We have both Swinger and non-swinger friends. We have found a few "swinger" friends that we would be "friends" with if we were not in the lifestyle. We have tried to invite these friends to parties that we have SPECIFICALLY specified as "VANILLA". Almost every time we have had our "swinger" friends cross boundaries which makes our "non-swinger" friends (who have non idea about our "lifestyle") go "WTF?!?!?!?!?!?". It has happened numerous times so it's no one in particular. Has ANYONE has success in blending swingers into their vanilla lifestyle? Just askin......
Hello AC,
I myself would consider it disrespectful for your Swinger friends to (out) you to your Vanilla friends. If it is as you say totally clear to them that your Vanilla friends have no idea of your private actions. Mixing the two is probably a bold move that I wouldn
I myself would consider it disrespectful for your Swinger friends to (out) you to your Vanilla friends. If it is as you say totally clear to them that your Vanilla friends have no idea of your private actions. Mixing the two is probably a bold move that I wouldn
This seems a bit more "adventurous" than I would likely try. There are just such different standards ... comparing swingers and vanilla friends. Recipe for possible embarrassment, trouble ... or whatever, if you ask me.
Quick and simple advice: Err on the side of caution.
You have NO control over the actions of others, no matter how clear the instructions may be.
No harm can come from your swinger friends knowing you have vanilla friends, but the opposite holds too much potential for disaster.
Oil and water don't mix - so don't try.
You have NO control over the actions of others, no matter how clear the instructions may be.
No harm can come from your swinger friends knowing you have vanilla friends, but the opposite holds too much potential for disaster.
Oil and water don't mix - so don't try.
We're great at vanilla parties and most of the friends we've made in the lifestyle are as well. We've had some lifestyle friends invited to our vanilla get-togethers. It was all good.
Still, as noted in other posts, you're taking a risk when you try to blend your different lives together. Would that the world were more accepting of us as we are! That said, we tend to cultivate friends and relationships within the lifestyle so as to attract the kinds of people that we know would make the transition to our vanilla events gracefully. We only wish we had more time to enjoy their company in both settings!
R
Still, as noted in other posts, you're taking a risk when you try to blend your different lives together. Would that the world were more accepting of us as we are! That said, we tend to cultivate friends and relationships within the lifestyle so as to attract the kinds of people that we know would make the transition to our vanilla events gracefully. We only wish we had more time to enjoy their company in both settings!
R
Ah, good topic AC! We're happy to have met many people here that we now consider good close friends that we don't have to hide from when we see them at the mall while we're out with our kids. LoL! It's nice to find those who can be vanilla because our whole life isn't about swinging. So, yes, we have had success in blending swingers into our vanilla lifestyle and we hope to find more
Joe & Debbi
Joe & Debbi
I would say the only Caveat here is is the drugs...or alcohol/toddy, as most like to call it. It would seem there are a few who have two, too many, and voila you have someone who loses their composure. Let us know how it goes....
There are couples we know in the lifestyle that we would not even consider inviting to a vanilla gathering (even thought we love hanging out with them in the lifestyle. Very true, you can never tell what some people's judgement will be when they have had a few cocktails. Ideally, we would rather not hide our swinger friends from our normal lifestyle - we would prefer more of a blend. I can, however see how some would want to keep both sides very separate with no overlap.
AC- I assume we would have seen what you are talking about if we had shown up last weekend to your party! Sounds as though you had some drama! I hope all is well!
I hope all is well! SLCJEEPER wrote:guess we've been lucky too! We've found a number of friends who we are able to see in a "vanilla" setting, as well....and never had to worry about any "beans" gettin' spilled...
Ah, good topic AC! We're happy to have met many people here that we now consider good close friends that we don't have to hide from when we see them at the mall while we're out with our kids. LoL! It's nice to find those who can be vanilla because our whole life isn't about swinging. So, yes, we have had success in blending swingers into our vanilla lifestyle and we hope to find more
Joe & Debbi
As every profile says..."discreation is a must........"
We have had a lot of luck blending vanilla and lifestyle friends into a vanilla swirl. We are selective about the lifestyle friends we invite to our home for lifestyle parties. If we can't trust them to behave "vanilla" we wouldn't invite them to a swirl event. And many of our vanilla friends LOVE our lifestyle friends because they can behave more sexually than most places they are involved in. We have some swirl parties with both vanilla and lifestyle but we call the vanillas "swinger friendly." They would not be invited if they couldn't handle the blatant sexuality at our parties.
A sexually oriented party and a family friendly party are totally different things. We have lifestyle friends who come to our kid's b-day parties with their kids and have joined out scout troop. It's all about communication. In advance we all agree to behave vanilla and not out each other. Not everything in our lives if swinging oriented. An that's okay. (Although I prefer the sex filled lifestyle days!!)
the F.Q.
A sexually oriented party and a family friendly party are totally different things. We have lifestyle friends who come to our kid's b-day parties with their kids and have joined out scout troop. It's all about communication. In advance we all agree to behave vanilla and not out each other. Not everything in our lives if swinging oriented. An that's okay. (Although I prefer the sex filled lifestyle days!!)
the F.Q.
To big of a risk with vanilla friends, we could easily make a mistake talking to our swinger friends and vanilla hearing. Besides you don't act or have the same kind of friendship on either side, like mixing oil and watter, both have a purpose but don't work together.
We've tried combining our lifestyle friends with our vanilla friends. It was a BIG mess. Ever seen the movie The Human Centipede? Well our's didn't turn out quite that well. We're going to try it more like cojoined twins next time rather than end to end.
Meh. My whole world knows I have both LS friends and vanilla friends. The only people who don't know are my younger kids and quite frankly anyone who tried to make look like anything but mom to them would be in a world of hurt no matter what their intention was. As to combining them....I normally don't, for the simple reason it's kinda of difficult for me to be naked in front of people who don't see me as a sexual being. For instance, I took a good family friend who is male, single, in his 30s, to a swinger house party cuz he expressed curiosity and I knew that I could totally trust him to be respectful (read too shy LOL) and not make an ass of himself. I was very up front with our hosts of who he was and why I brought him and they were in turn very welcoming and made sure to include him in conversation and see he was doing ok. Fast forward a few hours....later in the night when 1/2 of the guests had left, I'm on the couch with this OMG HOTTIE going at it, both the top of my dress and the bottom of my dress were wrapped around my waist and um....while I was in the throws of multiple orgasms, my friend was actually watching. It was a bit awkward afterwards, when the dress was put back on, the breathing returned to normal, and I looked up and there he was.....Since then, our dynamic as friends is different. He's more flirty with me one on one but has no desire to really trying the LS out any longer, and for some reason is no longer willing to listen to me discuss any type of date/relationship/hook up I have like he did before.
You win some, you lose some. I'm not really convinced it's worth combining the two.
You win some, you lose some. I'm not really convinced it's worth combining the two.
I think this question highly relates to how vanilla your vanilla friends are, your relative ages, and professions, religious standing and children ages as well as where extended family are located. Some of you couples vanilla friends might be more wild than some of the LS friends we know! I say this as as the trailing edge of the baby boomers we think the values of most of our age are quite different than 20 somethings of today. IT all depends on what you do for a living. If your a farmer or a truck driver how is your income level going to be effected as much as say someone who owns a business with thousands of customers who all have choices of using you or not. dont forget this is Utah land of the mass email chains connected to the prim and proper cloud. Children or not is a big factor.
I dont think we will ever do this for the one reason that last month I choose to tell a fishing/jeeping buddy of mine while we were on a 10 day mancation doing the Rubicon and fly fishing the West. He used to live in Utah and then Florida and now near San Fran. He is married to a hottie and they are 40. I wanted him to know this has been a great path for us in regards to happiness, relationship and sex lives and that they should consider going to Desires before they get much older. Maybe they should not wait till they are late 40's like we did? I tried to bring it up a couple different times and he kept changing the subject and acting all shocked. I was quite shocked by his actions and I dont think it was good for our relationship. He was the first vanilla friend that I have told. The reason I told him he is a remote friend of mine and not the wifes. We only do stuff every few years like deep sea fishing in Florida, the last night time space shuttle launch, and our fly fishing trips. The women have never really done anything together .
I dont think we will ever do this for the one reason that last month I choose to tell a fishing/jeeping buddy of mine while we were on a 10 day mancation doing the Rubicon and fly fishing the West. He used to live in Utah and then Florida and now near San Fran. He is married to a hottie and they are 40. I wanted him to know this has been a great path for us in regards to happiness, relationship and sex lives and that they should consider going to Desires before they get much older. Maybe they should not wait till they are late 40's like we did? I tried to bring it up a couple different times and he kept changing the subject and acting all shocked. I was quite shocked by his actions and I dont think it was good for our relationship. He was the first vanilla friend that I have told. The reason I told him he is a remote friend of mine and not the wifes. We only do stuff every few years like deep sea fishing in Florida, the last night time space shuttle launch, and our fly fishing trips. The women have never really done anything together .
Maybe it is just us, but even our vanilla friends have some swirl about them.
I am somewhat of a flirt, and everyone who knows us knows we are just casual and roll with the party. We know gay, straight, religious, alcoholic, professional, old, young and even swinger people; every one in our life knows we are pretty laid back liberals with a variety of friends from all walks of life, but only a handful know we are getting laid, hahah. Our kids are our only black/white area, and even they know we very liberal, party and know tonz of people, they just do not know the details of friendships.
Regardless, of your situation if you ask someone to respect your wishes they should, and if they don't then delete/uninvited what ever is appropriate. Think of it this way, if they can't respect you during a party then good hell your gonna be screwed with the big stuff.
Just our opinion, R&B
On a side note, funny vanilla/swinger story.
I had only met my husbands boss two or three times on a more personal level at bbq's and other semi company things, and one day out of the blue he asked me to get his keys out of his pocket. I thought ok weird, but his hands are full so whatever. I very vanilla like reach into the mans pocket (for the keys) and WTF the pocket was cut out, and I got a handful of... Yes, you heard me right, he had cut the pocket out of his pants and avoided underwear that day so that he could 'accidentally' check our vanilla level (bosses???). It was freaking hilarious once I moved beyond the shock. My point is that you never ever know who is more or less vanilla than you. I would have never imagined he lived anything but a very religious professional life. We have never done anything other than the missing pocket grab, but we do have a special bond, and we know why the other has a twinkle in their eye.
Ohhh and the conversations have been intriguing.
Respect is something that can be shown different to alot of people, but if it were us in your situation I think I would have pulled them aside and reminded them that they were in our home and should save the fiascoes for after the party or head out.
I am somewhat of a flirt, and everyone who knows us knows we are just casual and roll with the party. We know gay, straight, religious, alcoholic, professional, old, young and even swinger people; every one in our life knows we are pretty laid back liberals with a variety of friends from all walks of life, but only a handful know we are getting laid, hahah. Our kids are our only black/white area, and even they know we very liberal, party and know tonz of people, they just do not know the details of friendships.
Regardless, of your situation if you ask someone to respect your wishes they should, and if they don't then delete/uninvited what ever is appropriate. Think of it this way, if they can't respect you during a party then good hell your gonna be screwed with the big stuff.
Just our opinion, R&B
On a side note, funny vanilla/swinger story.
I had only met my husbands boss two or three times on a more personal level at bbq's and other semi company things, and one day out of the blue he asked me to get his keys out of his pocket. I thought ok weird, but his hands are full so whatever. I very vanilla like reach into the mans pocket (for the keys) and WTF the pocket was cut out, and I got a handful of... Yes, you heard me right, he had cut the pocket out of his pants and avoided underwear that day so that he could 'accidentally' check our vanilla level (bosses???). It was freaking hilarious once I moved beyond the shock. My point is that you never ever know who is more or less vanilla than you. I would have never imagined he lived anything but a very religious professional life. We have never done anything other than the missing pocket grab, but we do have a special bond, and we know why the other has a twinkle in their eye.
Ohhh and the conversations have been intriguing. Respect is something that can be shown different to alot of people, but if it were us in your situation I think I would have pulled them aside and reminded them that they were in our home and should save the fiascoes for after the party or head out.
Cache Valley.. great story..
The concern level may have something to do with where you are at in life professionally. I feel that an older couple may understand more than a young professional couple what the consequences could be? Also the longer we have been exploring this idea and still only soft sexy things the more we think it is normal. But in revealing this to my buddy a few weeks ago I am reminded how utterly crazy this idea sounds to vanilla folks. And I was telling him about clothing optional resorts, sexy parties, same room sex romps not wife swapping and he was aghast. He is an engineer at a top web company. Not sure if he is religious or not??
The concern level may have something to do with where you are at in life professionally. I feel that an older couple may understand more than a young professional couple what the consequences could be? Also the longer we have been exploring this idea and still only soft sexy things the more we think it is normal. But in revealing this to my buddy a few weeks ago I am reminded how utterly crazy this idea sounds to vanilla folks. And I was telling him about clothing optional resorts, sexy parties, same room sex romps not wife swapping and he was aghast. He is an engineer at a top web company. Not sure if he is religious or not??
Maybemor, you are soooo right- perception is reality.
I am a student/financial manager who is 34, honestly I have the opinion love me or hate me, I am gonna be me. I do respect others wishes and try to be courteous of everyone's comfort level, but the same friends show me the same respect when the role is reversed. Example: I go to a bbq at a friends house, they dont drink so neither do I, but if they come to a bbq at our house they know we drink so I dont feel obligated to not be myself.
Don't get me wrong only a few know the workings of our LS, but only one has had a omg response. She has been having an affair on her husband for about three years, and he has been cheating on her for about two. I thought hmmmm I have the solution for them, however, they are happy having affairs. Their situation seems absolutely crazy to me, but it helps them (I guess) and its their party so ok (they are also business owners, with children, and religious-at least on the outside).
Now my husband owns a business and also works in a very respectable profession in the valley. I know it is more concerning for him then I. So I agree that a persons age (he is 49), background (use to be very religious), professional appearance (business owner and respected) and community views play a major factor in the openness of their LS.
I still don't think all vanilla people are really all vanilla, some just need the hmmm response and they will inquire, or step back. That's how I decide if I should say anything more or not. Not to mention really short of being interested, or good friends there is no reason for me to say anything. However, with him being your good friend I would almost think he might have been more like 'wow, I would not have guessed that, but ok cool'. In the end I think age and surroundings are probably the two biggest factors. Ether way hope you and he still have amazing fishing trips, you'll just have to talk about the weather.
I am a student/financial manager who is 34, honestly I have the opinion love me or hate me, I am gonna be me. I do respect others wishes and try to be courteous of everyone's comfort level, but the same friends show me the same respect when the role is reversed. Example: I go to a bbq at a friends house, they dont drink so neither do I, but if they come to a bbq at our house they know we drink so I dont feel obligated to not be myself.
Don't get me wrong only a few know the workings of our LS, but only one has had a omg response. She has been having an affair on her husband for about three years, and he has been cheating on her for about two. I thought hmmmm I have the solution for them, however, they are happy having affairs. Their situation seems absolutely crazy to me, but it helps them (I guess) and its their party so ok (they are also business owners, with children, and religious-at least on the outside).
Now my husband owns a business and also works in a very respectable profession in the valley. I know it is more concerning for him then I. So I agree that a persons age (he is 49), background (use to be very religious), professional appearance (business owner and respected) and community views play a major factor in the openness of their LS.
I still don't think all vanilla people are really all vanilla, some just need the hmmm response and they will inquire, or step back. That's how I decide if I should say anything more or not. Not to mention really short of being interested, or good friends there is no reason for me to say anything. However, with him being your good friend I would almost think he might have been more like 'wow, I would not have guessed that, but ok cool'. In the end I think age and surroundings are probably the two biggest factors.
Ether way hope you and he still have amazing fishing trips, you'll just have to talk about the weather. Well MRs hotty and MRs Cache sound like two very open sexually minded happy laddies that the World needs more of.
After my out of state buddies reaction I dont think we will be telling any of our instate friends. Period.
After my out of state buddies reaction I dont think we will be telling any of our instate friends. Period.
Out of the 100 or so people at our wedding a few years ago, a little over a dozen were lifestylers. We seated them at separate tables for dinner. And even though they mostly didn't know each other at the start of the evening, somehow they were all sitting together by the end of the evening and having a great time and behaving too. Nobody was the wiser - there was some dirty dancing but then again, the vanillas were dirty dancing too.
KILTLOVERS wrote:
My husband says that lifestyle people have an ora about them... Not sure, but we do always seem to gravitate to one over another so maybe. Interesting to say the least.
My husband says that lifestyle people have an ora about them... Not sure, but we do always seem to gravitate to one over another so maybe. Interesting to say the least.
Tried it once - never again. Our vanilla friends thought they were being so daring by D. taking off her top & P. taking off his swim trunks. When one of the LS wives wanted to find out if P. was really as hard as he looked, D. went ballistic and ended the party. But seriously, if you had a hard one bouncing around in the hot tub - could you ignore it?
We found it to be not a good idea...It was Suz that got a bit too frisky once the alcohol started flowing so our friends aren't to blame...It was with a couple we sorta thought would be very understanding and found it to be not so...So from our experience its best not to mix
I think a lot of it is in how your structure your friendships and the type of friendships that you have. I know I'm in a different situation than a lot of people on here. I'm single and in college, and it could easily be argued that the hook-up culture of college is practically vanilla swirl anyway. But for me, the lifestyle is something that I choose to live because it is what I am comfortable with, and my vanilla friends are my friends because they are comfortable with me. I don't flaunt the fact that I live the lifestyle, but I don't hide it either and most people who know me know that I'm pretty sexual even if they don't know details. I feel that most of my friends would be comfortable in the presence of lifestylers at a social event, at least if they knew it was an event where no play was going to be happening.
That being said, except in a few cases I haven't really tested that theory. So who knows?
That being said, except in a few cases I haven't really tested that theory. So who knows?
I just love this site. Thank you for all the amazing words for thought
quote] you should just have us over.. we can act vanilla until the vanilla's leave.. [/quote]
That is how it is done.
We're actually surprised that your swinger friends are not more respectful if they know its a vanilla party.
[/quote]That is how it is done.
We're actually surprised that your swinger friends are not more respectful if they know its a vanilla party.
I love this topic! As for me, I wouldn't mind mind a swirl party. I feel that I could have respect and forethought enough to act normal. I think this though falls in line with what the Mrs worries about in "vanilla" life. She worries about that awkward moment when you are dealing with... lets say work issues and a person you have to deal with happens to be someone you've played with. This thought and this thought alone have really kept us from diving head first into the LS and instead, wading in slowly.
Knowing this though, I would have to echo what much of the people are already saying in you have to be choosy. We have "vanilla" friends that we don't like inviting over at the same time because they make each other uncomfortable. You know the type, ultra religious "non-judgy" super judgy types that you've been friends with your whole life and the normal people. You really don't want them mixing. But if you have a good friend that you know respects not only you but the other people enough to not throw beliefs (one way or the other) in anothers face, I think they can go well. Same goes for swirling parties I would guess. You would just have to choose the right ingredients to help make sure it goes well together.
Knowing this though, I would have to echo what much of the people are already saying in you have to be choosy. We have "vanilla" friends that we don't like inviting over at the same time because they make each other uncomfortable. You know the type, ultra religious "non-judgy" super judgy types that you've been friends with your whole life and the normal people. You really don't want them mixing. But if you have a good friend that you know respects not only you but the other people enough to not throw beliefs (one way or the other) in anothers face, I think they can go well. Same goes for swirling parties I would guess. You would just have to choose the right ingredients to help make sure it goes well together.