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Swingers Forum - Opening your marriage

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How did you first bring up the idea of opening up your marriage? For us, there were hints and joking about the idea for some time before we sat down and talked about the idea. It seemed like fun and we knew our relationship was strong so we decided to see what’s out there. We kind of developed what we wanted along the way. That was a few years ago but it’s fun to hear others’ experiences.

What has been everyone else’s experience?
For us it was easier that way. We started out just wanting to be swingers, but with family it was easier for us to play separate. Plus male half travels a lot to. And, we always liked hearing the stories from one another about other people we had been with before we were married.
You can't force attraction or a connection. When, how and with who it happens is unpredictable. There are lot of single people, who have no familial or social constraints out in the world actively looking for a great romantic connection. It isn't all that easy. Those of us with that in our lives are quite fortunate. For us, after years of success and happiness together we know our relationship is pretty center stage. We love and trust each other. There isn't anything forced or feigned. We enjoy casual, or for lack of a better term, recreational sex. We love those sorts of hook ups! But even then, there has to be something beyond just physical attraction for that to happen. We have no interest in dishonest, angry, selfish sorts of people, with a sexual chip on their shoulder, even if they are really good looking. If, either one of us ends up feeling a ton of chemistry, for someone we meet, we are okay with that too. If you are a family person, you already know that you can and will love a lot of people with all your heart and soul. The idea that someone who loves you deeply, and romantically, would love you any less, just because they love another romantically at the same time may have a lot to do with social constraints and taboos. Our experience is that 99.9% of the truly polyamorous people we know, in reality, have one really strong pair bond, and nothing and nobody ever seems to quite equal, or endure, like that one hot romance, even though the possibility door is wide open. It is not because it's wrong or unnatural. It is just hard to find or equal that kind of love. Especially when it has been years in the making.
Sammie117 wrote:

How did you first bring up the idea of opening up your marriage? For us, there were hints and joking about the idea for some time before we sat down and talked about the idea. It seemed like fun and we knew our relationship was strong so we decided to see what’s out there. We kind of developed what we wanted along the way. That was a few years ago but it’s fun to hear others’ experiences.

What has been everyone else’s experience?


Once the naughty bedroom talk got to a certain point and we were actually having group sex dreams...we started considering it. Then later a couple invited us to their house and that caused us to really decide! Were we going to just fantasize or play?!?
We talk about it from time to time and her eyes light up then says not sure. Gently encouraging but not pushing her. I want her to feel safe and get off the fence and on a cock or 2.
We had both had limited experience in past relationships. Coming into our relationship there was brutally refreshing honesty and security.

As we talked about past encounters, although not ideal, we both realized it was something we enjoyed. As time went on talk became pillow talk became fantasy became exploration. We’re both still kind of amazed at how liberating yet connecting it can be.

If sexuality is a concert we feel like we belong to the limited few that have backstage passes. We get to see sexuality for what it really is not what the masses see. And it is so much more than finding a fantasy fuck, or trying a new position, it’s about seeing all facets of sex.

I think when we actually went down this road it was when we realized it was because we were not fillin a void but augmenting an already fantastic relationship.
Thanks to everyone who posted. It’s not easy to know how to ease into it. Lots of barriers for some and less for others, but it seems like most of you were either wired similarly or had very good communication, carefully easing into it. Is it better to start with discussing the fantasy or just sitting down and opening up about it? I realize it’s different for everyone, but would love others input.
Although most of you had similar experiances in communication and openness toward your significant other as we did. We had the hurdle of the religious closed mindedness of our upbringing to overcome.
We have been married for 24 years. About 15 years ago we both really wanted to experiance a nude outing. We went to a hotsprings in Colorado that was advertised as clothing optional. We were both nervous but after a full weekend of being nude and in front of total strangers. We decided that the upbringing we were raised under wasn't right for us. We frequented the hot springs in Colorado and made great long lasting friendships in the nude.
The conversations between us evolved from making friends in the nude to making friends that we could fall in love with as a couple. Our bond was and is strong as a pair and we both wanted to experience sharing our love with another couple.

We have been lucky and have learned to rely on each others intuition and we know fairly quickly when we meet another couple if they are right or not for us.
Since being in the lifestyle we have grown ever more so close but my favorite part is to see how much my wife's inner strength/personality/esteem have grown and her real self is out and she knows she can be herself and not hold back.
It was pretty much a mutual idea. We both grew up in very strict religious (Yes, Mormon.) households. We took each other's virginity on our wedding night after a rather weird ceremony in the temple. Immediately we decided that we REALLY liked sex. We started discussing our fantasies and both wondering what we might have missed out on growing up and not being able to explore sexually like many of our less religious peers.

We also enjoyed reading and telling each other erotic stories in bed. One day a few years after we got married, while living back east, I wandered into an adult bookstore to grab the latest Penthouse Letters and a cheaply printed "magazine" of adult ads for swingers caught my eye. I bought it and took it home. We'd read, of course, about swinging in Penthouse Letters but had never really considered that people actually DID it. Not too long after that, after MUCH fantasizing, we found ourselves parked outside a small house party, chugging Bartles and Jaymes, and daring each other to go in. That was in 1989!
It seems a lot of couples don't really know what they're looking for and typically spend the first year in the lifestyle figuring it out.
I think a LOT OF PEOPLE don’t what they are looking for in their first year.
So when I was super new.. I used to think New is Cool.. it didn’t take long for me to realize new is kinda weird after I had a real life chat with my First Couple.
The one thing that always cross my mind about the NEW couples who has never done MFM is.. what if half way through they decide this SUCK.. gosh, MassageBBCguy don’t want to be in Investigation Discovery. Lol.
Sammie117 wrote:

It seems a lot of couples don't really know what they're looking for and typically spend the first year in the lifestyle figuring it out.


We definitely fell into this category in the beginning. We had no idea what to expect, what we really wanted, or how to go about it. We didn't start out with many rules, but after some trial and error we did end up having to make a couple rules, but still not many. The whole process has been a lot of fun, and I don't think either of us really have any regrets. It can be tiring and draining at times, but we've made some really close friends in this lifestyle that we would never have met otherwise, so for us it was worth it.

To answer the original question, we started out by talking about it as a fantasy. We grew up similar to Evildoers with the Mormon background. One of the Mrs friends started hanging out with us regularly, and over time we started joking about having a threesome. I (Mr) never thought it would actually happen, but one night it did with some prodding by the Mrs. We all had a great time and continued the relationship with her off and on over the next year or two when she wasn't dating anyone. That eventually ended once she met her now husband (who doesn't like us, go figure, lol). We then decided to see what else was out there and branch out to couples. After some searching we found Swingular and started from there.
Like a lot of others, it started with pillow talk; "Would you ever want to try X? Do you ever fantasize about Y?" I (the Mr) asked if I could create an account here just to look around and see what the community was like. I'd sheepishly talk about some things I came across, but it didn't really go anywhere.

What changed things for us was a birthday sex-a-thon where we played a hot round of "Truth or Dare". To my surprise, the Mrs said that she wanted to jump in, head first. So we talked about what we want, the ground rules, etc and then we updated our account.

We've had so much fun so far! But the really interesting thing that's happened is that even though the lifestyle is about bringing others in to your love life, it's brought us so much closer. We can't wait to get home from work to see who's reached out to us. We ask each other, "Oh, they like X. Do you think we'd like that?" and "Do you like him/her? Is that your type?" We're flirting with each other again (and others) and we're genuinely excited to see one another.

In short, it's been so much fun so far and we can't wait to see what's in store for us next!
Follow-up question: who brought it up first? Him or her?
Ours started with a simple declaration, "Damn I'm horny!" Yeah, maybe it wasn't the phrase, maybe it was the timing of it--Right after my husband had romped my bones silly and he was laying back all exhausted and sweaty! I think he was like, "No chit? Holy hell, I think that I'm going to have to enlist some help for this."

Ummm....yeah, that was many years ago. My memory just might be simplifying it a bit! ;)



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What a funny story we have about this!
SOFTNSEXY wrote:

What a funny story we have about this!
that’s what this forum post is for :)