We all say it. "If you aren't interested or things aren't clicking just be honest and tell me! No Problem."
But have you ever done it? I have, twice. It was especially difficult because these were really great people that I had a nice time talking or hanging out with but for whatever reason it wasn't gonna work out. Each time both couples gave that same happy little phrase that we all put on our profiles so I worked up the courage and nicely explained that we weren't interested in playing.
You know what happened? It wasn't OK. In one instance the people had been talking to us as friends for over a month but then just disappeared. I can understand that, not everyone is here for friendships after all. But the other time I (Kayleigh) was called disrespectful. Disrespectful for saying "I'm sorry, I don't feel a connection here but I had a really great time hanging out with you tonight."
So tell me. Is that just something we say and assume it will never actually happen? Do we really meant it? Was this just a strange occurance?
But have you ever done it? I have, twice. It was especially difficult because these were really great people that I had a nice time talking or hanging out with but for whatever reason it wasn't gonna work out. Each time both couples gave that same happy little phrase that we all put on our profiles so I worked up the courage and nicely explained that we weren't interested in playing.
You know what happened? It wasn't OK. In one instance the people had been talking to us as friends for over a month but then just disappeared. I can understand that, not everyone is here for friendships after all. But the other time I (Kayleigh) was called disrespectful. Disrespectful for saying "I'm sorry, I don't feel a connection here but I had a really great time hanging out with you tonight."
So tell me. Is that just something we say and assume it will never actually happen? Do we really meant it? Was this just a strange occurance?
with people, we always have to be very polite, so in this case I would advice to let them know what really goes on here, and you should say to them.... Look...just go fuck your self. and see how they react to it.
they might look at you weird, but this answer always work well.
best of luck.
P.S. It is not your fault to be attractive but it is their's to be ugly. :-))
they might look at you weird, but this answer always work well.
best of luck.
P.S. It is not your fault to be attractive but it is their's to be ugly. :-))
I think honesty is the best policy.... speaking of honesty, I am new to all this and people aren responding to my messages or looking at my profile. I want to meet people- what am I doing wrong. advice please....
We are the type of couple that can tell if we want to play with you just by looking at your pictures. This however is only HALF of the equation. We like to ensure they have good communicative skills and make sure they are not assholes BEFORE ever meeting face to face. When we finally meet in person, we just "validate" everything.
We are NOT the type of couple to go out to a club, meet a couple and play with them that night. We have to get to know one another before the playing can happen. We are finding that a lot of people don't really have basic communication skills in life, let alone, this LS.
I guess we weed out those that we wouldn't feel comfortable with BEFORE the meet takes place. We want to ensure EVERYONE is happy and getting along before the play date. We have only ran into one situation where one memeber of the group used their "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. It wasn't a problem. We imediately stopped all playing, got dressed, sat down with the couple and had some cake, talked about things like adults and went home. ANYONE in a play date has the right to use their GOOJF card at anytime. Thing to remember though, once it's called, the playing STOPS! This is NOT negotiable with us. We feel NOBODY should be uncomfortable in anyway while playing. Yes, we all get nervous, anxiety and excited when playing with new couples, but this is a typical body defense and is normal.
The only problems we could imagine that would halt play (other than the above obvious) are bad hygiene, pushyness, no respect for each other's preferences or instant asshole...just add alcohol types.
Neither of us are "teases" and this is definitely a LS where those types could be confusing to say the least. We don't lead anyone on in anyway and are 110% honest with them. It's rather simple, either you want to fuck them or you don't. It's not rocket science. Some people make it out to be that way. We all have our likes/dislikes and if you're not mature enough to accept that fact, then you shouldn't be in the lifestyle. We always treat people how we want to be treated, with respect and kindness. If they are assholes, we refuse to stoop to their level and they soon become extinct. Plenty more couples in the sea to choose from.
Bottom line, don't ever feel "uncomfortable" in a play date. If you are, it is a RED FLAG trying to tell you something. End of play, end of story.
We are NOT the type of couple to go out to a club, meet a couple and play with them that night. We have to get to know one another before the playing can happen. We are finding that a lot of people don't really have basic communication skills in life, let alone, this LS.
I guess we weed out those that we wouldn't feel comfortable with BEFORE the meet takes place. We want to ensure EVERYONE is happy and getting along before the play date. We have only ran into one situation where one memeber of the group used their "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. It wasn't a problem. We imediately stopped all playing, got dressed, sat down with the couple and had some cake, talked about things like adults and went home. ANYONE in a play date has the right to use their GOOJF card at anytime. Thing to remember though, once it's called, the playing STOPS! This is NOT negotiable with us. We feel NOBODY should be uncomfortable in anyway while playing. Yes, we all get nervous, anxiety and excited when playing with new couples, but this is a typical body defense and is normal.The only problems we could imagine that would halt play (other than the above obvious) are bad hygiene, pushyness, no respect for each other's preferences or instant asshole...just add alcohol types.
Neither of us are "teases" and this is definitely a LS where those types could be confusing to say the least. We don't lead anyone on in anyway and are 110% honest with them. It's rather simple, either you want to fuck them or you don't. It's not rocket science. Some people make it out to be that way. We all have our likes/dislikes and if you're not mature enough to accept that fact, then you shouldn't be in the lifestyle. We always treat people how we want to be treated, with respect and kindness. If they are assholes, we refuse to stoop to their level and they soon become extinct. Plenty more couples in the sea to choose from.
Bottom line, don't ever feel "uncomfortable" in a play date. If you are, it is a RED FLAG trying to tell you something. End of play, end of story.
Always honest. We're not always interested in everybody. We don't expect everybody to be interested in us. No hard feelings either way.
From Lifestyle Etiquette
STANDARDS
Everyone has their own standards and preferences. That is what makes a diverse lifestyle so wonderful. There is someone for everyone. We have seen scenarios, though, where people's standards have been so high that they just couldn't find anyone they wanted. If this is what they are seeking, that's fine, but it will make things very hard. You must remember that a lot of people are still trying to find that 'perfect' couple. You must also remember, though, that the 'perfect' couple may be seeking something even more 'perfect' than themselves. If people were to set their standards to something more attainable to them, they may have more luck. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be super picky. Don't be offended if someone tells you politely that you're not their type. Remember, you have your standards and they have theirs. Superficial sometimes? Yes. This is everyone's right though. Just be persistent and open-minded, and you'll eventually find your perfect match!
STANDARDS
Everyone has their own standards and preferences. That is what makes a diverse lifestyle so wonderful. There is someone for everyone. We have seen scenarios, though, where people's standards have been so high that they just couldn't find anyone they wanted. If this is what they are seeking, that's fine, but it will make things very hard. You must remember that a lot of people are still trying to find that 'perfect' couple. You must also remember, though, that the 'perfect' couple may be seeking something even more 'perfect' than themselves. If people were to set their standards to something more attainable to them, they may have more luck. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be super picky. Don't be offended if someone tells you politely that you're not their type. Remember, you have your standards and they have theirs. Superficial sometimes? Yes. This is everyone's right though. Just be persistent and open-minded, and you'll eventually find your perfect match!
UTADVNTR wrote:
What we are learning (still new at this) is to pay close attention to the little things that occur at the beginning. If someone isn't going to respect your boundaries when they are courting you, they certainly won't later on! If they pretend to not hear what you request in your email, they will be dishonest in other ways later on. Bottom line - no warm fuzzy, no meet. If that offends, then you are probably looking drama in the face, and better to find that out early than later...
Very nice guys, we couldn't have said it any better!
We find this problem with MANY of our couples. Our policy is...We NEVER ask twice. We could care less if they were drunk or whatever...NOT a very good first impression. Personally it would kind of suck to be let down after all the buildup and dirty thoughts you have before u get there. But sometimes it just doesnt work! either from selective pictures(not actually what they look like) or just dont feel the connection in person. but honesty is always best and I hope, since we are all adults, that people handle rejection in an adult way
I am not sure anyone feels good about telling others that it just is not going to happen. But life always gives us surprises and the best you can do is just be honest. If someone wishes to be pissed of then that is a choice that they have made and there is nothing you can do about it. As embarrassing as it might be, honesty is the best policy.
In general I am pretty sure about whom I want to play with before I make plans to do so. But it has not always worked out. I think that is why putting a date together is so difficult for many of us. You always wonder if the others are going to make it or cancel at the last minute. You can worry yourself right out of a good time if you are not careful.
I have had days that things did not go well at work and no matter how I try the day
In general I am pretty sure about whom I want to play with before I make plans to do so. But it has not always worked out. I think that is why putting a date together is so difficult for many of us. You always wonder if the others are going to make it or cancel at the last minute. You can worry yourself right out of a good time if you are not careful.
I have had days that things did not go well at work and no matter how I try the day
I am finding it is better to be honest with others instead of leading them on or just ignoring them.
This is one of the most insightful threads I've ever read on here. I appreciate the candor. "Click or not click" ... that is THE question.
We believe in telling people. It won't always go well, but at least we tried to be nice about it. It's the same thing when people drop you/get dropped off friend's list. Don't be offended, if anything just know, it might be better not to push the subject...
Thanks everyone! I was pretty sure that I just got a bad apple in the situation but wanted to make sure that I hadn't made the wrong assumption about the way things run around here. This really was a nice thread! So much positive feedback.
Nobody likes to be rejected for ANY reason (even if it's a good one) and it stings more in the lifestyle for some reason. But it happens to EVERYONE and the truly sucky part are those individuals (probably more than will ever admit it) who really get mean and nasty even after a sincere, honest, gentle rejection. That's why we usually just lie our asses off. You know, make up some fucking excuse about being secret agents who were just called on a super secret mission or we're astronauts and have to take off for the moon and shit. Another good one is to suddenly remember that we have a terribly contagious disease or an intense fear of seeing other people's genitals. If none of those work we tell them that one of them has a STRIKING resemblance to like our parents or kids or something. ;-)
EVILDOERS wrote:Yes, but remember that if they're from the deep South, don't say that they remind you of a cousin 'cause they'll think you're hitting on 'em hard for some hot sex.
... If none of those work we tell them that one of them has a STRIKING resemblance to like our parents or kids or something. ;-)
(Oh, damn, I'm going to be hearing from some of those Florida folks, aren't I?) 
PALS4FUN wrote:EVILDOERS wrote:Yes, but remember that if they're from the deep South, don't say that they remind you of a cousin 'cause they'll think you're hitting on 'em hard for some hot sex.
... If none of those work we tell them that one of them has a STRIKING resemblance to like our parents or kids or something. ;-)
http://www.ncsl.org/issues-research/human-services/state-laws-regarding-marriages-between-first-cousi.aspx
Sorry PALS4FUN - see - marrying your cousins is still legal in Utah
Granted, you can't reproduce, but still, legal!honestly, all I need in a rejection is a "sorry, you're not my type". Ignoring me isn't good for me - it's rude, and it makes me wait sometimes for something that never comes. Same works in anything for that matter, I was going to sell something to someone, had changed plans to do it, and I didn't find out til I texted them just 3 hours before we were to meet up that they had changed their minds, and I'm certain that they had known for at least 6 hours before that without telling me what was going on.
we recently had a male, locally ask us to be friends, with no introductory email or inclusion of photos since they had no albums for us to view so this is our reply.
"hey thanks for the interest but since you havent sent any kind of introduction email we will not be adding you as a friend, even more so that you have no photo albums for us to view, and no photos have been sent for us to famaliarize ourselves with who we are adding to our personal world. we hope you appreciate our decision and respect our wishes.
"hey thanks for the interest but since you havent sent any kind of introduction email we will not be adding you as a friend, even more so that you have no photo albums for us to view, and no photos have been sent for us to famaliarize ourselves with who we are adding to our personal world. we hope you appreciate our decision and respect our wishes.
BUBBLESNBRIT wrote:
we recently had a male, locally ask us to be friends, with no introductory email or inclusion of photos since they had no albums for us to view so this is our reply.
"hey thanks for the interest but since you havent sent any kind of introduction email we will not be adding you as a friend, even more so that you have no photo albums for us to view, and no photos have been sent for us to famaliarize ourselves with who we are adding to our personal world. we hope you appreciate our decision and respect our wishes.
I think that is a great response!
Being attracted through emails is one thing, thats why we like to meet before it goes anywhere, to see if we click in person. With all the different types of people in the world, its inevitable that we're not going to click with everyone. As long as things are kept polite, it shouldnt hurt any feelings of being rejected. I think the key phrase here is being "adult" about it.
i really never mind a polite rejection. i prefer it to no response. i try to be super polite when i say no, something like 'i'm sorry but i don't think we are a match. best of luck to you".
occasionally people respond poorly, but that's pretty rare.
occasionally people respond poorly, but that's pretty rare.
In an ideal world, I would prefer an honest rebuff as opposed to the chaos of unhappy nothingness. I am mature enough to "handle the truth" ... whether I like it or not. The cyber silence that is so common these days as to be considered "manners" actually is much worse than being leveled with. With truthfulness also comes the possibility of remedying anything about me that is off putting, if possible. Or adjusting any unreal expectations I might have or create. Just sayin'.
BUBBLESNBRIT wrote:
we recently had a male, locally ask us to be friends, with no introductory email or inclusion of photos since they had no albums for us to view so this is our reply.
"hey thanks for the interest but since you havent sent any kind of introduction email we will not be adding you as a friend, even more so that you have no photo albums for us to view, and no photos have been sent for us to famaliarize ourselves with who we are adding to our personal world. we hope you appreciate our decision and respect our wishes.
Excellent choice, imo. I changed it a little, to reflect my personality. If anyone wishes to use it, feel free:
I have not received an introductory email and/or face photo, suggesting that you did not read my profile or chose to disrespect my needs. This is not friendly behavior.
Question, does anyone have any sort of sign that they exchange with their partner to let me know whether or not to go ahead with a play date? Like if you are at dinner its kind of awkward and rude to lean over and say to your partner "this isn't working". What do you do? As for the original question, I have told people a few times, "thanks for your interest but you just aren't our type. good luck though!" honesty is always best.
We think it's easy to tell or to figure it out if both cpls are being attracted to each other, if we like them we will give them hints that we want to hang out and see if things can go to a more steamy level, we get some space and give space to see reactions if things go well great and if either one just don't show the same level of interest well it's great as well, I think we have never come to that situation where we needed to tell someone straight "hey let us be honest we are not interested" just be smart about it... don't see the big deal on this topic.