Hey! So I'm new to the site as a single female. Was once a couple, so I'm not sure how to navigate and stay safe... Any advice? I want to be able to explore and have fun, but I get worried without the security of a strong male behind me. Thanks in advance 
Just some generic advice from other alternative communities (poly/kinky) that works here, too:
1. Believe every M/F/couple online is a guy until proven otherwise, haha. (pic collectors, cheaters, predatory types)
2. Meet people at public places. Be conservative with personal information until you know them.
3. Meet at public greets or casual events, and parties with others around.
4. Make safe calls, make sure a trusted friend knows where you are and with who (text a pic of your date and the locale), and have them expect a call a certain time of the night (or many) to check in.
5. Watch for red flags - tall tales, incongruent stories, pressure, coercion, desperation, entitlement and anger. (Often, you can judge someone's reaction to a NO to see if they're respectful)
6. Respect yourself, and be able to say NO anytime you feel uncomfortable and not excited about meeting someone or doing anything - enthusiastic consent.
7. Communicate, state what you want and find what they want, and hard limits.
8. Safety - STD history and testing, be careful vulnerable activities until you know someone well (bondage, gang bang fantasies, etc), find a friend or couple and use the buddy system to watch out for each other.
Typical dating stuff safety, and a few caveats for the lifestyle.
And, enjoy yourself :-)
1. Believe every M/F/couple online is a guy until proven otherwise, haha. (pic collectors, cheaters, predatory types)
2. Meet people at public places. Be conservative with personal information until you know them.
3. Meet at public greets or casual events, and parties with others around.
4. Make safe calls, make sure a trusted friend knows where you are and with who (text a pic of your date and the locale), and have them expect a call a certain time of the night (or many) to check in.
5. Watch for red flags - tall tales, incongruent stories, pressure, coercion, desperation, entitlement and anger. (Often, you can judge someone's reaction to a NO to see if they're respectful)
6. Respect yourself, and be able to say NO anytime you feel uncomfortable and not excited about meeting someone or doing anything - enthusiastic consent.
7. Communicate, state what you want and find what they want, and hard limits.
8. Safety - STD history and testing, be careful vulnerable activities until you know someone well (bondage, gang bang fantasies, etc), find a friend or couple and use the buddy system to watch out for each other.
Typical dating stuff safety, and a few caveats for the lifestyle.
And, enjoy yourself :-)
^^ Great advice.
hi , if your a single lady wanting to meet with a couple, its best to text or talk to the lady first before meeting,
It is a great topic. Suprised it hasn't came up before now. Thank you
UNICORNTHREE for doing so. And Just_Rach, Thank you for your input.
UNICORNTHREE for doing so. And Just_Rach, Thank you for your input.
Great Topic.
As my profile states I will only consider meeting couples that are VIP and have testimonials from other members.
I also ALWAYS talk to the female half of the couple on the phone before meeting.
Meet in public first! Even if its only for a few minutes
Also, if I get a bad gut feeling its usually right, I politely tell the couple I am not interested.
As my profile states I will only consider meeting couples that are VIP and have testimonials from other members.
I also ALWAYS talk to the female half of the couple on the phone before meeting.
Meet in public first! Even if its only for a few minutes
Also, if I get a bad gut feeling its usually right, I politely tell the couple I am not interested.
All good advice...
A few other thoughts...
Trust your gut.
Never go anywhere to meet someone without someone knowing where you are going.
Realize that many people (yeah probably mostly guys) WILL lie to get sex.
Know that it's not always easy to tell who the good guys (or girls) are.
Consider playing only with people who someone trusted has referred you to.
Don't assume that just because a guy is married or that you are approached by a couple that they are necessarily trustworthy. A marriage certificate doesn't automatically denote honorable intentions.
A few other thoughts...
Trust your gut.
Never go anywhere to meet someone without someone knowing where you are going.
Realize that many people (yeah probably mostly guys) WILL lie to get sex.
Know that it's not always easy to tell who the good guys (or girls) are.
Consider playing only with people who someone trusted has referred you to.
Don't assume that just because a guy is married or that you are approached by a couple that they are necessarily trustworthy. A marriage certificate doesn't automatically denote honorable intentions.
Excellent message board topic and some really good suggestions/advise.
Have fun while being safe!
Have fun while being safe!
Thank you all so much!!! So much great advice and I feel so much better about tackling this sexy world! I'm so thankful I got the detailed advice I did, because I had so many questions on how, when, where and why... So thank you!
We (sf) should start a "unicorn" buddy system/support group. Go to parties together etc.
QUEENOFCRUNKXXX wrote:
We (sf) should start a "unicorn" buddy system/support group. Go to parties together etc.
Sounds like fun! Count me in too
I don't know, this might be considered impolite or something, because it seems like such an obvious idea, and I've never heard anyone mention it. But I don't think anything a single female does to try to feel safe should ever be considered impolite, or too nosy, or whatever.
Before meeting a new guy (or even a couple (who might, after all, be a single guy), explain that you certainly don't mean anything bad where he/they are concerned, but because there are some people who pretend to be who or what they aren't, and because you're a single female, you try to be careful about meeting new people, and ask if they'd mind if you contacted others in the LS who know them before you set up a meeting. Anyone with nothing to hide should understand a request like that, and be glad to give you a reference or references. If he/they don't want to give you the username(s) of anyone who knows him/them, I'd consider that to be a serious red flag. I'd figure that either they are trying to fake something, or that they just don't have any consideration and respect for your need to feel secure. And in either case, not someone you really want to trust. ~ Terry
Before meeting a new guy (or even a couple (who might, after all, be a single guy), explain that you certainly don't mean anything bad where he/they are concerned, but because there are some people who pretend to be who or what they aren't, and because you're a single female, you try to be careful about meeting new people, and ask if they'd mind if you contacted others in the LS who know them before you set up a meeting. Anyone with nothing to hide should understand a request like that, and be glad to give you a reference or references. If he/they don't want to give you the username(s) of anyone who knows him/them, I'd consider that to be a serious red flag. I'd figure that either they are trying to fake something, or that they just don't have any consideration and respect for your need to feel secure. And in either case, not someone you really want to trust. ~ Terry
I play solo sometimes and I always meet in a public place for coffee first. If he does not at least offer to pay then he is probably going to be selfish in the bedroom. (yes I intend to pay for mine but some insist.) I also am very upfront that I DO NOT play the first time we meet. I like to be able to go home and regroup and decide if he is worth it. Will he text and is he excited to see me again. I don't need that stalker 500 texts a day, but knowing he is turned on waiting for our next meeting is a turn on. Does he text or call after 5pm (after work)or is he hiding from a wife. Different people avoid drama different ways. I play safe physically, emotionally, and mentally. Hope this helps give you some ideas and you can feel safer. There have been a LOT of great ideas here. *Ten*
attend any of the larger local parties posted on the home page. you will be safe in that environment. at the party talk up several couples, if you feel safe and comfortable with them in that setting ask if they would be interested in being your safety partner in a smaller setting, get their profile names and/or a phone number and use them as a resource.
I am new to playing solo these days. And even though I've been in the lifestyle for almost 7 years, it's nice to be reminded how to stay safe. Especially since my situation is different now. JustRach... Thank you for that well spoken advice.
Y'know, one last suggestion. I have absolutely no idea how difficult this would be, but if you can, find some male escort to parties/events, one who is willing to sort of look out for you but, at the same time NOT play with you, because if he wants to play that brings his motives into question. I do know that a few such people exist, but I'm not sure how you'd find one of them. The only suggestion I'd have would be to talk to other girls and maybe they'd know someone. ~ Terry.
TMACA wrote:In such a situation where I decided it would be a good idea to ask a man to protect me, I'd pick one I chose rather than one who asked me to trust him. No guarantees, of course, but less likely to be a 'fox guarding the henhouse'.
Y'know, one last suggestion. I have absolutely no idea how difficult this would be, but if you can, find some male escort to parties/events, one who is willing to sort of look out for you but, at the same time NOT play with you, because if he wants to play that brings his motives into question. I do know that a few such people exist, but I'm not sure how you'd find one of them. The only suggestion I'd have would be to talk to other girls and maybe they'd know someone. ~ Terry.
Like Unicorn I started young in all of this and then got married later on. For many reasons that didn't work out and am single once again. Like Unicorn it is certainly a rush to be desired,seduced by others. Am lucky to have found great couples that help me navigate my way when I first started and now continuing. I never give out my number to anyone I haven't met first. The usual line that we can text and get to know one another is lame and not tolerated. While knowing I am the most desired I also understand I am the most at risk. My rule is that I don't meet anyone new alone for any reason. The only couples,women or men or parties I go to are at the recommendation of someone I call a friend in the LS that I have known. Am lucky that I know my friends wouldn't put me in a awkward or dangerous situation and like I said I go to meet with them as well. Has worked extremely well. If I am in the mood for an adventure, the people I already know have never disappointed me yet.
SIREROS wrote:The only person whose authenticity I can be sure of is me, odds or no. This isn't static math, it's people.
Seriously Cheffette? you would just randomly choose a guy rather than accept that someone who offers is genuine ? You can of course screen them both, but seems to me the odds are better if you start with a man who has made his intention known.
I don't know where you get 'choose randomly' from, but yes, I would absolutely trust my own choice over that of someone who has clear reasons to harbor an ulterior motive, especially if that person won't take NO for an answer the first (or second) time and then questions the decision of the person who refused his suggestion; that's not the behavior of someone who can be trusted. It's paternal and condescending, which would destroy any trust I may previously have had in that person.
I don't have to go to any extreme lengths b/c I allow myself the luxury of not giving anyone a second chance once they show me who they are; I get far fewer dates than I might have otherwise but I'm quite fine w/ that. My gut feelings may not be perfect but I'm alive to talk about it.
CHEFFETTE wrote:SIREROS wrote:The only person whose authenticity I can be sure of is me, odds or no. This isn't static math, it's people.
Seriously Cheffette? you would just randomly choose a guy rather than accept that someone who offers is genuine ? You can of course screen them both, but seems to me the odds are better if you start with a man who has made his intention known.
I don't know where you get 'choose randomly' from, but yes, I would absolutely trust my own choice over that of someone who has clear reasons to harbor an ulterior motive, especially if that person won't take NO for an answer the first (or second) time and then questions the decision of the person who refused his suggestion; that's not the behavior of someone who can be trusted. It's paternal and condescending, which would destroy any trust I may previously have had in that person.
I don't have to go to any extreme lengths b/c I allow myself the luxury of not giving anyone a second chance once they show me who they are; I get far fewer dates than I might have otherwise but I'm quite fine w/ that. My gut feelings may not be perfect but I'm alive to talk about it.
Well said sister
I think the idea of a unicorn group to discuss safety issues is a great idea. I also find it hilarious that some guys seem offended that they don't receive immediate and implicit trust simply by offering their protective services. Personal safety is and should be a primary concern for ladies venturing off on their own into the swing world. I'm sure many single (and married) guys actually ARE "respectful" and "a gentleman" like they advertise in their profiles but I also know for a fact that MANY men make some very strong assumptions about women who participate in the lifestyle that are not always positive. Ms. Evil has dipped her toes in the SM pool a few times over the years (I think she still has a separate profile on another site but hasn't checked it in years) and has found that at times it can be quite scary if you end up alone with the wrong guy. And it isn't necessarily just single guys. Some married guys can be extremely pushy and WORSE. It's heartening to read the attitudes and "rules" many of you unicorns have in place for your safety and it belies the undeserved stereotype single females often get in the lifestyle of being flaky, unstable and fickle. You GO girls! 
I am glad to see this topic.
I have gone from being a couple to a single female.
And I had previously changed My profile to state these concerns.
and since no one reads the profiles, I still get the same, lets meet for sex emails all the time.
no I am not just going to meet you just for sex (having never met)
no I am not going to drive to some location and meet just to see if we can have sex.
and no I am not giving you my phone number (not til we do meet, but maybe then)
no ! lol
I figure, I am easy to meet. I am a host.
I provide a low pressure place for all to meet.
Please everyone.. Use the Mngs as a place to meet.
They are a group meeting zone with no pressures of being alone and having others of like mind around.
KandyK - KnK MeetNGreets
PS
Yup - This is the reason we are called Unicorns..
LOL
I have gone from being a couple to a single female.
And I had previously changed My profile to state these concerns.
and since no one reads the profiles, I still get the same, lets meet for sex emails all the time.
no I am not just going to meet you just for sex (having never met)
no I am not going to drive to some location and meet just to see if we can have sex.
and no I am not giving you my phone number (not til we do meet, but maybe then)
no ! lol
I figure, I am easy to meet. I am a host.
I provide a low pressure place for all to meet.
Please everyone.. Use the Mngs as a place to meet.
They are a group meeting zone with no pressures of being alone and having others of like mind around.
KandyK - KnK MeetNGreets
PS
Yup - This is the reason we are called Unicorns..
LOL
CHEFFETTE wrote:TMACA wrote:In such a situation where I decided it would be a good idea to ask a man to protect me, I'd pick one I chose rather than one who asked me to trust him. No guarantees, of course, but less likely to be a 'fox guarding the henhouse'.
Y'know, one last suggestion. I have absolutely no idea how difficult this would be, but if you can, find some male escort to parties/events, one who is willing to sort of look out for you but, at the same time NOT play with you, because if he wants to play that brings his motives into question. I do know that a few such people exist, but I'm not sure how you'd find one of them. The only suggestion I'd have would be to talk to other girls and maybe they'd know someone. ~ Terry.
That's why I suggested a guy who isn't going to be playing with his "date". That WASN'T a condemnation of men and their motives, Hell, I'm a man. But the idea here is not just a girl's safety but also her feeling of safety, and if the guy isn't going to be playing with her, that removes that fox guarding the henhouse worry. ~ Terry
Terry,
That's all fine and good but you don't think that a guy might just SAY that in hopes of changing the girl's mind later? I'm not questioning your integrity or motives just saying that, in general, many guys will say and do just about anything for sex. I could easily imagine quite a few scenarios where a guy could come across with seemingly good intentions but have ulterior motives. Hell, we've had guys write us and ask to meet them and their wives (without disclosing that we're swingers) and suggest that we get the wife really drunk and then have sex with them. Again, I'm not saying anything about YOUR character or motives, just that because a guy SAYS he won't play with his "date" doesn't necessarily automatically make him trustworthy. YMMV
Evil
ps- We won't EVEN get into the subject of things like date rape drugs which by many accounts ARE being used in the swing scene by nefarious individuals.
That's all fine and good but you don't think that a guy might just SAY that in hopes of changing the girl's mind later? I'm not questioning your integrity or motives just saying that, in general, many guys will say and do just about anything for sex. I could easily imagine quite a few scenarios where a guy could come across with seemingly good intentions but have ulterior motives. Hell, we've had guys write us and ask to meet them and their wives (without disclosing that we're swingers) and suggest that we get the wife really drunk and then have sex with them. Again, I'm not saying anything about YOUR character or motives, just that because a guy SAYS he won't play with his "date" doesn't necessarily automatically make him trustworthy. YMMV
Evil
ps- We won't EVEN get into the subject of things like date rape drugs which by many accounts ARE being used in the swing scene by nefarious individuals.
EVILDOERS wrote:That is just plain awful. What a nightmarish scenario for everyone involved but the guy getting his rocks off watching his wife raped.
Hell, we've had guys write us and ask to meet them and their wives (without disclosing that we're swingers) and suggest that we get the wife really drunk and then have sex with them.
CHEFFETTE wrote:EVILDOERS wrote:That is just plain awful. What a nightmarish scenario for everyone involved but the guy getting his rocks off watching his wife raped.
Hell, we've had guys write us and ask to meet them and their wives (without disclosing that we're swingers) and suggest that we get the wife really drunk and then have sex with them.
Didn't you hear? According to a legislator from Pleasant Grove it might not be rape if she's unconscious.
Stupid Utah Lawmaker
EVILDOERS wrote:CHEFFETTE wrote:That is just plain awful. What a nightmarish scenario for everyone involved but the guy getting his rocks off watching his wife raped.
[quote=EVILDOERS]Hell, we've had guys write us and ask to meet them and their wives (without disclosing that we're swingers) and suggest that we get the wife really drunk and then have sex with them.
Didn't you hear? According to a legislator from Pleasant Grove it might not be rape if she's unconscious.
Stupid Utah Lawmaker[/quote]
I didn't hear about that, probably b/c I was out buying a ticket to fly off this planet where I don't care to live w/ people like that pandering toolbag who's clearly never known someone close to him who's been sexually assaulted. There's no slippery slope here - if consent isn't enthusiastically given (context considered), there's no consent.
ETA - looks like he's been rapped on the knuckles well by others already.
OR...the only way he can get any is by making sure his wife takes a couple of Ambien every night at bedtime. 
EVILDOERS wrote:
Didn't you hear? According to a legislator from Pleasant Grove it might not be rape if she's unconscious.
Stupid Utah Lawmaker
I've nothing to contribute other than a hearty "What the fucking shit".
UNICORNTHREE wrote:
Hey! So I'm new to the site as a single female. Was once a couple, so I'm not sure how to navigate and stay safe... Any advice? I want to be able to explore and have fun, but I get worried without the security of a strong male behind me. Thanks in advance
just fuck us and you'd be fine