Hey, this is a question to all of the members of the community. I wonder if any of you ever feel bummed the day after playing, like not really sure why you are feeling out of sorts, but just not feeling right...? I just recently started sort of feeling this way and I do not like it... Playtime is always great, but I get this empty feeling the next day, sometimes not until a couple of days after... I've talked to a friend and he calls it the Sex hangover. He felt that it did not have anything to do with any specific person necessarily, and I agree. I have heard other people tell me that you may eventually get to the point where you feel like that, and lots of people stop playing because of it. Just wondering if this is something that may pass, or if I am hitting that point.... This is probably different for couples/singles, I'd love to get some feedback from you on this. Somewhat of a odd question, but really could not think of a better place to ask it, and would not have if it did not bother me...
To answer the question specifically for you, we would need to know a lot more about you, your history and your relationship with your parents............just lie down on this couch and tell us all about it.
You have probably hit on the issue as a hangover, but it may be tinged with guilt, emptiness and a lack of a significant lover in your life. As you keep raising the sexual bar, the highs get harder to achieve.
You can get off the couch now.
You have probably hit on the issue as a hangover, but it may be tinged with guilt, emptiness and a lack of a significant lover in your life. As you keep raising the sexual bar, the highs get harder to achieve.
You can get off the couch now.
I am the friend Candee is refering to.
About 4 years ago I posted on my MySpace page about feeling what I refer to as a sexual hangover. When I was younger I could have lots of sex with a number of partners and not spend much time thinking about it. But as I got older those notches on my belt felt the same in the evening, but the next day I felt crappy, depressed. Sexually hung over. it made me feel like I was being used. Even though that previous evening I felt like I was using her.
It was the emptiness that followed. The meaninglessness of the sex, ot the interaction with a woman who was there at night, but gone during the day.
Though I found out recently that a couple of these women thought far more about me, including having wished for a little mikey.
I would assume that even in the lifestyle, among couples this sexual hangover occurs. Though my lifestyle experience is still meak at best. I have seen what it has done to couples on occasion. This tends to present itself more when one partner feels like they are getting less out of it then the other partner. And this unequal experience can taint, and sometimes end a coupling.
However I don't see the sexual hangover being an issue for secure couples. I could be wrong. But the next day, with a secure couple, the sexual hangover it seems to me has a hangover cure. Your partner, the one you have meaningful sex with is there to cuddle with, or at worst, be in the other room, within talking distance.
I haven't had a sexual hangover for a while now. On the contrary, being in a committed relationship, I am often sexually numb and need to drink in sexual excitement. But the thoughts of ot lead me to a sexual pre-hangover, or sexual anxiety. Planning on going to a lifestyle houseparty tonight. And anxiety is creeping in. it is a risky thing, going outside my well established comfort zone. But sometimes you have to take risks to prove you are still alive.
Mike
About 4 years ago I posted on my MySpace page about feeling what I refer to as a sexual hangover. When I was younger I could have lots of sex with a number of partners and not spend much time thinking about it. But as I got older those notches on my belt felt the same in the evening, but the next day I felt crappy, depressed. Sexually hung over. it made me feel like I was being used. Even though that previous evening I felt like I was using her.
It was the emptiness that followed. The meaninglessness of the sex, ot the interaction with a woman who was there at night, but gone during the day.
Though I found out recently that a couple of these women thought far more about me, including having wished for a little mikey.
I would assume that even in the lifestyle, among couples this sexual hangover occurs. Though my lifestyle experience is still meak at best. I have seen what it has done to couples on occasion. This tends to present itself more when one partner feels like they are getting less out of it then the other partner. And this unequal experience can taint, and sometimes end a coupling.
However I don't see the sexual hangover being an issue for secure couples. I could be wrong. But the next day, with a secure couple, the sexual hangover it seems to me has a hangover cure. Your partner, the one you have meaningful sex with is there to cuddle with, or at worst, be in the other room, within talking distance.
I haven't had a sexual hangover for a while now. On the contrary, being in a committed relationship, I am often sexually numb and need to drink in sexual excitement. But the thoughts of ot lead me to a sexual pre-hangover, or sexual anxiety. Planning on going to a lifestyle houseparty tonight. And anxiety is creeping in. it is a risky thing, going outside my well established comfort zone. But sometimes you have to take risks to prove you are still alive.
Mike
To NAWTYBRIT, the question was more of a generic one, as to how others in the lifestyle feel, but some of what you said may hold some truth to it. To MIKE it is very interesting to hear the side of a single male, vs how that individual now in a committed relationship feels about things. Really intersting to me. ABCWOMAN thank you for your feedback as well. I would fall into the "no-time-for-someone-serious" category and truly enjoy variety and new experiences at this point in my life and have made some great friends through the site as well, which is an added bonus (and was quite surprising and unexpected to me, actually). All this summed together is why I am here. And you may be on to something, that getting to bed late and not sleeping much, along with way too many beverages the previous night, may have played a role in my dull mood earlier today. Just took a nap and feel much better...grin~!!
Are you reading my journal? (hee hee. I said journal and not diary. Bet you all can guess what lifestyle I grew up in. LOL) Anyway....back to subject in hand.
I was/am in the exact same situation. I got burned out QUICKLY. I would enjoy my little fuck-fest and the next day feel blah and out of sorts and start to question what the hell I was doing. When that happens I take a break. In order to be a great sexual addition to someone's play time I need to mentally be all there. When I feel I'm not, I take myself off the market til I get a grip on whatever is bugging me. Sometimes it has something to do with sex. Most times, it doesn't. Once I've worked it out I jump back in with both feet....sometimes even naked. ;-)
There isn't any shame or ridicule for wanting/needing a break. Trust me, I've been on the opposite end and been caught in the middle of someone else's (both a single and a couple's) mental/emotional baggage/issues and it sucks purple twinkies. People who play and don't have their shit together are total fuctards and twatwaffles and I personally want to throw gasoline on them and set them on fire. (I did mention I'm taking my own break right now, right? Can you understand why? grrr.)
So don't feel stupid, weird, or think there is anything wrong. I think you being able to reconize this says alot about you and how in touch you are with yourself so kudos to you.
xox
Tammy
(who is taking a break and NOT accepting friend's requests....)
I was/am in the exact same situation. I got burned out QUICKLY. I would enjoy my little fuck-fest and the next day feel blah and out of sorts and start to question what the hell I was doing. When that happens I take a break. In order to be a great sexual addition to someone's play time I need to mentally be all there. When I feel I'm not, I take myself off the market til I get a grip on whatever is bugging me. Sometimes it has something to do with sex. Most times, it doesn't. Once I've worked it out I jump back in with both feet....sometimes even naked. ;-)
There isn't any shame or ridicule for wanting/needing a break. Trust me, I've been on the opposite end and been caught in the middle of someone else's (both a single and a couple's) mental/emotional baggage/issues and it sucks purple twinkies. People who play and don't have their shit together are total fuctards and twatwaffles and I personally want to throw gasoline on them and set them on fire. (I did mention I'm taking my own break right now, right? Can you understand why? grrr.)
So don't feel stupid, weird, or think there is anything wrong. I think you being able to reconize this says alot about you and how in touch you are with yourself so kudos to you.
xox
Tammy
(who is taking a break and NOT accepting friend's requests....)
I had that feeling when I was swingging during my first marriage when my ex husband would talk me into doing it with guys I really didn't like or want to do it with.
Great feedback, thank you all!! Again, I really don't want to come off like a mental case, just felt that I wanted to get some feedback, PROCESS, talk about, some feelings i've had recently to see if others in the lifestyle have experienced the same and what you guys do about it. Interestingly enough it seems we all go through this occasionally, regardless of our status....and yes, I had a great upbringing and childhood (LMAO).... 
I have realized I feel that way when the experience was not as, I guess you would say pleasurable or fun. I would suggest not meeting up with partners and having sex then and there. Meet for dinner or games and get to know one another. Trust is a major part of any good sex and you cant automatically trust strangers.
JANET_TOM, I could see that happening easily, this is something I would not do, I've heard of friend s "taking one for the team" and that is just not the way to go. Sorry you had that experience. ROYALTIESCMB, you are absolutely right about the trust issue playing a great role in incredible sex, I agree with you! IMAGINEMEANDYOU2, very interesting about the dopamine hangover, had not heard that before, though experienced it(lol), luckily both ways. You brought up some good points as well and ones I had not thought about and may be on to something when saying that it may leave a single person feeling emotionally on empty, after experiencing the incredible engergy, love and trust between a secure couple. CINNER, this is what I had imagined it would be, and should be for couples, adding that "spice" to an already great relationship that "keeps on giving' after the fact as well. This has all been helpful to me in understandng a little more about me. Not only has this been interesting to read, but also given me some insight about what superb people are on this site. Thank you all 
Hi Candeeme!
I would agree with others who have commented here, there are many reasons why you might be experiencing the feelings/emotions/physical stress you're feeling and I think it's worthy to spend some time in reflection and consider exactly why you're feeling this way.
Having been in the lifestyle as a single/couple/married couple at different times I can point to different emotions at different times. I have experienced what you are describing and after careful self examination, I can honestly say that for me it's very simple. The hangover descriptive is closest to what I have experienced. Imagine, there is a Yin and a Yang to everything... meeting people, enjoying company and having sex is an incredible rush, lots of adrenaline and fantastic orgasms lead to a serious natural high -- however, for every high there is an equal low. Add alcohol (a depressive) to the mix and you see where the emotions/physical reaction come from. I have found that when I was with someone (married or bf) I could cuddle up to them, make love and the low simply wasn't all that low. So now, as a single, I'm careful about alcohol consumption and VERY gentle to myself post play.
No guilt. No regrets. No silly complex. It may just be the Yin to your Yang....
Enjoy yourself and be gentle.
-te
I would agree with others who have commented here, there are many reasons why you might be experiencing the feelings/emotions/physical stress you're feeling and I think it's worthy to spend some time in reflection and consider exactly why you're feeling this way.
Having been in the lifestyle as a single/couple/married couple at different times I can point to different emotions at different times. I have experienced what you are describing and after careful self examination, I can honestly say that for me it's very simple. The hangover descriptive is closest to what I have experienced. Imagine, there is a Yin and a Yang to everything... meeting people, enjoying company and having sex is an incredible rush, lots of adrenaline and fantastic orgasms lead to a serious natural high -- however, for every high there is an equal low. Add alcohol (a depressive) to the mix and you see where the emotions/physical reaction come from. I have found that when I was with someone (married or bf) I could cuddle up to them, make love and the low simply wasn't all that low. So now, as a single, I'm careful about alcohol consumption and VERY gentle to myself post play.
No guilt. No regrets. No silly complex. It may just be the Yin to your Yang....
Enjoy yourself and be gentle.
-te
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that (in my opinion) "bummed" may not be the right word to describe the "after" feeling most of us are all too familiar with.
I know in my case, the following day, and for a day or two after, I feel a bit of an emotional "let down".
I think much of it has to do with the closeness and bond we all feel toward one another during play.
It's not ALL just about getting your rocks off, ya know.
Afterward, that closeness - both the physical and emotional attachment, if you will - is gone, and our psyche misses both.
Why are most babies born crying?
It's because they suddenly are taken away from the "closeness" (emotional and physical) to their mother, and are now somewhat deprived of both attachments they've gotten used to.
We play, and we establish a closeness.
When the play is over - so is the closeness.
Granted, there are loners and hermits in this world, but for the most part, we are all social animals in need of one another.
Human emotions (both sexual and non-sexual) - can be very complicated and complex - that's why God created psychiatrists and psychologists.
But if we're going to delve into the so-called "bummed" feeling after, then shouldn't we also explore the reasons behind "horny" before?
Let's face it, sex is much more a pleasure than a survival "need" such as food and water.
But the feeling of "need" for sex can be every bit as intense as the feelings of hunger or thirst.
It all has to be quenched - but why sex?
Sex is NOT a basic need for survival - but it's a need nonetheless - an instinct.
And once that need has been fullfilled, unlike hunger and thirst, an emotional and physical void can later rear its ugly head.
Post sexual trauma syndrome?
Just my humble (layman's) observation.
I know in my case, the following day, and for a day or two after, I feel a bit of an emotional "let down".
I think much of it has to do with the closeness and bond we all feel toward one another during play.
It's not ALL just about getting your rocks off, ya know.
Afterward, that closeness - both the physical and emotional attachment, if you will - is gone, and our psyche misses both.
Why are most babies born crying?
It's because they suddenly are taken away from the "closeness" (emotional and physical) to their mother, and are now somewhat deprived of both attachments they've gotten used to.
We play, and we establish a closeness.
When the play is over - so is the closeness.
Granted, there are loners and hermits in this world, but for the most part, we are all social animals in need of one another.
Human emotions (both sexual and non-sexual) - can be very complicated and complex - that's why God created psychiatrists and psychologists.
But if we're going to delve into the so-called "bummed" feeling after, then shouldn't we also explore the reasons behind "horny" before?
Let's face it, sex is much more a pleasure than a survival "need" such as food and water.
But the feeling of "need" for sex can be every bit as intense as the feelings of hunger or thirst.
It all has to be quenched - but why sex?
Sex is NOT a basic need for survival - but it's a need nonetheless - an instinct.
And once that need has been fullfilled, unlike hunger and thirst, an emotional and physical void can later rear its ugly head.
Post sexual trauma syndrome?
Just my humble (layman's) observation.
I've felt it before too, but it didn't last long before I got back on the horse again. Does that make me a slut? Yeah, probably....
I also get upset after. The next day is like a major low. For me, it is a lot about my disfunctional marriage that is ending and the desire for someone in my life. That being said, I do not want a committment with the people I play with, I am not looking for that at all.
I really enjoy playing, or else I wouldnt be here, and I have never regreted it, its just sort of a reminder about the crap parts of life. When the playing is over I go back to real, boring, life.
I really enjoy playing, or else I wouldnt be here, and I have never regreted it, its just sort of a reminder about the crap parts of life. When the playing is over I go back to real, boring, life.
I know this comment is more "Poly" than swinger, which may be taboo around here, but we've been able to have relationships with others were we've allowed the emotional connection to last outside the bedroom. This can be a little difficult but also very rewarding. There does not have to be "commitment" in the traditional sense of the word for the to be some very special emotional connection. Maybe you should explore the possibilities of making a little bit more of an emotion connection with the right girl, guy or couple.
WOW.. and thinking I was somewhat nervous to post this question here. Thanks you guys for your openness in sharing your personal experiences and thoughts, this is something that I could not get at any Barnes and Nobles, that's for sure! I can relate to many of the things you have said, and i feel that I do have a somewhat emotional connection with some of the people I play with, I almost got to thinking that me feeling this way may have been more of a guilty complex about that of sorts. I had a great conversation with a couple about this last night though, who suggested a book regarding what may have been going on. It's called "After the Ecstasy, the Laundry". Though the title is fitting (lol), it does not refer to the lifestyle but to Monks experiencing euphoria during prayer, etc, and the feelings they experience afterwards, when real life sets in, how that can be a downer etc. I'll read it! xoxo
No pun intented but the only time we regret it is when it wasnt meant to happen in the first place! But because of drinks or WTE it did is when we regret it. Sorry all but it happens more so than not and alot seem to have regrets rather that ectasy! The lifestyle is awesome but some fuck it terribly for others at times!
I think everybody has felt or will feel this at times.... We have noticed it a few times and often it is at the end of a Powell trip, or hotel takeover and it is just the sad realization we are headed home and leaving our friends.
Other times we felt it and did not know why, but actually we have found that there is a correlation to being up late, dehydrated, exhausted and euphoria wearing off. I have had that same feeling without the sex. Not sick, just a bit melancholy.
The important thing I am trying to point out is that one is physical and one is emotional. I think as a single, the emotional piece may be the bigger factor as you don't have a partner in the whole thing. So maybe you should look at the emotional attachment you are feeling and see if that is your problem is you might be getting attached to someone who is unavailable for that kind of attachment. Get your mind set as to what you are looking for with play partners. Having great friends as play partners can help minimize the feeling and for us, it is very much worth taking the time to become good friends with people we like to play with.
Other times we felt it and did not know why, but actually we have found that there is a correlation to being up late, dehydrated, exhausted and euphoria wearing off. I have had that same feeling without the sex. Not sick, just a bit melancholy.
The important thing I am trying to point out is that one is physical and one is emotional. I think as a single, the emotional piece may be the bigger factor as you don't have a partner in the whole thing. So maybe you should look at the emotional attachment you are feeling and see if that is your problem is you might be getting attached to someone who is unavailable for that kind of attachment. Get your mind set as to what you are looking for with play partners. Having great friends as play partners can help minimize the feeling and for us, it is very much worth taking the time to become good friends with people we like to play with.
Lots of great points from all of you. I have definitely taken several pointers and will continue to think about several suggestions shared in response to my initial posting. WOW...and BTW I am feeling great!