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I've done some reading through the forums and it has been enlightening. My wife and I are wanting to look inside the LS a bit, get our toes wet, and have had same room sex, no swap, which was amazing for everyone. I don't think she is interested simply to please me. She has always been a bit of an exhibitionist. However, I do think I am stretching her comfort zone, which isn't a bad thing, if done properly. I am not as afraid of the LS as she is, and we have seen several friends have issues r/t the lifestyle, or possibly their problems just became more pronounced after introducing one more volatile aspect into their relationship. I know if not done properly, or with the proper attitude, it might prove disastrous for our marriage, which would certainly not be worth it. We are deeply in love and have a great marriage. We have put an ad on here for same room only, no swap and have had a great response. However, she recently told me we can't find same room, no swap couples locally as she thinks it will lead to cheating between the couples (something that did happen to our friends). So a few questions.
1) What is everyone's experience with local couples getting too familiar with each other and ending up cheating?
2) If high, does it seem logical to only "play" when out of town, or with visitors?
3) Can you rate as a percentage, from your own friends and experiences in the lifestyle, what percentage of people have had issues related to swinging
4) We are strong people, but how much pressure will be thrown at us to do more than what we are comfortable with? Same room, no swap.
5) Any general thoughts?
I know it is hard to Quantify those responses, but do what you can, or answer any way that makes sense to you. Thanks for much for your time.
I've done some reading through the forums and it has been enlightening. My wife and I are wanting to look inside the LS a bit, get our toes wet, and have had same room sex, no swap, which was amazing for everyone. I don't think she is interested simply to please me. She has always been a bit of an exhibitionist. However, I do think I am stretching her comfort zone, which isn't a bad thing, if done properly. I am not as afraid of the LS as she is, and we have seen several friends have issues r/t the lifestyle, or possibly their problems just became more pronounced after introducing one more volatile aspect into their relationship. I know if not done properly, or with the proper attitude, it might prove disastrous for our marriage, which would certainly not be worth it. We are deeply in love and have a great marriage. We have put an ad on here for same room only, no swap and have had a great response. However, she recently told me we can't find same room, no swap couples locally as she thinks it will lead to cheating between the couples (something that did happen to our friends). So a few questions. 1) What is everyone's experience with local couples getting too familiar with each other and ending up cheating?
2) If high, does it seem logical to only "play" when out of town, or with visitors?
3) Can you rate as a percentage, from your own friends and experiences in the lifestyle, what percentage of people have had issues related to swinging
4) We are strong people, but how much pressure will be thrown at us to do more than what we are comfortable with? Same room, no swap.
5) Any general thoughts?
I know it is hard to Quantify those responses, but do what you can, or answer any way that makes sense to you. Thanks for much for your time.
By way of context, we are another same-room ONLY couple... I actually don't see that changing.. ever. The reason is because this is something we do TOGETHER. Once you start adding separate rooms, hall-passes, etc, and then it's just an open-marriage, which is not something we want. (Although I certainly respect that other couples have their own reasons for this, it's not for us).
We have a rule that we don't flirt, text, or really communicate with other couples unless it's done together as well. (In other words, if we're texting, it's a group-text). Other couples, in general, have been super respectful of this.. And anyone who broke that rule would be an instant ticket for no future contact from us. Again, we play TOGETHER, and that includes flirting and communicating.. we do it TOGETHER. This really helps keep things out in the open for us.
You shouldn't get any pressure from others to do more than you're comfortable with. In fact, one of the first things a couple should be asking you when they meet you is: "What are your rules?". If they don't ask this question, I'd be cautious of them. When they DO ask the question, TELL THEM YOUR RULES and be very specific. (You and your husband/wife should have already agreed on these rules in advance. The more specific your rules are, the better). Other couples have been ENORMOUSLY respectful of our rules (and at first, they are pretty restrictive.. we've since loosened up). But we've NEVER had a problem where a couple tried to get us to do something that was against our rules.
By the way, we think same room, no swap is TONS of fun... It might be our favorite thing to do, quite frankly, because it's guaranteed to be drama free, but still tons of fun!
We have a rule that we don't flirt, text, or really communicate with other couples unless it's done together as well. (In other words, if we're texting, it's a group-text). Other couples, in general, have been super respectful of this.. And anyone who broke that rule would be an instant ticket for no future contact from us. Again, we play TOGETHER, and that includes flirting and communicating.. we do it TOGETHER. This really helps keep things out in the open for us.
You shouldn't get any pressure from others to do more than you're comfortable with. In fact, one of the first things a couple should be asking you when they meet you is: "What are your rules?". If they don't ask this question, I'd be cautious of them. When they DO ask the question, TELL THEM YOUR RULES and be very specific. (You and your husband/wife should have already agreed on these rules in advance. The more specific your rules are, the better). Other couples have been ENORMOUSLY respectful of our rules (and at first, they are pretty restrictive.. we've since loosened up). But we've NEVER had a problem where a couple tried to get us to do something that was against our rules.
By the way, we think same room, no swap is TONS of fun... It might be our favorite thing to do, quite frankly, because it's guaranteed to be drama free, but still tons of fun!
1: It happens. "Successful" swinging, without damaging the primary relationship, requires a real, honest, ability to separate sex itself from a traditional love relationship, and an ability to let go of the traditional "you belong to me and only me" attitude as far as just sex is concerned, and an ability to not worry about losing your partner just because he or she has sex with others. If either partner is likely to worry about losing the other, or if either is likely to need, or develop, a traditional love thing with anyone he/she plays with, there will be some big problems. If both can truly see sex as just another enjoyable physical activity, which can be shared with friends, then there probably won't be problems. And as long as you stay a same room only, primary partner only (no swap whatsoever) couple, it shouldn't even be an issue.
2&3: See #1.
4: There shouldn't be ANY pressure. Before playing, be clear about what your limits are. Discuss likes, dislikes, desires and limits among all participants beforehand. Agree on those limits. If there isn't any agreement, there shouldn't be any play. BE HONEST. Don't agree to something that makes you uncomfortable. Be clear that if anyone wants to expand the limits later, it's something to be discussed after, not during the play. And if anyone tries to push past the agreed upon limits, walk away. They don't respect you enough for you to be wasting your time with them. ~ Terry
2&3: See #1.
4: There shouldn't be ANY pressure. Before playing, be clear about what your limits are. Discuss likes, dislikes, desires and limits among all participants beforehand. Agree on those limits. If there isn't any agreement, there shouldn't be any play. BE HONEST. Don't agree to something that makes you uncomfortable. Be clear that if anyone wants to expand the limits later, it's something to be discussed after, not during the play. And if anyone tries to push past the agreed upon limits, walk away. They don't respect you enough for you to be wasting your time with them. ~ Terry
1) It happens.
2) Some people do only play out of town for that reason and also to preclude meeting someone they know.
3) At least 50% probably more.
4) You will get pressure from some people to go beyond your limits/comfort zone. It's a big red flag for us when someone pressures us to do something we're not comfortable with.
5) Go at your own pace. Don't let anyone tell you you're not swinging the right way (i.e. the way THEY do). Swing HOW you want with WHO you want and don't do anything you're not comfortable with.
2) Some people do only play out of town for that reason and also to preclude meeting someone they know.
3) At least 50% probably more.
4) You will get pressure from some people to go beyond your limits/comfort zone. It's a big red flag for us when someone pressures us to do something we're not comfortable with.
5) Go at your own pace. Don't let anyone tell you you're not swinging the right way (i.e. the way THEY do). Swing HOW you want with WHO you want and don't do anything you're not comfortable with.
While you obviously have put a lot of thought into these questions the only good answer is to do what is right and comfortable for you and your partner. We don't take any of the lifestyle to seriously and we enjoy ourselves. One of reasons we are at that comfort level is because we love each other and trust one another otherwise we would not do this.
While you obviously have put a lot of thought into these questions the only good answer is to do what is right and comfortable for you and your partner. We don't take any of the lifestyle to seriously and we enjoy ourselves. One of reasons we are at that comfort level is because we love each other and trust one another otherwise we would not do this.
The only way this lifestyle works long term is to OVER communicate the hell out of the situation. With partners, with each other and inside your head. If you are very unsure, I recommend avoiding the booze or other "enhancers" so that in retrospect, you don't believe you were coerced. As the more timid partner, your wife calls the shots as far as comfort level, but you need to be in tune enough to know when she's reached a boundary and in control enough to halt an encounter. Trust is an experiential thing- and it's much easier to trust her than people you meet on here- it's normal.... Let people earn your trust as slowly as your relationship requires.
Our experience is that the women make the rules when it comes to swinging, not the guys.The guys are the captains of the cruise ships,so to speak,thus 90% of the surfers on this site will be the male half.If the female is not feeling it then there will be no play involved no matter how hot the other half is or how much she wants you.Its just the way it is.If she is only comfortable with same room play that's all you are gonna get. There is nothing wrong with same room only if that's what you are into and you make that very clear in your profile so you gotta respect that. Anything different then you are setting yourself up for trouble.
Thanks for all of the replies. Great advice so far. So it definitely sounds like I really need to communicate my wants, as does she, while not pushing each other into an uncomfortable situation. I have had a few emails from people who read this and some of you want to meet, locally. Maybe it would be good for her to have lunch or coffee with some of you, without the plan to make it go further, just so she can meet a real couple and see that their goal isn't to cheat with us or ruin our marriage. That said, I also need to watch our backs, keep our marriage a priority, communicate incessantly, and monitor each and every step to make sure she and I are taking the journey together, and enjoying it together as a loving couple. I agree, cheating is cheating. It doesn't change in this circumstance. Thanks for all of your advice. Maybe I will keep you updated. Maybe not. Either way, I can't wait to see what the next door opens.
Maybe it would be good for her to have lunch or coffee with some of you, without the plan to make it go further, just so she can meet a real couple and see that their goal isn't to cheat with us or ruin our marriage. That said, I also need to watch our backs, keep our marriage a priority, communicate incessantly, and monitor each and every step to make sure she and I are taking the journey together, and enjoying it together as a loving couple. I agree, cheating is cheating. It doesn't change in this circumstance. Thanks for all of your advice. Maybe I will keep you updated. Maybe not. Either way, I can't wait to see what the next door opens.Boy, am I dumb. I forgot two important things, one of which Evil mentioned. First, if you only want to do same room, and whether you want to play with you and another couple all playing together, or just everyone playing only with his/her own partner, don't let anyone tell you that isn't swinging. You're sharing a sexual experience with other people, even if it's "only" at the voyeur/exhibitionist level. And swinging is doing sexual things with others. There's no rule book that says what those things have to be. It doesn't require that there be physical contact with those others.
And never, ever, commit to playing with anyone you haven't met. Whether you're looking for some special sexual spark, or just people who you think are nice folks and can be trusted, you can't make any kind of real determination over the phone or by emails, texts, or chat.
If you're communicating and everyone shows interest, set up a meeting for coffee, lunch, whatever. Make it clear that there is no commitment before that meeting to go do anything afterwards. It's just a "let's meet and see how we all feel about things". And it should be someplace public, not a dinner invitation to your home. Some people will even set up a meeting with someone they meet at a party or event, in order to get an idea what someone is really like away from that kind of atmosphere. ~ Terry
And never, ever, commit to playing with anyone you haven't met. Whether you're looking for some special sexual spark, or just people who you think are nice folks and can be trusted, you can't make any kind of real determination over the phone or by emails, texts, or chat.
If you're communicating and everyone shows interest, set up a meeting for coffee, lunch, whatever. Make it clear that there is no commitment before that meeting to go do anything afterwards. It's just a "let's meet and see how we all feel about things". And it should be someplace public, not a dinner invitation to your home. Some people will even set up a meeting with someone they meet at a party or event, in order to get an idea what someone is really like away from that kind of atmosphere. ~ Terry