Questions about the lifestyle and about my wife. Been in the lifestyle off and on for about 4 years. We have never full swapped before but we have done pretty much everything else. I have told my wife that I don't need to have sex with another woman. I am mainly in this for her and me not gunna lie. It boils down to this..... I like to watch her with guys or girls. But she always seems like she is holding back. like she is worried about taking a step forward. But when I ask her why she hesitates she says if feels weird its not you. But at the time it looks like she is really enjoying herself in the moment. Like I said we have played with other couples, When I say we her and when I can and she is comfortable and tells me to join or whatever. But yeah met allot of fun people on here. I guess my question boils down to this and maybe some of you have experienced this or can shed some insight on this cause I'm just lost. Why is that my Wife will sometimes play and has lots on fun but always holds back and I can definitely tell she is having fun while play but then says its weird cause its not me???? I have told her that she can play openly and that I wont get upset cause I like to watch.... I'm just confused......
Perfect example.
One night we were having out with this couple. We are having a great time playing around "fourplay" and we went into the bedroom and she became uneasy.... Keep in mind we have played with this couple for about 2 years now and have done everything but FS....
Then another night the complete opposite.... She came up to me and asked if she couple give this guy a BJ and his wife would do the same to me... And she didn't even really know these people. Just random people at a party....
See what Im getting here??? It has been a long and curzy road and I can't tell if a sharp right or sharp left is coming.
Sorry this is so long. I just keep thinking of stuff and really confused.
Thanks again for your input....
Perfect example.
One night we were having out with this couple. We are having a great time playing around "fourplay" and we went into the bedroom and she became uneasy.... Keep in mind we have played with this couple for about 2 years now and have done everything but FS....
Then another night the complete opposite.... She came up to me and asked if she couple give this guy a BJ and his wife would do the same to me... And she didn't even really know these people. Just random people at a party....
See what Im getting here??? It has been a long and curzy road and I can't tell if a sharp right or sharp left is coming.
Sorry this is so long. I just keep thinking of stuff and really confused.
Thanks again for your input....
THEWRENCH22 wrote:
Questions about the lifestyle and about my wife. Been in the lifestyle off and on for about 4 years. We have never full swapped before but we have done pretty much everything else. I have told my wife that I don't need to have sex with another woman. I am mainly in this for her and me not gunna lie. It boils down to this..... I like to watch her with guys or girls. But she always seems like she is holding back. like she is worried about taking a step forward. But when I ask her why she hesitates she says if feels weird its not you. But at the time it looks like she is really enjoying herself in the moment. Like I said we have played with other couples, When I say we her and when I can and she is comfortable and tells me to join or whatever. But yeah met allot of fun people on here. I guess my question boils down to this and maybe some of you have experienced this or can shed some insight on this cause I'm just lost. Why is that my Wife will sometimes play and has lots on fun but always holds back and I can definitely tell she is having fun while play but then says its weird cause its not me???? I have told her that she can play openly and that I wont get upset cause I like to watch.... I'm just confused......
Perfect example.
One night we were having out with this couple. We are having a great time playing around "fourplay" and we went into the bedroom and she became uneasy.... Keep in mind we have played with this couple for about 2 years now and have done everything but FS....
Then another night the complete opposite.... She came up to me and asked if she couple give this guy a BJ and his wife would do the same to me... And she didn't even really know these people. Just random people at a party....
See what Im getting here??? It has been a long and curzy road and I can't tell if a sharp right or sharp left is coming.
Sorry this is so long. I just keep thinking of stuff and really confused.
Thanks again for your input....
To begin with everyone is subject to changes in mood and perspective. So if you are expecting absolute consistency from your wife, in mood, desire or behavior, sexual or otherwise you are being unfair and unrealistic.
Be patient and set back and relax and be in the moment rather than the tunnel of expectations and you will be amazed at how much fun you may have as life and the lifestyle progress.
One way to get a black mark in the swinging community, and more importantly make your own experience unpleasant, is to put pressure on your friendships and relationships, long or short term, or lodge a lot of complaints which are based on your own unfulfilled expectations. Another super red flag is to obviously be in turmoil within your marriage or partnership because you are in disagreement about swinging.
We are all here because we have desires. If we allow our desires to become hard and fast expectations we might become upset and disappointed when life and how people behave flows otherwise. If we are locked in a tunnel vision of expectation, we might end up missing all the joy around us. Life is always an unraveling mystery and there is beauty unfolding all around us. The tunnel vision of expectations and the pressures they create can lock up our own joy, progress, and journey into the discovery of who any of us might be and who our friends and lovers really are. Expectations often destroy patience and patience is often an essential element in discovery and in relationships and how they develop. Success in life and love is a lot about continually becoming the person who merits what they desire.
Have you asked her these same questions, you are asking in this forum?
THEWRENCH22 here are a couple of links to great sites. learning how to improve our relationships is a never ending process: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnT1R08f7FHLab3nB4f0AGQ
http://www.oxygen365.com
http://www.oxygen365.com
BJOANDC wrote:
DELICIOUS, that was very well said!
Thank you!
Compersion is the pleasure one gets from seeing their loved one being with someone else. This is the perfect word to describe what you are looking for. Sometimes it takes patience and reassurance for the other person to get there. Ask your wife to be completely honest and tell you what she feels and maybe you can get to the solution you seek. Remember sometimes people hold back because they are afraid of the consequences of complete honesty. Good luck and happy swinging.
Debra Anapol discusses compersion in her books and on her site. Good reads.
http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com/
http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com/
All good thoughts. Deliciuoslywet nailed it. Your wife isn't a robot who is going to react to every situation the way you desire her to, and maybe not even the way she wishes to. We all have good and bad days and maybe she doesn't feel like playing at times... just isn't in the mood. Another possibility is that she is worried she will hurt you somehow. Maybe she wants to do more, but because she loves you, she doesn't want to take that next step for fear it may affect your relationship. In your examples above, the spontaneous scenario sounds much more appealing to me than something setup and arranged. We never like to commit to any play before the time comes. It puts pressure on everyone involved (at least us) and sets up an expectation that may lead to disappointment. Some people love to plan and love to have a commitment. We are not all cut from the same mold.
You say you can't tell on this crazy road of yours if a left or right turn is approaching. Maybe you need to let go of the wheel for awhile and let her drive, let her control the situation without any expectations from you. If you have certain ideas and expectations going into these types of situations you are eventually, if not frequently, going to be disappointed. Let things happen as they will. Let her do what she wants and when she wants.
Lastly, are you talking to her? This seems the most efficacious route if you communicate well. What are her feelings and thoughts? What is she feeling? You haven't mentioned what she thinks and feels and that is something I would be most interested in hearing. Maybe she can't even verbalize her thoughts. Maybe it is all just a feeling she gets. But that is valid to her and needs to be respected. Your question is something that will have an answer if you work it out between we. All we can do is offer a bit of advice, but your solution to this is something between the two of you. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Best of luck.
You say you can't tell on this crazy road of yours if a left or right turn is approaching. Maybe you need to let go of the wheel for awhile and let her drive, let her control the situation without any expectations from you. If you have certain ideas and expectations going into these types of situations you are eventually, if not frequently, going to be disappointed. Let things happen as they will. Let her do what she wants and when she wants.
Lastly, are you talking to her? This seems the most efficacious route if you communicate well. What are her feelings and thoughts? What is she feeling? You haven't mentioned what she thinks and feels and that is something I would be most interested in hearing. Maybe she can't even verbalize her thoughts. Maybe it is all just a feeling she gets. But that is valid to her and needs to be respected. Your question is something that will have an answer if you work it out between we. All we can do is offer a bit of advice, but your solution to this is something between the two of you. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Best of luck.
I guess I might have come off wrong... I'm not upset nor am I asking her to be a robot. I'm just trying to understand what she is thinking. yes I have asked her and she tells me that its weird that its not you. I'm just trying to gather some insite on what she is thinking I don't mind that she is ok one min then not the next. Its just hard to keep up with the roller coaster. I'm very laid back and let her run the show as she should. It's just that sometimes I feel like she is worried or scared. But anyway thank you for all your input and thank you for the links I will have to check them out ASAP.
THEWRENCH22 wrote:
I guess I might have come off wrong... I'm not upset nor am I asking her to be a robot. I'm just trying to understand what she is thinking. yes I have asked her and she tells me that its weird that its not you. I'm just trying to gather some insite on what she is thinking I don't mind that she is ok one min then not the next. Its just hard to keep up with the roller coaster. I'm very laid back and let her run the show as she should. It's just that sometimes I feel like she is worried or scared. But anyway thank you for all your input and thank you for the links I will have to check them out ASAP.
Sounds like she's told you what she's thinking. It's weird for her to have sex with a man that isn't you. She may enjoy it at the time, but she obviously has issues after the fact. Trust that. Don't over think. Ask her if she wants to be in the lifestyle and if she doesn't, get out. This may be an uncomfortable situation for her and to pressure her to continue with the thought your doing it for her when, in fact, you're satisfying your own fantasy of seeing her with another man, is just being selfish. But you need to find out from her what she would like.
If she doesn't want to continue in the lifestyle, you have to decide what to do from there. Like, Get Out of the Lifestyle!
I know for me (the woman), if we agreed we are playing together and in this together, but I were the only one actually playing, I would suddenly get a little nervous when moving to the bedroom and you now just wanted to watch. Especially if your wife is not a full on exibitionist. Even if you say you love to watch, if you are not actively playing and only watching, I would begin to wonder if what you are saying is true, as your behaviors may not be consistent with your words.
And what would happen if I did decide I wanted to full swap but you are not and we hadn't agreed to where we are on the full swap issue before getting naked? If you had not agreed to full swapping, I would be a little hesitant that now I was giving the other couple mixed signals as well & would check my passion & interest so as to not be a total tease or put me in a position where I was close to an agreed upon boundary. If we had said it was okay to swap & I am the only that does, I would feel a little like I was not being faithful because I wouldn't feel like we did it together... if that makes sense.
I love playing where we are all playing together & it can become a jumbled mess. But if it was frequently just a threesome doing a show, I would prefer just the threesome. I hope this all made sense, as typing it on my phone is hard to read!! Lol
And what would happen if I did decide I wanted to full swap but you are not and we hadn't agreed to where we are on the full swap issue before getting naked? If you had not agreed to full swapping, I would be a little hesitant that now I was giving the other couple mixed signals as well & would check my passion & interest so as to not be a total tease or put me in a position where I was close to an agreed upon boundary. If we had said it was okay to swap & I am the only that does, I would feel a little like I was not being faithful because I wouldn't feel like we did it together... if that makes sense.
I love playing where we are all playing together & it can become a jumbled mess. But if it was frequently just a threesome doing a show, I would prefer just the threesome. I hope this all made sense, as typing it on my phone is hard to read!! Lol