We have been in the lifestyle now for about 3 and a half years and it's been really fun meeting so many new people but I have a question. What is swinging all about? Here's my dilemma I've noticed that people we have played with act in a certain manner that is starting to disgust me. First and foremost yes we swing because we like to have sex with strangers that I fully understand. What I don't understand is the fact that all these couples say that they want the friendship at first and everything is great until after we all have sex then it's like we don't exist anymore. I enjoy the play but at times I do crave a little more of a friendship with benefits. So in the swingers life is it all about how many people you screw and that's it. We met this really awesome couple and we all hit it off like great friends but after the play was done they show no interest. I should be happy I got laid but is it wrong to be a swinger and want to have a friendship?
From an outsider's perspective, this is one of the most obvious cons to me about being married swingers; you still have to deal w/ the annoyances of dating. Like Harry says in 'When Harry Met Sally', "I got married so I didn't have to date anymore!" You're happy to get laid, but it wasn't only about getting laid; it was about connecting to other people and for whatever reason they didn't want to maintain the connection. I think that's why there are so many small group outings posted about on here; those couples have found they're happiest when they develop a like-minded connection and hope sex will be another activity they partake w/ those to whom they're connected.
Of course, I could be totally wrong and there will be no shortage of married swingers who tell me so along in a few minutes.
Of course, I could be totally wrong and there will be no shortage of married swingers who tell me so along in a few minutes.
I think the biggest thing I've learned in this lifestyle is to never take things personally. We have had one night stands with people and never talked to them again... sometimes by their choice, sometimes by ours. We have had friendships with and without sex, we have taken breaks and talked to no one in the LS for 6 months with no explanation besides "personal reasons". At the end of the day, we do this because it brings value to our marriage. Any additional friendships along the way are an added bonus. I think it's important not to judge yours or anyone else's interpretation of this LS. I'm not sure its fair to call others choices "disgusting". It's all a learning experience, it's all fun and it's ultimately about you and your spouse. If you've become disillusioned with swinging maybe it's time for a break to decide if it's still something positive in your life.
We have experienced the same thing a lot jv666playful too. We would like more friendships with benefits and not just one night stands. One thing we have noticed is how many people aren't willing to plan ahead which makes it hard for us where our employment and lives keep us very busy.
We are new, but the similarities between dating and the LS seem similar, except in this case, the couple's as a whole tend to act more like the man in a "normal" courtship. How many girls do you know that think they have found a great guy, sleep with them, then he moves on. "It's not you, Babe, it's me." I think most people in the LS (this is just my opinion) hopefully already have a full set of friends and a great relationship with their spouse, so they may say, and even have the intentions, of being friends with benefits. However, once the glamour and newness wear off from the initial courtship, people want another challenges, more excitement, the thrill of the hunt. It's human nature to want to explore and isn't that what brought most of us into the LS in the first place? I'm sure some just wanted to fuck a bunch of random people, but at least for us, it was more about the journey together, experiencing something extraordinary and new. Also, sex can certainly change the dynamics of any relationship, so that probably plays a part in this non-black-and-white scenario you are presenting. There are so many grey areas and so many various factors that transform these situations. So if you want my advice, which I know you don't, haha, just take it all in stride, or learn to make your goals more concrete. If you want friends with benefits, work on the friendship for a long time, make sure it is solid, and then have the benefits. If you give it up too soon, and you are just sort-of-friends, chances are evolution will take over and the wolves will move on to the next hunt.
SAMEROOMONLY wrote:
We are new, but the similarities between dating and the LS seem similar, except in this case, the couple's as whole tend to act more like the man in a "normal" courtship. How many girls do you know that think they have found a great guy, sleep with them ,then he moves on. "It's not you, Babe, it's me." I think most people in the LS (this is just my opinion) hopefully already have a full set of friends and a great relationship with their spouse, so they may say, and even have the intentions, of being friends with benefits. However, once the glamour and newness wear off from the initial courtship, people want another challenge, more excitement,the thrill of the hunt. It's human nature to want to explore and isn't that what brought most of us into the LS in the first place? I'm sure just wanted to fuck a bunch of random people, but at least for us, it was more about the journey together, experiencing something extraordinary and new. Also, sex can certainly change the dynamics of any relationship, so that probably plays a part in this non black and white scenario you are presenting. There are so many grey areas and so many various factors that transform these situations. So if you want my advice, which I know you don't, haha, just take it all in stride, or learn to make your goals more concrete. If you want friends with benefits, work on the friendship for a long time, make sure it is solid, and then have the benefits. If you give it up too soon, and you are just sort-of-friends, chances are evolution will take over and the wolves will move on to the next hunt.
WOW this is the most insightful remark I love the feedback
We absolutely DO NOT think it is wrong of you guys to want friendship to go along with the playtime and sex that you are having with other couples. As you alluded to in your original statement, there are a LOT of people out there that say they want friendship to go along with the playing, but we have also discovered that is NOT always really the case and that some people just want to get laid and have fun. Personally, we don't think there is anything wrong with that either as each couple is looking for something a little bit different from this lifestyle. However, we can tell you that we are indeed one of those couples who really does want to be friends with the people that we play with. Does that mean we are going to actually be friends with every couple that we play with? No, it doesn't because sometimes we just don't hit it off as well as we thought we would have and that sentiment is further exemplified along with the act of having sex with them. But we can say, that if you keep looking and remain open, you will find those couples that you can play with and be friends with as well. We have several that fit into that category and we consider ourselves to be very, very lucky for it.
As you move into a new friendship with someone one here concern yourself more about the friendship and less about the sex, if that is truly what you are looking for. It is a lot easier to find someone to get naked with then to find a good friend, those are hard to come by and remember to find a good friend you must be that good friend to them as well.
Not to say you are not,life gets krazy and it is hard to find time for all of this but as that friendship develops the FWB will also develop, just let it evolve. Go fuck someone else and just let it develop.
We have been very lucky to find a few of those friends and the play with them does not always happen but the holidays and family gatherings that you feel good with the invite to those sexy friends makes that friendship stronger and that is what keeps them around, and when the play is involved it seems to get just a little better every time. just my .02
Not to say you are not,life gets krazy and it is hard to find time for all of this but as that friendship develops the FWB will also develop, just let it evolve. Go fuck someone else and just let it develop.
We have been very lucky to find a few of those friends and the play with them does not always happen but the holidays and family gatherings that you feel good with the invite to those sexy friends makes that friendship stronger and that is what keeps them around, and when the play is involved it seems to get just a little better every time. just my .02
KRAZYGIRL wrote:
As you move into a new friendship with someone one here concern yourself more about the friendship and less about the sex, if that is truly what you are looking for. It is a lot easier to find someone to get naked with then to find a good friend, those are hard to come by and remember to find a good friend you must be that good friend to them as well.
Not to say you are not,life gets krazy and it is hard to find time for all of this but as that friendship develops the FWB will also develop, just let it evolve. Go fuck someone else and just let it develop.
We have been very lucky to find a few of those friends and the play with them does not always happen but the holidays and family gatherings that you feel good with the invite to those sexy friends makes that friendship stronger and that is what keeps them around, and when the play is involved it seems to get just a little better every time. just my .02
Thank you for that reply it's good to hear the honest views of others we hope to hear more from you
Thanks. Glad to be of service, in so many ways. hehe
SAMEROOMONLY wrote:
Thanks. Glad to be of service, in so many ways. hehe
You're a tease and we love it...Now prove it you sexies
It seems to me that it is much easier to find someone with which one is physically compatible than emotionally compatible. Physical attraction just requires a bunch of hormones to kick in. Emotional attraction means you must like another person's views on all sorts of things including politics, religion, and whatever hobby they may have regardless of whether you are into it. Further complication arises when four people are involved (assuming we're talking about couples). If one person isn't feeling it then it's just not going to work out -- be it a sexual relationship or friendship.
Unfortunately we just broke up with another couple. In the beginning it was about sex. Everyone was into it and had fun. As such it turned into seeing each other multiple times. Rather unexpectedly. We ended up having a lot great nights together going to dinner, talking, drinking, dancing, and finally fucking for hours. But one person was not as in to it and neglected to voice the fact clearly enough and to everyone involved. When this finally did come to light it effectively ended the relationship. C'est la vie.
The thing we learned from this situation is that clear communication is important. Not just between the partners in each couple (intra-couple) but between the couples as well (inter-couple). I won't try to offer a solution here. I don't have it. But I can tell you that our intent when considering a couple as potential friends with benefits will be to determine how we both feel and how open they are to communicating with us. If one of us isn't into it or they're reserved then it's not likely to work out. At least not until the issue has been resolved -- if it even can be. Regardless we're glad to enjoy our new found playmates carnally if nothing else.
Unfortunately we just broke up with another couple. In the beginning it was about sex. Everyone was into it and had fun. As such it turned into seeing each other multiple times. Rather unexpectedly. We ended up having a lot great nights together going to dinner, talking, drinking, dancing, and finally fucking for hours. But one person was not as in to it and neglected to voice the fact clearly enough and to everyone involved. When this finally did come to light it effectively ended the relationship. C'est la vie.
The thing we learned from this situation is that clear communication is important. Not just between the partners in each couple (intra-couple) but between the couples as well (inter-couple). I won't try to offer a solution here. I don't have it. But I can tell you that our intent when considering a couple as potential friends with benefits will be to determine how we both feel and how open they are to communicating with us. If one of us isn't into it or they're reserved then it's not likely to work out. At least not until the issue has been resolved -- if it even can be. Regardless we're glad to enjoy our new found playmates carnally if nothing else.
You all are now enlightened! I like it!!
This is a really thoughtful thread, and we've seen things both ways also. Hell, we've been the busy couple that can't break free during the week. An ongoing relationship, whether sexual or not, requires some constant tending or it's going to fade out. We prefer to take things as they cum, hehe. If it's a sexual encounter, great. Lots of fun and no regrets. And if it grows into something where we really enjoy each other's company, it will happen naturally.
When you hook up with a couple, you are hooking up to the part of their life they in general want to keep secrete. They don't want you as friends that will filter into their everyday normal life. And there is always times where you know the other couple are great people, but the sex just was not that good. Most all sex is fun, but some sex is way better. You have to be able to sep real life friends and sex friends, its not often they mix well. People have their family, jobs and life in general to protect and don't want you close to any of it or should I say will risk having you close to it. It's not personal, it's reality and swinging is fantacy and you were a booty call. If you find true friends, generally the playing stops. You don't want to risk true friends for a quick piece of bootie. We see swingers who seem to have play friends that work, but if we see them a year later. It has almost always chaged for some reason. So relax, have fun and move on. There will be couples you do not want a play date with again too. 
BISEXUALMOJO4FUN wrote:
When you hook up with a couple, you are hooking up to the part of their life they in general want to keep secrete. They don't want you as friends that will filter into their everyday normal life. And there is always times where you know the other couple are great people, but the sex just was not that good. Most all sex is fun, but some sex is way better. You have to be able to sep real life friends and sex friends, its not often they mix well. People have their family, jobs and life in general to protect and don't want you close to any of it or should I say will risk having you close to it. It's not personal, it's reality and swinging is fantacy and you were a booty call. If you find true friends, generally the playing stops. You don't want to risk true friends for a quick piece of bootie. We see swingers who seem to have play friends that work, but if we see them a year later. It has almost always chaged for some reason. So relax, have fun and move on. There will be couples you do not want a play date with again too.
That makes it alright for them to lie?
Boy this is a tough one, you are going to get a ton of different replies and most will be valid. We would love to offer our two cents. We have made great friends while in the LS, for us what has been different, and to be honest it took us a while to see it and understand it, was when we first started we didn't know what we really wanted out of this, so we had encounters, most of which were one night stands. As time went on, we started to realize that what we really wanted were people that we had a connection with in and out of the bedroom, people we can travel with, enjoy a night together even if there wasn't any play involved that night. So we stopped having one night stands and started to focus on getting to know people before we played with them, what they like, dislike, what turns them on/off, do for fun inside and outside of the play area. Now we know that some people have limited time because of busy lives, we do, but we know that not playing on the first date has worked much better for us if what we are looking for are great friends. With that said we have played on the first date knowing that it will more than likely not turn into anything more than a good meal. Hope all this made sense.
I would say its like a box of chocolates! We have had one nighters to have besties that we have done vanilla vacations with family! We have a handful of LS friends that we feel like they are family! We just love the Aura LS peeps have.
We would love to find that lasting friendship
AMYNBOB wrote:
I would say its like a box of chocolates! We have had one nighters to have besties that we have done vanilla vacations with family! We have a handful of LS friends that we feel like they are family! We just love the Aura LS peeps have.
Very well put. We feel the same way.
DODGE1 wrote:
We would love to find that lasting friendship
They are out there just waiting for you to find them.
We have made a few good friends and we have done the "WamBam" never talked again. Everyone is different. There have been times we really like the other person/couple and for whatever reason afterwards we never hear from them again but on the other hand we have been the ones that never returned e-mails/texts.
Everyone is different and it is far and few between you will find a couple/person that has everything that works between everyone involved.
We have met all kinds of people. Divorced, single, married several times, first timers, very experienced, shy, over confident, sexy and not so sexy. Its all good and we love the lifestyle and we can't wait until the next meet up/party.
Everyone is different and it is far and few between you will find a couple/person that has everything that works between everyone involved.
We have met all kinds of people. Divorced, single, married several times, first timers, very experienced, shy, over confident, sexy and not so sexy. Its all good and we love the lifestyle and we can't wait until the next meet up/party.
We have found in the 10+ yrs in the LS that we aren't into other couples ..friends yes but we don't swing with them..tooo many ways for that to fall apart...the wives gotta be into each other the husbands gotta get along ect ect ect..That's why we have became pretty much exclusive with singles only...we have tons of friends in the LS but we never fool around with em...but that's just us.