You're probably not alone.
When you make a mistake and others don’t forgive you for it.
It can definitely be treading new ground. We had some misteps starting out. At the beginning we had to work through some trust issues but we overcame them. The thing about this lifestyle is it really refines your feelings with your spouse. A lot of people can't deal with it and it ends up being bad for their marriage. For others it enriches it,,,which is why it's so confusing to most people why people open up their marriage lol.
My main insecurity right now is: Fearing that most judge singles guys as "all the same!" Feeling judged as though ... what do I do = judge back. Hmmm, judgments are so crippling 
Saying something stupid to mess up a good thing. I'm great at doing it. Typically, if it's on my mind, I say it before thinking about potential consequences. The term "swingtard" is what it's been referred to before. Either that or my pictures are so deceiving that even what was thought as a great connection wasn't and I'm not as "sexy", "good", or whatever else im told during the get to know you stage, as I thought. Makes trying again harder each time I manage to say something I apparently shouldn't. -mrs.(current situation)
Whether there will be a comfortable and exciting connection when we meet someone. Whether or not we all connect and that there is some balance in attraction and chemistry. Certainly, we hope to not be the weak link in the connection, individually or as a couple.
Our biggest problem is the last three times we were with couples, one half of the couple could not or did not want to be there leading to performance problems. It made the Mrs. feel very bad and for no reason. She is a sex pot with a great body and mad skills. So we have retired for the most part. Don't get me wrong we have had some amazing experiences over the years, it just feels like the whole culture has changed for the worse.
***what the heck happened to the start of this thread? but anyway...***
NO No no no No NO NO!!!!!!!!!! I SOOOOOO disagree with this! OK, ya did say that it was the last THREE times, which seems excessive. But still .... you end with the statement "the whole culture has changed?" This just doesn't seem like a culture issue. And if you can REALLY tell that the male half didn't want to be there then, for sure, I could see being discouraged. But here's, perhaps, why I really object to this:
My husband. I adore the man. But Doctors "treated" him for prostate cancer. Messed his sexual health up BIG time. Probably the main reason we gave up playing together (as a team!) with other folks or with other folks around. He can be totally turned on .... and rock hard .... and then it'll just deflate. Nothing he can do -- he's still turned on but can't do anything about it. Or it'll come up only half way. Don't get me wrong -- he'll resort to other skills to get me off -- but I can see the frustration in his eyes. And to have that happen in front of other people? And then be judged for it? Yeah, can you see why it might APPEAR that he doesn't want to be there? But it has nothing to do with the woman he's with? The way you speak of a man who is having ED issues seems pretty judgmental. Sometimes it's not all about you or your wife.
Sometimes ya gotta give a guy a break -- push for him to compensate through other means, give him a chance. The last time this happened to my husband was during a threesome with another guy. The other fella had romped my bones pretty darn well but I never did climax before he finished off. So hubby went to climb aboard -- and immediately lost his erection. I could see he was becoming mortified and I wasn't gonna allow it. So I pushed him down on his back and sat on his face, telling him "Oh no you don't, you're NOT getting out of getting me off, Eat that freshly f'.........." well, you get the idea, I let loose with some REALLY naughty talk (which he definitely likes!). He recovered enough for me to encourage him to jack off (I helped, when I could!) as he went to town on me. I came, he came, we all came (damn, ain't that just grand, sounds like lyrics for a song!).
Point is, it'd been easy for me to judge right then. The other fella was built WAY bigger than my husband -- maybe my husband being wimpy and was intimidated. Maybe he doesn't find me sexy anymore. Maybe he's gone all gay and really wanted to make it with the other guy. Maybe [fill in the blank here]. But who the hell cares. My judgement of him at that point would probably have had more to do with my own insecurities than anything else.
Sometimes, it's just best to let it go and not worry -- have fun -- keep things light -- it's just not that important. But I do agree. If you can't keep it light-hearted and fun, it probably IS time to quit.
Sheesh, sorry, I seem to have let loose with another rant on this board!! I'll try to tone it down! Good luck though, Whiskey_Girl, and I hope you're still having fun even if it's exclusively with each other!
Whiskey_Girl wrote:
Our biggest problem is the last three times we were with couples, one half of the couple could not or did not want to be there leading to performance problems. It made the Mrs. feel very bad and for no reason. She is a sex pot with a great body and mad skills. So we have retired for the most part. Don't get me wrong we have had some amazing experiences over the years, it just feels like the whole culture has changed for the worse.
NO No no no No NO NO!!!!!!!!!! I SOOOOOO disagree with this! OK, ya did say that it was the last THREE times, which seems excessive. But still .... you end with the statement "the whole culture has changed?" This just doesn't seem like a culture issue. And if you can REALLY tell that the male half didn't want to be there then, for sure, I could see being discouraged. But here's, perhaps, why I really object to this:
My husband. I adore the man. But Doctors "treated" him for prostate cancer. Messed his sexual health up BIG time. Probably the main reason we gave up playing together (as a team!) with other folks or with other folks around. He can be totally turned on .... and rock hard .... and then it'll just deflate. Nothing he can do -- he's still turned on but can't do anything about it. Or it'll come up only half way. Don't get me wrong -- he'll resort to other skills to get me off -- but I can see the frustration in his eyes. And to have that happen in front of other people? And then be judged for it? Yeah, can you see why it might APPEAR that he doesn't want to be there? But it has nothing to do with the woman he's with? The way you speak of a man who is having ED issues seems pretty judgmental. Sometimes it's not all about you or your wife.
Sometimes ya gotta give a guy a break -- push for him to compensate through other means, give him a chance. The last time this happened to my husband was during a threesome with another guy. The other fella had romped my bones pretty darn well but I never did climax before he finished off. So hubby went to climb aboard -- and immediately lost his erection. I could see he was becoming mortified and I wasn't gonna allow it. So I pushed him down on his back and sat on his face, telling him "Oh no you don't, you're NOT getting out of getting me off, Eat that freshly f'.........." well, you get the idea, I let loose with some REALLY naughty talk (which he definitely likes!). He recovered enough for me to encourage him to jack off (I helped, when I could!) as he went to town on me. I came, he came, we all came (damn, ain't that just grand, sounds like lyrics for a song!).
Point is, it'd been easy for me to judge right then. The other fella was built WAY bigger than my husband -- maybe my husband being wimpy and was intimidated. Maybe he doesn't find me sexy anymore. Maybe he's gone all gay and really wanted to make it with the other guy. Maybe [fill in the blank here]. But who the hell cares. My judgement of him at that point would probably have had more to do with my own insecurities than anything else.
Sometimes, it's just best to let it go and not worry -- have fun -- keep things light -- it's just not that important. But I do agree. If you can't keep it light-hearted and fun, it probably IS time to quit.
Sheesh, sorry, I seem to have let loose with another rant on this board!! I'll try to tone it down! Good luck though, Whiskey_Girl, and I hope you're still having fun even if it's exclusively with each other!
PALS4FUN
Not my point..I understand ED and possibly being intimated. The point is the male half seemed to be dragged into the situation. And yes we did try a second time with all three. Just takes a lot of time and time that could be spent elsewhere. We have been in the LS for over 20 years and recently lets say the last two years its been hard to find genuine couples that like to flirt and follow through. Most couples are new to the LS and are not ready to commit. Geez I think I answered my own question LOL
And yes we have fun beyond belief together and we have an occasional adventure with other couples, but its usually a spontaneous situation not planned.
Not my point..I understand ED and possibly being intimated. The point is the male half seemed to be dragged into the situation. And yes we did try a second time with all three. Just takes a lot of time and time that could be spent elsewhere. We have been in the LS for over 20 years and recently lets say the last two years its been hard to find genuine couples that like to flirt and follow through. Most couples are new to the LS and are not ready to commit. Geez I think I answered my own question LOL
And yes we have fun beyond belief together and we have an occasional adventure with other couples, but its usually a spontaneous situation not planned.
Personally I think all should want to be there. If one isn't into it then it shouldn't happen. Regardless of the situation or what you're into, no one should just take one for the team. If one person is having a great time and one isn't then maybe it's time to talk and re-evaluate. Maybe it's a little different for those into one-off encounters or short term friends with benefits - maybe theres a appropriate amount of trade off with that - but in dating or long term friendships, taking one for the team would suck.
I have to agree with Pals4Fun, medical issues can be very frustrating for the person experiencing them. It is one of the main reasons we are lurkers on this site, but not active swingers. I applaud the efforts of anyone that has these kinds of issues and is still willing to put themselves out there to play, and I agree that nobody should look at these types of issues as meaning that the person is not wanting to be there.
Now I know that it's a hit to some peoples ego when not every cock in the room stands at attention when they walk in, but unless the person actually tells you verbally, it doesn't mean your not sexy to them, I can be amazingly aroused and horny as hell, but my schlong can still be the floppiest shlort you've ever seen... And no amount of manipulation, medication, or mental masturbation helps the aforementioned situation. This is when my liberal application of my credit card to Amazon's Sexual Wellness Store saves me from humiliation, I grab a tool from my nightstand drawer and the Hitachi Magic Wand and tell the person about to receive that I'm really wanting to experience their full satisfaction first, and I go to town making sure they won't be able to walk or speak a coherent sentence for the next few hours......
Now I know that it's a hit to some peoples ego when not every cock in the room stands at attention when they walk in, but unless the person actually tells you verbally, it doesn't mean your not sexy to them, I can be amazingly aroused and horny as hell, but my schlong can still be the floppiest shlort you've ever seen... And no amount of manipulation, medication, or mental masturbation helps the aforementioned situation. This is when my liberal application of my credit card to Amazon's Sexual Wellness Store saves me from humiliation, I grab a tool from my nightstand drawer and the Hitachi Magic Wand and tell the person about to receive that I'm really wanting to experience their full satisfaction first, and I go to town making sure they won't be able to walk or speak a coherent sentence for the next few hours......
Mine is nobody will want to play with me because I am a single male in the lifestyle.
Sammie117 wrote:
Personally I think all should want to be there. If one isn't into it then it shouldn't happen. Regardless of the situation or what you're into, no one should just take one for the team. If one person is having a great time and one isn't then maybe it's time to talk and re-evaluate. Maybe it's a little different for those into one-off encounters or short term friends with benefits - maybe theres a appropriate amount of trade off with that - but in dating or long term friendships, taking one for the team would suck.
I know this girl that is constantly "taking one for the team"........ oops, nope, she's constantly "taking one from the team", and yes she does suck....
STOPHER29 wrote:This cracked me up! My husband has also amassed a small arsenal of tools from the same source that you've suggested. It has been fun seeing how open minded and creative he is. And lest anyone think otherwise, I take darn good care of him as well. Although, ehem, he does kinda spoil me with that hall pass!
... This is when my liberal application of my credit card to Amazon's Sexual Wellness Store saves me from humiliation, I grab a tool from my nightstand drawer and the Hitachi Magic Wand and tell the person about to receive that I'm really wanting to experience their full satisfaction first, and I go to town making sure they won't be able to walk or speak a coherent sentence for the next few hours......
But anyhoo ... sorry to op for drifting. Insecurities? Holy crap, have you seen some of the sexy darn women aroun' these here parts? I hate 'em all!!!
I'm like, "why the hell would her husband want ME when he's already got HER??" I don't think I'm entirely alone in that though, I think a lot of us women are harder on ourselves than is warranted.PALS4FUN wrote:STOPHER29 wrote:This cracked me up! My husband has also amassed a small arsenal of tools from the same source that you've suggested. It has been fun seeing how open minded and creative he is.
... This is when my liberal application of my credit card to Amazon's Sexual Wellness Store saves me from humiliation, I grab a tool from my nightstand drawer and the Hitachi Magic Wand and tell the person about to receive that I'm really wanting to experience their full satisfaction first, and I go to town making sure they won't be able to walk or speak a coherent sentence for the next few hours......
The one thing I can't seem to buy on Amazon, or find a really good realistic recipe for is cum. She likes to feed it to me, and I'm just not producing enough lately. Sometimes we stock pile it in the freezer for a week or two, but it would sure be nice to have a larger supply available....
(And no, most of the "Jizz" style lubes are not edible, and don't really taste like the real thing.)
Rejection is always a concern because it can happen. Wondering how you will measure up to a new playmate's previous encounters is intimidating because you never know if you'll be considered amazing or perfectly average. Put insecurity aside, be confident and carry on!
I have two concerns Mrs. 1 my hubby and I are extreme ends of body type. 2 I have a lot of scars that bring me more concerns in this type of situation then just finding a singular sexual partner. My concern is that since it’s is more of a “fantasy” sexual situation that we will have trouble finding a pair that will accept this. I’m I looking for the impossible?
PALS4FUN wrote:
***what the heck happened to the start of this thread? but anyway...***
My husband. I adore the man. But Doctors "treated" him for prostate cancer. Messed his sexual health up BIG time. Probably the main reason we gave up playing together (as a team!) with other folks or with other folks around. He can be totally turned on .... and rock hard .... and then it'll just deflate. Nothing he can do -- he's still turned on but can't do anything about it. Or it'll come up only half way. Don't get me wrong -- he'll resort to other skills to get me off -- but I can see the frustration in his eyes. And to have that happen in front of other people? And then be judged for it? Yeah, can you see why it might APPEAR that he doesn't want to be there? But it has nothing to do with the woman he's with? The way you speak of a man who is having ED issues seems pretty judgmental. Sometimes it's not all about you or your wife.
this right here, I met up with a woman, and I was so tired and overworked, I just couldn't get it up. But I ate her out, and she said it felt fucking amazing, and she's been craving it ever since.
Wow, we aren't alone... 😬
I can say we have had lots of similar experiences. We still find that this lifestyle fits us. We have grown stronger, closer, and communicate our feelings better all the time. Also learning that I (male half) needs more of a sensual connection with the other female half then my wife does with the other male half. It means we have sex differently and can cause problems with others involved. It's not on purpose, I swear! It's just how I am... 😬
I can say we have had lots of similar experiences. We still find that this lifestyle fits us. We have grown stronger, closer, and communicate our feelings better all the time. Also learning that I (male half) needs more of a sensual connection with the other female half then my wife does with the other male half. It means we have sex differently and can cause problems with others involved. It's not on purpose, I swear! It's just how I am... 😬
This has been a great thread and one that has put some "Insecurities" to rest. We all have issues at times and if you don't, your time will come. :P We just all have to keep a good heart and understanding and for the couples, lean on each other in times.
This is the Mr.'s 2 cents... Men will have troubles sooner or later. It happens. Don't let it get you down. Think of it as a challenge. Go get the hollow strap on and give the ladies in your life the extra large stiff one, or the remote controlled vibrating panties, or learn to say the alphabet while eating your out with the occassional hard suck on the clit. Learn and adapt.
Women, if a man has issues or I think I read about woman being so beautiful and why would the man want me with that beauty around.. I am also a photographer and if one thing I know... men are visual and LIKE/LOVE/NEED/DESIRE to look. My wife is one of the sexiest creatures to me... but that does not stop me from getting women nekkid in front of my camera and creating sexy, beautiful works of art. I LOVE to look. That is in a man's nature and probably in a woman's nature too if they think about it.
As for insecurities of ones body type... Everyone has their preferences and society does have a lot to do with said preferences... But no matter what type you are... there is someone out there that is totally attracted to your body. That too is nature. We are all different.
Ok, that felt good and maybe it will help someone out in the long run... or maybe it was just an old chrome biker letting out a lot of hot exhaust?!?!?
We are excited to get out as a couple and meet some of you in person. Maybe friendship, maybe FWB, maybe more. Who knows.
P&J
This is the Mr.'s 2 cents... Men will have troubles sooner or later. It happens. Don't let it get you down. Think of it as a challenge. Go get the hollow strap on and give the ladies in your life the extra large stiff one, or the remote controlled vibrating panties, or learn to say the alphabet while eating your out with the occassional hard suck on the clit. Learn and adapt.
Women, if a man has issues or I think I read about woman being so beautiful and why would the man want me with that beauty around.. I am also a photographer and if one thing I know... men are visual and LIKE/LOVE/NEED/DESIRE to look. My wife is one of the sexiest creatures to me... but that does not stop me from getting women nekkid in front of my camera and creating sexy, beautiful works of art. I LOVE to look. That is in a man's nature and probably in a woman's nature too if they think about it.
As for insecurities of ones body type... Everyone has their preferences and society does have a lot to do with said preferences... But no matter what type you are... there is someone out there that is totally attracted to your body. That too is nature. We are all different.
Ok, that felt good and maybe it will help someone out in the long run... or maybe it was just an old chrome biker letting out a lot of hot exhaust?!?!?
We are excited to get out as a couple and meet some of you in person. Maybe friendship, maybe FWB, maybe more. Who knows.
P&J
“Grower, not a show-er”, we aren’t perfectly thin which a lot of people in this lifestyle seem to be after
It has been interesting to see different insecurities come and go since we have been in the LS. Some of the things I (Mr.) felt would be huge have turned out to be less so. I think the one which will never go away is the insecurity of being rejected when you feel there is a connection and a true friendship developing and there something changes and it is over.
I don't want to start a debate about the reasoning of why it happens because there are tons of valid reasons and I understand it, doesn't mean we like it and feel bad when it happens.
I don't want to start a debate about the reasoning of why it happens because there are tons of valid reasons and I understand it, doesn't mean we like it and feel bad when it happens.
I haven't any. I love all body styles, am not camera shy, no proformance issues in front of hubby or others and am bi comfortable.
We're worried that people will find out that we're actually Reptilians (the lizard overlords who secretly run the New World Order from our secret lair at the center of the earth) and that we're here to mate with humans and inject our DNA into the human genome so that we can take over the earth. It's very stressful trying to not eat flies and stuff when we go out for drinks with people. 
HUMMINGBIRD wrote:
Hey evildoers..... I know where ya can get some flies! just sayin
But are they FRESH flies? SO hard to find fresh flies in Utah this time of year. And I don't like the taste of Birdseye Frozen Flies. They just don't taste the same.
Its not unreasonable to have insecurities when you first start out. The trick is how to overcome them so you can move on to the fun stuff. We both realized that our experiences with couples was going to be different for each partner and we have accepted that. Of course if its really a bad experience for either one of us we probably dont do it again. If you can learn to laugh at any situation and not judge it and not take things too seriously then you wont get offended and your insecurities are minimized. It easier said than done but having that mind set really helps.
Mine are that my guy will end up enjoying someone else more and not want me the same anymore.
EVILDOERS wrote:weird, this is exactly our concern too. who knew?
We're worried that people will find out that we're actually Reptilians (the lizard overlords who secretly run the New World Order from our secret lair at the center of the earth) and that we're here to mate with humans and inject our DNA into the human genome so that we can take over the earth. It's very stressful trying to not eat flies and stuff when we go out for drinks with people.
Probably for the two of us it's our ages and how that may affect our sex appeal and just below that our lack of consistent availability. if you fill up your life with positives, like starting a family, those positives eventually fill up your life so much that you just don't have much time left for swinging. If you live a life where there is so much positive opportunity and companionship, and not enough time for everything you might want to do then you are lucky. We are lucky! Swingers often want playmates that they can see weekly. That's not something we can promise.
Our main one as noobs is rejection and drama. Yes it's part of any relationship, but it's still there. We aren't fit, we are a typical middle aged couple with kids. We are also only looking to take it slow and start with soft swap. We were on before and meet a few people that were very aggressive or mad when we didn't want to have sex after a 5 min conversation with just the guy. We understand not everyone will be attracted to everyone or want just a soft swing, but it's still our biggest insecurity.
[quote=CypherandCeli]Our main one as noobs is rejection and drama. Yes it's part of any relationship, but it's still there. We aren't fit, we are a typical middle aged couple with kids. We are also only looking to take it slow and start with soft swap. We were on before and meet a few people that were very aggressive or mad when we didn't want to have sex after a 5 min conversation with just the guy. We understand not everyone will be attracted to everyone or want just a soft swing, but it's still our biggest insecurity. [/quote
Soft swing, to us, is a warm comforting security blanket, that eliminates all sorts of issues. Who doesn't want to cuddle up, enveloped in the security of the one they love the most? No swing, same room, no sexual contact with anyone but your spouse even more so. Really, it eliminates a lot of potential anxiety. It is a lot of fun too! There are a lot of seasoned swingers that totally understand where you are. Full swap, group play, and such are absolutely fantastic when everyone involved is ready, attracted, there is chemistry, and everyone wholeheartedly wants to do it. Our experience is that quite often the pushy side of a couple's equation is just as insensitive toward their significant other as they are toward you.
Soft swing, to us, is a warm comforting security blanket, that eliminates all sorts of issues. Who doesn't want to cuddle up, enveloped in the security of the one they love the most? No swing, same room, no sexual contact with anyone but your spouse even more so. Really, it eliminates a lot of potential anxiety. It is a lot of fun too! There are a lot of seasoned swingers that totally understand where you are. Full swap, group play, and such are absolutely fantastic when everyone involved is ready, attracted, there is chemistry, and everyone wholeheartedly wants to do it. Our experience is that quite often the pushy side of a couple's equation is just as insensitive toward their significant other as they are toward you.
EVILDOERS wrote:
We're worried that people will find out that we're actually Reptilians (the lizard overlords who secretly run the New World Order from our secret lair at the center of the earth) and that we're here to mate with humans and inject our DNA into the human genome so that we can take over the earth. It's very stressful trying to not eat flies and stuff when we go out for drinks with people.
Evil is that picture current? I think you may have put on a pound or two since you shed that skin?