I posted this at a Polyamory discussion group and thought, what the hell, I'll cut and past it here and see what becomes of it...
I currently have no subjective experience with polyamory. I have had a decent amount of exposure to the swinging scene. I had a lot of good experiences there, but as a single guy, I was mostly treated as a possible sex toy to augment a couple's sex life. Single women were virtually non-existent. They are nick-named unicorns in that scene because they may as well be a mythical creature. Those that were around literally had hundreds of solicitations to sort through.
I enjoyed the scene, but it was impossible to find a lady to accompany me to any events--in a platonic capacity or otherwise. As a single guy, I was treated like vermin until I proved myself to be otherwise. Even then, I was simply one of a hundred others. It was very disheartening. Monogamy has never worked for me. I've always resented being expected to deny feelings and desires for more than one person, and the only forum that I knew of that (at least in a sexual capacity) embraced intimacy with more than one person, pretty much discriminated against me because I was a single guy. Ultimately, the only options there for a single guy were to "capture" a mythical unicorn, be a sex toy for a couple, or convert a vanilla lady to subscribing to the scene. All of the above required a ridiculous amount of effort.
So far, my initial inquiry into polyamory has been quite different. I've only had a few online interactions, reconnected with a lady friend that's been involved with the scene for a while, and successfully encouraged a friend who is also curious about polyamory to get involved with the group. It seems to be a much more welcoming environment.
While I'm convinced the ladies still have a huge advantage in this scene. I think it's workable for a guy. I'm just curious what kind of experiences other men have had. What kind of "stigma/preconceptions" do people in this community have of single guys? What advice would you have for anybody new to polyamory? For single guys specifically?
Regardless of the melancholy tone of this post. I'm very curious and drawn to this scene. I had hoped to attend Pride this weekend and meet a lot of you but it seems life has intervened. I do plan on making it to any community events I can! Feel free to message me. I think there are a lot of like minded people here.
I currently have no subjective experience with polyamory. I have had a decent amount of exposure to the swinging scene. I had a lot of good experiences there, but as a single guy, I was mostly treated as a possible sex toy to augment a couple's sex life. Single women were virtually non-existent. They are nick-named unicorns in that scene because they may as well be a mythical creature. Those that were around literally had hundreds of solicitations to sort through.
I enjoyed the scene, but it was impossible to find a lady to accompany me to any events--in a platonic capacity or otherwise. As a single guy, I was treated like vermin until I proved myself to be otherwise. Even then, I was simply one of a hundred others. It was very disheartening. Monogamy has never worked for me. I've always resented being expected to deny feelings and desires for more than one person, and the only forum that I knew of that (at least in a sexual capacity) embraced intimacy with more than one person, pretty much discriminated against me because I was a single guy. Ultimately, the only options there for a single guy were to "capture" a mythical unicorn, be a sex toy for a couple, or convert a vanilla lady to subscribing to the scene. All of the above required a ridiculous amount of effort.
So far, my initial inquiry into polyamory has been quite different. I've only had a few online interactions, reconnected with a lady friend that's been involved with the scene for a while, and successfully encouraged a friend who is also curious about polyamory to get involved with the group. It seems to be a much more welcoming environment.
While I'm convinced the ladies still have a huge advantage in this scene. I think it's workable for a guy. I'm just curious what kind of experiences other men have had. What kind of "stigma/preconceptions" do people in this community have of single guys? What advice would you have for anybody new to polyamory? For single guys specifically?
Regardless of the melancholy tone of this post. I'm very curious and drawn to this scene. I had hoped to attend Pride this weekend and meet a lot of you but it seems life has intervened. I do plan on making it to any community events I can! Feel free to message me. I think there are a lot of like minded people here.
Interesting approach. Question. Are you sincerely interested in poly or are you just testing the waters, so to speak, because you perceive it to be easier entry for a single male than swinging? My, admittedly limited, experience with the poly community is that they don't really look all that kindly upon swinging in general. They are about committed relationships between 3 or more individuals and many eschew casual sexual hookups much like the vanilla world does. Of course there are always exceptions.
And FWIW, I absolutely think that "converting" a vanilla lady to swinging is by far the easiest path to becoming a swinging couple. Most single guys we've met, however, seem to put the cart before the horse in that they make willingness to swing the bigger priority in selecting a partner rather than finding a wonderful compatible woman that you want to share your life with. I think MANY vanilla women would be more than willing to explore swinging with the right guy...a guy who puts the woman and the relationship ahead of the desire to go out and fuck other people. I also think that the women who succeed in swinging and feel the most comfortable in the lifestyle are the ones who feel safe and secure with their partner and with their primary relationship. I don't know you but you saying that "monogamy has never worked for (you)" might be a sign that you need to work on relationship skills and more importantly finding the right person to go through life with rather than focusing on finding someone who is willing to swing with you. JMO
And FWIW, I absolutely think that "converting" a vanilla lady to swinging is by far the easiest path to becoming a swinging couple. Most single guys we've met, however, seem to put the cart before the horse in that they make willingness to swing the bigger priority in selecting a partner rather than finding a wonderful compatible woman that you want to share your life with. I think MANY vanilla women would be more than willing to explore swinging with the right guy...a guy who puts the woman and the relationship ahead of the desire to go out and fuck other people. I also think that the women who succeed in swinging and feel the most comfortable in the lifestyle are the ones who feel safe and secure with their partner and with their primary relationship. I don't know you but you saying that "monogamy has never worked for (you)" might be a sign that you need to work on relationship skills and more importantly finding the right person to go through life with rather than focusing on finding someone who is willing to swing with you. JMO
Wow! Crickets....I hear crickets.... both here and the original forum that I posted in. Kudos to Evildoers for actually venturing a response.
Honestly, at this point, I'd much rather venture into the poly community. I've toyed around with the swinging community for, honest to god, 18 years. That's right. My first profile on adultfriendfinder was posted back when I was 18.
I've introduced several "vanilla" ladies to swinging with various levels of success. In the end, they've always felt like I was being sleazy and using them. I suppose the expectations of society to accept monogamy as the norm was always too much overcome for them.
I've had a few interactions with unicorns. I found those the most interesting. They are liberated creatures. Living every man's dream. One of which, back when there were blackberries, kept a category in her phone called, "toy box", it contained over 100 guys. Most entries had pictures accompanying them, a brief description of their "specialty" and various notes. I only ever made it passed the second "interview" lol. To this day, my hat's off to that lady--she's still active here btw...
Couples are fun. I've had ongoing relationships with a few. I'm strait, so it makes things a bit more difficult, but for the right couple, a single guy who gets the boundaries that need to be present is a perfect supplement to their sex life. Perhaps an actual boyfriend for her, but it's rare, and it's hard to maintain.
No, at this point, I'd much rather have meaningful relationships. Over the years, I've learned ways and means of organizing meaningless encounters. They are simply masturbation with the help of another. I don't discount them. I still find them enjoyable, but they are far more trouble than they are worth for a single guy.
Honestly, at this point, I'd much rather venture into the poly community. I've toyed around with the swinging community for, honest to god, 18 years. That's right. My first profile on adultfriendfinder was posted back when I was 18.
I've introduced several "vanilla" ladies to swinging with various levels of success. In the end, they've always felt like I was being sleazy and using them. I suppose the expectations of society to accept monogamy as the norm was always too much overcome for them.
I've had a few interactions with unicorns. I found those the most interesting. They are liberated creatures. Living every man's dream. One of which, back when there were blackberries, kept a category in her phone called, "toy box", it contained over 100 guys. Most entries had pictures accompanying them, a brief description of their "specialty" and various notes. I only ever made it passed the second "interview" lol. To this day, my hat's off to that lady--she's still active here btw...
Couples are fun. I've had ongoing relationships with a few. I'm strait, so it makes things a bit more difficult, but for the right couple, a single guy who gets the boundaries that need to be present is a perfect supplement to their sex life. Perhaps an actual boyfriend for her, but it's rare, and it's hard to maintain.
No, at this point, I'd much rather have meaningful relationships. Over the years, I've learned ways and means of organizing meaningless encounters. They are simply masturbation with the help of another. I don't discount them. I still find them enjoyable, but they are far more trouble than they are worth for a single guy.
Well we've been doing this almost THIRTY years and have seen just about every permutation of swinging and polyamory. Sadly those who succeed in either in the long run are few. I think we counted a few months ago and we were up near 30 or 40 couples that we've known over the years who are now divorced. And from what we've seen in poly (even dabbled in it a tiny bit ourselves with almost disastrous results) it's even trickier than swinging. Start throwing emotions and "love" into the equation and the potential for drama, or much worse, skyrockets. I'm still betting that those in the true poly community are going to greet you with mistrust at best. But good luck.
Evildoers--your honesty is refreshing. We should be friends...
So was there a swinger booth at pride? Missed it doe to our little trip, and just checking in as it's 10:23 here.
We went to Pride today. There was no swinger booth. But the polyamory booth was there. Somebody should do a swinger booth next year.
I nominate Menage to organize and man the swinger booth not only at the Pride Festival but also the Utah State Fair. Doesn't need to be anything fancy. Just some pamphlets, a basket of free condoms and some pithy posters with hilarious swinging bloopers on them. You can also sell stuff like black rings, pineapples and those cute little butt plugs that have the curly pig tail on the external end. Also I think it would be a great idea if you could have a demonstration area where you could show people how to swing. 
One thing: I got into a polyamorous relationship with a couple from on here. It eventually ended, and when it ended, it ended so weirdly that it threw me for a loop. Very few people even knew the relationship ever existed, so there was almost nobody to talk to about it. And one of the people I tried to talk to said "You're a single male, get over it."
If you can tell your friends about it and they'll be open to the idea, then I think that will make polyamory ok to deal with. If it's a concept you can't share with your vanilla friends, then it will be that much harder to deal with all the normal relationship aches and pains.
If you can tell your friends about it and they'll be open to the idea, then I think that will make polyamory ok to deal with. If it's a concept you can't share with your vanilla friends, then it will be that much harder to deal with all the normal relationship aches and pains.
I have been involved in 2 different poly relationships. It's fun and feels natural. I even told my parents about it and they were supportive.we would go out as a couple together and did things together outside of the bedroom. Always remained friends and explored sexuality. Even our friends new and were accepting. So what I'm saying is that you have to be honest with yourself and be who you are.. If you are to have others accept you and your relationships. So when relations end you will always have someone to talk to and be understanding. That's what being poly is to me. A love of self and others. Sounds cliche but its the truth. Love is love