So we've been pretty discouraged. A lot because we keep striking out. Due to not fnding the attraction, girls not really being bi, being flaked on, regrettably having to cancel last minute (schedules or babysitters at fault) due to not quite being on the same page. I mean it's life, and we have never put swinging first. Which even if we wanted to now, it would be practically impossible anyway. However, lately, we've started questioning if swinging was ever the right direction we should have stepped in the first place. What we seek seems to be what so many seek. Yet all we hear is that it seems impossible to find. Friends to spend every weekend together. Vacation together. Kids are all friends. Back and forth at each others houses. Date nights together. And when the stars align, amazing sex. Creating new fantasies together and playing them out with the people you trust most. Why is that so hard to find and more so, keep when you do? That doesn't sound like swinging at this point to us.
We are now wondering if polyamory was more of a match for our desires. We aren't talking move our lives in together and become one huge family. But be exclusive with another couple, maybe two even though finding one alone is like finding the pot at the end of the rainbow, and literally enjoying life with another family, with the checklist of the above activities. Sharing new jobs, promotions, life changes and growth. Is this what people are looking for but are afraid of the definition of polyamorous destroying the possibility? Is swinging easier? Has anyone else actually tried to move on to a poly relationship? Can it be done casually without forcing or expectations? Not talking long term swinging either which is when you are mostly with another couple but leave the door cracked for one nighters or something "better" to come along. If so, can anyone direct us where you went cause we are sick of not getting anywhere in this state for swinging. And to clarify, it was not this damn difficult when we lived in Vegas. We had a few long term swinging situations over the many years (14 as of now) being involved in the LS. Or maybe we have just evolved and our views have changed? What are your thoughts? How long have you been a swinger and has your idea of what swinging was early on to now changed? Do you feel polyamorous and swinging can be close enough to start with one and become the other?
We are now wondering if polyamory was more of a match for our desires. We aren't talking move our lives in together and become one huge family. But be exclusive with another couple, maybe two even though finding one alone is like finding the pot at the end of the rainbow, and literally enjoying life with another family, with the checklist of the above activities. Sharing new jobs, promotions, life changes and growth. Is this what people are looking for but are afraid of the definition of polyamorous destroying the possibility? Is swinging easier? Has anyone else actually tried to move on to a poly relationship? Can it be done casually without forcing or expectations? Not talking long term swinging either which is when you are mostly with another couple but leave the door cracked for one nighters or something "better" to come along. If so, can anyone direct us where you went cause we are sick of not getting anywhere in this state for swinging. And to clarify, it was not this damn difficult when we lived in Vegas. We had a few long term swinging situations over the many years (14 as of now) being involved in the LS. Or maybe we have just evolved and our views have changed? What are your thoughts? How long have you been a swinger and has your idea of what swinging was early on to now changed? Do you feel polyamorous and swinging can be close enough to start with one and become the other?
My two cents? Swinging is easier because it ostensibly doesn't include the deep emotions and feelings that can, in some cases, threaten the primary relationship. That doesn't mean that those feelings can't or don't happen in swinging, just that it's less likely.
Poly...REAL poly, is a very different animal and, once past the initial getting-know-you period, usually DOES include those emotions. And, as you mentioned, can even include shared living arrangements.
Either one is advanced, hardcore, relationship stuff better left to those who go in with eyes wide open and who have impeccable communication skills. We've see, a LOT of relationships and marriages crash and burn during our tenure in the lifestyle and quite a few, though not all, stemmed from people catching feelings and/or thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
To my ear, what you're describing isn't really a poly situation at all but just a really good lifestyle connection that evolves into a really great deep and long-term friendship to go along with the sex. And it's absolutely possible for you to find that kind of connection even though it's quite rare. Sustaining such a relationship, however, for a long period of time, imo, is much more difficult. But it's possible.
We actually found a situation similar to what you're describing a number of years ago and it was wonderful and exciting and heady and fulfilling for a few years...until it started to unravel and then it crashed and burned spectacularly. We would be happy to tell you more about it but not on an open forum.
The 'Doers
Poly...REAL poly, is a very different animal and, once past the initial getting-know-you period, usually DOES include those emotions. And, as you mentioned, can even include shared living arrangements.
Either one is advanced, hardcore, relationship stuff better left to those who go in with eyes wide open and who have impeccable communication skills. We've see, a LOT of relationships and marriages crash and burn during our tenure in the lifestyle and quite a few, though not all, stemmed from people catching feelings and/or thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
To my ear, what you're describing isn't really a poly situation at all but just a really good lifestyle connection that evolves into a really great deep and long-term friendship to go along with the sex. And it's absolutely possible for you to find that kind of connection even though it's quite rare. Sustaining such a relationship, however, for a long period of time, imo, is much more difficult. But it's possible.
We actually found a situation similar to what you're describing a number of years ago and it was wonderful and exciting and heady and fulfilling for a few years...until it started to unravel and then it crashed and burned spectacularly. We would be happy to tell you more about it but not on an open forum.
The 'Doers
I really like your two cents. And agree. And a lot of what you have said is a lot of what we've discussed. This has been something we've been weighing on for a while now. And if we knew then the things we know now, we would be in a multiple person relationship, shared living and all. Which is what has us questing this all in the first place. I think at the end of the day, we are just trying to figure out where we are with it all and how we want to move forward. I mean this all started in the first place because I, mrs, wanted a girlfriend. I didnt know at 19 what that meant since i was mostly sheltered growing up and i was now married to a man. So while weve had these conversations and learning more about being poly, we both wondered if it was something that every crossed anyone else's mind in the LS. Swinging has changed so much from tossing your keys in a bowl at a party to what it is today so we figured it was plausible that our thoughts were shared with others.
To add, we have seen many relationships along the way crash and burn as well. From cheating (why) to feelings and greener grass on the other side situations. Thankfully we've always been on the same side. And over tha years, we do tend to take a step back. More often than not lately which is what brought up ideas of change or if maybe for us personally, we may be in the wrong place. It's been even hard to find friends since moving here. It's like weve been told what we want to hear. what matches our profile but ends up being nothing like we were told. That alone is discouraging. Why lie to get somewhere that isnt going to end up anywhere you're hoping in the first place. We stick around because we dont like to give up. We tend to fight for what we want. But when is enough enough and time to move on? Time to change direction? No one can obviously answer that but us. But as I mentioned, are we alone with those thoughts?
Evildoers, I wouldn't mind hearing more about your situation. I've seen you mention before i think. If it's the same couple/relationship/situation.
We just sort of keep an open mind and think that if we just truly be ourselves, and the people we meet just be their true selves, that the relationship will flow in what ever direction it should. We address our thoughts on swinging and polyamory in our profile as follows:
"If you are busy with family and other ongoing demands on your time, and you cannot dedicate a large portion of your time to swinging, but you still want the time you do spend to be meaningful, erotic, pleasurable and satisfying, to the point it absolutely delights you we understand where you are coming from. We enjoy friendship and we enjoy sex. We can become friends and even good friends, and we can have sex without requiring that we all completely build our lives on the friendship. If we are brave and curious and we take a chance and trust each other enough to become intimate, and we all begin honestly and remain honest, the relationship will just naturally flow where it should. We may enjoy a hot and steamy orgasmic episode or series of episodes together, or we may find we all decide to take the time, to make the time to see each other quite often or even always. Such is the adventure, mystery, wonder, and joy that stands before us. Nothing ventured nothing gained. It must flow naturally! We all have boundaries and yet joy can still be boundless within them.
A lot of people spend their whole lives looking for an enduring romance and never finding one. So, we know we are already lucky, lucky, lucky! We already have that together. We are aware that love is infinite, and you can romantically love more than one person, but it just must happen naturally. Love and or commitment can neither be forced or repressed for it to be beautiful and lasting. Romance, as is the case with all other forms of love, is expansive, and yes when we really connect, we will feel something special for our lovers; but our romance together has been expanding for decades, so it is center stage. We are really a tightly bonded pair. We love poly people and we understand polyamory, but we seem to behave naturally more like we are poly light. At least so far in this adventure. Does that make sense? Basically, we can enjoy, intense mind and body connections, with our lovers, without jealousy, or fear; and without it creating any problems with our romance together as a couple. We trust each other! If we end up having intense feelings, and connections, we are totally cool with that! That has, could, and should be beautiful! It should flow that way naturally. It cannot be forced or feigned. But know this. If you are sort of, mostly, or only, looking for casual sexual connections, hell yes, we are interested in that too. FUCK YES! We love those sorts of connections! We love recreational sex! No, you don't have to call us in the morning, unless you want to! If we all communicate honestly, all along the way, we can make whatever we share together wonderful."
Obviously, if there is chemistry, attraction and trust recreational sex is easier to find and probably more frequently going to happen.
"If you are busy with family and other ongoing demands on your time, and you cannot dedicate a large portion of your time to swinging, but you still want the time you do spend to be meaningful, erotic, pleasurable and satisfying, to the point it absolutely delights you we understand where you are coming from. We enjoy friendship and we enjoy sex. We can become friends and even good friends, and we can have sex without requiring that we all completely build our lives on the friendship. If we are brave and curious and we take a chance and trust each other enough to become intimate, and we all begin honestly and remain honest, the relationship will just naturally flow where it should. We may enjoy a hot and steamy orgasmic episode or series of episodes together, or we may find we all decide to take the time, to make the time to see each other quite often or even always. Such is the adventure, mystery, wonder, and joy that stands before us. Nothing ventured nothing gained. It must flow naturally! We all have boundaries and yet joy can still be boundless within them.
A lot of people spend their whole lives looking for an enduring romance and never finding one. So, we know we are already lucky, lucky, lucky! We already have that together. We are aware that love is infinite, and you can romantically love more than one person, but it just must happen naturally. Love and or commitment can neither be forced or repressed for it to be beautiful and lasting. Romance, as is the case with all other forms of love, is expansive, and yes when we really connect, we will feel something special for our lovers; but our romance together has been expanding for decades, so it is center stage. We are really a tightly bonded pair. We love poly people and we understand polyamory, but we seem to behave naturally more like we are poly light. At least so far in this adventure. Does that make sense? Basically, we can enjoy, intense mind and body connections, with our lovers, without jealousy, or fear; and without it creating any problems with our romance together as a couple. We trust each other! If we end up having intense feelings, and connections, we are totally cool with that! That has, could, and should be beautiful! It should flow that way naturally. It cannot be forced or feigned. But know this. If you are sort of, mostly, or only, looking for casual sexual connections, hell yes, we are interested in that too. FUCK YES! We love those sorts of connections! We love recreational sex! No, you don't have to call us in the morning, unless you want to! If we all communicate honestly, all along the way, we can make whatever we share together wonderful."
Obviously, if there is chemistry, attraction and trust recreational sex is easier to find and probably more frequently going to happen.
I love it. And agree. We are extremely lucky to be at the level of love and trust we have with each other. Weve been through so much. And weve grown so much together and have only gotten stronger. For me, it's more of like when you have kids. You love them and then iou have another and the love for the first one somehow grows too and just makes the love for the second seem above and beyond. My husband is an amazing man. And to share our life experiences with friends who we love at that level seems euphoric.
There are plenty of couples who mix poly and swinging ("swoly"). Most of our circle of close friends do! I don't know if you'll find many couples who are interested in being EXCLUSIVE... That definitely moves toward the poly end of the spectrum and away from swinging. But most poly people aren't interested in exclusivity either. Not to mention, it is VERY hard to line up 4 people that way!
But there are plenty of folks around who look for deep and lasting friendships--AND love to play with their friends! (Even if it's a very small percentage of the folks you'll meet!)
But there are plenty of folks around who look for deep and lasting friendships--AND love to play with their friends! (Even if it's a very small percentage of the folks you'll meet!)
Not the poly people we know or have learned about through friends who are poly. It's usually found in threes but it is exclusive non monogamy. Where you are in a relationship with multiple people but strictly those people. There are poly people who play the field as with monogamous people. I thinks fairly equal across the board. But weve never heard of swoly. Interesting. And agreed, 4 is hard regardless which is why typically you dont find often many couples who become serious with a couple. The relationship grows by 1 at a time from what weve been seeing [in true, strictly polyamorous relationships] It's also different weve noticed depending on where you are and society. Vegas is much different than SLC. Maybe that would change opinions and views. Location. Unless we just see things differently because somehow we got lucky while there and it always worked out? Who knows. But we appreciate everyone's views and opinions
My two cents to add onto what the Doers spoke to. When my wife and I started in the LS it was swinging that turned into a poly relationship. This relationship lasted a year before it all went bad and everyone got divorced. The couple we were in a relationship with figured out a way to mend their relationship but my ex wife and I did not. Having friends who swing is far better in my opinion because you get to keep the passion and excitement that comes with the LS but have time alone with your significant other to share, reminisce, and strengthen your relationship. Not to mention it's much more difficult to engage and enjoy the LS being single. Good luck on your journey, but together you'll make the best decision.
Yes, I spent a few years in an exclusive triad. And my other half spent a few in an exclusive quad. It happens. But among the poly people I’ve met... (at least a couple hundred) I can count those exclusive relationships on my fingers. Many of the local poly peeps will actually take an attitude if you are in a closed triad or quad. (Apparently you aren’t poly’ing properly.) And they are often similarly intolerant of swinging. But there’s a huge poly crowd here. Just look for Utah polyamory society on fb.
In terms of location, yes, in my experience slc is much worse when it comes to finding substantive non-monogamous connections. I’ve lived in Illinois, Guam, Minneapolis, Tulsa, Nashville...I hate to say it, but in my experience, slc is the least friendly and most shallow of any of them. Sadly.
In terms of location, yes, in my experience slc is much worse when it comes to finding substantive non-monogamous connections. I’ve lived in Illinois, Guam, Minneapolis, Tulsa, Nashville...I hate to say it, but in my experience, slc is the least friendly and most shallow of any of them. Sadly.
I think ultimately labeling things can kind of ruin them.
We have also questioned the lifestyle. For us we thought the swapping and watching each other fuck other people would be hot. It is a true fantasy and it is something we both like watching on porn. But that, and real life, and the connections, mishaps, miscommunication, complication with attractiveness among 4 people, and the biggest reason, when playing with other couples it feels like our relationship is empty. If we are both fucking other people why not be living the poly life or having secret lovers cause ultimately that's what it feels like to us. That's where we had an eye opener. We feel distant from each other when we swing. Soft swaps not so much but our top priority now kind of leans on finding a single woman or a single guy and kinda sticking together and playing together is what gets us the most excited and fulfills that need for excitement. We have found whats right for some isn't right for everyone but that's where we stand. Love the idea or watching people swap, but reality of it is with us is it seems like we are distant from each other. Soft swaps can be fun and hot but love threesomes either way.
We have found that when it comes to swinging, we enjoy singles more than couples or hallpasses. Which we havent done a lot of because we havent gotten to a level of comfort that we need, to lend each other out so to speak. But for us, the closeness of a threesome is amazing. Some how even that is not as simple to find. But we also thrive on reconnecting after separate encounters. Be it fucking or making love or just teasing, giving those details to each other and seeing the other get physically excited. That's one thing we have enjoyed greatly while doing this. When we feel that we are aimlessly looking for someone to do said things with, we usually step back and take a break. If it becomes so exhausting to look, we dont want it to feel forced once and if found. But like you said, to watch their own. This lifestyle means different to each person and there is nothing wrong with that.
I have always wanted to be exclusive with another couple or have a third in our relationship. I was a third when I was single and it was amazing but as it seems to happen often one got jealous and it ended very abruptly and I was very hurt by it. Doesn't stop me from wanting to try again because there were so many things I enjoyed about it. I think what your looking for can happen but it takes a lot of work to get there.
If you're going to get into polyamory, get some good therapy. It'll probably bring up feelings about yourself and your spouse you didn't realize were present.
We hate the whole,dating concept and would love to have a sexual couple we could share time with. It’s not so much about becoming emotionally attached but feeling comfortable doing whatever when we’re togehter without issues or drama.