MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous
of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous
of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
What do you call a redneck who raises goats and sheep?
Bi-sexual
What does a redneck girl say when she loses her virginity?
Get off me daddy - you're crushing my cigarettes.
Bi-sexual
What does a redneck girl say when she loses her virginity?
Get off me daddy - you're crushing my cigarettes.
CARRIERMAN wrote:
What does a redneck girl say when she loses her virginity?
Get off me daddy - you're crushing my cigarettes.
Oh Carrier, that is bad!!! roflmao
NAUGHTYGIRL101 wrote:CARRIERMAN wrote:
What does a redneck girl say when she loses her virginity?
Get off me daddy - you're crushing my cigarettes.
Oh Carrier, that is bad!!! roflmao
Since we both live in the same county, I can attest that it is bad, and sadly, pretty damn accurate.
If hot dogs are called weenies, are artificial meat hot dogs dildos?
DARKNLADYJEDI wrote:Since we both live in the same county, I can attest that it is bad, and sadly, pretty damn accurate. If hot dogs are called weenies, are artificial meat hot dogs dildos?[/quote]NAUGHTYGIRL101 wrote:Oh Carrier, that is bad!!! roflmao
[quote=CARRIERMAN]What does a redneck girl say when she loses her virginity? Get off me daddy - you're crushing my cigarettes.
Ya know, that's one of those questions that has troubled mankind for centuries.
Kinda like:
If a male sheep is a Ram
And the Bible calls a donkey an ass
Why is a ram in the ass a goose?
I thought a goose was a pinch in the ass?? lol
NAUGHTYGIRL101 wrote:
I thought a goose was a pinch in the ass?? lol
No, a pinch in the ass is French for "I'm very pleased to make your acquaintence ma'am."
A Ram, An Ass and a Goose hmmmmm sounds like a hillbilly saturday night....
CARRIERMAN wrote:NAUGHTYGIRL101 wrote:
I thought a goose was a pinch in the ass?? lol
No, a pinch in the ass is French for "I'm very pleased to make your acquaintence ma'am.
Ohhhh...well in that case pinch away *giggles*
Austrilian sheep herder walks into the bedroom where is wife is laying on the bed. He has a sheep under his arm...He says "I just want you to see the pig I fuck when you have a headache." The wife says, "For your information, that in NOT a pig!"
The farmer says, "For your information, I'm not talking to YOU!"
Just trying to stay with the theme...
The farmer says, "For your information, I'm not talking to YOU!"
Just trying to stay with the theme...
no wonder couples need me to help them out 
Man comes home from work. Wife says the stove is broken he grabs a beer sits down on the couch and says what the hell do i look like the stove repair man.....next day he comes home she says the washer is broken he grabs a beer sits down on the couch says what the hell do i look like the maytag repair man....next day he comes home the washer is fixed the stove is fixed he says honney how did you get these fixed? she says the neighbor came over and fixed them he said i could pay him with brownies or hot passionate sex....He says what did you do? she says what the hell do i look like Betty Crocker?
There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other ...
I failed my driver...
[quote=UTAHPLEASURES]I failed my driver
[quote=DARKNLADYJEDI][quote=UTAHPLEASURES]I failed my driver
A teenage girl is retrieving the car keys from her mother's purse and notices her mom's driver's license. "Now I know why Daddy divorced you", she says to her mom, "You got an 'F' in Sex."
What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur? A LICKALOTAPUSS! Bahahhahahaha!!
Harold buys some cowboy boots and rushes home to show them off to his wife Ethel. "Do you notice anything different, Ethel?", he asks. Puzzled, Ethel says, "No, you were fat this morning, you're still fat; you were bald this morning, you're still bald...". Frustrated, Harold takes all his clothes off, except the boots and says, "Now do you notice anything different?" Ethel, still puzzled, replies, "No, it's still hanging down like it always does..." Harold, exasperated, says, "Do you know why it's hanging down, Ethel?" Then, pointing at the boots, he says, "It's looking. at. the. boots!" Silent for a moment, Ethel mutters, "You should have bought a hat."
One day little Johnny was sitting in math class and his teacher was asking the class word problems when she got to Little Johnny and said "If there are three birds sitting on a power line and you grab your shot gun and shoot two of them, how many are left?"
"None" Johnny replied.
The teacher said "Actually, one would be left, 3 - 2 = 1"
Little Johnny said "No, if your using a shot gun to shoot at birds then the other one is going to fly off from the sound"
The teacher says "well no the answer is still one, but I like the way you think"
Johnny starts to think to him self "Hmmm you like the way I think huh" and he says to the teacher "Three women are sitting on a park bench and they all have lolly pops. One of them is sucking on it, one is licking it, and the other is biting it. Which one is married?"
The teacher says "The one sucking it of course"
And Johnny replies "No, the one wearing the wedding ring... but I like the way you think"
This one always makes us chuckle😂
"None" Johnny replied.
The teacher said "Actually, one would be left, 3 - 2 = 1"
Little Johnny said "No, if your using a shot gun to shoot at birds then the other one is going to fly off from the sound"
The teacher says "well no the answer is still one, but I like the way you think"
Johnny starts to think to him self "Hmmm you like the way I think huh" and he says to the teacher "Three women are sitting on a park bench and they all have lolly pops. One of them is sucking on it, one is licking it, and the other is biting it. Which one is married?"
The teacher says "The one sucking it of course"
And Johnny replies "No, the one wearing the wedding ring... but I like the way you think"
This one always makes us chuckle😂
what do women say that is similar to snow and men.........you never know how many inches you are going to get and how long its going to last
... Why were gays the first out of San Francisco after the quake ... they already had their shit packed ............. sorry, just old times humor !