Recently our family confronted us about swinging. All our family meaning both sets of parents, and siblings plus spouse confronted us. We didn't deny that we are swingers. They were concerned for our health and well being. They also gave us an ultimatum to quit because they said it
Oh this is really sad. Although my family doesn't know I don't feel making it their business would change anything. They might judge me but its my life, not theirs. I'm not sure how close you are with your family but for myself I have no issues walking away from family that gives me an ultimatum. Basically, its none of their dam business! And that is what I would have told them...period, end of story. Why would anyone call you out on what goes on in your bedroom?? Wow! How uncomfortable that must have been. Your not breaking the law and if your like most couples, its brought you two closer to gether being in the lifestyle. No secrets and a lot of fun together. Hope you make the best decision for yourselves and your marraige. Best of luck! You have my support to give them all a big middle finger 
...........just sayin 
...........Mrs. T
...........just sayin ...........Mrs. TWow, sounds like an intervention. On the one hand, they love and care for you enough to go to this extreme. On the other hand they DON'T love and care for you enough to accept you for who you really are.
Only advice i can give is to make an informed adult decision that you can live with. The two of you need to be happy. This isn't about living a lifestyle that makes you socially acceptable to people who supposedly love you.
The choice is theirs to accept you or reject you. It isn't your responsibility to try to control that choice through your actions.
Only advice i can give is to make an informed adult decision that you can live with. The two of you need to be happy. This isn't about living a lifestyle that makes you socially acceptable to people who supposedly love you.
The choice is theirs to accept you or reject you. It isn't your responsibility to try to control that choice through your actions.
This is a major reason that Discretion is a must for us, we could not imagine what would happen if "Family" found out or even Business associates. You have our sympathy, It is amazing how other people either family or friends alike, step in and can make your business theirs, or try to apply their "personal interpretation of Morals" upon others. I feel that certain Religious organizations, are totally against my belief in what is right/wrong, but that is for me to determine for myself. And for those that wish to impose beliefs and ultimatums, well Damn them. Good luck to the both of you,
Thank you so much everyone for your responses. We aren't entirely sure how they found out. They said they were suspicious and then did research on the internet. We are not sure to what extent the research was taken. It has been so helpful to hear from everyone. Your comments are in-line with our feelings about the situation. Nice to feel a little validated.
Hello Enjoyinglife:
We had a similar situation confront some friends of ours last year. Their oldest daughter walked in on them when they were packing for a swinger's cruise and the wife had left out a picture of her lying naked with another woman and kissing her. The parents were in the shower and didn't know the daughter had returned home. Our friends have another younger daughter as well and the family found out. Long story cut short: They told their children (and family) that passing judgement on others is not a way to engender love and affection. They had had numerous discussions, and numerous opportunities to look at the pros and cons of the swinging lifestyle and that while it may not be for everyone, it was something that they both enjoyed and agreed would fit their personalities and their beliefs. They also indicated that they would be happy to discuss the issues that were of concern but that they were not going to debate them or defend them. They gave their family the ultimatum that they would meet one on one with any family member (or couple) to have this conversation but would not have the conversation in a large group setting where they were made to feel as if they were on the defensive. The ultimatum was that - if you don't take this opportunity to understand where we are coming from, then we will never offer this opportunity again. End of discussion.
A few of the other family members agreed to the terms and have remained close to our friends since. Several other family members declined, and have drifted away from our friends. Our friends have remained in the lifestyle and are still very happy. They admit to some awkward moments when it comes to family get togethers and holidays but say that they let their family know that they're availble for family outings as long as there is NO discussion about their lifestyle. It's been just over a year now and they're staying true to who they are and are comfortable that they made the right decision.
This may not work for you but it is another way to consider your options. We wish you the very best. Here's a big hug!
We had a similar situation confront some friends of ours last year. Their oldest daughter walked in on them when they were packing for a swinger's cruise and the wife had left out a picture of her lying naked with another woman and kissing her. The parents were in the shower and didn't know the daughter had returned home. Our friends have another younger daughter as well and the family found out. Long story cut short: They told their children (and family) that passing judgement on others is not a way to engender love and affection. They had had numerous discussions, and numerous opportunities to look at the pros and cons of the swinging lifestyle and that while it may not be for everyone, it was something that they both enjoyed and agreed would fit their personalities and their beliefs. They also indicated that they would be happy to discuss the issues that were of concern but that they were not going to debate them or defend them. They gave their family the ultimatum that they would meet one on one with any family member (or couple) to have this conversation but would not have the conversation in a large group setting where they were made to feel as if they were on the defensive. The ultimatum was that - if you don't take this opportunity to understand where we are coming from, then we will never offer this opportunity again. End of discussion.
A few of the other family members agreed to the terms and have remained close to our friends since. Several other family members declined, and have drifted away from our friends. Our friends have remained in the lifestyle and are still very happy. They admit to some awkward moments when it comes to family get togethers and holidays but say that they let their family know that they're availble for family outings as long as there is NO discussion about their lifestyle. It's been just over a year now and they're staying true to who they are and are comfortable that they made the right decision.
This may not work for you but it is another way to consider your options. We wish you the very best. Here's a big hug!
Very nice Response DOUG117. And how could anyone look at your pictures where it is obvious that this makes you so happy and think that this is a bad thing?
Wow it does sound like an intervention. There are legitimate health concerns involved here that you cant deny.
Good luck.
Wow it does sound like an intervention. There are legitimate health concerns involved here that you cant deny.
Good luck.
Your family is more important than sexual gratification. Give it up!
I'm so sorry that your family feels its any of their buisness...which its NOT. Did you ask them about their sex lives after they asked you? Ask them if they enjoy or have oral, anal or believe in doing "it" in any position then missionary? That would be a very clear way to show them what they are doing to you.
Personally I would tell them flat out its not any of their buisness, but you appreciate their concern. Then I'd change my profile on here and keep living my life the way I want...because they don't seem open enough to accept who you are, or to even understand what its all about.
I'm very offended that they feel they can pass judgement on you for your choices when they are committing the ultimate sin of passing judgement on someone else. I don't care what your beliefs are most religions believe its Gods job to pass judgement.
Parents are supposed to love their children no matter what...how aweful for you both...again we are so sorry for you. Good luck.
Personally I would tell them flat out its not any of their buisness, but you appreciate their concern. Then I'd change my profile on here and keep living my life the way I want...because they don't seem open enough to accept who you are, or to even understand what its all about.
I'm very offended that they feel they can pass judgement on you for your choices when they are committing the ultimate sin of passing judgement on someone else. I don't care what your beliefs are most religions believe its Gods job to pass judgement.
Parents are supposed to love their children no matter what...how aweful for you both...again we are so sorry for you. Good luck.
Gather the people back together so that you can reply to their ultimatum.
Let them know you thought about it and have decided that the adult and responsible thing to do it to continue living your life the way you see fit.
Let them know that you have never said anything about the 2 people present that have been cheating on their significant others, you have never mentioned the person with the cocaine habit, you don't care about the family members who are smoking marijuana, and you have not mentioned these things because you feel that that is the business of those involved and you feel you are more adult than to go sticking your nose in to other people's lives.
Just make sure that there are at least 4 people there that are married to keep them guessing.
And for the record both of our families know. And those that initially took issue with it were informed that if they don't like it they don't need to partake of it. It's not like we are sleeping with any of our family members anyway, and since we do it together it's not cheating. It also helps that we have a very healthy marriage, partially because of it, have never cheated on each other, and can look each of them in the eye to ask if they have ever strayed in their relationships.
Let them know you thought about it and have decided that the adult and responsible thing to do it to continue living your life the way you see fit.
Let them know that you have never said anything about the 2 people present that have been cheating on their significant others, you have never mentioned the person with the cocaine habit, you don't care about the family members who are smoking marijuana, and you have not mentioned these things because you feel that that is the business of those involved and you feel you are more adult than to go sticking your nose in to other people's lives.
Just make sure that there are at least 4 people there that are married to keep them guessing.
And for the record both of our families know. And those that initially took issue with it were informed that if they don't like it they don't need to partake of it. It's not like we are sleeping with any of our family members anyway, and since we do it together it's not cheating. It also helps that we have a very healthy marriage, partially because of it, have never cheated on each other, and can look each of them in the eye to ask if they have ever strayed in their relationships.
DARKNLADYJEDI wrote:
Gather the people back together so that you can reply to their ultimatum.
Let them know you thought about it and have decided that the adult and responsible thing to do it to continue living your life the way you see fit.
Let them know that you have never said anything about the 2 people present that have been cheating on their significant others, you have never mentioned the person with the cocaine habit, you don't care about the family members who are smoking marijuana, and you have not mentioned these things because you feel that that is the business of those involved and you feel you are more adult than to go sticking your nose in to other people's lives.
Just make sure that there are at least 4 people there that are married to keep them guessing.
I love this approach!! Even if there isn't anyone doing those things, since no one else knows, the family would drop any accusations very quickly!!
I partially agree with WESEE that family is too important to lose. I partially agree with everyone else that people who won't accept your personal lifestyle are OK to lose. Try not giving them an ultimatum and see if they come around. I see you have "taking a break" on your profile. Why not avoid a confrontation by telling that you are doing that and thinking the situation over. Be honest and abstain for a reasonable period of time, say 15 minutues (lol ... just kiddding) say a month and really think it over. After a month say, if you want to go back to swinging you were honest with your family. Don't promise to them other than to say you are stopping temporarily to think it over. If you want to resume it is your business, and you will have been completely honest with your family. Best Wishes.
WESEE wrote:
Your family is more important than sexual gratification. Give it up!
This is not just sexual gratification for us. It has brought us together as a couple. We communicate more, we are more loving with each other and we have better sex with each other then we have ever had due to the openness we have with each other. It is unfortunate that they gave you an ultimatum but we would be glad to discuss it with our family if they found out. If they did not understand or were upset and did not want to be around us then that is there issue. Since this is between us as spouses, we feel that what we do in our private life is our business and it is not there's.
I appreciate your problem. Most of us are vulnerable when it comes to our families. WESEE said that family is more important than sexual gratification. To some degree they are correct. But this lifestyle should not be about mere sexual gratification. If that is all it is for you then maybe you should give it up. For me it is about coming to terms with who I am, what I believe to be right. For me this is the right place and I am willing to take the responsibility for my own decisions and any fallout that comes from those. It is time that I lived my life for me. I have lived the last 30 years for someone else and I will tell you that in the end those years have not been completely worth the price that I have had to pay.
As I see it you are at a crossroads in your life. You now have to decide whether it is more important for you to please your families or to take control of your own lives. If you give up control to your families now you will probably have them running your lives forever. Is that what you wish to have happen? I think that you have to decide who you are and what you want and if you want your family to control your lives forever then give to them their victory. It is not an easy decision and I wish you the best.
As I see it you are at a crossroads in your life. You now have to decide whether it is more important for you to please your families or to take control of your own lives. If you give up control to your families now you will probably have them running your lives forever. Is that what you wish to have happen? I think that you have to decide who you are and what you want and if you want your family to control your lives forever then give to them their victory. It is not an easy decision and I wish you the best.
Here Here...well said Seakingher!
Life is about personal choice and accountability. We are always free to choose, but we are not free from our natural consequences, whatever they may be! You should do what you feel is best for you. Live your life as YOU see fit.
Best wishes, I would be crushed if I felt torn between my family and living my own life, regardless of the reasons or situation. My heart goes out to you!
Mrs. WHATS
Life is about personal choice and accountability. We are always free to choose, but we are not free from our natural consequences, whatever they may be! You should do what you feel is best for you. Live your life as YOU see fit.
Best wishes, I would be crushed if I felt torn between my family and living my own life, regardless of the reasons or situation. My heart goes out to you!
Mrs. WHATS
WOW !!! ok with that said.. I usually can give folks advice about the LS.. but in this case I have no reference as to what you should to do. I grew up in an open family my folks told me about the LS when I was 17 and (No our family though open did not sleep together!!) My advice to you is to follow your heart and do what you think is best for the two of you.
It's your business, not theirs!
It's your life, not theirs!
It's your penis and vagina, not theirs!
Tell them you love them, but butt out!
Do you tell them you are concerned about their prescription drug usage?
Do you tell them you are concerned about their obesity?
Do you tell them you are concerned about their smoking?
Do you tell them you are concerned about their religion or not going to church?
Do you meddle in their affairs?
Do you question their integrity?
Do you question their business ethics?
As Jesus once said, "Let he who is innocent cast the first stone."
Tell them you can and will get your rocks off anyway you want to
while they should keep their rocks in their rock pile!
It's your life, not theirs!
It's your penis and vagina, not theirs!
Tell them you love them, but butt out!
Do you tell them you are concerned about their prescription drug usage?
Do you tell them you are concerned about their obesity?
Do you tell them you are concerned about their smoking?
Do you tell them you are concerned about their religion or not going to church?
Do you meddle in their affairs?
Do you question their integrity?
Do you question their business ethics?
As Jesus once said, "Let he who is innocent cast the first stone."
Tell them you can and will get your rocks off anyway you want to
while they should keep their rocks in their rock pile!
My advice is to make the decision you can live with. Telling them that it's none of their business sounds great on paper. However, pushing away both of your families is a very difficult thing to do. Only you two have enough details to know the answer to this. Will they really cut you off? Will it all blow over? It's your call. Whatever your decision, hopefully you can still maintain the friendships you've made.
It sounds like you have a controlling and manipulative family that for one snoops around hunting for anything wrong or different and then forces there ways on you
There has been some very interesting and heart felt responses to your situation. I can imagine that you are truly thinking about what is best for you both. At the end of the day, week, month, year... Life, it comes down to one thing. Are you ashamed of you and your decision to be in the lifestyle? If the answer to that question is NO, then you should let them know that you truly appreciate their concerns for your safety and let them know you take care of yourselves in that area. Only you two will have to deal with consequences of your decisions. Not Them. I am sure they would not like you to inquire about their bedroom habits. Ask them not to ask about yours.
If the answer to the question above is YES, then maybe you should rethink your reasons for being in the lifestyle.
For us, it has brought us closer together. We don't have to worry about the other one cheating or straying. It really has brought an open honesty to our relationship that I don't think we would have otherwise. Another great thing that has happened for us, is we have made some really awesome friends that we wouldn't have met otherwise.
Our hearts truly go out to you at this time. Listen to your hearts on this. Family members aren't always right, especially if they say its black or white. You always have a choice and there are about a million shades of gray. Follow your heart and you will always be doing whats right for YOU!
If the answer to the question above is YES, then maybe you should rethink your reasons for being in the lifestyle.
For us, it has brought us closer together. We don't have to worry about the other one cheating or straying. It really has brought an open honesty to our relationship that I don't think we would have otherwise. Another great thing that has happened for us, is we have made some really awesome friends that we wouldn't have met otherwise.
Our hearts truly go out to you at this time. Listen to your hearts on this. Family members aren't always right, especially if they say its black or white. You always have a choice and there are about a million shades of gray. Follow your heart and you will always be doing whats right for YOU!
Thank you so much everyone. We really appreciate everyone's advice and perspective on the situation. We were really nervous about posting to the forum, but are really glad we did. Thank you very much.
deny, deny, deny, deny.....
accuse your accuser, and that's the end of that conversation
accuse your accuser, and that's the end of that conversation
KANDD - ROFLMAO!!
Our 18 year old daughter found out something was up a few months ago. James left an email open with "Swingular" in the from line.
We've been card carrying, yet lunatic fringe mormons since she was three so its all she's ever known until about a year ago. But she's also known we are not conservative and that I've always dressed sexy and loved being sexual, plus we lived in Europe for a while with near-daily nude beach encounters. I told her that we are trying to find some open-minded, fun people that won't judge us that we can hang out with, and that if I went out with my current friends dressed the way I'd like to (i.e. normal shorts not those that go down to the knee), they probably wouldn't talk to me anymore.
That resonated with her. She has a very eclectic style and has been altering her clothes to suit her unique vision since she was 10. She takes crap for how she looks - kinda skater style - even though she graduated with a 3.9 GPA, honor role, fluent in three languages and she doesn't do drugs or drink. Still, she's the one who gets the dirty looks even though she's the designated driver for their drunk-ass "perfect" kids.
So we stretched the truth a bit... said it was our way of finding open-minded friends that wouldn't judge, and fun costume parties to go to. I've even shown her pics of the costumes I've worn - complete with pasties! When she asked if we had sex with other people, we said in front of other people, but not with other people.
This is our way of easing out of the closet, lol. Someday, I'll spill the beans entirely, but she is only 18.
As for family members outside your immediate family, others have covered that subject well. I'd tell them to stay the hell out of your personal affairs. Who do they think they are putting ultimatums on ADULTS? You could always promise to try to make sure you put your dildos away and lock the door to the bondage chamber before they come to visit.
K.
Our 18 year old daughter found out something was up a few months ago. James left an email open with "Swingular" in the from line.
We've been card carrying, yet lunatic fringe mormons since she was three so its all she's ever known until about a year ago. But she's also known we are not conservative and that I've always dressed sexy and loved being sexual, plus we lived in Europe for a while with near-daily nude beach encounters. I told her that we are trying to find some open-minded, fun people that won't judge us that we can hang out with, and that if I went out with my current friends dressed the way I'd like to (i.e. normal shorts not those that go down to the knee), they probably wouldn't talk to me anymore.
That resonated with her. She has a very eclectic style and has been altering her clothes to suit her unique vision since she was 10. She takes crap for how she looks - kinda skater style - even though she graduated with a 3.9 GPA, honor role, fluent in three languages and she doesn't do drugs or drink. Still, she's the one who gets the dirty looks even though she's the designated driver for their drunk-ass "perfect" kids.
So we stretched the truth a bit... said it was our way of finding open-minded friends that wouldn't judge, and fun costume parties to go to. I've even shown her pics of the costumes I've worn - complete with pasties! When she asked if we had sex with other people, we said in front of other people, but not with other people.
This is our way of easing out of the closet, lol. Someday, I'll spill the beans entirely, but she is only 18.
As for family members outside your immediate family, others have covered that subject well. I'd tell them to stay the hell out of your personal affairs. Who do they think they are putting ultimatums on ADULTS? You could always promise to try to make sure you put your dildos away and lock the door to the bondage chamber before they come to visit.
K.
I agree with most on here that it is your business! After all you are adults and a married couple and made the choice together as a couple... All my children know about the lifestyle except for my eight year daughter. I am a single female now after being married for 16 years but the lifestyle was not the cause. My kids don't ask question of my sex life nor do I ask them. But they do know I am here with open arms if they have any problems no matter how small or big. (When it comes to sex). Do whats right for you in the end... take a break and see if that where you wanna be. If not then tell them thanks for the concern but this is what makes us happy and know all the risk envolved. "I don't tell you what postion to perform" so please don't barg into my bedroom! Good Luck!
JNK204 wrote:
KANDD - ROFLMAO!!
Our 18 year old daughter found out something was up a few months ago. James left an email open with "Swingular" in the from line.
We've been card carrying, yet lunatic fringe mormons since she was three so its all she's ever known until about a year ago. But she's also known we are not conservative and that I've always dressed sexy and loved being sexual, plus we lived in Europe for a while with near-daily nude beach encounters. I told her that we are trying to find some open-minded, fun people that won't judge us that we can hang out with, and that if I went out with my current friends dressed the way I'd like to (i.e. normal shorts not those that go down to the knee), they probably wouldn't talk to me anymore.
That resonated with her. She has a very eclectic style and has been altering her clothes to suit her unique vision since she was 10. She takes crap for how she looks - kinda skater style - even though she graduated with a 3.9 GPA, honor role, fluent in three languages and she doesn't do drugs or drink. Still, she's the one who gets the dirty looks even though she's the designated driver for their drunk-ass "perfect" kids.
So we stretched the truth a bit... said it was our way of finding open-minded friends that wouldn't judge, and fun costume parties to go to. I've even shown her pics of the costumes I've worn - complete with pasties! When she asked if we had sex with other people, we said in front of other people, but not with other people.
This is our way of easing out of the closet, lol. Someday, I'll spill the beans entirely, but she is only 18.
As for family members outside your immediate family, others have covered that subject well. I'd tell them to stay the hell out of your personal affairs. Who do they think they are putting ultimatums on ADULTS? You could always promise to try to make sure you put your dildos away and lock the door to the bondage chamber before they come to visit.
K.
I LOVE the way you handled that!!
DARKNLADYJEDI wrote:
Gather the people back together so that you can reply to their ultimatum. Let them know you thought about it and have decided that the adult and responsible thing to do it to continue living your life the way you see fit. Let them know that you have never said anything about the 2 people present that have been cheating on their significant others, you have never mentioned the person with the cocaine habit, you don't care about the family members who are smoking marijuana, and you have not mentioned these things because you feel that that is the business of those involved and you feel you are more adult than to go sticking your nose in to other people's lives. Just make sure that there are at least 4 people there that are married to keep them guessing. And for the record both of our families know. And those that initially took issue with it were informed that if they don't like it they don't need to partake of it. It's not like we are sleeping with any of our family members anyway, and since we do it together it's not cheating. It also helps that we have a very healthy marriage, partially because of it, have never cheated on each other, and can look each of them in the eye to ask if they have ever strayed in their relationships.
That is, without a doubt, one of the most devious and underhanded ways you could possibly resort to in handling this situation.
And I'm jealous as hell I didn't think of it to suggest it first.
Deny. Deny. Deny.
Simple.
Mav
Simple.
Mav
The first time I started something I went out of town to meet an old hs friend. My mom was so worried and upset that I was going to see a male and that my marriage would break it was horrible. I ended up telling her the real story for my trip. I am lucky that I have always been able to be open with her. She has known about things I did before I met the hubby (gotta love shock value) so she wasn't in total shock. She still doesn't understand but doesn't give me any shit about what may be happening. Now that I think about it, it is one subject I can bring up that will actually shut her up. lmao
It doesn't sound like there is an issue of y'all being too out in the open since they did a search to confirm their suspicions. Personally, if my family was going to disown me over something I was doing that was causing them no harm in any way, they could go fuck themselves because that is not how a supportive and loving family behaves. JMHO
It doesn't sound like there is an issue of y'all being too out in the open since they did a search to confirm their suspicions. Personally, if my family was going to disown me over something I was doing that was causing them no harm in any way, they could go fuck themselves because that is not how a supportive and loving family behaves. JMHO
My family found out, male here, OK, one found out and told everyone...
I told them it was none of their business, what I do in the comfort of my own home has nothing to do with them.
They got pissy, I told them to fuck off, they stopped being pissy, and now, all is well.
No offense or harshness intended, but the reality is that if they want to stop being your family because of this, I would submit that you don't want them in your family anyway.
Why would you cowtow to people like this?
I told them it was none of their business, what I do in the comfort of my own home has nothing to do with them.
They got pissy, I told them to fuck off, they stopped being pissy, and now, all is well.
No offense or harshness intended, but the reality is that if they want to stop being your family because of this, I would submit that you don't want them in your family anyway.
Why would you cowtow to people like this?
You must live with the consequences of your choices, even the choices others make in response to yours. Just a little thought if they can "scare" you into changing this choice, what won't they like next and use the same or similar tactic to change in the future? When we first started, the Mrs's sister found out and called the police, claiming that Mr was forcing her into something she didn't want to do. She just couldn't accept that the Mrs would 1) have such an idea, 2) want to act upon it, and 3) Mr would let her. Never mind the fact that this same person had her own "indiscretions" and a hubby who would fuck just about anyone but her. Mr got some very nasty e-mails from said sister calling him every sick thing imaginable, as misdirected rage that should have been focused on her hubby. Ultimately she calmed down and accepted that it was our choice. Really she was jealous that we could be so open and honest, and have fun with it. But hey, some people really believe what they have been taught their whole lives, and fear for the safety of other's souls. That is their choice. This is ours.
In the End you Only have yourself to live with, other people and YES family will come and go you need to be happy with the choices you make in life.
IT WOULD BE CURIOUS TO KNOW HOW THEY FOUND OUT BEING U DON'T HAVE A PROFILE PIC.
GOOD LUCK
IT WOULD BE CURIOUS TO KNOW HOW THEY FOUND OUT BEING U DON'T HAVE A PROFILE PIC.
GOOD LUCK
"JNK204" Liked the way you handled it but believe me 18 year olds are smarter then that.
4 us the more important is our family, but our family is her, him and the kids. Parents,inlaw, brother, sisters etc etc its not the most important 4 us, if I or her would quit we do, but not 4 others. And this life style its not just 4 sex.
wish the best 4 u2.
wish the best 4 u2.