messages to people that we are interested in meeting and getting to know, we very rarely get a response of any kind. It may not be something that is commonly known here, but there is a way to know when a message you have sent has been read, so we know the lack of responses aren't because the messages aren't being read. We know that most of us are busy and we are too, but is it really that hard to respond to a message that you received? We also understand that it is sometimes hard to tell someone that you aren't interested in them, which we get, but I think all of us would rather know that someone isn't interested in us as opposed to not knowing and hearing nothing at all back from the people we contact. We make it a point and we pride ourselves on responding to every message that we receive, even if it is just a quick message to let the sender know that we are buys, but will get back to them when we can. Are we wrong in this?
Dennis and Nancy
As the title of this message suggests, we are confused by the lack of communication we have seen since we have ventured into the lifestyle. In particular, one thing we have noticed is that when we send out messages to people that we are interested in meeting and getting to know, we very rarely get a response of any kind. It may not be something that is commonly known here, but there is a way to know when a message you have sent has been read, so we know the lack of responses aren't because the messages aren't being read. We know that most of us are busy and we are too, but is it really that hard to respond to a message that you received? We also understand that it is sometimes hard to tell someone that you aren't interested in them, which we get, but I think all of us would rather know that someone isn't interested in us as opposed to not knowing and hearing nothing at all back from the people we contact. We make it a point and we pride ourselves on responding to every message that we receive, even if it is just a quick message to let the sender know that we are buys, but will get back to them when we can. Are we wrong in this?
Dennis and Nancy
one of the reasons that people don't respond is that some people on here get their feeling hurt when they are told that someone is not interested in them and then they go off and start attacking that person for not liking them.
So its just easier to not respond at all. Then there are the single guys that when couples tell them not interested they go crazy and do all kinds of terrible things.
So again just easier to not respond.
I personally would rather here sorry not interested then not know.
My .02 cents worth.
So its just easier to not respond at all. Then there are the single guys that when couples tell them not interested they go crazy and do all kinds of terrible things.
So again just easier to not respond.
I personally would rather here sorry not interested then not know.
My .02 cents worth.
my very 'average-in-every-way' nephew and his mother are upset the cheerleaders and 10's at his high school don't answer his invitations to the prom.
you have encountered one of the great challenges of the lifestyle. nearly everyone is looking uphill for companions and there are a million possible reasons to look down on someone. the people you are interested are probably not the same group interested in you. throw in age differences, locations issues and the events in their life you are not aware of and it's frankly a miracle any hook-ups ever happen. thank god for alcohol!
look at some of seinfeld's break up excuses
For having
you have encountered one of the great challenges of the lifestyle. nearly everyone is looking uphill for companions and there are a million possible reasons to look down on someone. the people you are interested are probably not the same group interested in you. throw in age differences, locations issues and the events in their life you are not aware of and it's frankly a miracle any hook-ups ever happen. thank god for alcohol!
look at some of seinfeld's break up excuses
For having
Perma-Bachelor wrote:
one of the reasons that people don't respond is that some people on here get their feeling hurt when they are told that someone is not interested in them and then they go off and start attacking that person for not liking them.
So its just easier to not respond at all. Then there are the single guys that when couples tell them not interested they go crazy and do all kinds of terrible things.
So again just easier to not respond.
I personally would rather here sorry not interested then not know.
My .02 cents worth.
Truth. Not everyone's gracious enough to take no for an answer politely; we ladies learn early that a kindly rejection is taken by a vocal fraction of people as a negotiating tactic rather than a refusal. Those people try to negotiate our No into their Yes and the only way to stop them is to stop communicating. So if we're not interested in them it's less tense to either ignore them entirely or if their first message was very rude in some way (I keep a folder of them on here that would make you weep for humanity) tell them No in such a mean fashion they don't respond.
You know you're good people who wouldn't flip your nut and call a person refusing your advances immature, stupid, unenlightened, delusional, attention whore, frigid, gold-digging, crazy, high and mighty or a slut, but those are things I've been called for a simple 'No thank you, I don't feel we'd be a good fit.'
I, for one, am totally fine with not hearing back. It likely means one of two things. They aren't interested or they're flakes (or they've been kidnapped by mutant human/wildebeest hybrids intent on world domination and/or replacement organ harvesting). Either way I've likely already moved on with my life and given it about as much more thought than I give my younger sister's latest Facebook post revealing her incisive and astute grasp of the American political process as seen from her front porch in Bumfuddle, Louisiana.
CHEFFETTE, please, please, PLEASE publish your folder. I promise to read it cover to cover and give it a very special place on my bookshelf right next to Mitt Romney's New York Times best seller, "Binders Full of Women" collective works.
CHEFFETTE, please, please, PLEASE publish your folder. I promise to read it cover to cover and give it a very special place on my bookshelf right next to Mitt Romney's New York Times best seller, "Binders Full of Women" collective works.
If you are easily offended by these little things, perhaps this is not the best lifestyle.
Everyone here has really good points. Cheffette and KandD for sure!
Everyone here has really good points. Cheffette and KandD for sure!
I personally think one mistake people make its too assume that because someone isn't interested, it's because they think your "not hot". Sometimes there's just no chemistry. Sometimes the mood isn't right. And if someone chats me up, and I say "sorry, not interested" that could be a blow to their self esteem. Not making excuses, and we ALWAYS give some kind of response. But don't automatically assume that, just because you get no response, that the problem is that your not "hot enough". Sorry, I tad off topic, but I think it's good for people to see the distinction between "no chemistry", and "not hot". BTW kennedy0408, your super hot! ;-)
EVILDOERS wrote:
CHEFFETTE, please, please, PLEASE publish your folder. I promise to read it cover to cover and give it a very special place on my bookshelf right next to Mitt Romney's New York Times best seller, "Binders Full of Women" collective works.
I've left instructions for the contents of a folder marked FUCK THIS MOFO to be published bound in rich Corinthian leather after my death.
some of it is just the fact that emails and messaging sucks. It is damn near impossible at times to write something that isn't misinterpreted or somebody starts to read between the lines. I know that has hindered our communication at times. We have also found that the words "no expectations" isn't taken literally and is even less often written for others as truth. We have also found at times that when there isn't interest on our part, sexually anyhow, but we found the other couple fun to be with and would like to see them again as friends as soon as the words "just friends" come up we have suddenly offended them.
We have found a lot of it to be a slippery slope. I hate more than anything to offend people or make them feel bad.
The whole bi-curious, bi-comfortable, bi-sexual.........all mean different things to different people. We have found this to be the case almost without fail.
One other thing......We never would have ever thought it was so difficult for people to own up to there real age in there profile. It blows us away. There are A LOT of people on this sight that we have met that shaved a good 8-10 years off of their lives. Super misleading.......almost as bad as the "straight ones" that are anything but or those with "no expectations" with a bunch of expectations.
Lots of great people on here, don't get me wrong, there are tons, but wading through the misrepresentations is a chore. Damn glad the honest ones we have met and clicked with whether it leads to play or not have made it worth all the while.
We have found a lot of it to be a slippery slope. I hate more than anything to offend people or make them feel bad.
The whole bi-curious, bi-comfortable, bi-sexual.........all mean different things to different people. We have found this to be the case almost without fail.
One other thing......We never would have ever thought it was so difficult for people to own up to there real age in there profile. It blows us away. There are A LOT of people on this sight that we have met that shaved a good 8-10 years off of their lives. Super misleading.......almost as bad as the "straight ones" that are anything but or those with "no expectations" with a bunch of expectations.
Lots of great people on here, don't get me wrong, there are tons, but wading through the misrepresentations is a chore. Damn glad the honest ones we have met and clicked with whether it leads to play or not have made it worth all the while.
Eh I can take a no (and give one). I don't know what the big fucking deal is. I too get frustrated when I don't get a message back. Most of mine aren't even "lets hook up" messages. But as Evildoers points out they are aren't worth my time if they can't even give me the courtesy of a response.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." -Eleanor Roosevelt.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." -Eleanor Roosevelt.
It is true though, that in this lifestyle, that you have to develop a bit of a thick skin. Don't take anything personal. And remember this is all about fun and experiences. Just like in a relationship, allowing negativity in is the start of trouble.
I think this has less to do with the lifestyle and more to do with online etiquette. In our experience at lifestyle events and clubs people always respond. They say something along the lines of either
POUNDCAKE wrote:
We have also found at times that when there isn't interest on our part, sexually anyhow, but we found the other couple fun to be with and would like to see them again as friends as soon as the words "just friends" come up we have suddenly offended them.
This is particularly interesting to us because we didn't experience it in Montr
we have gone back & forth on this issue, primarily because of the "wisdom" others have suggested (proof positive that you can't believe everything you hear or read) . . . however, montreal hit the issue on the head (which we think is a sad state of affairs - no puns intended) . . . that is, those met in person try to respond politely (which is exactly the way one human being should treat another) while those online seem to think it is ok to hide behind the keyboard!!! (kinda like the way that so many inconsiderate drivers seem to think it is ok to be an asshole behind the wheel) . . . ANYWAY, you have advertized for sex and others have found you interesting enough to respond to your ad, so they deserve a polite up or down . . . you would never ignore interest when you are trying to dump the chevy; so do the right thing, answer politely!!! . . . if "no thanks" is taken badly, you have the option to block the offender . . . if you find yourself generating interest that you think is beneath you, just make sure to include specific requirements in your profile so others know, without a doubt, that you are way too good for them . . .
This type of "social activity" can be an emotional roller coasters for many, and having the ability to "shift gears" quickly, so to speak; is a good skill to learn. We once had a great on going "couple w/benefits" relationship for about 3 years. One time we had to have a serious personal (non health or life threatening) conversation with them and before the conversation got past a sentence they freaked, stormed out, and slammed the door on the way out! We were so hurt by that, that the poor behavior escalated on both sides and we wish now that we would have "shifted gears" down more quickly and taken the high road of calmness... a decent relationship was all blown up over a relatively small (most likely fix-able) thing and we haven't talked since which is pretty sad.
In any case, the point is its probably a good idea to get good at being able to "shift gears" fairly quickly and let things go when needed... We always say, "if our lives aren't in jeopardy then its probably not worth worrying too much about". The nice thing about this lifestyle is there's usually always somebody for somebody, it can be difficult and dis-heartening at times but eventually you will find some good connections. Just gotta keep trying, and try not to be discouraged...
In any case, the point is its probably a good idea to get good at being able to "shift gears" fairly quickly and let things go when needed... We always say, "if our lives aren't in jeopardy then its probably not worth worrying too much about". The nice thing about this lifestyle is there's usually always somebody for somebody, it can be difficult and dis-heartening at times but eventually you will find some good connections. Just gotta keep trying, and try not to be discouraged...
I know most people on swingular will read these points we all have made on this topic. So let's, as a community, strive to do better. It's easy to respond with "maybe another time", or "the chemistry isn't right". Or make it clear that "we don't have to orgy every time we see you". And when we here those things, we won't take them personally.
I've been thinking about this thread (and other's like it...they seem to come along every few months or so, along with the ones about whether or not condoms are a good idea or whether we're just caving to the big latex conglomerates) and I have a few additional thoughts.
First, many (most?) emails we receive seem to have about as much thought put into them as one might put into which side of their hamburger to start eating on. If they aren't spammed out to multiple people the senders, at very least, don't seem to have the verbal capacity to write anything beyond, "We seen yer add and wanna put our naughty bits in yer naughty bits." [SIC] Is it that hard to include a little tidbit or two about WHY you think we might be a good match for you and why we would want to take time out of our busy lives to meet with you? And the few that DO contain more than a generic greeting or poorly thought out pick up line have obviously not read our profile (don't necessarily blame them...takes a minimum of a couple of hours to slog through) and don't know what we are and are not looking for. For Christ's sake, give us at least ONE compelling reason why you think we'd like to meet you such as, "We love fisting out stuffed ferrets too and also worship Satan as our lord and master. Let's have coffee."
Second, when did we all become such Tender Heart Care Bears? And why do we necessarily feel entitled to a response to a more often than not spammed out email from people wanting to perv our locked pics? I've only written back to that nice Nigerian prince like ten or fifteen times before I finally got tired of him asking for my checking account number. Do you call back every carpet cleaning company that leaves a message on your voice mail? Do you send a nice polite note back the the guy who's running for president for the Violent Tyrannical Dictator Party and wants you to donate to his campaign fund? I mean, he was even nice enough to send you a self addressed stamped envelope.
So maybe put a little thought into your solicitations. Give people a compelling reason to write you back beyond, "OMG, you're swingers? We're swingers too. We should totally fuck!". This goes double for single guys. Read the profile...even if you have to do it over two or three nights and use a dictionary to look up the big words. Take note of what people are and aren't looking for and especially if they mention your particular demographic. And last but not least, Don't worry about it if someone doesn't write you back. For all you know they've just survived a horrific bumper car accident at Lagoon or maybe they're 2 days in to binge watching all nine seasons of Matlock and haven't eaten or slept for two days. If you're consistently not getting any responses to your emails maybe you're fishin' in the wrong pond. Take a good long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself honestly if Angelina Jolie REALLY would like to fuck you or if you're more likely to hit it off with Steve Buscemi or Nick Nolte.
First, many (most?) emails we receive seem to have about as much thought put into them as one might put into which side of their hamburger to start eating on. If they aren't spammed out to multiple people the senders, at very least, don't seem to have the verbal capacity to write anything beyond, "We seen yer add and wanna put our naughty bits in yer naughty bits." [SIC] Is it that hard to include a little tidbit or two about WHY you think we might be a good match for you and why we would want to take time out of our busy lives to meet with you? And the few that DO contain more than a generic greeting or poorly thought out pick up line have obviously not read our profile (don't necessarily blame them...takes a minimum of a couple of hours to slog through) and don't know what we are and are not looking for. For Christ's sake, give us at least ONE compelling reason why you think we'd like to meet you such as, "We love fisting out stuffed ferrets too and also worship Satan as our lord and master. Let's have coffee."
Second, when did we all become such Tender Heart Care Bears? And why do we necessarily feel entitled to a response to a more often than not spammed out email from people wanting to perv our locked pics? I've only written back to that nice Nigerian prince like ten or fifteen times before I finally got tired of him asking for my checking account number. Do you call back every carpet cleaning company that leaves a message on your voice mail? Do you send a nice polite note back the the guy who's running for president for the Violent Tyrannical Dictator Party and wants you to donate to his campaign fund? I mean, he was even nice enough to send you a self addressed stamped envelope.
So maybe put a little thought into your solicitations. Give people a compelling reason to write you back beyond, "OMG, you're swingers? We're swingers too. We should totally fuck!". This goes double for single guys. Read the profile...even if you have to do it over two or three nights and use a dictionary to look up the big words. Take note of what people are and aren't looking for and especially if they mention your particular demographic. And last but not least, Don't worry about it if someone doesn't write you back. For all you know they've just survived a horrific bumper car accident at Lagoon or maybe they're 2 days in to binge watching all nine seasons of Matlock and haven't eaten or slept for two days. If you're consistently not getting any responses to your emails maybe you're fishin' in the wrong pond. Take a good long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself honestly if Angelina Jolie REALLY would like to fuck you or if you're more likely to hit it off with Steve Buscemi or Nick Nolte.
I'd like to think that in person anyone approaching me would take note of my body language as they talked to me and see interest or discomfort in that before making an overture. On here, I've written a profile that's the closest I can get to body language it's ignored on a daily basis. Those who ignore its content get a response that someone ignoring my body language in person would get - and that's the effort they deserve.
But my perspective is as a single female; no one clearly has my back as happens in a couple on this site. I appear to already be somewhat more vulnerable than a couple does and some think they can use that to their advantage in replying to my refusal.
Online etiquette is different from bars or events and especially driving etiquette b/c the consequences of not getting along aren't the same - no one can swerve into me or reach under my clothes to grab my vulva online, thankfully.
But my perspective is as a single female; no one clearly has my back as happens in a couple on this site. I appear to already be somewhat more vulnerable than a couple does and some think they can use that to their advantage in replying to my refusal.
Online etiquette is different from bars or events and especially driving etiquette b/c the consequences of not getting along aren't the same - no one can swerve into me or reach under my clothes to grab my vulva online, thankfully.
CHEFFETTE wrote:
I'd like to think that in person anyone approaching me would take note of my body language as they talked to me and see interest or discomfort in that before making an overture. On here, I've written a profile that's the closest I can get to body language it's ignored on a daily basis. Those who ignore its content get a response that someone ignoring my body language in person would get - and that's the effort they deserve.
But my perspective is as a single female; no one clearly has my back as happens in a couple on this site. I appear to already be somewhat more vulnerable than a couple does and some think they can use that to their advantage in replying to my refusal.
Online etiquette is different from bars or events and especially driving etiquette b/c the consequences of not getting along aren't the same - no one can swerve into me or reach under my clothes to grab my vulva online, thankfully.
<-- tries to grab her vulva online... and fails :-(
Sometimes one can get some insight as to the "quality" of the contact by their response or lack of. I say "sometimes" because we're all busy and human and forgetful. However, there might be those who don't communicate or send a "hello" with their friend invite because they really don't care about you. They want pics or just a one nighter. There are no blanket statements here...the lifestyle...like any group...is comprised of a diverse crowd. Accept it, stay confident, and move on.
So...don't expect everyone to communicate well. Stick with those that meet your standards and have fun!
So...don't expect everyone to communicate well. Stick with those that meet your standards and have fun!
We are interested in you two - CONTACT US - LOL xoxox
A&P
A&P
Here's a good example of one of those things that make you go, "Hmmmmm." Got a friend request this morning from a couple in Florida. Absolutely zero pics in their profile (public or private), maybe two lines of text in their profile, oh...and did I mention they live in fucking Florida?!!?
Yeah I'm gonna get right on that friend request just as soon as I look up air fares to Florida...and finish sanding down the callouses on my feet with my new belt sander.
Oh, and they're a decade or more older than we are. Hubba hubba!
Yeah I'm gonna get right on that friend request just as soon as I look up air fares to Florida...and finish sanding down the callouses on my feet with my new belt sander.
Oh, and they're a decade or more older than we are. Hubba hubba!
Also, is it any less rude/annoying/life altering if you okay a friend request from someone, maybe correspond with them for a while, and then when you suggest maybe grabbing a drink or a cup of coffee they suddenly go MIA and all you hear are really loud, noisy crickets when you send them follow up emails? I'm not sure how much we should feel entitled to when contacting virtual strangers on a site dedicated to trying to solicit sex from other people. It's like when people walk into my antique cuckoo clock repair and taxidermy shop and express interest in buying a rare vintage 1928 Austrian cuckoo clock with a meticulously stuffed wolverine poised on the top of it and then never return to purchase it.
Gotcha covered KENNEDY. Two FIRST CLASS tickets on the Greyhound Ft. Lauderdale Express.
Gotcha covered KENNEDY. Two FIRST CLASS tickets on the Greyhound Ft. Lauderdale Express.
DELICIOUSLYWET wrote:
You all do realize that the people with unverified profiles, no pictures, three words of data in their descriptions take over the top four floors of a major local hotel every weekend where they run through the hallways naked and have sex everywhere. In fact you can barely walk around without stumbling over someone having an orgasm. We accidentally came across one of their parties and they almost threw us off the roof top of the Grand America. It was terrifying running away as they followed us with torches eager to make sure we paid the price for having so much data in our profile. We barely escaped with our lives let alone our protected password.
It's true...we've seen it!
DELICIOUSLYWET wrote:
Yup. Luckily the top floor of the Ft. Lauderdale Super 8 Motel is only about 10 or 12 feet off the ground but you could get some pretty nasty bruises getting thrown off.
Boring...
Honestly, no response needs to be interpreted as no. Sometimes it's personal, sometimes it's not. I know people tell themselves that a rejection with a message and reason is easier, but it's not. Rejection sucks. It is part of the LS. A thick skin is part of the LS. Over analysing every little situation and non response will never get you anywhere. If you don't get an answer, you didn't want them in your life anyway, why dwell on it? Move on.
DELICIOUSLYWET wrote:
The social evolution toward outwardly adopting monogamy as the norm in so many cultures so many, many, many years ago, perhaps, in fact has something to do with the all the complications and pressures associated with sexual activity and social standing and acceptance. Swinging highlights sexual activity, and sexual activity and sexual acceptance, in fact become part of the social hierarchy within the community. Sexual identity and sexual acceptance is probably far more intimate and important to most of us than many other aspects of our self identity. Rejection at that level may be more painful, so taking sex out of the more outward social interactions would eliminate some potential elements for social stress and instability. We all need to be mature and have the ability to accept rejection graciously and just as importantly to graciously say no within the community and remain happy and healthy. If anyone finds that is not possible from within, then there is no shame in monogamy.
Many of us here choose to be because we recognize incompatibility with the social norm of monogamy. In our case we are discovering a whole new sexual identity as we explore sharing ourselves with other couples and as DELICIOUSLYWET stated, this is very intimate territory. We are highly sexual and love sharing the wonderful energy that comes with exploring new relationships and experiences, however, that does not mean that we are all outgoing, extroverted or even assertive. Some of us are shy, and find social interaction, public or on-line, to have inherent risk. We mean no harm in not responding. For whatever reason, with no malice intended, we just didn't respond to a message. Hey, you may even try sending a follow-up message. Sometimes we need a reminder, especially when we might be away from the site for several days. It never hurts to practice communicating more consistently and openly in all social media sites, and we want to learn to more graciously interact with others here on Swingular.
We feel the same as most but when we get friend requests from single males with no email attached we just block them. Sick of them not reading our profile and spamming for pictures.
KENNEDY, I am SO voting for you if you ever run for Erda city comptroller...or even the county sewer board.
We would like to thank ALL of you for your input on this issue and also apologize if this topic has been overdone and repeated too often, but this is something that we felt like we needed to talk about here because we are still relatively new in the lifestyle and we knew that there was a LOT of experience and wisdom here that would help us better understand how to handle this issue. Thank you, ALL.
I respond to every piece I receive. Mostly to advise whomever to read my profile, that I do not reply to blind requests. I imagine most women and couples receive countless requests like I do and I am sure you state the same thing in your profile as I do. The second most received are people not from my area that they are visiting Florida for work or pleasure and we should hook up. Again I ask them to reread my profile. 95% are from single men or only the husband traveling. I have no problem exchanging with persons that have read my profile and send a note first. Again as stated in my profile, I do not exchange with people that do not have face pictures in their pictures. I do not post face pictures in my profile because of problems I have had in the past. I do have them in my private folder and expect the same. I can not imagine why anyone would want to meet with anyone who can not provide a picture of their face. I have run into more government agents, politicians that have to be discreet and can not provide this. My loss. Because of my distance to most of this community or definitely to the people most active on this site my response is also in my profile if it was read by the person(s)sending the mail.
I have been lucky to correspond with men and couples on this site, all know of my location and my seldom ability to visit Utah. I do visit Vegas frequently which they are aware and have met several couples there. I do also correspond with couples from my area and have met.
If you actually get through the simple rules of most and all can comply and agree to those, good things usually happen. Why would you meet with anyone that couldn't.
With my responses like the other single women and couples I have been called every name in the book. Amusing to me, usually the government spies and actually one said he was the mayor of his town and could not disclose his picture.
I realize this is a game to some. Unfortunately they are not the ones that are lucky enough to meet someone great because of an initial hello piece of mail from them or me. I do send mail to couples and women that I see post on the forum and let them know I agree with them or ask them a question, if I see lingerie or something that I like and ask where they got it from. This is suppose to be enjoyable, the only reason I do this, if every day was a drag, what would be the point?
Lastly, as many have stated, meeting in person is the quickest way to find out if there is a vibe, unfortunately we do a bit of a dance to get to that place.
I have been lucky to correspond with men and couples on this site, all know of my location and my seldom ability to visit Utah. I do visit Vegas frequently which they are aware and have met several couples there. I do also correspond with couples from my area and have met.
If you actually get through the simple rules of most and all can comply and agree to those, good things usually happen. Why would you meet with anyone that couldn't.
With my responses like the other single women and couples I have been called every name in the book. Amusing to me, usually the government spies and actually one said he was the mayor of his town and could not disclose his picture.
I realize this is a game to some. Unfortunately they are not the ones that are lucky enough to meet someone great because of an initial hello piece of mail from them or me. I do send mail to couples and women that I see post on the forum and let them know I agree with them or ask them a question, if I see lingerie or something that I like and ask where they got it from. This is suppose to be enjoyable, the only reason I do this, if every day was a drag, what would be the point?
Lastly, as many have stated, meeting in person is the quickest way to find out if there is a vibe, unfortunately we do a bit of a dance to get to that place.
WEDOTOO wrote:
we have gone back & forth on this issue, primarily because of the "wisdom" others have suggested (proof positive that you can't believe everything you hear or read) . . . however, montreal hit the issue on the head (which we think is a sad state of affairs - no puns intended) . . . that is, those met in person try to respond politely (which is exactly the way one human being should treat another) while those online seem to think it is ok to hide behind the keyboard!!! (kinda like the way that so many inconsiderate drivers seem to think it is ok to be an asshole behind the wheel) . . . ANYWAY, you have advertized for sex and others have found you interesting enough to respond to your ad, so they deserve a polite up or down . . . you would never ignore interest when you are trying to dump the chevy; so do the right thing, answer politely!!! . . . if "no thanks" is taken badly, you have the option to block the offender . . . if you find yourself generating interest that you think is beneath you, just make sure to include specific requirements in your profile so others know, without a doubt, that you are way too good for them . . .
^That.
Personally, I just don't send "I'm interested in you" messages to anyone. I'm well aware that unless someone actually meets me, I've got too much going against me, the primary one being age. And saying I don't look my age, or act, think, move, or behave even close to my chronological age would A: probably cause a "how many times have I heard that" reaction, and B: just sound too damned needy. The only time I ever email anyone I don't know is if I have a reason, like wanting to ask something about something they posted, or to give them an answer to something they posted a question about. So I've never had the no answer problem, except once. We got a FR from a single female who is straight, so she was obviously not interested in just Dana, and was not the "type" of girl I'd expect to be interested in me. The ONLY way any (conventionally) good looking girl in her mid to late 20s or her 30s has ever been interested in me was after meeting me in person. Never as a result of seeing our profile, where my age is one of the first things anyone sees. So, being a curious kind of guy who just hates not understanding things, I accepted the FR and sent her a message asking, in a nice way, what had caused her to send it. I never got any response. So I figured she's just a friend collector, like lots of people on things like Facebook apparently are.
But I do know the no response thing exists. So if someone sends us an email, they'll get a response. I just can't see completely ignoring anyone who took the time to type and send a message, no matter what it's about. If nothing else, you can always say something like you just don't think you'd be compatible or whatever. The only sort of exception to that is blind friend requests. And sometimes even those get something back. I decide on single female and couple FRs, Dana decides on single males. But a while back I introduced Dana to a slightly different lifestyle and it turned out she liked that better, so she doesn't get on Swingular as much anymore. So when a single guy sends a FR and it just sits there a while, I usually send him a message explaining that she hasn't checked lately, but sooner or later will, and will decide when she does.
Blind single female and couple FRs don't ever get messages only because I always approve them. In the first place, friending someone isn't the same as saying "sure, let's meet and hook up." In the second, I just do not care how "pretty" anyone is, or how much they weigh, or any of that nonsense. I care whether or not they're nice people. And I always assume that everyone is nice, unless and until I discover differently, and based on just a FR, I have no reason to think it's a person I wouldn't ever want to have anything to do with.
There's only ever been one person who sent us anything, even a blind FR, who never got anything at all back. (except, I guess, any single guys Dana decided not to approve and whose FRs hadn't been sitting there long enough for me to feel I needed to send a note telling him he wasn't being ignored but just hadn't been seen by Dana yet). Although Dana does the approvals/disapprovals on single male FRs, I do look at them. I'm kind of protective of her, and although I've never felt the need to use it, I do have a veto over anyone she might meet. So I always look at their profiles. This guy who sent a blind FR was someplace in Texas, had NO pics and almost nothing else at all in his profile, which, to me, just screamed "Pic Collecter". Him I just disapproved and he's the one person who never got anything at all back from us. ~ Terry
But I do know the no response thing exists. So if someone sends us an email, they'll get a response. I just can't see completely ignoring anyone who took the time to type and send a message, no matter what it's about. If nothing else, you can always say something like you just don't think you'd be compatible or whatever. The only sort of exception to that is blind friend requests. And sometimes even those get something back. I decide on single female and couple FRs, Dana decides on single males. But a while back I introduced Dana to a slightly different lifestyle and it turned out she liked that better, so she doesn't get on Swingular as much anymore. So when a single guy sends a FR and it just sits there a while, I usually send him a message explaining that she hasn't checked lately, but sooner or later will, and will decide when she does.
Blind single female and couple FRs don't ever get messages only because I always approve them. In the first place, friending someone isn't the same as saying "sure, let's meet and hook up." In the second, I just do not care how "pretty" anyone is, or how much they weigh, or any of that nonsense. I care whether or not they're nice people. And I always assume that everyone is nice, unless and until I discover differently, and based on just a FR, I have no reason to think it's a person I wouldn't ever want to have anything to do with.
There's only ever been one person who sent us anything, even a blind FR, who never got anything at all back. (except, I guess, any single guys Dana decided not to approve and whose FRs hadn't been sitting there long enough for me to feel I needed to send a note telling him he wasn't being ignored but just hadn't been seen by Dana yet). Although Dana does the approvals/disapprovals on single male FRs, I do look at them. I'm kind of protective of her, and although I've never felt the need to use it, I do have a veto over anyone she might meet. So I always look at their profiles. This guy who sent a blind FR was someplace in Texas, had NO pics and almost nothing else at all in his profile, which, to me, just screamed "Pic Collecter". Him I just disapproved and he's the one person who never got anything at all back from us. ~ Terry
I ALWAYS assume when people don't respond to a friend request/email from us that they are not interested. Maybe is our age, our bio, our pictures, our sexual preferences....there could be a dozen reasons. Sure, it could also be that they're too busy. But I know me and my man....if we get a friend request or email from someone we think is hot/interesting, we take the time to respond. We MAKE the time to respond! So if we approach someone online who doesn't respond, we just move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and we don't waste time wondering about the few that don't think we're up to snuff. Their loss. BYGONES!
What is a little more puzzling and disappointing to me is when someone emails us, and we respond, and THEN we get nothing back. It's like, "YOU initiated this!" But again, we don't get bent out of shape about it. We know how hard it is to make things click 4 ways even when we meet people that we think are going to be exactly what we're looking for. So if something is off after just a couple of emails back and forth, it's probably not going to happen in real life. Why force the issue? And why hurt someone's feelings saying it to their face? If you don't get a response, just assume they're not interested, don't get your feelings hurt, and move on to greener pastures! There are other people out there who are going to think you are the cat's meow....so spend your time connecting with them instead.
-Mrs. Xanadume
What is a little more puzzling and disappointing to me is when someone emails us, and we respond, and THEN we get nothing back. It's like, "YOU initiated this!" But again, we don't get bent out of shape about it. We know how hard it is to make things click 4 ways even when we meet people that we think are going to be exactly what we're looking for. So if something is off after just a couple of emails back and forth, it's probably not going to happen in real life. Why force the issue? And why hurt someone's feelings saying it to their face? If you don't get a response, just assume they're not interested, don't get your feelings hurt, and move on to greener pastures! There are other people out there who are going to think you are the cat's meow....so spend your time connecting with them instead.
-Mrs. Xanadume
I didn't read past the first page of responses but I think this might be a generational thing... I get so much mail at so many locations that I have to prioritize my time over responding to something I am not interested in. That might be discourteous but it's my time and I value it a lot. People don't respond when they don't want to, I would not take any offense. If you're really interested, write them a couple of times but my experience is if they're not communicating, it's not happening so move on.
Definitely some good replies and I think it has been covered, but since I know somebody will want to read this because my opinion is worth so much, I'll spend the time to reply. I went back to the original question on page one. Your question, Dennis and Nancy, was, "Are we wrong in this?" Are you wrong in feeling the need to reply to each and every email? No. Your computer, your time, your life. I too typically try to send a reply to the people who have put some thought into an email when they approach us. Sometimes they aren't cute, sometimes the profile doesn't match our desires, sometimes the dude has a creepy eye and just reminds me of a serial killer, and sometimes, we just don't have the time. For any of these I use this reply, which I have created a standard letter for:
Hi,
Thanks for your interest. After checking your profile we have decided that you probably are not the best match for us. Nothing wrong with you, we just don't see a connection happening or your goals are different than ours. Thanks for your time and best of luck to you both
Easy enough. Right? Usually. But this is a hobby for us. It isn't our first priority and it isn't our life. We have jobs, family, long-term friends and many other things we like to do. Are we polite people? Typically. We rarely do things to try and instigate unpleasant feelings in people. I would say we are kind, generous, fun and polite, but we only use this response in about 50% of the emails we receive. Sometimes all we look at is the profile pic, so make it your best one, or at least a good one.
My advice is this. Don't worry about it. The people who aren't responding are either too busy, or not interested in that moment to meet you. If you sit at home and worry that your email may have been lost in the shuffle, this lifestyle may not be for you. You have each other and this is just a fun, crazy journey to spice it up. Just as in everyday life, there are rude people, busy people, nice people and totally fucked up people. They are on the site as well, only now, you are trying to match your genitals to theirs. Would you really want to hook up with a couple that really didn't want to be with you? Of course not. If it hurts your feelings and you are a sensitive person, they probably aren't the couple for you anyhow. So keep looking. Maybe change your tactics and pics. Try something new. You are hoping to sell yourself in a single letter and profile. Mix it up. Maybe the kilt works, maybe it doesn't. I'm not a big fan of close up cock and pussy pics on the profile pic, but apparently it works for some. And when we don't reply to people, it isn't personal. We don't even know them. Stand tall, move on and keep looking.
PS. Those of you who we have sent our form rejection letter to, each shit, we hate you. haha. Just kidding, of course. We have many people we have talked to, lost contact with, but are still interested in. It is just hard to manage it all and a regular life. We need a secretary to keep track of people, screen names, stats, interests and what we have talked about. We pay in sexual favors. Anyone interested? Apply within.
Hi,
Thanks for your interest. After checking your profile we have decided that you probably are not the best match for us. Nothing wrong with you, we just don't see a connection happening or your goals are different than ours. Thanks for your time and best of luck to you both
Easy enough. Right? Usually. But this is a hobby for us. It isn't our first priority and it isn't our life. We have jobs, family, long-term friends and many other things we like to do. Are we polite people? Typically. We rarely do things to try and instigate unpleasant feelings in people. I would say we are kind, generous, fun and polite, but we only use this response in about 50% of the emails we receive. Sometimes all we look at is the profile pic, so make it your best one, or at least a good one.
My advice is this. Don't worry about it. The people who aren't responding are either too busy, or not interested in that moment to meet you. If you sit at home and worry that your email may have been lost in the shuffle, this lifestyle may not be for you. You have each other and this is just a fun, crazy journey to spice it up. Just as in everyday life, there are rude people, busy people, nice people and totally fucked up people. They are on the site as well, only now, you are trying to match your genitals to theirs. Would you really want to hook up with a couple that really didn't want to be with you? Of course not. If it hurts your feelings and you are a sensitive person, they probably aren't the couple for you anyhow. So keep looking. Maybe change your tactics and pics. Try something new. You are hoping to sell yourself in a single letter and profile. Mix it up. Maybe the kilt works, maybe it doesn't. I'm not a big fan of close up cock and pussy pics on the profile pic, but apparently it works for some. And when we don't reply to people, it isn't personal. We don't even know them. Stand tall, move on and keep looking.
PS. Those of you who we have sent our form rejection letter to, each shit, we hate you. haha. Just kidding, of course. We have many people we have talked to, lost contact with, but are still interested in. It is just hard to manage it all and a regular life. We need a secretary to keep track of people, screen names, stats, interests and what we have talked about. We pay in sexual favors. Anyone interested? Apply within.
So an update and a story.
We recently had a couple send a friend request several times and due to us being super busy, each time we just declined. On the fifth go around, we decided to send our personal message:
Hi,
Thanks for your interest. After checking your profile we have decided that you probably are not the best match for us. Nothing wrong with you, we just don't see a connection happening or your goals are different than ours. Thanks for your time and best of luck to you both.
Kind of a nice way to say we aren't interested without being too specific, at least we thought so. The couple wrote back, about how they were sorry they were so sorry they were ugly and not good enough for us, but written all in caps and the tone was "poor us, and shame on you". Just thought we would present the other side of being honest, which we still plan on doing.
We recently had a couple send a friend request several times and due to us being super busy, each time we just declined. On the fifth go around, we decided to send our personal message:
Hi,
Thanks for your interest. After checking your profile we have decided that you probably are not the best match for us. Nothing wrong with you, we just don't see a connection happening or your goals are different than ours. Thanks for your time and best of luck to you both.
Kind of a nice way to say we aren't interested without being too specific, at least we thought so. The couple wrote back, about how they were sorry they were so sorry they were ugly and not good enough for us, but written all in caps and the tone was "poor us, and shame on you". Just thought we would present the other side of being honest, which we still plan on doing.
SAMEROOMONLY wrote:
So an update and a story.
We recently had a couple send a friend request several times and due to us being super busy, each time we just declined. On the fifth go around, we decided to send our personal message:
Hi,
Thanks for your interest. After checking your profile we have decided that you probably are not the best match for us. Nothing wrong with you, we just don't see a connection happening or your goals are different than ours. Thanks for your time and best of luck to you both.
Kind of a nice way to say we aren't interested without being too specific, at least we thought so. The couple wrote back, about how they were sorry they were so sorry they were ugly and not good enough for us, but written all in caps and the tone was "poor us, and shame on you". Just thought we would present the other side of being honest, which we still plan on doing.
Unfortunately this kind of shit happens all too often in the lifestyle. It's quite easy to send a polite "thanks, but no thanks" response but it's not all that often that a polite turn down is politely accepted...and THAT'S why so many just don't automatically respond to friend requests and/or emails. It's far easier to just ignore the majority of emails than to risk someone sending a butt hurt, rude response. To all those who are upset that they don't always get a polite turn down, blame it on the assholes who won't accept one. I guess it's sorta like the bad apple single males ruining it for the few respectful single males out there.
EVILDOERS wrote:SAMEROOMONLY wrote:
So an update and a story.
We recently had a couple send a friend request several times and due to us being super busy, each time we just declined. On the fifth go around, we decided to send our personal message:
Hi,
Thanks for your interest. After checking your profile we have decided that you probably are not the best match for us. Nothing wrong with you, we just don't see a connection happening or your goals are different than ours. Thanks for your time and best of luck to you both.
Kind of a nice way to say we aren't interested without being too specific, at least we thought so. The couple wrote back, about how they were sorry they were so sorry they were ugly and not good enough for us, but written all in caps and the tone was "poor us, and shame on you". Just thought we would present the other side of being honest, which we still plan on doing.
Unfortunately this kind of shit happens all too often in the lifestyle. It's quite easy to send a polite "thanks, but no thanks" response but it's not all that often that a polite turn down is politely accepted...and THAT'S why so many just don't automatically respond to friend requests and/or emails. It's far easier to just ignore the majority of emails than to risk someone sending a butt hurt, rude response. To all those who are upset that they don't always get a polite turn down, blame it on the assholes who won't accept one. I guess it's sorta like the bad apple single males ruining it for the few respectful single males out there.
Or the pushy male half of a couple being a privileged prick who simply can't believe he's getting turned down (even politely, if firmly) by a mere female, so he needs to educate her on why she's wrong to do so.
Tell us how you REALLY feel, CHEFFETTE. 
And yes there are plenty of married guys out there getting their weiners all bent out of shape because they were rejected. The married guys were implied because they're usually the ones sending the pissy replies to a polite rejection. That's one thing I can say for most single guys...they can take rejection better, on average, than married guys can. Maybe it's because they're used to being rejected more often.
I'm sensing a theme here. Maybe guys shouldn't be allowed to swing...or at very least they shouldn't be allowed to do any of the communication.
And yes there are plenty of married guys out there getting their weiners all bent out of shape because they were rejected. The married guys were implied because they're usually the ones sending the pissy replies to a polite rejection. That's one thing I can say for most single guys...they can take rejection better, on average, than married guys can. Maybe it's because they're used to being rejected more often.
I'm sensing a theme here. Maybe guys shouldn't be allowed to swing...or at very least they shouldn't be allowed to do any of the communication.
EVILDOERS wrote:
Tell us how you REALLY feel, CHEFFETTE.
And yes there are plenty of married guys out there getting their weiners all bent out of shape because they were rejected. The married guys were implied because they're usually the ones sending the pissy replies to a polite rejection. That's one thing I can say for most single guys...they can take rejection better, on average, than married guys can. Maybe it's because they're used to being rejected more often.
I'm sensing a theme here. Maybe guys shouldn't be allowed to swing...or at very least they shouldn't be allowed to do any of the communication.
Yep, they should sit there and be pretty. When they're needed they'll be notified.
But seriously, I think you're probably right; a single guy knows he's likely to be rejected whereas a partnered guy hasn't entertained the possibility; there's a cognitive dissonance at play they have a harder time overcoming.
The good thing about written communication from a couple on here, be it a post or a message, is it's often clear when it's the male half writing and that can be taken into account.
Is a woman's idea being dismissed or downplayed? It's probably written by a guy.
Is there an overarching attempt to calm a situation and move forward anyway, any difficulties recommended to be addressed later or afterward? Probably a guy.
Poor spelling, grammar and a lack of editing for clarity. Dudes are gonna dude.
So True! We always say, "Everyone wants to swing up!"
[quote=KANDD]my very 'average-in-every-way' nephew and his mother are upset the cheerleaders and 10's at his high school don't answer his invitations to the prom.
you have encountered one of the great challenges of the lifestyle. nearly everyone is looking uphill for companions and there are a million possible reasons to look down on someone. the people you are interested are probably not the same group interested in you. throw in age differences, locations issues and the events in their life you are not aware of and it's frankly a miracle any hook-ups ever happen. thank god for alcohol!
look at some of seinfeld's break up excuses
For having
[quote=KANDD]my very 'average-in-every-way' nephew and his mother are upset the cheerleaders and 10's at his high school don't answer his invitations to the prom.
you have encountered one of the great challenges of the lifestyle. nearly everyone is looking uphill for companions and there are a million possible reasons to look down on someone. the people you are interested are probably not the same group interested in you. throw in age differences, locations issues and the events in their life you are not aware of and it's frankly a miracle any hook-ups ever happen. thank god for alcohol!
look at some of seinfeld's break up excuses
For having