In light of the “Me Too” campaign, have any of the rest of you wondered how the concept applies to the swinging lifestyle? No of course means no. Consent is paramount, in the swinger’s code of ethics, or at least it is supposed to be. Perhaps most of us have struggled a bit, when trying to figure out, if someone we have met, in the lifestyle is just being friendly, or willing and hoping to become sexually intimate. Just honestly ask them would seem the safest approach. We would suspect, that in Hollywood, there is a lot of consensual sex that happens between some of the people involved in the industry. Perhaps, within a more open minded and sexually permissive society, there will always be those who feel that with so many people, who are enjoying all this glorious consensual sex, that the sex should include them too. So they use power and or influence, if they have it, to coerce. Hence their victims now tweet “Me Too.”
With actresses and actors, who often tend to be attractive, certainly there are some who are perhaps more sexually liberal and permissive than others. Permissive, means they still have to give permission. Yes to sex, given under a heavy handed “or else”, with dire consequences, for refusal, is not really joyful consent. We don’t understand why anyone, would feel that sex without a totally willing partner could ever be gratifying.
Within the swinging lifestyle, you would imagine, that the people within the community are quite often sexually permissive. How do we assure, that as members of this community, we do our best to never put undue pressure on anyone, in an attempt to gain permission?
With actresses and actors, who often tend to be attractive, certainly there are some who are perhaps more sexually liberal and permissive than others. Permissive, means they still have to give permission. Yes to sex, given under a heavy handed “or else”, with dire consequences, for refusal, is not really joyful consent. We don’t understand why anyone, would feel that sex without a totally willing partner could ever be gratifying.
Within the swinging lifestyle, you would imagine, that the people within the community are quite often sexually permissive. How do we assure, that as members of this community, we do our best to never put undue pressure on anyone, in an attempt to gain permission?
I could go on for days about the misogyny and objectification I have experienced in the swinger world. I'll try to be concise. Here's a quick guide on how to not be part of the problem at lifestyle events. (And when I say "you" below, I mean everyone)
1) Don't objectify women at every opportunity. If my tits are out, they are not out for you to stare at and make comments on every time you interact with me. They are certainly not out for everyone to touch without permission. They are out because I enjoy being naked. Even when I am naked I am still a strong feminist woman. I am not a toy for your to objectify. Treat me like a human.
2) Ask for what you want. Never presume. Do you want to hug, kiss, touch or fuck me? Ask. It's as simple as that. Here's an example. You: "Can I kiss you?" Me: "Hell yes" See? Easy.
3) If it's not a Hell Yes, it's a Fuck No. If all parties involved do not feel 100% Hell Yes! about the situation, it's a no. I see this a lot in one partner "taking one for the team". That is never ok.
There is more but if everyone would do those 3, swinger events would be vastly improved.
1) Don't objectify women at every opportunity. If my tits are out, they are not out for you to stare at and make comments on every time you interact with me. They are certainly not out for everyone to touch without permission. They are out because I enjoy being naked. Even when I am naked I am still a strong feminist woman. I am not a toy for your to objectify. Treat me like a human.
2) Ask for what you want. Never presume. Do you want to hug, kiss, touch or fuck me? Ask. It's as simple as that. Here's an example. You: "Can I kiss you?" Me: "Hell yes" See? Easy.
3) If it's not a Hell Yes, it's a Fuck No. If all parties involved do not feel 100% Hell Yes! about the situation, it's a no. I see this a lot in one partner "taking one for the team". That is never ok.
There is more but if everyone would do those 3, swinger events would be vastly improved.
Amen Girl!!!!
Our lifestyle is a shared experience, whether it is with our partner or maybe some one new. It is a place to be free and to allow our inner self to be free. Kindness and respect given can be one of the sexiest things there is.
Our lifestyle is a shared experience, whether it is with our partner or maybe some one new. It is a place to be free and to allow our inner self to be free. Kindness and respect given can be one of the sexiest things there is.
WildNomad wrote:
I could go on for days about the misogyny and objectification I have experienced in the swinger world. I'll try to be concise. Here's a quick guide on how to not be part of the problem at lifestyle events. (And when I say "you" below, I mean everyone)
1) Don't objectify women at every opportunity. If my tits are out, they are not out for you to stare at and make comments on every time you interact with me. They are certainly not out for everyone to touch without permission. They are out because I enjoy being naked. Even when I am naked I am still a strong feminist woman. I am not a toy for your to objectify. Treat me like a human.
2) Ask for what you want. Never presume. Do you want to hug, kiss, touch or fuck me? Ask. It's as simple as that. Here's an example. You: "Can I kiss you?" Me: "Hell yes" See? Easy.
3) If it's not a Hell Yes, it's a Fuck No. If all parties involved do not feel 100% Hell Yes! about the situation, it's a no. I see this a lot in one partner "taking one for the team". That is never ok.
There is more but if everyone would do those 3, swinger events would be vastly improved.
Just because an actress or actor chooses (Hopefully it was their choice) to be nude on camera, and or act sexual, as in acting, does not mean they owe anyone anything, and they are not granting anyone permission to take sexual liberties with them.
Same can be said for nudity, or sexual behavior at a swingers event. Or on a web site for what it's worth. We suppose, that if we get naked and behave sexually, in a semi public venue, that we cannot completely control who might see us. Granting permission to view, through proximity, does not grant permission to touch, or take any other sexual liberties.
There has always, sadly, been an assumed consent/permission attitude among certain people in the lifestyle. Unfortunately it's usually men, single AND married, who assume that because a woman participates in swinging she is automatically DTF with anyone, anytime, anywhere. Luckily most of these twatwaffles self-select out of the lifestyle relatively quickly when they realize that they don't get carte blanche sex privileges with anyone they want and/or word gets around and people avoid them due to their reputations.
The worst, in our opinion, are the slightly more subtle ones who use their partner as bait (for lack of a better term). We've met more than a few couples whose M.O. was for the woman to be very sexually aggressive with me and for the man to then assert himself sexually with my wife under the guise of "My wife is (insert sexually aggressive behavior here) so you and I need to do it too."
That is why we STRONGLY prefer to get to know people before hopping into the sack with them. We know this isn't the preferred method for swinging for some couples but we've found that taking things slowly at first more often lets us look for the red flags that someone will act like a douchecopter once the clothing starts to hit the floor. Most of these asshats have little to no patience for not immediately getting their rocks off.
If the Prime Directive (First Rule of Swing Club) of the lifestyle wasn't, "No means no." We would have stopped almost as soon as we started.
I imagine it's very daunting for many, if not most, single women to put themselves out there in the lifestyle knowing that many of these attitudes prevail and not always having someone nearby who has your back. Hopefully they know that, at least in a party/group situation all they need to do is call out for help and most of the many decent people in the lifestyle will be there to help and back them up.
The worst, in our opinion, are the slightly more subtle ones who use their partner as bait (for lack of a better term). We've met more than a few couples whose M.O. was for the woman to be very sexually aggressive with me and for the man to then assert himself sexually with my wife under the guise of "My wife is (insert sexually aggressive behavior here) so you and I need to do it too."
That is why we STRONGLY prefer to get to know people before hopping into the sack with them. We know this isn't the preferred method for swinging for some couples but we've found that taking things slowly at first more often lets us look for the red flags that someone will act like a douchecopter once the clothing starts to hit the floor. Most of these asshats have little to no patience for not immediately getting their rocks off.
If the Prime Directive (First Rule of Swing Club) of the lifestyle wasn't, "No means no." We would have stopped almost as soon as we started.
I imagine it's very daunting for many, if not most, single women to put themselves out there in the lifestyle knowing that many of these attitudes prevail and not always having someone nearby who has your back. Hopefully they know that, at least in a party/group situation all they need to do is call out for help and most of the many decent people in the lifestyle will be there to help and back them up.
WildNomad, I like your comment about things being binary; either a strong yes, or an emphatic no. I think when people try to be nice with more tentative language, it can confuse things (e.g. maybe later or not right now). Usually this is an attempt to be polite, but we all have get comfortable with asking for consent and for giving and receiving a no.
Asking for everything each time, with everyone, certainly takes extra effort, but it’s absolutely required.
Asking for everything each time, with everyone, certainly takes extra effort, but it’s absolutely required.
Well put Wild Nomad, in a perfect world the weak would listen. I think it is the same in every section of society, if you have whatever percent in the vanilla world, that same percentage is represented in our society.
Like Evil mentioned the taking one for the team is happening way too much, while I avoid this being single I did see when married by others. It is repulsive.
I am extremely lucky with the people I know, while I will rarely go to a party where I don't know all, if I was to run across any abusive behavior I always make sure I know enough at any party I attend where I am always protected from this.
Like Evil mentioned the taking one for the team is happening way too much, while I avoid this being single I did see when married by others. It is repulsive.
I am extremely lucky with the people I know, while I will rarely go to a party where I don't know all, if I was to run across any abusive behavior I always make sure I know enough at any party I attend where I am always protected from this.
In my experience, taking it slow weeds out the scum because they don't have patience or decent manners. My biggest problem is getting groped/pawed/mauled at swinger gatherings. Contrary to some people's belief, my attendance isn't permission to touch my girly bits.