Every advice column I've seen on beginning swinging includes the
phrase "set rules and live by them". Unfortunately, the authors of
those columns rarely go into any detail about how to do so.
This article is not meant to be the definitive source on rules for
swinging, but rather a starting point for you to begin talking about
your comfort level with your significant other.
The first thing you need to remember is that the person you share
your life with, is the important person in swinging. Their comfort
level, passion and self-esteem should always be your first concern.
That said, when discussing rules, you will need to remember that no
matter how outlandish, silly, bizarre, or just plain crazy the rules
your partner comes up with may seem to you - they need to be
respected, because that rule is clearly important to your partner.
I'd also like to express my opinion that a discussion about rules
should not be approached as a bargaining session, nor as a
negotiation, but rather as an open discussion about turn-ons and
turn-offs, intimacy and feelings.
Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, here are a couple of
tips for the discussion:
1. Be respectful!
2. Really listen, too often when our partner is speaking, we begin
thinking about our response before they are finished, and in this type
of discussion, it is imperative that we listen actively and
openly.
3. Be honest! This is no time to hide your true feelings. To start
with, many couples experience a scenario where one partner is more
adventurous than the other - this is normal, and must be embraced.
What am I looking for? Another couple? Single males? Single females?
Roman orgy scenes?
Naturally, the questions above are not meant to be all-inclusive,
but rather a starting point for you to begin thinking about your own
needs, desires and comfort levels.
Tips Define signals with your partner, these signals need to
cover situations like: Get me out of here!, We neet to talk, I'm
uncomfortable, I'm interested, etc.
When setting rules it is important to be specific. For example, it
may not be sufficient to say "we are comfortable with full sexual
intercourse" and happily go off to meet your play partners. Questions
to ask surrounding that rule may include:
How do we signal that we are uncomfortable in a situation? Don't
forget there will be times when you will need a non-verbal signal, and
times when the verbal signal you have defined earlier may be out of
place - as an example, my wife and I defined a signal as "I need a
smoke break", whenever one of us said that it meant, "we need to
talk". Which was fine until we went to a swingers club and were
sitting there happily smoking, and realized that we couldn't say "I
need a smoke break" without seeming either crazy or sneaky.
How do we define when we are "done". My wife and I struggled with
this for some time, we would be playing with another couple, and one
or the other of us would essentially be "finished" and ready to go,
while the other was interested in continuing to play. Don't assume
anything. On one occassion, this little issue nearly made us give up
the lifestyle, she was done, and I wasn't and as I continued to play,
she felt left out and inadequate. Are we only going to play in the
same bed? In the same room? Or are we okay with separating and playing
with someone else?
If we decide that we only play together, same room, same bed, etc.
What happens if one of us needs to go to the bathroom? Should the
other stop playing and wait? Continue to play? Accompany the other?
Will we "take one for the team"? In other words, what if we meet
another couple and my partner is completely turned on by the couple we
meet, and I'm not. Do we still play? If not, how will I communicate to
my partner that I'm not interested?
Discuss everything
After each experience talk about everything that happened, were you
excited? Challenged? Happy? Was it a pleasurable experience? Were
there any "awkward" moments? Be sure to openly discuss whether you are
interested in playing again with whoever you played with.
Be prepared for change
Typically, as you gain experience, your rules will evolve. When we
initially began swinging, one of my rules was that I didn't want my
wife to swallow for another man - this seemed like an extremely
intimate act to me, and while I was comfortable with recreational sex,
I was uncomfortable with perceived "intimacy" between my wife and
another man.
After a few experiences, while discussing the events of the
previous night, my wife pointed out to me that it was stressful to
her, and to the man she was blowing to worry about exactly what I
meant - was it okay for him to cum in her mouth, as long as she didn't
swallow? What about pre-cum?
Her approach was excellent, and in the proper context, and after
thinking about it for awhile, I decided that since we had a trusting
relationship with this other couple - trusting to the point that we
had forgone condoms with them - I was comfortable with her swallowing
him.
More Change
Our rules evolve differently with different partners as well.
Naturally, we play with people we trust and like, nevertheless, with
some partners we have more "stringent " rules. Likewise, we have to be
respectful of our play partner's rules as well, and their rules may
change and evolve over time.
It is critical to accept that rules will change, and that each of
you may have different ideas about how and when this will occur. Open
and honest communication is the only hope for starting and continuing
an enjoyable "swingers lifestyle".
Stick with your rules. The time to change rules is not on-the-spot,
and it is not acceptable to "forget" a rule. It is also unacceptable
to put your partner on the spot and demand a decision on a rule change
in the heat of the moment.
If you are interested in changing or abolishing a rule, the time to
discuss it is afterwards. Again, I remind you, rules are not about
negotiation or argument, they are about comfort and enjoyment, so be
respectful of your partner, and their feelings.
Also, be aware that your play partners have their own rules, and if
you run into one that seems odd to you - remember it makes sense to
them. Do not try to convince them that they should change their rule
to suit you.
In Conclusion
Setting rules is clearly critical to enjoyment of the lifestyle, and
unfortunately it can become a point of conflict if not handled with
respect, caring and love for your partner. However, with some open
communication, and thought an effective set of rules can lead to
enjoyable experiences for all.
